Minicap: Top Chef Seattle


Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, ohboyohboyohboyohboy, it’s the first show without Blowsie! It’s Blowsie-free! Blowsie-less! Lacking the teensiest smidge of Blowsie! Non-Blowsie-fied! Bye-bye Blowsie!…

01 Josh Valentine Is A Homophobic Dickbag Top Chef 1013 02
hello next annoying fuckwit

Hey you guys, did you know that we are almost done with Top Chef Seattle? Well, we’re done with the Seattle part at least, because on tonight’s show the remaining five chefs all have to pack up their stuff because they’re heading off to Alaska! And since this is a “super-sized” episode, we know we’re in for a ton of filler (like listening to StacheBear wondering aloud if he packed enough underwear for such a cold place… and speaking of underwear, I’m guessing he’s a brief man, in every conceivable way). Eventually the chefs get their shit together and head over to the pier where they get on board a Sell-Out-Pretty Cruise Ship to begin a sixty-minute commercial that just takes me back in time to one of my favorite Aaron Spelling shows, The Love Boat, and the kooky era of the 70′s…

02 Love Boat Cast Top Chef 1013 00
back when the dorky guy in the glasses was the one getting laid the most

Except this is no 70′s boat, it’s a brand-new upscale sleek mega-cruise ship, so naturally McBitchyson is deathly afraid that it’s going to sink. She’s gonna have to get over it, because once they arrive, they’re handed a QuickFire Challenge in which they are asked to work with one of the most outrageously volatile and palate-murdering ingrediences on the entire planet…

03 Iceberg Lettuce Top Chef 1013 00
so dangerous it has to be sealed in protective plastic

Get it? Cruise ship? Iceberg lettuce? The boat is going to Alaska?…

04 Titanic Going Down Top Chef 1013 00
perhaps this little play-on-words idea was not as well-thought-out as it could have been?

Yes, so the chefs are told to make an amazing dish that highlights the sheer pile of boringness that is iceberg lettuce. Wanna guess who’s going to try to jazz it up with some bacon?…

01 Josh Valentine Is A Homophobic Dickbag Top Chef 1013 02-1
yup, it’s Captain One-Note

This turns out to be the QuickFire with the lamest prize yet, first choice of ingrediences in the Elimination Challenge, which is for the chefs to make a new version of the old Red Lobster standby, the Surf’N'Turf platter…

05 Surf'n'turf Top Chef 1013 00
how come we never see stuff like this during their Endless Shrimp Fest?

Well, I’d rather see shrimp as filler than some of the other crap they show us in tonight’s episode… but Blowsie’s not here, so I can’t complain too much (yet). Oh, and you guys will never be able to figure out who is going to cook some more breakfasty bacon into their dish…

01 Josh Valentine Is A Homophobic Dickbag Top Chef 1013 02-2
also, I get to portray Oklahomans as Oklahomophobes

J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 6:45 am

    My son is a Top Chef fan (he is 4, 5 March 10th, and loves Top Model, Grunge Girl, Beaker, and Bitter Jen from AS) and I am about to watch it with him. I do not want to say much during the Mini-Cap like I have the past two times because then I feel that I have nothing to add to the real recap.

    My point it, I will make sure my son adds his thoughts to your recap when I read it J-Mo. No worries, he cannot read yet, lol. He just likes your .gifs and your kitty porn.

  2. 2
    Loulee
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 7:34 am

    http://www.tmz.com/page/2/
    Don King promoting a fried chicken chain for Blowsie!

  3. 3
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 8:37 am

    @Loulee, I thought you were joking, but you weren’t. She was “unjustly” eliminated, according to King.

    “Chef Josie is the people’s chef. She’s a master of culinary art for the people … Her food is ambrosia for the masses and the classes.”

  4. 4
    Pegalicious
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 9:35 am

    StacheBear’s wink was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen on TC.

    @crankyguy, I thought @Loulee was joking, too. If King really believes Blowsie’s elimination was \unjust,\ I suspect he hasn’t seen one episode of TC (or at least TC: Seattle).

    @J-Mo, when Lizzie talks I find myself trying to figure out how you’ll write it out. It’s fun, but then I completely lose track of what’s happening in the show!

  5. 5
    LAC LAC
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Stachebear is seriously making me hate winking…bacon…Oklahoma…mustaches…caps…cruise ships that he might be on…

    Recap and kitty porn coming soon…YAY!

  6. 6
    PacoSauce
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 10:28 am

    I found myself much more invested in LCK than the actual show. My first thought after the elimination was \oh, so Kristen better kick their ass!\ You’re losing me, Top Chef.

    And even though I’m completely confused by the fact that CJ has a fanbase, I was surprised that Josie got such a big percentage of the fan vote. 6%? Always full of surprises, Josie. Mediocre surprises.

  7. 7
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Blowsie has a MASTER promoter behind her, apparently, but I can’t imagine how that came to be. Maybe he really can turn her into the next high-earning, super famous, rawk star celebrity chef. It’s enough to make Richard Dawkins believe in Satan.

  8. 8
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    I didn’t have the big issue with Blowsie that the rest of the board did, but being eliminated for greasy fried chicken is fucking ridiculous, because fried chicken is supposed to be greasy. I understand her elimination was the buildup of a lot of fuckery over the season, but I have to say, she wasn’t that bad as far as reality show villains go. But then again, attention starved lesbians are my favorite people, especially when they’re drunk!

    I’m kind of glad with the result, so that an even playing field can be had for the final 4.

  9. 9
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    If the voted for contestant has to have a cook off with the LCK winner, I really hope Blowsie wins, as it will assure Top Models placement back at the top. If, somehow, TM doesn’t win LCK then I would hope Grunge Grrl would win the votes and beat whichever AH beat TM!!!

  10. 10
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    Too bad Grunge Girl cannot make it. Asshole CJ

  11. 11
    randomnicole
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    I’m gonna need this show to stop trying to make me like Stachebear. I WILL NOT.

  12. 12
    bubblesballentine
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    This outcome was totally predictable, and all the stupid machinations from past weeks to garner up drama for this elimination were simply painful to watch, not to mention downright insulting to regular viewers.

    Can’t you even manage to keep just ONE set of your collective greedy, grubby claws from ruining just ONE show on your asshat network??

  13. 13
    AliceinPopLand
    Posted January 31, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    I must apologize for StacheBear, I swear on a stack of bacon, Oklahoma is not land of douchebags! Promise!
    @Pegalicious, I think the same thing when Lizzie talks.

    Somebody correct me if I’m wrong, is fried chicken the only thing StacheBear has cooked this season without using pig products?

    I never had a problem with Thumby, he kept saying he was there for redemption but he never seemed to put forth any effort in the challenges. He couldnt lower himself to actually try in a competition he professed to so desperately want to win. I dunno he was too pathetic to hate.

  14. 14
    Detinha
    Posted February 1, 2013 at 11:09 am

    UhOh! Looks like pork is the new dessert for TC! They can’t make either one! Maybe they’ll star a spinoff “Top Chef: Just Porky”! Miss Pig would be a judge! Oink!

    My captcha: “let go”!! Ok, I got it, TVgasm!

  15. 15
    JimmyT JimmyT
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    @Juddfan: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. It be awesome if TopModel had a chance to beat Blowsie a second time

    Also, did anyone else notice that when McBitchy shook her head in front of the judges, they quickly noticed and asked her about it, like the almost always do when one of the contestants roll their eyes, sigh, or twich in any way?… Well every time except when the booted TopModel and every single person appears to not have noticed that she kept saying \bite my lip, bite my lip\ while Blowsie was blathering away at how it wasn’t her fault.

    I’m still pissed about that. TopModel better get to come back in.

  16. 16
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 2, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    My feelings are hurt that after successfully ignoring LCK since it was born, I’m now reduced to watching it every week, just to be sure that Top Model makes it through to the end.

    Fuck you, Top Chef.
    Fuck you and your humiliating manipulative ways.

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