Minicap: Top Chef Seattle

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, December 13, 2012 | 1:57 am | 16 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

Hello again, ‘Gasmii! Are you guys getting excited for Christmas yet? I most certainly am, and as of right now, I am even more excited that I am only down 3 busted ornaments and about a third of the tinsel has been chewed off of my Christmas tree by Chunky and Chica. Their little paws are going to be so black when they start playing with the pieces of coal they’re gonna be getting from Santa Claus. You know who prolly isn’t very excited for Christmas? The cast of Top Chef Seattle. And do you wanna know why?…

01 Dude With Sweaty Armpit Top Chef 1006 00
cuz they had to celebrate it in August

Well, they didn’t really get to celebrate it, per se, but it was sort-of used as a non-denominational “inspiration” for the QuickFire challenge, which featured this nice old lady as a judge…

02 Marilyn Hagerty Small Top Chef 1006 00
stay off my fucking lawn and gimme my goddamn PILLS

That’s Marilyn Hagerty, whom I had never heard of until tonight. We’ll delve further into her backstory in the full recap, all I’m gonna say about her right now is that she reminded me of my own MeeMaw (the one who is dead and whose Last Act On Earth™ was to cleverly write me out of her will without once using my name, which is also a story for another time). In any case, the chefs were supposed to make a sweet and savory “holiday dish” utilizing a sugar-substitute that rhymes with Effluvia. Oh, and they’re only allowed to use one knife amongst all twelve chefs. I thought for sure this meant someone was going to finally get stabbed on this show, but ever since Mouthy Carla departed, everyone (except StacheBear) seems to have calmed down. Unsurprisingly, the winning dish is the one that would appeal most to old ladies with gently rotting teeth. And Moley Micah manages to make himself look like a tool…

03 Micah Fields Is A Tool Top Chef 1006 01
again

It’s pretty fucking nitpicky to expect old white ladies from North Dakota to be able to instantly tell the difference between a tamale and a taco. Hell, the first time *I* had a tamale nobody told me what it was or how I was supposed to eat it, and after I got a mouthful of dry corn husk people were laughing too hard to tell me where I went wrong.

Anyhow, for the Elimination Challenge, we find out the chefs are going to cater a “welcome home” party for a pair of TV actors…

04 Anna Faris Chris Pratt Switched Gender Top Chef 1006 02
some dude named Anna and a girl named Chris

I don’t watch any of the shows these two are appearing on, so please forgive my ignorance of their relevance. Also, I was confused about the “welcome home” party theme… I thought maybe it was going to be some kind of tribute to returning military servicepeople, but apparently this is what well-to-do actors and their families do whenever their more famous children decide to make a trip home for the weekend, they throw a really big party at an expensive venue and invite television cameras to record it. I find myself suddenly resenting my parents for not making a bigger fuss when I show up at their house to cadge a free dinner off of them.

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

16 Comments

  1. 1
    reality
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    I too was confused about the welcome home and thought it would be military. Never had the red carpet rolled out for me, but good for them! Plus, thought they were so cute in their snippet about reality TV. A fun poke and nod at the situation.

  2. 2
    JimbobJones
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Every time someone wins a car in this show, I crack up when Padma hands them the keys, because it always reminds me of the time Padma fastball-tossed the keys to Sleazabella. Nothing says “you disgust me” as much as keys tossed forty feet through the air.

  3. 3
    Miss Molly
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Marilyn Hagerty is da shit.

  4. 4
    exene
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Hey J-Mo– don’t let Chunky and Chica eat any tinsel– unless you don’t mind some expensive veterinary bills in the future. My husband’s a vet, and we don’t have tinsel on our tree– the cats can eat it and it can twist up and cause a blockage: http://www.cat-world.com.au/keeping-your-cat-safe-during-the-festive-season

    Love you! Merry Christmas!

  5. 5
    JimbobJones
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    @exene — That also goes for hair ties — a friend’s cat ate 17 of them.

  6. 6
    zerocool
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    The blatant product integration was over the top this time and very annoying. Wish they would stop, but it looks like it’s getting worse and worse every season.

    Love Parks and Rec so it was fun to see Chris Pratt.

  7. 7
    exene
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    and string– my husband goes nuts when I leave rubber bands laying around, too– we have four cats (and a dog)– so lots of potential for trouble :)

  8. 8
    thebigcheese
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    chris pratt is on parks and recreation and is hilarious
    but i kept seeing andy dwyer at the fancy party and it amused and distracted me thorughout the episode

  9. 9
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    I knew that tree was too pretty to live.

    @thebigcheese, me too!!
    I was waiting for him to do something hilariously stupid and had to keep reminding myself that he’s not Andy. It was also kind of weird to see him with someone who is not April.
    His mom was my favorite though. She was so cute and sassy.

    Scar was so unamused. I love when she gets like that.

  10. 10
    AliceinPopLand
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    Scar’s smack down was legen…what for it cause it will never ever happen again….dary!

  11. 11
    brzysmom12
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    I was opposite on who that couple was. Didn’t know who girly Chris was but Anna Faris was in House Bunny and all the Scary Movies 1 thru 150,000 or however many they did. She’s really pretty good at playing the clueless dumb blonde.

    Scar’s smackdown was the highlight of the whole show! I really did LOL, not just typing it for effect. It also earned a playback to enjoy it all again. As usual, looking forward to your recap, JMo. But now I have to go put eyedrops in so my eyes stop burning from seeing bacony adam again. ew
    WOW on captcha thingy – visit casinoarizona?? really? uhh they owe me money that i mistakenly put in their machines last week

  12. 12
    Philo
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 6:33 am

    So what did BBbacon Adam tweet? Must be relishing the extra 1/2 minute of fame you gave him J-Mo.

    I was a bit confused at the end. A chef didn’t want to shake hands at the end with certain people for fear of transferring a cold, yet this chef served dinner to a pregnant woman and her entire family? Then hugged it out in the stew room with the rest of the chefs?

    Looking forward to the recap as always!

  13. 13
    Val Detinha
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Oh J-Mo, the tamale caught you! LMAO !! That’s why when I see something that I don’t recognize on my plate I keep waiting for others to eat first! :-D

    Truvia?? Really?? Oh TC!!

    So, it’s safe to ASSume that the winner of the Cloyota car won’t win the whole shebang?

  14. 14
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    I never watch Parks & Rec, mainly because I’m burnt out on stupid NBC sitcoms, but I will forever love Chris Pratt as Emily Van Camp’s older brother on the short-lived WB show, Everwood. Best.Show.Ever. #gonetoosoon

    Well, when the worst BB player in the history of the show retweets you, J-Mo, you know you’ve hit the big time!

  15. 15
    Wasabipeas Wasabipeas
    Posted December 15, 2012 at 7:13 am

    I didn’t understand the use of a sugar substitute. Oh, PRODUCT PLACEMENT!

  16. 16
    badgerfreak
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 7:29 am

    I watched the episode but am really failing to recall the Scar smackdown…I’ll have to rewatch it, unless someone can give me a hint. I heart Chris Pratt to death. Parks and Rec is outstanding. I didn’t watch for a long time, because like @Derek Hazelton, I was over the formula sitcom from NBC, but (as a state employee I can fully appreciate Leslie and her situations) it won me over entirely.

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