Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Hoo-doggies, was this an episode or was it a free-for-all? If you missed last night’s Top Chef Texas, then you will want to start going “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” anytime anybody brings it up over the next couple of days, because believe me, you’ll wanna see this shit for yourselves… because this is everybody’s favorite episode of the season, the one the chefs all dread and fear, it can make or break your whole career, it’s… the contest to see who can come up with the least appetizing restaurant name!…

so, do you wanna be reminded of dented Boy Scout gear or unfinished pubic waxing?

Either sounds yummy to me. Of course, I’m talking about RESTAURANT WARS (or really, Café Skirmishes™, which is not quite as thunderous, but it’s still conflict) and this season the Magical Elves did us all a solid by forcing the chefs to bring back their skills… as interior designers…

the results are not as predictable (or delightful) as this

It’s still fun, though, to see the kind of stuff that people will do if given some cash and a few minutes at a Pier One Imports. If it were up to me to decorate a restaurant, i would take that money and go to the dollar store instead, and here’s why…

who doesn’t get hungry seeing Semi-Angry Confused Jesus displaying His throbbing, flaming heart and making gang signs?

And speaking of crazy candles, do you guys remember in Season Three when some chef had the brilliant idea to buy vanilla-scented candles for the tables. Sadly, nobody tops this feat of stupidity, but there is a lot that will make you want to punch your TV.

For starters, they automatically made it a boys vs. girls vs. Bore-verly challenge, which was a tad disappointing because I kinda wanted to see what sort of chaos a knife-block would have created… but the ladychefs made up for that nicely. And if you thought GroanyBooger was hateful before, just wait until you see some of the shit she pulls tonight…

giving Hag a serious run for her money in the race to Most Unlikeable Chefhole

As far as the boys team goes, they are naturally far less inclined to sit and bitch at each other over every little thing that goes wrong during their dinner service, and for this I am grateful, because I could not handle another super-sized episode with an extra 20 minutes of Ninja Eddie slamming shit around and Ty-Böre pretending to be butch (I’m sorry, but you cannot run around wearing skintight bunhugger capris all the time and expect people not to hear the tinkling bells that fringe your purse, porn-stache or no). And Penis-Hair is once again lost in a cloud of liquid nitrogen fumes for dessert, which makes me wish they would outlaw the stuff on this show entirely… or force the chefs to use it without gloves…

this’d teach ‘em

I’m just saying, it’s hard to be an amazing chef with holes in your hands. In any case, the boys play nicey-nicey with each other and pay the price when their service gets all fucked up. The girls, on the other hand, are all about catty backhands and passive-aggresive snottiness from the get-go, which makes for a much more interesting dinnertime. Mousy Lindsay is particularly annoying in her role as the “Hide In The Kitchen” “Front Of The House” person, she’s all sweety-sweet to the dining room, and then morphs into the foul-mouthed skankarona who gets stuck working the 2:30am Drunk Rush at Denny’s. She and Groany form a pretty gruesome twosome that seeks to destroy Bore-verly at all costs. Will they be successful in driving their bitchbus over our Wacky Ahjumma Woman? Check back in a couple of days for the full recap and find out. And if you’d like to check out last week’s recap while you wait (it’s pretty long, it might actually take you until the new recap is posted to get through it all) then click here.

love, J-Mo
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