Hello Gasmii and welcome to another awesome season of the trainwreck known as Toddlers & Tiaras. Yesterday was a nice easing-into the episodes…kids weren’t bad, moms were crazy and what I would consider very short-sighted.
First up is Katie who has creepy home-schooled kids Bob, 6, and Riley, 5. The average-looking kids have only competed in natural pageants, so this storyline pretty much writes itself. Katie admits that the only reason she had kids was to put them in pageants (great reason to bring people into the world) and was “very disappointed” that her first child was a boy until she found out she could gender-confuse him with pageants. Her family uses their love of drag shows and RuPaul to create their glitz strategy. Also part of their strategy? Not practicing. That leads to a wonderful “Glitzmaswear” routine of Riley running from one side of the stage to the other for 90 seconds while waving a wreath wildly. Somewhere in Arkansas, Mickie Woods died just a little.
Get back to natural pageants, Cowboy Riley!
Next are McMansion dwellers Lauren and her daughter Laila, 3. Laila is a bit of a brat but nothing on a Ni-Ni level. She’s pretty polished and Lauren admits that having money gives them the advantage at pageants. Listen, bitch, having money gives you advantages EVERYWHERE. She says she gives the best to her kids so they can succeed at the pageants. Good luck getting them to succeed at life, lawnmower mom. And when you say your daughter loves ballet and she rats you out by immediately saying she doesn’t, you might want to listen. Or make sure she isn’t miked at the time, like when she interviewed that when she loses her heart is “black and cold.” Just like Crabby’s at the holidays.
And finally we meet Crystal and her daughter Anna-Maria (seriously, where are all the f#cked up names? No Krystal or Krystaahl?) who is nine and a “diva.” Not really. She’s a pretty cute kid although somewhat overconfident. Mom could nip the head-bob in the tail, too, that is sooo 1990s and I don’t see any bags of chips anywhere. The odd thing about Crystal – and this says A LOT – is that her husband once told her that if she picked doing pageants over doing things with him, he’d leave her. So like someone committed to her relationship, she told him to go. He does come back, more whipped than ever, and now we know who is wearing the Ultimate Grand Supreme Crown in that family! What a douche.
Our good friends and pageant directors Maxine and Betty are both there – not enough airtime of Betty in my opinion! And the pageant boasts a record 40 kids. SPOILER ALERT! Bob, looking like a hobo in his cheap, too-large suit and rattail (I’m not kidding) is excited to be crowned king, not realizing that it defaulted to him since there was NO ONE ELSE in his category. Riley wins queen in her division – not sure who blew who (whom?) to get that – Laila gets grand supreme (kid was good) and Anna-Maria is semi-screwed with a talent crown, losing to her bi-racial doppelganger Myah (there’s the crazy spelling). What’s a mom to do except blame the unfair pageant and then say she’s keeping her mouth shut. Per usual, too late.
Until the full recap comes up, enjoy previous T&T recaps – the crazy just never ends. To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!