Minicap: Top Chef Seattle

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, December 20, 2012 | 8:16 pm | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Top Chef

Happy Last Day On The Planet, ‘Gasmii! I was gonna blow off this minicap because the world is supposed to end, but then my Australian friends told me that they are enjoying the sunshine and warm weather and didn’t see any meteorites falling from the sky or fireballs suddenly erupting from the Earth. But then again, they haven’t seen the horrific cover of the latest Christmas album that Olivia Newton-John has released…

00 Olivia Newton John Travolta Hideous Christmas
the end us upon us, let’s have cocoa!

Now that is a smile that says “I like to suck dick” if I’ve ever seen one! Olivia’s kinda looks like that, too. And I’m not sure why John is having plastic surgery to make himself look like Bi-Curious George. In any case, I realized I’d be letting TVGasm down if I didn’t carry on, so here’s what happened on last night’s episode of Top Chef Seattle…

For starters, this week’s guest judge was Stephanie Izard (pronounced “EYE-zard”, and all this time I thought it rhymed with “gizzard”). She is the winner of Season 4 (the one who originally beat Richard BlazeHawk, hahahahahaha) and is the only Top Chef who is a woman…

01 Stephanie Izard Top Chef 1007 00
and for the record, I like her just fine

The QuickFire Challenge was actually kinda fun, the chefs were allowed to make anything they wanted to… except some OCD motherfucker went into the pantry and covered everything in tinfoil (yes, this is also an extended commercial plug for that kitchen standby, Ben Olds Crap) so the chefs can take anything they want, but whatever they unwrap they have to use in their dish. But that’s not all! They have to use the aluminum Crap to cook their dish as well. And then they have to design a dress out of it. And re-cover an old sofa. And fix a carburetor. And replicate cold fusion. The winner is a ballsy one, and one of the few likable people left in this cast.

For the Elimination Challenge, the Top Five from the QuickFire get to choose an opponent from the Bottom Five and cook head to head in a competition that involves making stuff with berries (the QuickFire winner gets to cook alone). The berries thing sounds great, except it’s supposed to be a savory dish, not dessert, so there go my dreams of a lovely strawberry shortcake…

02 Dingleberries Top Chef 1007 00
thankfully this is not one of the varieties they have to use

Each pair will have to cook their dish at a berry farm for some berry festival people who will turn around and vote for which berry dish they like best. I can’t say too much about the teams or I will give it away, but I can tell you that ThumbyHead goes into Alpha-asshole overdrive and gets into it with Hater-Tots over some frozen tuna. Also, Blowsie is extra-super-mega-ultra-annoying, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she has a vagina, and everything to do with the fact that she is a hideous hag who walks around making devil-horns and bleating “rawk’n’roll, dude!” like some cut-rate Guy Fieri, only with more facial hair. However, in the spirit of the Holidays, she did manage to give us all an early Christmas gift…

03 Stefan Richter Gets Flipped Off By Josie Smith-Malave Top Chef 1007 01
god bless us, every one

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

17 Comments

  1. 1
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 20, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    The things Stefan said to some folks in the stew room…..I died and lived again.

  2. 2
    lindaw205
    Posted December 20, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    Stefan can be such a dick and I’m so glad. He certainly made the episode worth watching. I’m looking forward to next week, too. And who knew Guy Ferry had a sister?

  3. 3
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Bravo pixelates middle finger gestures? They let Brandi on RHOBH say COCK with no bleeping, so that is puzzling. Leave the hand alone next time, Bravo, and pixelate Blowsie’s face instead.

  4. 4
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 9:06 am

    At least Bravo finally realized that the offending half of asshole is “ass” and not “hole.” Because bleephole is G rated but assbleep just sounds wrong.

  5. 5
    zerocool
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 9:27 am

    All I could think was that poor intern who had to cover every thing with tin foil. How many hours wasted?

  6. 6
    thebigcheese
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    loving kristen and sheldon.
    hate micah and josh.
    kind of fond of stefan despite myself. and i do think he is talented. also: blow me bitch/just run into my knife motherfucker. lets see if anyone can top those quotes this season.
    also, can i confess my secret love for bart? he just makes me smile ok? though i have not been overly impressed with his cooking ( though i do want to try some blackberry soup)

  7. 7
    gretchenbarney
    Posted December 21, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I will always love Stefan for one simple reason. Toward the end of his original season (finals?), after the Carla/Casey sous vide disaster, Carla was crying in front of the judges and he became very upset. After being so pompous all season, he was really sweet with her telling her not to cry, that it wasn’t worth it. He’s just a softie underneath it all.

  8. 8
    Exene
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 7:05 am

    I was happy to see Stefan back– I think he’s an excellent chef and should have won his season. I think Kristen’s a bit out of his league, though– \wifey\? She’s the Korean Padma. I would love if she or Brooke would win! Although I’d be happy if Stefan won, too.

  9. 9
    keebler elf
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

    is there any way to watch this online?

  10. 10
    brzysmom12
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

    How come I know these people by their J-Monames but have no idea who they are by their real names??

    Captcha is “Add rich flavor to your meal.” Anybody know where I can get a guy named Rich or a rich guy – I’ll take either one

  11. 11
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    I’m hoping, at some point, we can discuss that scam that is Last Chance Kitchen, or as I like to call it, “An Excuse To Keep the One-Balled Wonder Around.”

  12. 12
    lindaw205
    Posted December 22, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    “Redemption Island” is as bad an idea here as it was for Survivor. And WTH is up with John Travolta’s hair? It looks like someone took some black spray paint and tried to spray on a hair line.

  13. 13
    zbird
    Posted December 23, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Stefan is clearly an asshole, no doubt about it. He was really an asshole to Blowsie — and exceedingly juvenile with the grabbing his junk thing. But I have a feeling — correct me if I’m wrong, but I really don’t think that I am — that Blowsie inspires assholery in others just by being in the room with them. It’s like her version of a pheromone.

  14. 14
    zbird
    Posted December 23, 2012 at 8:47 am

    And Linda, I totally agree with the spray paint hair comment. John Travolta looks just like a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy from back in the day. Google it — the resemblance is eerie!

  15. 15
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted December 23, 2012 at 9:14 am

    zbird – I think you’re on to something… Blowsie just *inspires* others to hate her. I’m a rather loving person, but that headband makes me want to….ugh…I can’t even articulate how much I dislike her and her headband.

    brzysmom12 – I was doing the same thing when watching the show with my husband and calling them by their -gasmi names, not their real names. Hatertots comes to mind… Of course, I love Hatertots even if he’s the most hated chef in his city. :D

    Team Korean Padma (she SO IS!) and Hatertots!

  16. 16
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I ain’t blessed with no couth, so I dunno, but when near a casual conversation between two individuals, it is rude to say something to someone else who is totally not involved in said conversation? Rude to the point of deserving an aggressive call-out and a middle finger in the face?

  17. 17
    lindaw205
    Posted December 23, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Well, hell, you’re right zbird, he DOES look like one of Charlie McCarthy’s dummy’s. I wonder if his nose will now start growing everytime he denies groping a masseur.

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