MiniCap: The X Factor

Simon Cowell’s (wet) dream comes true. Gross.

After a hella confusing week of rain delayed baseball games and scheduling snafus, episode 7 of The X Factor finally aired last night on Fox, treating us to our first taste of the Judges’ Homes portion of the competition.

Last night’s episode frequently reminded us of exactly what game we’re playing (and no, sadly it’s not Co-ed Naked Twister) – boys under 30 at L.A. Reid’s home in the Hamptons, groups with Paula Abdul at her house in Santa Barbara, the over 30′s hangin’ with Nicole Scherzinger in Malibu, and the girls under 30 – lucky, lucky girls – shacking up at Simon Cowell’s amazing pad in France.

The remaining 32 acts have to sing for their little (performing) lives before the judges decide which half gets sent home, and which half gets to move on to the final live shows. You know, it’s too bad they don’t have to sing for their ACTUAL lives, cuz THAT is a show I would watch. Like Glee meets The Running Man. Wait, nobody steal that idea – I’m gonna go register it with the Writers’ Guild RIGHT NOW.

We only get to see 16 of the 32 acts perform – the other 16 will be featured on episode 8, which is scheduled to air this Sunday at 8pm, if it doesn’t get bumped by more baseball, meaning it will air sometime in the next ten years.

The 16 acts from last night are: lil’ Jay Z wannabe Brian Bradley, thoroughly despised by yours truly Simone Battle, letter W haters The Anser, black Mick Jagger Dexter Haygood, flat as hell country boy Skyelor Anderson, tattooed wonder Tora Woloshin, judge-formed girl group Lakoda Rayne, that despicable woman who didn’t go to her dad’s funeral Stacey Francis, ethnic Biebers The Brewer Boys, Shee-attle hat aficionado Phillip Lomax, non-227 star Elaine Gibbs, God’s gift to man Caitlin Koch, his hair just keeps getting worse contestant Nick Voss, forgettable Boyz II Men wannabes 4Shore, contestant I keep forgetting exists James Kenney, and finally, the girl whose $5 million winnings would go toward some serious braces and a deep hair conditioning treatment Drew Ryniewicz.

The judges also get to bring in their very own assistant judge…L.A. snags the real plum of the night with Rihanna, Paula picks Pharrell, Nicole gets Enrique ‘I Thought That Song Was Sung By a Woman’ Iglesias, and Simon…well, Simon gets the SHAFT when Hurricane Irene prevents Mariah Carey’s plane from taking off.

Come back tomorrow for the full recap, when we find out what Brian Bradley’s terrible rap nickname is, if Dexter is able to overcome his intense desire to impersonate James Brown, and where the hell Peter Bishop went.  OOPS, sorry…wrong (far-more-interesting) Fox show.  LATER!