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Friday, December 7, 2012
12:53 am
11 Comments
Tagged: Bart Vandaele, bravo, Brooke Williamson, chef, CJ is still a major asshole, CJ Jacobsen, competition, cooking, Danyele McPherson, disgusting food, Eliza Gavin, Gail Simmons, Hugh Acheson, insulting your life's work, J-Mo, John Tesar, Josh Valentine, Josie Smith-Malave, Kristen Kish, Lizzie Binder, making Daddy angry, Micah Fields, padma lakshmi, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, seattle, Sheldon Simeon, show, Stefan Richter, stunt fish, tom colicchio, top chef, Top Chef Seattle, TV, tvgasm, Tyler Wiard, worst lunch ever
Wow, ‘Gasmii, can you believe this last episode? I thought that unbridled arrogance and severe self-delusion were the exclusive property of the Real Housewives franchises, but apparently these traits are now common amongst the chefs appearing on this season of Top Chef Seattle. I knew something was wrong when they had already finished presenting their Elimination Challenge food and it was only 31 minutes into the show…
hearing this wasn’t exactly a positive sign, either
But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s start with the QuickFire Challenge, which forced the chefs back into teams again, this time as much more manageable (and infinitely more toxic) duos. Thanks to the Schoolyard Pick, we end up with some pairings that are real doozies…
yay Team HaterStache
StacheBear says he would have rather been on anyone else’s team but Hater-Tots’, but his self-delusion prevents him from understanding that none of the other chefs wanted to be with him, either. Anyhow, the challenge they are faced with is to make breakfast for the Butt Crack ‘O Dawn™ workers at Seattle’s famous Pike Place Market (where throwing fish through the air is apparently unnecessary but still considered authentic). Not only that, but they have to build their own kitchen (fights will ensue!) and shove their food onto a stick…
sadly, no hilariously shitty uniforms are involved
This QuickFire is a good test to see just how awful these people will be at working together (and it’s not just Team HaterStache that implodes… Teams Bloweyeza and Rapunzzie are playing passive-aggressive games, too). This makes it especially harsh when the chefs discover they are going to be forced to keep the same teams for the Elimination Challenge!
Here’s where everything goes off the rails in a big fucking way. The challenge is for the seven duos to choose a randomly exotic (read: weird-ass) ingredience that is hand-made by “artisans” at the Market (this includes stuff like millipede meat, candied hemorrhoids and yak dong). Then they have to make a lunchtime dish and serve it to the same “artisans” who produced their respective ingredience. Never once in the ten seasons this show has been on have I seen a group of people look more insulted by lunch…
wellnow, that was a big Fuck-You Sammich covered in Eat Shit Sauce™
Seriously, it is such a massive FAIL that Daddy Tom gets completely infuriated, makes an executive decision and does something harsh, yet incredibly righteous. Delicious details will follow in the full recap. Also, for those who still think UniBall isn’t really being such a smarmy fuckface, you may be forced to reconsider after this episode, because he pulls his biggest dick move yet. Oh, and StacheBear goes after Tyler Weird for no reason. Check back in a couple of days for the full recap, and if you haven’t slogged through last week’s yet, you can find it here.
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11 Comments
Ahhhhhh watched this last night.
It was made of win win win!
The One Ball Wonder was a hugh ass, but Hughibrow dropped a people’s ELBOW on him with the quickness.
As always, I can’t wait to read your recap.
You do know that you are personally responsible for Rodel and me watching this. Rodel is always asking me about what you write (muthafucka doesn’t even like to read his texts).
You need some commission from Bravo.
I was wondering where to get candied yak dong . Our local winn dixie is fresh out.
Zimmerman says yak dong is the best penis he’s ever put in his mouth. I”ll leave you with that thought
I am so sick of the producers making the chefs do a challenge while sleep deprived, and then complain about the results. “What happened, you all cooked well before?” What a stupid question. Yes they should get up early to do a breakfast challenge, but then they should get a good nights sleep and do the elimination challenge the next day.
Loved Hughnibrow and the smack down he gave.
sheesh – great comment. I also loved Hugh’s retort to that goofball (pun intended). When I first read your comment, I thought you said Hugh dropped the people’s EYEBROW on him…
Looking forward to your next recap J-Mo. Still laughing at “Alo-huh” from your last one.
Philo-I love “The People’s Eyebrow”! Hahahahahahahaha
(man I wish I could take credit for that)
(dang)
Stachebear is such an a-hole. Waaay more so that Hater-tots. He went off on poor Tyler Weird (I’ve beeen calling him droopy dog, because of his constant defeatest attitude) for no reason. And, Tyler just took it.
I had to laugh when he compared himself to Stefan, and said how they’re both likable…yep – he is totally un-selfaware. A total douche.
I sincerely hope we get a dissertation on Stachebear’s hilariously clueless self-assessment. Or at least a full page of HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, because I’ve seen delusion before, but that was a thing of beauty.
And I follow Hugh on Twitter, so I know he has a bit of the “funny bitch” in him, but it was fantastic to see him deploy it so well at judging. If ever there was a SHABLAM moment in reality TV, that was it.
I wonder what turned CJ into such a douche. I have no recollection of him being such an idiot during his original season.
@exene, I was thinking the same thing! I don’t remember him being such an asshole first time around.
I kind of like HaterTots, but I can see how he might be annoying by never shutting the fuck up.
StacheBear’s general attitude reminds me so much of Lisa “fleasa” Fernandes. She stayed way longer than she should have, so it would not surprise me if he does too.
C.J. was always a douche. He always wants to think of himself as being one of the “cool kids.” Better yet, he feels he’s the epicenter of the cool kids. He is SO ADAMANT that his food is good when it’s pretty obvious that it’s NOT. When he says he’s cooked a lot of places, I have to wonder how many places he’s been fired from for the same douchiness he’s displayed on the show. The better chefs really listen to what the judges saw and work to improve on what are perceived as their shortfalls.