Minicap: Top Chef Seattle


Hey ‘Gasmii, whatcha dooin’? Are you guys starting to lose interest in this season? Is it all getting to be a little bit too long and drawn-out for your taste? Are you feeling like maybe they should have called it Top Chef SeattAlaska since they’re going to have almost an equal number of episodes taking place in the Arctic Countryside before we finally get a winner? And let’s not even talk about Last Chance Kitchen… and its companion competition, called No, Really, We Mean It This Time, THIS Is Completely And Totally The Last Last Last Final Ultimate Chance Kitchen (a.k.a. Save A Chef) because I already know that they’re milking the fuck out of what’s left of this season…

01 Waiting For Top Chef To Be Over Top Chef 1014 00
welcome to Part 26 of the Season 10 Finale

Well, I want to say THANK YOU to each and every one of you for sticking with me so far, I promise you that we will get through this before summer gets here. Now let’s talk about tonight’s episode, which actually took place in Alaska…

02 Real Bear Top Chef 1014 02
and the bears showed up to protest my slandering of their race via Stachey’s nickname

First, this entire episode was full of rain and chill and visible breath, and it just made me want to curl up with a kitty or two and not move from my couch. It started the second the chefs disembarked from the cruise ship and headed straight over to this place…

03 Tracy's Crab Shack Top Chef 1014 03
looks like Tracy’s non-sexist signage hasn’t quite arrived yet

For their QuickFire Challenge, the chefs are asked to make a delicious dish using pomegranate. KIDDING, they have to use crab, and no, I’m not going to make any pubic lice jokes. You guys are going to totally shit yourselves with wonder when you find out which chef is making yet another Asian dish, and which chef is using some more fucking bacon. $5,000.00 in cash is being put up for grabs and the guest judge is a local Alaskan who is super-knowledgable and wise in the ways of Alaskan King Crabs…

04 Sean Brock Top Chef 1014 04
KIDDING, they flew in some dude from South Carolina (he was in the film Newsies, I think?)

Or maybe he had a walk-on role in The Journey Of Natty Gann? Anyhow, after the QuickFire, the Elimination Challenge is another not-so-creative one, the chefs have to make a dish with sourdough bread and salmon. This means that they have to bake their own bread. This also means that the Magical Elves are so threadbare for episode material that we actually get scenes of the chefs watching their bread rise

05 Watching Bread Rise Top Chef 1014 05
hmmm, I smell another Emmy coming

J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

18 Comments

  1. 1
    Holyterror
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 5:48 am

    I only stay in it for you, J-Mo. :)

    I think they just started with too many contestants in the first place, and then they completely lost me when they dropped Kristen. I won’t even care to watch if she comes back, because none of the remaining chefs is a match for her.

    I think they should have a process by which you can vote to replace one chef with another who kind of resembles them — like you can replace one obnoxious European for another, or one dyke or Asian or douchebag for another more interesting one. I’m more interested in pretty much everyone who’s been eliminated than I am in anyone who’s left.

  2. 2
    Violet
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 6:02 am

    The picture of them watching the bread rise with the caption..”I smell another Emmy” is hilarious!!

  3. 3
    CrazyTrain
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Newsies FTW!

    Even I know that fish is not one that people usually consume…

  4. 4
    Miss Molly
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 8:13 am

    How come TC never has a “make a dish out of stuff we feed our dogs” challenge.?

  5. 5
    ANTM Fan
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 10:11 am

    A reference to The Journey of Natty Gann? This is officially my favorite recap, ever.

  6. 6
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 10:27 am

    You’d think a Hawaiian stoner with two daughters would watch Spongebob, but apparently not.
    It’s called the Chum Bucket, and nobody eats there for a reason.

    They better don’t let Stachebear make it to the final.
    He’s just gonna make bacon three ways (fried, twice-fried, and chicken fried) and call it a night.

  7. 7
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 10:29 am

    *three daughters.
    Got him confused with Moley Micah real quick.

  8. 8
    Hatched One
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 11:15 am

    “”looks like Tracy’s non-sexist signage hasn’t quite arrived yet”" Actually, another kind of crab came to mind when I saw this picture! Back to the Mini-Cap!

  9. 9
    Hatched One
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Guess I should’ve read further before commenting! Oh well, someone else had to say it!

  10. 10
    salvadoralexio
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    I am surprised not to see a comment on Daddy Tom saying that the bears are his “fan base” I thought for sure that was a reference to these recaps!

  11. 11
    dawn
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    I thought of J-Mo when Daddy Tom said the bears were his \fan base\ also.. :)

  12. 12
    juddfan juddfan
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    well, I’m mad . . . . Yosemite Sam and F’in bacon again!!!!

    UGH!!!!

    I think all the men on this episode were bears . . .

    I flew thirteen hours for this, so it better be good!!!

    Ps. Someone on EW cap used Yosemite Sam . . . thought you all might like it too!

  13. 13
    ADDolt
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Thanks chaosbutterfly! I was totally stuck on what to make for dinner tonight when you gave me the bingo! Chickenfried bacon. Yum.

  14. 14
    PacoSauce
    Posted February 7, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I laughed when Brooke went on about how being in the final four is such an honor, because there’s so much talent here. When StacheBear can reach the top three of a season, you know that we’ve scraped the barrel.

  15. 15
    JimbobJones JimbobJones
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 2:39 am

    This season will go down for me as the worst TC season. It’s somehow even worse than Season 7 (that sucks) which is an impressive feat.

    I like Kristen and all, but she shouldn’t be the best chef in the competition. In better seasons, she would probably just make it to the top 4. Here, her and McBitchy are the cream of the crop, which is depressing as all hell.

    Add in the bullshit “returns”, annoying drama, and two of the top 4 who make the same exact dishes every single time (seriously, douchebag, bacon doesn’t work on EVERYTHING. I pray the next challenge is a kosher challenge, just to see his friggin’ head explode), and we’re stuck with a REALLY crappy season.

  16. 16
    JimbobJones JimbobJones
    Posted February 8, 2013 at 4:28 am

    One thing, though, J-Mo… I’ve got to say that the worse the season is (I’m rereading your Season 7 recaps), the funnier you are. I guess it just falls into the “more stuff to make fun of” category, but I think this crappy season is the funniest that you’ve been since crappy season 7 (though obviously all of your recaps are awesome)

  17. 17
    Chicken Lips
    Posted February 9, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Maybe this is just me being completely disinterested in this season, but hasn’t Lizzie said every week, “I’m not that familiar with ______.” This week it was sourdough, two weeks ago it was fried chicken, and I think I remember her saying it a few other times, too. Isn’t she from South Africa? Do they not eat regular food there? What are you familiar with? I think she’s just giving herself an out if and when she has to pack her knives and go. I say “if and when” because the next challenge is probably pouring cereal and she won’t be familiar with pouring milk or something so she’s not making the final two.

  18. 18
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 17, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    Can I just say that the skeleton picture and caption still make me laugh?
    Because they do.
    Extremely hard.

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