Minicap: Toddlers & Tiaras Premiere!

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, December 8, 2011 | 8:28 am | 26 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: MiniCaps, Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras

Hello Gasmii and welcome to another awesome season of the trainwreck known as Toddlers & Tiaras.  Yesterday was a nice easing-into the episodes…kids weren’t bad, moms were crazy and what I would consider very short-sighted.

First up is Katie who has creepy home-schooled kids Bob, 6, and Riley, 5.  The average-looking kids have only competed in natural pageants, so this storyline pretty much writes itself.  Katie admits that the only reason she had kids was to put them in pageants (great reason to bring people into the world) and was “very disappointed” that her first child was a boy until she found out she could gender-confuse him with pageants.  Her family uses their love of drag shows and RuPaul to create their glitz strategy.  Also part of their strategy?  Not practicing.  That leads to a wonderful “Glitzmaswear” routine of Riley running from one side of the stage to the other for 90 seconds while waving a wreath wildly.  Somewhere in Arkansas, Mickie Woods died just a little.

Get back to natural pageants, Cowboy RileyGet back to natural pageants, Cowboy Riley!

Next are McMansion dwellers Lauren and her daughter Laila, 3.  Laila is a bit of a brat but nothing on a Ni-Ni level.  She’s pretty polished and Lauren admits that having money gives them the advantage at pageants.  Listen, bitch, having money gives you advantages EVERYWHERE.  She says she gives the best to her kids so they can succeed at the pageants.  Good luck getting them to succeed at life, lawnmower mom.  And when you say your daughter loves ballet and she rats you out by immediately saying she doesn’t, you might want to listen.  Or make sure she isn’t miked at the time, like when she interviewed that when she loses her heart is “black and cold.”  Just like Crabby’s at the holidays.

And finally we meet Crystal and her daughter Anna-Maria (seriously, where are all the f#cked up names?  No Krystal or Krystaahl?) who is nine and a “diva.”  Not really.  She’s a pretty cute kid although somewhat overconfident.  Mom could nip the head-bob in the tail, too, that is sooo 1990s and I don’t see any bags of chips anywhere.  The odd thing about Crystal – and this says A LOT – is that her husband once told her that if she picked doing pageants over doing things with him, he’d leave her.  So like someone committed to her relationship, she told him to go.  He does come back, more whipped than ever, and now we know who is wearing the Ultimate Grand Supreme Crown in that family!  What a douche.

Our good friends and pageant directors Maxine and Betty are both there – not enough airtime of Betty in my opinion! And the pageant boasts a record 40 kids.  SPOILER ALERT!  Bob, looking like a hobo in his cheap, too-large suit and rattail (I’m not kidding) is excited to be crowned king, not realizing that it defaulted to him since there was NO ONE ELSE in his category.  Riley wins queen in her division – not sure who blew who (whom?) to get that – Laila gets grand supreme (kid was good) and Anna-Maria is semi-screwed with a talent crown, losing to her bi-racial doppelganger Myah (there’s the crazy spelling).  What’s a mom to do except blame the unfair pageant and then say she’s keeping her mouth shut.  Per usual, too late.

Until the full recap comes up, enjoy previous T&T recaps – the crazy just never ends.  To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

26 Comments

  1. 1
    Chicken Lips
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Yay! I’m so happy you’re back in the T&T saddle, Crabby!

    So much to say about Katie and her RuPaul obsession…there just aren’t enough words in the English language and I’m going to have to look some foreign words up.

    Also, have we ever seen this emcee before? Looks like he is trying real hard to be Jon Favreau.

  2. 2
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Oh, Bob and Riley! What a hot mess that family was! I will have to say that I did think Riley was pretty cute, and I can see why she has won Natural. But really a rat tail? And Bob needed a hair cut like last week. You would think that if you “polish” your little girls, why don’t you do the same to the boys?

    Oh and wasn’t this the Southern Glitzmas Pageant? There was no “southern” about this…New Jersey and Penn?

    Can’t wait for the full recap!!!

  3. 3
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Were there like 3 kids in each division. That stage looked pretty empty. I am terrified for poor Bob(who calls their little kid Bob), when he gets around boys his age. Riley doing her own thing…era ummm anyone can run back and forth across a stage. Man, not saying that Anna Maria was an unattractive child(far from), but boy her pageant look is gorgeous…she wasn’t cute she was very very pretty. I can see Anna Maria and Mia bumping heads for a long time. Her Mom was correct they do look very similar, could pass in my eyes as sisters. I didn’t think Riley was all that bad and I thought she looked adorable with her hair pulled back.

  4. 4
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Not Riley… Laila…my goof. I didn’t think Riley was cute at all

  5. 5
    dearcrabby
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Yeah, it was a Southern Celebrity Pageant but it was held in NJ. Also, did anyone else notice that hairball Berkeley was in this one? I saw her in a couple of shots. Where did her dad go to school again?

  6. 6
    Moli Moli
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Sure did see Miss Furry…teehee college…dad in the same sentence

  7. 7
    kittkatt
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Yay Crabby! I never watch this show, but I always read the recaps. Now I’m just going to sit back and wait for all the crazy, illiterate, Bible verse spewing pageant moms to creep out of the woodwork and visit the comment section.

  8. 8
    dallasboo
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    How is that raggedy mom homeschooling those children? College will not be in their future. She looks like a meth head and obviously does not own a hairbrush. Who has children for the purpose of entering them in pagents? The house was filthy…..maybe those creepy parents should turn off Ru Paul’s “Drag Race” and clean up that house!

  9. 9
    TiredMom
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Arrgghhh…I totally missed this – can I watch online anywhere?

  10. 10
    Jami
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    muah muah muah!!!!!!
    Oh, how I’ve missed you Crabby!!!!
    The whole time I watched this show I couldn’t help think, What will Crabby write about this???? Especially, Where’d I put my cigarette?????

  11. 11
    Wilma Fengherdu
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    My Christmas wish fulfilled – a new season of T&T AND DearCrabby recapping!

    Did anyone else just want to give poor Bob a hug? Poor kid, he doesn’t stand a chance. He just seemed so happy to be there and get crowned King (and I don’t get all squishy over little kids by any stretch). Also, SO excited to see “MC Betty” as Judge Betty…what this world needs is more Betty.

  12. 12
    saffie
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Crap, I missed it! I really try not to miss the Betty episodes. She’s awesome. I like her and I like Annette. They “sparkle”!

  13. 13
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    oh I missed the “where did I put my cigarette!!”

  14. 14
    Dawn
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    I have nightmares about Betty, seriously.

  15. 15
    Alice
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Thank you JESUS! T&T and DearCrabby are back…plus a guest appearance by Betty, making it the best week ever! And wasn’t Betty’s hair looking especially great? Maybe she could offer some hairstyling tips to the hedgehog judge.

    I am thrilled with the RuPaul family featured this week. I could never even make up stuff to beat that!

    I can’t wait until the full recap…until then I’ll be laughing about “Somewhere in Arkansas, Mickie Woods died just a little.”

  16. 16
    bluedog
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    We had this on last night as a Christmas special here in Oz. I can’t wait for the recap. Where do you start? Poor little Bob – mummy wanted a girl so she let him wear dresses for a while! At least send him over to David Perez so he can learn to be gay properly and what kind of a mother puts down decorating as her son’s hobby unless she wants him to be beaten up by all the neighbourhood kids when they see the show. She took her daughter to a pub (bar to you guys). Are there no laws in America?
    Laila was cute. My daughter and I laughed at the “hate ballet” comments. My daughter said the same at 3 but that was because cartoons were on at the same time as ballet class. Now she is the dance teacher. I did think that if you are putting your child in talent it is not a bad idea to learn the routine if you are going to do it behind the judges!

  17. 17
    bluedog
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Dear Crabby on a serious? note I really wanted to send you something “aussie” for Christmas (for all the mentions I got this year) but I am having trouble getting through on tvgasm contact email and I can’t find an office or business address anywhere.

  18. 18
    dearcrabby
    Posted December 9, 2011 at 9:56 am

    @bluedog, glad to have you back and you rock! However, recappers don’t actually exist, they are cyborgs which is why we have no feelings, sniff! Let me check with Flipit on this…I usually just get threats :)

  19. 19
    Connie
    Posted December 9, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Bluedog– Applebee’s isn’t really a bar as much as it is a restaurant with alcohol.

  20. 20
    Tapnfeet99
    Posted December 10, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    DearCrabby, life is lacking something without you here to comment on T&T! So glad this show is back on. Riley was the most butt-ugly kid I have ever laid my eyes on. Laila was gorgeous and so adorable in her ballet outfit (as u can tell from my name, I’m a dancer myself). Bob is the creepiest goony boy in the world. Myah and Anna-Maria were both gorgeous and talented, but Myah had a slight edge in the looks department IMO. Most bi-racial girls of any race turn out so pretty.

  21. 21
    caligal
    Posted December 10, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Anyone else notice that at one point, Katie’s horrible yellow hair matched her horrible yellow t-shirt?

  22. 22
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted December 10, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    @TiredMom you can watch it here:http://www.tv-links.eu/tv-shows/Toddlers-and-Tiaras_25950/

  23. 23
    Jami
    Posted December 10, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Oh, I just watched it again on my DVR. So much ammunition for Crabby!
    That filthy house. The cat drinking from the glass. Those homely kids. The mothers obsession with drag queens.It was way too weird! Did anyone notice the crib behind Bob? Are those children still sleeping in cribs? The dad in sweats at the pageant. The black hair under the ponytail. Bob’s goofy smile. The stuff the teacher would do? I am talking in circles. There was just too much to take in. I am still in shoke over this.
    Only one thing to say about Anna Marie. Myaah was way sooo much prettier! Her gymnastics routine was awesome! She deserved to win! Anna Marie’s mom was a dumb bitch. Her husband shouldn’t have came back. He should have ran and should still be running right now.
    Oh yes! Berkley the little brat has reared her ugly little head once again. Oh my! Was she wearing the same gold dress as before? I hate that color!

  24. 24
    Jami
    Posted December 10, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    shock! Not shoke. I can’t think straight after watching this one!

  25. 25
    KYjen
    Posted December 11, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Am I the only one who saw Bob as a “redhead” and not a “dark blonde”?

  26. 26
    happymom
    Posted December 12, 2011 at 3:58 am

    No, you are right….Bob is a redhead. Mom maybe has been smoking more than cigarettes. She seems a little delusional, especially after her comment about how she “kills herself to make her house look like it’s out of a magazine” and in the meantime it looks like she could appear as a featured case on “Hoarders”.

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