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Thursday, January 3, 2013
12:07 am
32 Comments
Tagged: bravo, Brooke Williamson, celebrate the moments of your life, chef, Chris Cosentino, competition, cooking, cut a bitch, fucking product placement, horrible memories, J-Mo, John Tesar, Jonathan Waxman, Josh Valentine, Josie Smith-Malave, Kristen Kish, Lizzie Binder, Micah Fields, padma lakshmi, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, seattle, Sheldon Simeon, show, stabfights, Stefan Richter, tom colicchio, top chef, Top Chef Seattle, TV, tvgasm, Wealthy Choice, Wolfgang Puck, Wylie Dufresne
KIDDING! Of course I have stuff to say about this episode, because it brought back so many fond memories of Top Chef seasons past, and because the ending is mighty sweet, but first, let’s start with the QuickFire Challenge. From the description on my TV it said something about knife skills, and I thought it was going to be another one of those mise en place relays, but instead, the chefs are tasked with sharpening a bunch of dull knives and then attacking some paper with them (and not just any paper, but Top Chef® brand paper). Then they have to cut some taters into tiny turds. Then they have to chop up a baby rabbit. Then there’s a big stabfight, and the winner is the chef who doesn’t require a blood transfusion to survive. The chefs are competing for immunity and a knife that costs 500 dollars. Per inch. You can tell that some of the chefs are enjoying that little tidbit of information quite a bit, because in their minds…
they can now be proud of their 1500 dollar dick
And I’m being generous and rounding upthere. Anyhow, tricky editing on the part of the Magical Elves successfully hid the winner from being guessed prematurely, which I kinda love. I wish they’d done that for the Elimination Challenge. Which, BTW, was one big long commercial for Wealthy Choice frozen foodstuffs…
yes, I would lose weight eating these because I can’t afford enough of them to stay alive
Oh, we also get another plug for that lovely tablet (the Spindle Wire) which comes pre-loaded with “memorable moments” from the prior nine seasons of Top Chef...
strangely, this one isn’t included
Ah yes, the Rape Of Marcel™, I remember it well, and we laughed far into the night when it happened! You can really tell which seasons shone here, and which ones were completely forgettable (and yes, Season Seven that Sucked falls back on that goddamned fucking pea purée bullshit all over again). Anyhow, each chef is tasked with creating a healthier version of the dishes that are related to these “memorable moments”, which is hysterical when one of the fattest chefs on this cast starts spewing bullshit about how amazingly healthy their food always is. You’ll never guess who said that, but I’ll give you a hint…
they’re talking out of their well-padded ass
Here’s where the editing in the teaser for this episode ruined everything, because by the time the chefs have finished cooking (and you paid close attention), you already know who is on the bottom. On the plus side, we finally get to see the reunion of Wolfgang Puck and his favorite dish: horrible risotto. Only this time he is not allowed to stop the entire meal in order to take the offending chef back into the kitchen and show them how to make it properly. This time I wish he could have, because it would have been way Jyllicious to watch the chef involved get schooled. But in place of that, we get some more of StacheBear being a (thousand dollar) dick. Check back in a few days for the full recap, and in the meantime, if you haven’t finished last week’s, you can find it here.
love, J-Mo 
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32 Comments
PICKLES!
OMG, right? J-Mo (or anybody), can you please scope out Last Chance Kitchen. There is a framed photo that keeps popping up. Last week in the fridge, this week it’s under one of the island cooking stations. Who is it?!
I really thought that Leslie(?) had more common sense than serve old scallops to the judges AND regular people. WTF??? Would she do this in her restaurant.?That is almost an attempted murder I would think, since they probably make you very sick….4 -Eyes is NOT a most hated chef in Dallas. He is just a regular douche-bag on a reality show… By the way, even if he DID show up in front of the judges with 5 burger patties and a jar of pickles, he would have lost. His patties would be too DRY!!!
I was really starting to think Hater-Tots was misunderstood. I guess I was half right – I misunderstood how far up the Massengill Family tree his root was planted
My catcha code is CATS PAJAMAS!
$500.00 per inch?! And is not even eletric?
*my Hopper says “watch shows, not commercials”! What about when the shows become just huge informercials, Mr Hopper?!
So glad John is gone! Did he think he was on Top Chef or Find The Pickle? Because Find The Pickle is a completely different show on a totally different network. And if John shows up there I will vomit. Aye yi yi.
NOOOOOO! I stand alone in my love for Hater-Tots and my hate for Stachebear and Stefan. WHY COULDN’T BLOWSIE NOT LEAVE???
My sadness for this episode was overwhelming.
Top Model, however, will always be my favorite for the overall win!
I don’t know if leslie(?) didn’t take or over medicated but why would you serve those scallops? is it in cooking competition shows but somebody on Chopped dropped pork belly on the floor and served it to the judges like nothing happened WTF! Thankfully they saw it and called him on it and he was the first to go.
Wow, just wow on Healthy Choice’s rendition of the winning Crustless Chicken Pot Pie. From the package blurb: “Bravo’s Top Chef and Healthy Choice® have teamed up to bring you masterfully bold, innovative and exciting flavors. Inspired directly by Top Chef Season 10 recipes, we’re giving you a taste of what Top Chef just cooked up.”
Bull fucking shit. It’s frozen peas, corn and carrots in a bland, watery sauce with very tough, chewy dumplings and a token amount of chicken. Really, if you took a can of Hormel or Sweet Sue chicken and dumplings, and then stirred in some frozen mixed vegetables, you would have this crap beat to hell and back.
Wow, TC really has turned into just one big commercial. And added to the lame LCK is now an option to phone in and save a chef???? Next season instead of being eliminated maybe they’ll just have to sit in the corner wearing a dunce cap and have a time out. Holding a “buy Cloyota” sign.
After watching this I am shocked..no stunned…at how Bourdain and Rippert became world reknown while John (sob) poor John gets nothing. Life. Is. Such. A. Pickle.
I bought two of those Wealthy Choice dinners, and I thought that I would just dump the second one in a pan and heat it up on the stove so maybe the dumplings would not be as tough and chewy as with the microwave. That did make the dumplings a little better, but putting it in a pan really shows how little food is in a package. The plastic bowl is carefully molded to make it look like you are getting more than you are. It comes out to a penny a calorie, so if you are dieting exclusively on this shit, plan on spending between $16 and $18 per day, and as a bonus, you would be heavily overloading yourself on sodium.
You called it last week, J-Mo, on the Hater-Tots personality problem….. Karma’s a bitch, Bitch!
ok am I the only one who is seriously crushing on Chris Cosentino? Just yummy.
Interesting ending. Unexpected to say the least. Why would Lizzie even think to serve bad scallops? Seems like that’s an automatic nail in the coffin.
I have Bourdain’s “Kitchen Confidential” on my bedside table and I flipped through looking for Hatertot’s reference. Haven’t found it yet.
The “Rape of Marcel” is in the Top 10 Eliminations. I just watched it (on Demand) after this episode. This was one or two ( can’t remember and don’t want to waste another 10 minutes of my life.)
Why didn’t Stetan make the bottom?? It was a Healthy challenge and the judges see it swimming in oil.
I hope one time the dishes are brought out without knowing who cooked it. Knowing who the cook is may influence them ( I am positive they will not admit it). They need to shake things up.
@2muchbravo – Hatertots is referenced in Kitchen Confidential as Jimmy Sears and Bourdain had some great things to say about his cooking. Hugh’s been calling him “Jimmy Sears” all season and linked to an excerpt from the book where Bourdain waxing poetic about a demiglace that John made. So regardless of what a dickbag he is, he’s not making it up or puffing his own reputation from the 80s. He has skills, more than Bourdain as a chef who was admittedly mediocre, but his own self-destructive nature kept him from reaching a Ripert level of respect.
Having said that, Geez, any man who gets so freaking worked up about “being a nice guy” and “sharing the pickles” really deserved to have his ass handed to him.
Hater asks to use “some” of Lizzie’s dill, takes it ALL, and then tells us how nice he is for letting her have some of the pickles when the task was to make a pickle dish. I wish he really had taken every pickle, expecting an automatic win for preventing Lizzie from having any pickles in her pickle dish, and then being eliminated for cheating. That walk of shame would have been sweet to behold. Certain vocations seem to attract assholes, chefing and lawyering being two of them.
@tvsnark- I couldn’t agree more. If this is a cooking competition, then let the food speak for itself, not the chef who presents the plate. I am not saying every dish should be anonymous, but once in a while wouldn’t hurt.
As for Hatertots, I was actually liking him (much more than Stachedouche), until this whiny display. I didn’t know the chefs could deny the others of a KEY ingredient. Cook well enough to not be in the position that he put himself in, and quit bitching.
He was talking out of his ass, refusing to share the key ingredient of the challenge would have gotten him thrown out faster than Chef Tyler Stone. Whiny little bitch.
@ Loulee,
That’s bobblehead Andy’s pic.
I felt like tots was trying to make it look like he was being the nice one, when he was nothing but a sabotaging, whiney bitch!!! That nice balloon crashed like the Hindenburg on this epi!!! Also, he slammed her into the fridge, kept opening the door on the stove, used all her dill. He really seemed to go out of his way to hinder her, and if she hadn’t kept an eye on him, he may have succeeded. Note he calls her a bitch, when his manners in the kitchen have been awful!!!
Go Lizzie, I say!!!
Lastly . . . um, a fried egg on top of a “healthy” dish, of a big lamb burger . . . um . . . yeah . . . .
I’ve decided Stach was an insect in a previous life, with antennas on the face . . . watch him with that in mind . . . you may see what I mean! ; )
Cranky, I loved that you bought and let us know about that Wealthy Choice travesty. Thank you!
@AliceinPopLand – YES Mr Cosentino is overwhelmingly uber hot … and Jimmy Sears is not.
But I digress.
J-Mo – looking forward to your recap (as always!)
mmm
@vallegirl – Cosign everything you said.
I actually think the judging seems very fair. They seem to pretty easily kick out well-respected chefs who up until the week they got the boot cooked great meals, or at least weren’t consistently crappy.
@Valleygirl I found it. It’s in reference to another chef named Adam that they both knew. Adam and Hatertots were both talented but both hotheads and were often at odds. Bourdain said Hater is a talented chef. Apparently, he mentions him by his real name in one of his follow up books. I didn’t pick up that Hugh called him Jimmy Sears. I’ll have to keep an ear out for that in repeats.
I think we were seeing Hater’s true color’s start to come out. He seemed to soften up a bit last epi when he likened Brooke to his daughter but he turned into a little prick in the last epi. I think the guy is just a douche.
Found an eye-0pening article from a Dallas paper.
http://www.dmagazine.com/Home/D_Magazine/2011/September/John_Tesar_The_Most_Hated_Chef_in_Dallas.aspx?page=1
Hugh calls him Jimmy Sears in his blogs not on the show. I assumed it was some kind of cartoon/Python reference but he explained it in a later blog.
Ok, read Hugh’s blog. Love me some Hughnibrow. <3
<3 last chance kitchen too!
@2muchbravo…did you see my ? (2nd comment) about the photo on LCK? I’ve only spotted in in the last 2 episodes, haven’t re-watched the earlier episodes to try to spot. Driving me crazy!
According to Bourdain in Medium Raw, the voting for Top Chef is 100% legitimate. He wrote that book when he wasn’t working with them (he wrote it in 2009 — he hadn’t worked with them since early 2008, and wouldn’t again until late 2010, nearly 6 months after the release of the book), so I have no reason to doubt him. It’s not like he needed a book plug or a job from them.
I even did a little research, and found that the company that owns the Travel Channel (where No Reservations is on) also owns the Food Network, and he’s never had ANY problem trashing FN, so it kind of solidifies his claims that TC is legit, like it or not.
Also, as a huge fan of Kitchen Confidential, I’ve got to say I’m VERY disappointed that this doucheball is Jimmy Sears. Ugh.
@2MB — interesting article, and it seems pretty much inline with how he acted in this episode. From the accounts, I’m pretty surprised that he kept the dickbaggedness under wraps for so long.
Yes to Chris Consentino.
Yes to the demise of the Tots and to karmic retribution, because the challenge was not to use the fucking pickles, it was to make a dish inspired by the moment. Asshat.
Yes to Hughnibrow’s everything.
Yes to Kristen’s win.
No to J-Mo not being invited to their fancy TC Fan dinner.
They missed out.