Minicap: Toddlers & Tiaras

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, June 23, 2011 | 1:25 pm | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: MiniCaps, Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras

Screen shot 2011-06-23 at 1.24.06 PM

Hey Gasmii, we meet some new kids this week and overall they were pretty good kids, we did have an odd bird with one who has a rockin’ religious mother.  And you know how I love it when people thank God and Jesus for making things happen for pageant girls.  Ironically, this happens to be a Halloween Pageant (a first for us!) and kids get to dress up in Halloween costumes.  But really, how scary is Little Bo Peep?

One girl’s mother is a total pageant mom who wants her daughter to win, but knows that the brown eyes-dishwater blond hair is not always a winner.  Nice.  She puts in “natural” highlights and slaps her kid in some Daisy Dukes as a costume.  Some of the judges were not pleased with the skin showing, but come on!   That was nothing compared to some of these pageants.  Another little girl’s mom gets way to excited about the crowns and money, and makes the mistake of saying out loud that her only reason for being on this planet is to wait hand and foot on her kid who is like4 years old.  Where, where is her self-esteem?  Oprah, you clearly missed one.

The best is the black woman with the lily-white kid (turns out it’s a step) who prays to Jesus and God and anyone religious to make sure her daughter wins the competition, that they aren’t doing anything bad by competing, and that they find a hair brush and hot rollers since their stupid relative and makeup/hair person effing forgot them.  Isn’t that like the first thing you pack if you are doing MAKEUP AND HAIR?  THE HAIR BRUSH?  Morons.  And honestly, if someone mentioned Clooney as much as she mentions Jesus, I’d be totally over George and that must never happen.  Please, please, please stop asking God to help your kid win.  I don’t care how Christian you act, that is not a true Christian.

So, although this doesn’t really have bratty kids, it definitely has some interesting mothers…pray to Jesus I get this recap done in a timely fashion.  Or go work at a soup kitchen.  Whichever works for you.

A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

16 Comments

  1. 1
    Moli Moli
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    I swear they dragged out finding out teh little girl was a Step. I was looking at the brown Mom and the pale white daughter, thinking her Daddy must have strong genes. I stared at them(so bad I know) for a while trying to find a hint of brown adn somehow she got whter..teehee.

  2. 2
    Jazzy
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    I thought the same thing about the friend who forgot the hair brush and rollers. She went there for the purpose of doing hair!! And also why didn’t the mom pack a comb or brush in her suitcase? Isn’t that pretty basic packing? That poor kid looked awful during the pageant.

  3. 3
    Fan-Ann
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    The stepmom meant well but was sweetly incompetent. As for all her praying….when I pray to end wars, help tornado victims, and stop flooding, I hope the line won’t be busy with prayers to find a hairbrush, bless a pageant, dry nail polish, etc.

  4. 4
    Chicken Lips
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    OK…yes stepmom was annoying with the Jesus thing, but I actually kind of liked them. The kid (who is probably a terrible speller because she doesn’t have a good spelling role model in the parents that named her…and stepmom’s name is just as whack) seemed like a sweet little kid that wanted to do pageants and didn’t care if she one the super grand deluxe as long as she got a crown and trophy. Since she can’t get a good hair/makeup person, maybe she should try natural pageants. I also thought it was nice that she wanted to give everyone treats. The glitz world will eat her alive – go natural!

    I mean seriously – I walk around with hair that looks like a dog’s backside but if I’m going to do something where I parade around in public, I remember my brush and don’t need to beg the hotel front desk clerk for a comb.

  5. 5
    georgiababe
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    I think the stepmom had good intentions with her prayers, I don’t think she really cared whether or not the kid won, she just didn’t want to see her little girl be upset and she wanted everything to go smoothly.

    I think it’s kind of silly to pray over hair and makeup, but I think that when you’re a devout Christian (as my grandparents are), praying just becomes kind of a habit and you find yourself praying whenever things aren’t going smoothly, just out of habit.

  6. 6
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    I’m sorry, I imagine this question comes up in every thread, but what is up with the whack-ass win, place, and show titles? What the fuck is a mini grand supreme?? Who did that make sense to? (Actually, looking at the flamingay in the Dracula cape, it probably made perfect sense to HIM.) Is there some kind of tradition in pageants that resulted in the ridiculous titles?

    At least in this episode (this child pageant stuff gives me a serious case of the crawly skins…I mostly avoid it) the kids didn’t look like they even understood when or if they’d won… maybe because “Miss extinction-level comet strike meltdown starry night micro mega queen supreme” didn’t make any damn sense to them, either.

    I’m probably thinking about this too much, huh?

    Maybe I should go pray on it.

  7. 7
    Chicken Lips
    Posted June 23, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    @NotWithoutMyTV – it’s so people have more of a chance to win. Yes, you have to bet $6 instead of $2 when doing win, place, show, but you don’t get so disappointed when your pick comes in 3rd. It makes it a little more fun without all the risk and frustration.

  8. 8
    Alice
    Posted June 24, 2011 at 12:59 am

    Kids this week? Meh. Our favorites from this show were Mr. Todd, who reminded me so much of the gay guy in Airplane (Johnny?), the poor old queen who works in the small town beauty salon in Texas, The mom who needs to NEVER EVER EVER buy another bottle of platinum hair bleach/dye (Seriously, someone needs to tell her to stop it!), her kid who looked like Kevin Bacon in drag at the pageant, and of course, the praying mom!!! THANK YOU JESUS for letting that kid get a crown, because I was afraid that empty china cabinet would be a mighty depressing site for them on a daily basis.

  9. 9
    Cocodawn Nicole
    Posted June 24, 2011 at 8:47 am

    Kevin Bacon in drag! Thank you Alice, I knew she reminded me of someone. Hilarious.

  10. 10
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted June 24, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Dear Jesus, who suffered on the cross to wash me clean of sin, please place your guiding hand on the guy mixing my frozen caramel at Panera, and make sure he doesn’t fuck it up like last time. Amen!!!

    P.S. And, because I don’t think this should go unsaid in any thread concerning kid’s pageants, this whole deal is child abuse. Eight year olds in full make up giving the judges “fuck me” eyes–like that one competitor girl that blondie mom said wins everything totally did? If that doesn’t register on your wrong-o-meter, you better have that puppy recalibrated.

  11. 11
    June Summer
    Posted June 24, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    @NotWithoutMyTV
    Just watch one episode of Little Miss Perfect. That show is way, way creepier than this one. I know people who love putting their kids in these but I never “got it” and still don’t.

  12. 12
    Jacy
    Posted June 24, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Whatever happened to “Little Miss Perfect”? It hasn’t been on in a long time. I couldn’t believe it when Chloe’s mom said that when Chloe was on stage she knew she was up there to work! Was she foretelling her daughter’s future?

  13. 13
    Megs
    Posted June 24, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    BTW, what’s with the swan bride? Is that a thing?

  14. 14
    Alison Zimmerman
    Posted June 25, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    I thought Little Bo Peep, was freaking adorable!! She spoke honestly when she said she was going to go buy some candy with her winnings!! Loved her! But really does the poor thing need a spray tan, she is only 4. Put her in a swimsuit and slather some some sunscreen/suntan lotion on that baby and let her run around outside!

    I also thought Chloe was a cuttie too, although didn’t really think she needed to be in Daisey Dukes, but what do I know. She also doesn’t need a freakin flipper. She is 9, and when you are 9 your grill starts falling out, we all have been there, Hell even one of the judges had braces on her!

    This eppi was tame compared to last week….!

  15. 15
    Faye
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Chloe’s shorts were a bit too Jessica Simpson but they were no worse than her competitor Marbleicecream in those sequined PANTIES. I had no idea what she was dressed as … Roxie Hart in 1920 Chicago Cook County lock-up? And Marbleicecream was 17 if she was a day. No way her and little Chloe was the same age.

  16. 16
    fancyface
    Posted June 27, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    DearCrabby…I’ve been waiting for over a month for your recap of the ‘Miss Ultimate Sexy Baby’ pageant that was featured on Toddlers & Tiaras following Sophie Hanks & her dad Tom!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=dPLWKBWkn3s#at=181.
    A great episode such as this one does not deserve to be over looked!

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