MiniCap: The X Factor

Looks like someone(s) who had some recent significant downtime spent it at the plastic surgeon’s…

If you clicked your way over to Fox last night, you’d be forgiven for thinking that it was January and time to resign yourself to another insufferable season of American Idol and its gibberish-spewing judges. The X Factor looked like Idol, smelled like Idol and tasted vaguely like Idol in the same way that Pepsi (proud sponsor of The X Factor) tastes vaguely like Coke (proud sponsor of American Idol). Both of those dranks have nothing on Diet Coke, though, which is sweet, sweet heaven in a can….

The X Factor has two former Idol judges: Simon and Paula (although both had toned down their schticks: mean Brit and medicated ditz, respectively). I haven’t quite figured out if LA Reid is a bootleg version of Randy Jackson or vice versa, so we’ll have to see on that one. Alls I know is that I refuse to call him LA. That’s not a name — it’s a city and a state. Maybe I’ll feel better by Frenchifying it: La Reid… La Reid…

The X Factor also seemed to have the same style of music, graphics, and pre-audition wrangling as Idol. The big differences: Cheryl Cole from Girls Aloud was a judge in the first hour. She was unceremoniously replaced by Nicole Sherzingerdinglederp, head skank Pussycat Doll. And instead of our sweet little California Tinkerbell manning the hosting duties, we had a tall, generic-looking Brit whose name I never caught.

We’re gonna hit the rules and the first round of auditions in the main recap, but here are the performances I nominate for The X Factor yearbook:

Most Likely to Succeed: The big front runners of the night seemed to be Simone Battle, the 21-year-old co-ed with the hot look, the mediocre voice, and excessive confidence; Stacy Francis, the 42-year-old mama of two who thinks that this is her last chance before being completely ostracized for having the audacity to age; Marcus, an adorable 20-year-old with an ultimatum from his mom: either become a singing sensation this year or go get an education. Apparently the last thing Marcus wants is an education, so… singing sensation it is; and finally, freshly sober Chris Rene. I’m sure competing for $5 million on national TV over the course of three months will be very healthy for his newly-found sobriety.

Most Likely to Make a Cold Heart Melt: Adorable 13-year-old Rachel Crow auditioned first. When she stepped out on stage, she was surrounded by kittens, rainbows, glitter and unicorns. She is tired of living in a two bedroom house with five other people and will spend the $5 million on a house and Lisa Frank TrapperKeepers.

Most Likely to Cause Me to Injure Myself from Rolling My Eyes Too Hard: Siameze Floyd. No, that’s not a spelling mistake. What was a mistake: the turquoise mesh tank top, tight jeans and high-heeled boots that he wore.

Most Likely to be Dead by Now: Dan and Venita

Biggest Dick: Geo. This is the dude who dropped the pants of his velour tracksuit while he sang. His privates were covered with a giant X. I’m not sure what the graphic was hiding, but whatever was under it apparently made Paula vomit. Geo was gross but… really Paula? For reals? Quit being an ass. It’s a penis. 50% of the population has one. Unless it’s pushed against your gag reflex, there’s no need to throw up.

Smelliest Crotch: The Anser. This trio of hipsters had on some of the tightest jeans I’ve ever seen. There’s no way they were wearing draws and I know they were sweating balls all over that stage.

Do you have any faves, yet? Will you spend the next week trying to track down that Geo guy’s number so that you can do it “Bill Clinton style” with him? More details to come in the full recap, plus we’ll talk about the format, the audience, and who that British host hottie is!