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Thursday, February 9, 2012
10:56 am
31 Comments
Tagged: bawling, big chubby sexy guys, blubbering, bravo, competition, crying, food, funny, grief-stricken, hilarious, horrible people, Hugh Acheson, J-Mo, keening, lamenting, mental mentors, Michelle Bernstein, padma lakshmi, reality, recap, Redemption Kitchen, show, spoof, tears, Texas, tom colicchio, Tony Mantuano, top chef, top chef: texas, TV, tvgasm, wahing, wailing, weeping
Hi all. I just want to say a few words about crying. I know I say a lot of bitchy, nasty, mean, sarcastic, rude, horrible, unfeeling things in my recaps about people that I have never met. I know I seem like kind of an uncaring spiteful asshole jerk who is really jaded and bitter and seems to be in a combative mood just about all the time over any little thing that flies contrary to my world views. I know that I am going straight to hell and most likely do not deserve one shred of mercy or compassion or even the teensiest bit of respect from my fellow travelers on this planet. Okay, none of that was about crying, so I guess what I’m trying to say is deep down… I am the biggest blubbery softie that ever watched a movie on Lifetime. Which is why I never watch Lifetime any more.
I am not even kidding, I can’t keep my shit together to save my life, whatever I’m feeling on the inside, it almost always shows up on the outside (no matter how much fat I keep putting on to try and hide it), and it started when I was just a little kid. I cried at my first karate class because I didn’t know how to tie my own belt. I cried when they showed us the cheesy movie “Where Is Dead?” in the 4th grade. I cried for days after I finished reading “Where The Red Fern Grows”. I cried the first time some kid called me a faggot. I cried when Nia Peeples’ character Nicole Chapman got killed on Fame. I cried when I had sex the first time (with good reason, that guy was huge). I’ve seen “The Color Purple” and “The Joy Luck Club” 6,849,215 times each, and I still cry every time Nettie comes home to Celie and when Jing-Mei meets her twin sisters in China. I cried over everything having anything to do with 9-11. I cried when Flipit told me I could be a recapper. I cried over last week’s episode of Downton Abbey…
you’re probably all crying right now at how much overkill this all is
So basically, I’m trying to say that deep down I am very in touch with my emotions and feelings and I understand that sometimes you just can’t help yourself, shit happens, something blindsides you, and BOOM, waterworks…
in some cases, really blotchy unpretty shadow-mustachey snot-bubbly waterworks
The truly sad thing is that reality TV has ruined crying altogether with all the Cry Wolfing™ that goes on. Seriously, how many times can we watch Failor Armstrong get all cry-ey voiced and squinchy-faced, and yet not see a single drop of moisture leave her freakish eyes before we fail to be moved by her so-called emotions? How many assholes on Big Brother wind up wailing in a corner because they’re forced to live in a big house on TV all summer long instead of working? And I’ve lost count of how many chefs go on cooking shows like Hell’s Kitchen, and Chopped, and yes, even Top Chef and tell us how they’re doing this show for their dead relatives they’ve never met in North Korea…
I miss my communist fourth cousiiiins!
Well, there are still a few surprises in tonight’s episode. To begin with, the QuickFire Challenge was kind of a doozy, forcing the chefs to be blindfolded and then have to wander the Top Chef Pantry to pick out their ingediences by touch and smell alone. There is much bumping into walls and broken glass. Anything you grabbed and put in your basket, you had to use. Which would have gotten awkward if someone had happened to get their hands on a bottle of Lemon-Fresh Joy or a can of Ajax. A couple of the chefs wind up with stuff that’s almost as bad, and this is a pretty high-stakes quickfire, because the winner has to choose between getting a guaranteed spot in the Final Four (which, it should be noted, is not the Finale, so basically, immunity) and driving home in one of those fucking Cloyota Penis V’s they’ve been hawking all season with their awful soundtrack of shitty pseudo-folksy crapsongs…
that I suspect were all written by Mousy on a rainy day
Both the winner of this QuickFire, and their choice of prizes are supremely uninspiring, and more than a little sad. Then we come to the Elimination Challenge, where the chefs are all confronted by their culinary mentors, and this is what sets off the torrent of tears, some of which actually seemed to be related to genuine heartfelt emotion. Even TexAsian got really choked up, and he almost never loses control like this. Although, to be fair, he was standing right next to Ninja Eddie…
and Ninja’s hair was looking way more unwashed than usual
The remaining chefs are tasked with making a dish for their various mentors (one of whom is a mighty sexy big boy, woof) and they can do anything they want, including choose fresh ingrediences over canned or dried, but someone always takes the shortcut, and this time it just might be the reason for more tears… especially on the part of the winner of Redemption Kitchen, who is also revealed in tonight’s episode, and who is not immune to all the weepy wetness flowing around her…
and she may even be the cause of someone else’s grief
All will be revealed with the full recap (and please remember, as a courtesy to our global readers with no access to BravoTV, I beg of y’all not to post spoilers in the comments section) and while you’re waiting, feel free to take a look at all the Pee Weirdness in last week’s recap here.
In the meantime, please watch this video and take heart…
love, J-Mo
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31 Comments
I’m with you, even some commercials can result in waterworks. Good luck getting me to cry in public though.
Wrong person got sent home. And if I were Michelle Bernstein I’d slap Penisneck for saying that it was she who taught her how to be tough in the kitchen while still remaining a lady. Yeah, right!
I don’t know what it was last night but in ever interview I couldn’t stop focusing on the weird things Eddie’s mouth was doing. I know you always mention it in the recaps but last night it seemed so pronounced!
Excited for the full cap – and of course kitty porn!
Damn you, J-Mo! I wouldn’t have believed it, but that blurry pic actually looks like it could be either Bore or Jobless, depending on what I focus on. and I keep waffling on who I think it is. And I can’t get the damn show to upload on Amazon, so… grrr! Well done.
<3, SuburBint
So I’m tearing up just reading “J-Mo: The Early Years,” nodding my head at everything that made you cry. Then you get to Color Purple, which I watch every time it’s on TV which is just about every weekend and I weep watching Celie and Nellie – including yelling Neeellllliiiiieeee through the tears. So last night: Groany crying? I was laughing. Mousy crying? Laughing hysterically especially the “lady” part. Bev? not so much. TexAsian? weeping almost uncontrollably here. Ninja? just fixated on the weird things going on in his face, which definitely dried up the almost uncontrollable sobbing. J-Mo’s self-screen shot of heartfelt weepy horns? almost uncontrollable all over again… going to go grab a kleenex
I’m not sayin’ who used canned oysters, but when canned oysters were used, I knew that whoever did that had made a bad, bad mistake, just as bad as using pre-cooked shrimp or frozen scallops.
WatchIng the first minute of TC as I write…
NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Okay, from glimpses as I’m scrolling through the comments to write my own, now I’m gonna be crying? Fuck.
JMo – The Rosie Greer video? Such perfection, I’m crying over it right now.
Paul crying, though? Even that picture makes me want to hug him. And not just for the contact high that probably comes with a Paul hug.
guess it’s cause I’m a mom who is a recent empty nester,but I cried and wanted to help that little J-Mo tie his belt . I also wish I could have thrown dirt in the faces of mean jerky kids who called him names.
xo
I’m just glad you don’t cry at Titanic.
Thanks for the mini-cap J-Mo! I cry pretty easily too at stuff on TV. Seems like the older I get, the softer (ok, and fatter) I get. Looking forward to the full recap and more KittyPorn!!!
Lots O’ Love
At first I thought you were crying over who went home, J-Mo! I don’t see you as heartless! Those people can bring out the worst in us!
What made you cry at Downton Abbey? The last one I watched was the one with cousin Patrick, who wasn’t Patrick..I cried a bit too!
It is wonderful that you wear your heart on your sleave and let your feelings show! When you are feeling funny we get the benefit, when you feel bitchy, we reap the reward!
There is also nothing fake about you and what we read is what we get from the real you. You may be Sir Cryalot sometimes in person, but you aren’t wishywashy when it comes to your core beliefs. I know I won’t read an article from you one week, and the next week see an article from you swinging the other way. (didn’t mean it that way, but I like it,gonna leave that in)
The interweb is full of bullshitters. It is nice to know that if I am going to spend time out of my life that I can’t get back, I am not spending it on a flip flopping, bullshitter.
<3 Robin
Did anyone else that has watched show think it was very predictable? I didn’t have any shock at who came back, who went home or how things went down at judging. The magical elves really phoned in the editing on this episode. There was more suspense last episode of Jersey Shore than what I was presented here.
I don’t comment a lot and I must start. J-Mo I love your recaps. I check the TC page often to see if a recap is up. Thank you. I loved the tears from Paul and his mentor. Paul has never come off as insincere to me.
I have to laugh. You begged in the minicap for no spoilers, and still within the first few comments someone is disobedient.
Team Paul!
I don’t know who you are referring to, but I hope it’s not me! I will NEVER tell who bought the canned oysters, even if you beat me and waterboard me and read Taylor Armstrong’s book to me.
crankyguy – it was the comment above you. Someone slipped and used the name of the winner of LCK.
J-mo – I think I love you! I totally agree with the above poster….I don’t know if it’s the mom in me or what but I totally want to go back in time and tie your karate belt for you and hug you!!!
The show had me in tears. A) I’m a cryer too. B) when I see someone else cry I can’t help but cry too!
Can I just say that I think Paul is so incredibly awesome. I don’t live far from Austin and I’m definitely going to be going to his restaurant soon!
Can’t wait for the full recap!!
Oh and to Chef Pants….yes this episode was very predictable. The ousted chef said something early in the episode that made me know instantly it was they who would pack their knives and go
Oh J-Mo! I feel ya! I’m a total cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hatter. Which didn’t give me any sympathy for these folks ’cause I don’t like them. But I know what you’re saying. Thank you for posting that song!! It’s been more than 30 years since I’ve heard it, but I just realized I had memorized every inflection! It even pops into my head sometimes during cry times. How is that possible!?
Love your recaps!
Count me in as a fellow weeper. It’s so embarrassing.
J-Mo, your recaps are always golden, you can level fools with one beautifully descriptive sentence. But what I like best is knowing that you get as invested as I do while watching. After The Color Purple I instituted my own rule about attending movies. I cried so hard the first time I saw it that I gave myself a headache. So, if a movie is known for being sad I wait for the DVD so I can watch in private. And yes, on Downton Abbey when cousin Matthew walked in after being thought lost or killed, I
sobbed. My husband is accustomed to it, just hands me kleenex. I can’t change how emotional I get, so now I just try to not humiliate myself in public theaters.
It has always been my theory that serial smartasses are some of the biggest softies in the world. I even cry at freaking commercials! I think the LCK is unfair. Whoever was to come out of that did not have to do nearly as much as the ones who stayed in (ie- riding a bike through the alamo and other challenges). It seems like it was almost an advantage to get eliminated and come in the back door – IMO
*whoMever – sorry grammar po-po
S-Natch, I think you might be right. At LCK, your competition is a group of the worst chefs, and the daily grind does not appear to be nearly as exhausting. It’s essentially a place to get some R&R while waiting to be put back in to the real competition.
I love your recapping but have never posted a comment, but when you mentioned “Where the Red Fern Grows” I just had to post. I remember in 4th grade our teached reading it and everyone crying? Even the boys. Brought back so many memories. So happy to know others have read it too.
@crankyguy – VERY good point about the R&R. Wonder if future contestants might use the strategy of getting booted in order to go to LCK and get back in that way. Of course, they would be gambling that they are still doing it, but it could happen, I suppose.
I know this is a few days old and over with but I just read the comments. To J-Mo – I’m hanging my head in shame and apologizing in a big way after being caught up in watching the show and your sad picture that I wrote my comment after totally forgetting about the LCK drama. I inadvertently made a mistake, an oops, and wrote what I did without even thinking that some people would not have watched this yet and I was excited to read your mini recap. I apologize to (almost) everybody and am embarrassed for accidentally putting in one word that kind of ruined a few people’s lives apparently. I’m sorry and will be more careful. I even thought I can’t come here anymore but that would be ridiculous. To the person who commented that I was disobedient?? I’m a grown ass woman, not a freak’n kid. I didn’t pee on the rug or not eat my broccolli during dinner so I can’t have my dessert now. I’m not the first person to do this, won’t be the last and it wasn’t intentional. I love reading J-Mo’s masterpieces and got caught up. That’s it. Done. I’m going to go eat half a box of Little Debbie’s now. (Sorry again J-Mo!)
@S-Natch, you were right the first time. Whomever is an object and not followed by a verb. Who is the same and I, he, we, they. Whom is the same as me, him, us, them.
@brysmom12, oh good lord. I was laughing, but guess you missed it. And disobedient was a perfectly acceptable word. Even for a “grown ass woman”.
@Crissy – thanks for saving me from the wrath of the grammar patrol!:)
@brys – disobedient is the ONLY way for a grown ass woman to be!
S-Natch, you’re an awesome recapper and I love your writing. And that last comment was hilarious.