Hello Gasmii! The premier of Toddlers & Tiaras does not disappoint – except a couple of mothers! This episode focused on our frenemies Makenzie and Eden Wood and how they are EXPLODING onto the Hollywood scene. Well, not really, they just both got trips to Hollywood to be on Entertainment Tonight. No wonder Mary Hart left. Makenzie meets with an acting coach who tells her to act sad like her mother died. Don’t give her any ideas! Then the coach says she’d “genuinely love to work with Makenzie.” No one genuinely wants to do anything with that Satan’s spawn. Also, they get Makenzie flippers (upper AND lower) because her teeth are so crooked…from that “hard workin’ lady, Ni-Ni.” I guess those glitz dresses take precedence over braces.
Eden and her mom hit Hollywood like it ain’t no thing! Eden has her book, From Cradle to Crown or some such nonsense, a record about rolling around all cutie patootie and a video to go with it. What happened to the Eden doll? It’s probably locked in their attic getting cuter. Anyhoo, mom Mickie says she’s ready for that $2 million deal so she can leave her shitty teaching job (well, what teacher wouldn’t want that nowadays?) and is ready to “push Eden” wherever she needs to go. Just like Mama Lohan! She says performing at malls is just what Tiffany did. And look at her now. No seriously, where is she? I think she’s alone now.
I should warn – spoiler alert about the ending in this section! What is really interesting about this episode (besides the fact the girls are growing up into even bigger brats their moms just call “diva behavior”) is that they are both starting to lose that little girl cuteness. In fact, they didn’t perform that well at all…Makenzie was flat onstage and very stilted and Eden seemed to be missing her spark. The judges make it seem like it’s going to be close between these two but not only isn’t it, Makenzie goes home with NOTHING. That’s a first at a pageant – not even a participation award. What is the pageant world coming to? Mom Juana and Makenzie both lose their shit over this and are stunned. Eden goes home with Ultimate Supreme but cries like a little bitch about it because the Grand Ultimate Supreme with Canadian Bacon and Pineapple goes home with a “princess bed” – basically tulle and lead paint on MDF. Mickie says it’s “a wake-up call,” but I would have thought that call would have come when you opened your Visa bill and realized you just paid $3000 for a dress your kid will never wear again. If you are open to adult adoption, call me, I have my eye on a Monique Lhuillier ballgown and I will wear that mother more than once!