Snakes! Not on a plane!
Ah, pageant moms…what would we do without them? This week on Toddlers & Tiaras we head to Arkansas for the “Me and My Pet Pageant and Clusterf#ck Extravaganza” and it does not disappoint.
First up is Karley, 6, and her mother Crystal. Karley and her mom have a great relationship, they are normal except for one thing – Karley’s love of their pet snake Slither! Actually, that’s pretty cool too. Karley has a lot of confidence, enjoys too many Pixie Stix and lets her snake have the run of Barbie’s Dream House. That never would have happened to my Barbie, but it makes for some interesting furniture rearranging. Watch out Ken! Karley kicks ass onstage and despite my concern about her short hair (no fall?), she does very well.
Second is Kali, 5, and her mother Chante. Kali is the second kid in as many weeks to do karate and she’s already a yellow belt! She has a lot of confidence and silver teeth – are those braces or some kind of grill for little kids? I got kind of confused during the show, but I did watch it before the sun was up. Chante says they have never won a big title so they’re sure they’ll get one this time. Not sure on that logic. They bring their dog Buster who is the grumpiest old man you’ll ever see. His growling was deep for such a little dog and I’m shocked a pageant girl didn’t get attacked. Poor dog just wants to sleep!
And finally are our reasons for living (or at least watching this show), twins Giavanna and Alycesaundra (not the first kid named Alycesaundra on this show if you can believe it!). Hooooly shit, where to start with these two? Mom says she has one good kid (Aly) and one brat (Giavanna), so you know how this is sort of going to go down. Mom has spent half a million dollars on pageants for these two four-year-olds, and you know that is money well spent. From an $8000 dress to a tour bus with the girls’ pictures all over it to a bodyguard that I am pretty sure is on the FBI’s most wanted list, they really know how to invest their hard-earned cash. Read that last sentence again to let the absolute insanity completely sink in. And now that makes the fact that they bring a turkey and – gasp! – the wrong lamb to the pageant kind of boring. Needless to say, Giavanna f#cks up royally and Alycesaundra is sick, so it turns out to be a most excellent day for Gasmii viewers/readers. For the girls’ parents, not so much, but remember – their teen years will be a bloody nightmare for anyone who knows them. Heh.
The biggest loser in this pageant? The housekeeping staff. Something leaves droppings all over the hotel room – floor, bed and God know’s where else – making bed bugs seem like a distant memory. The upside is that no one brought a pet SQUID, although I think we all know where we could get one.
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