MiniCap : The X Factor

There was a lot of this face happening.

After night one’s melange of outstanding contestants, judge switching, and penis barfing, night two of The X Factor‘s premiere is going to have to try REALLY HARD to live up to expectations. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that it won’t succeed.

I used to love watching Simon Cowell on American Idol and had to ban it from my living room after he left and was replaced by Dude Looks Like a (creepy old) Lady and that bitch who keeps reminding us she is FROM THE BLOCK because somehow that makes her more of a REAL PERSON. So thank the gods that Simon has a new show, because what is life without watching entitled dickweeds embarrass themselves on national television by attempting to warble through the Katy Perry song catalog??

And haven’t we all missed Paula Abdul…but like SECRETLY, down in the black depths of your soul where you sometimes think about poisoning your neighbor’s barking dog or maybe hiding in a sewer drain and whispering “WE ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE” to terrified schoolchildren passing by.

The more plastic surgery Paula gets, the more she seems to be turning into MC Skat Kat. Or a gelfling from The Dark Crystal, I can’t decide which.

Cheryl Cole is officially OUT by this episode, probably because there wasn’t enough hair spray and Bumpits in the budget for both her AND Paula. Pussycat Nicole whatsherface is a decent replacement, mostly because she actually voices an opinion every once in a while.

And L.A. Reid, aka Black Lex Luthor, is DEF going to be fun to watch, because he is clearly absolutely batshit insane. Or just an egomaniacal d-bag, take your pick.

The show starts with a weird Michael Bay-directed, world-in-peril-by-flying-X-asteroid sequence, then goes straight into a shadowy Iron Chef-style intro of the judges. I guess someone thought doing this would make the judges look more INTIMIDATING and PROFESSIONAL CHEF-Y.

More individual audition attention will be paid in the full recap, but suffice to say that night two ain’t got NUTHIN’ on night one, where there were at least 3 contestants I could sort of envision singing the national anthem at an WNBA pre-season game, as opposed to night two where there was maybe ONE person I’d pick to win in a karaoke battle against the freecreditreport.com dude.

The entire first half of the Miami auditions sucks balls, because I guess this city can only produce so many SUPERSTARS like Ricky Menudo Martin and Bailamos Iglesias. GAG. At least there is Marivana Viscuso, because she looks like a Skeksi, which conveniently brings my earlier Dark Crystal reference full circle.

The only contestants on this episode who have even a remote shot at that FIVE MILLION DOLLARS they keep talking about are Melanie Amaro (the Beyoncé soundalike) and Caitlin Koch (the rugby coach). MAN. I am going to do my best to keep hope alive that future cities turn out better talent than freaking Miami and Dallas, or it’s going to be a painful season. Come back in a couple of days for the full recap!