Minicap: Top Chef Seattle

Merry Holidays, ‘Gasmii! Hopefully everybody’s blood sugar has normalized after last weekend. I hope so, because there’s no sweetness to be found in this week’s episode of Top Chef Seattle, which starts up where last week’s left off, with the cliffhanging build-up to Hater-Tots John verbally duking it out with UniBall and StacheBear. Sadly, the resulting payoff is actually very weak…

mostly because it devolves into them insulting each other’s genitals

You know, just once, I wish that when some guy insulted another guy’s wiener, they’d both whip them out to prove each other wrong. Right now this only happens in porn. Also, you usually only hear penile insults in the middle-school playground, so Season 10 is disappointing in the level of wit being displayed as well. They’re all being a big bunch of poopie-doopies right now.

The QuickFire challenge reintroduced us to the dangly-earringed Naomi Pomeroy, whom you might remember from the last season of Top Chef Masterswhere she screamed at her father a lot when they were forced to cook together (someone has daddy issues!). Also, did I mention her penchant for super-dangly earrings?…

hope she doesn’t have a lot of machinery in her kitchen

As for the challenge itself, well, the chefs had to butcher an entire side of beef (the kind that Rocky Balboa used to practice drooling and bleeding on in that old movie from the 70′s) and make a dish out of it. Moley Micah proves that he can be mega-overconfident, and Tyler Weird is just being a big fat Eeyore about everything, which seems to be setting him up to get sent home (the more interview time you get = the producers feel bad that you haven’t had enough screen time and it’s about to come to an end). The winner is going to really piss off the chefs…

sporting a madstache

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs are tasked with recreating a menu from the 1950′s at one of Seattle’s older fine-dining restaurants known as Canlis. Just because it’s a menu from the past doesn’t mean that the chefs have to use old-school cooking methods, right? This would be the perfect time to bust out some 21st century gizmos and gadgetry, wouldn’t it? UniBall seems to think so, and the results are jaw-dropping. Also, Hater-Tots takes it upon himself to expedite the dinner service at the restaurant, which leaves some of the chefs an easy out when it comes time to explain their suckitude. I didn’t think that was very fair to try and blame the Expediter, especially when you have to be able to HEAR him SAY STUFF in the kitchen and you’re stuck working next to Mouthy…

joo gonna tage me seeriouss evayn eef I godda suffacade joo wid mai gorjussly tone tighs