Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, November 10, 2011 | 1:38 am | 13 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

Hiya kids! Didja have a good time with tonight’s new episode of Top Chef Texas? Yeah, I kinda did, too, although it was missing that certain je ne sais quoi… which is French for “shitcocks named Tyler”… and speaking of StoneBalls, I happened to see that he’s taken to individually lashing out on his Twitter page at anyone he finds making fun of him (naturally he blames his lightning-like dismissal on the show editing, the dull hacksaw, Daddy Tom, the curvature of the earth, etc) and he has a serious message for all of us hateful bloggers out here who have nothing better to do than poke holes in his giant-ass ego…

Tyler Stone's Dumbass Tweets Top Chef 0902 01
sorry StoneBalls, I’m not down with courteous hatred

The last place I would link to is this dickwad’s website, he might think people want to see him on TV again. And speaking of Tylers (i.e. Ty-Lör Boring) thanks to the commenter who mentioned that there was the possibility of Mr. Prëtentïoüs Umläut having done porn in the past (thanks, kczar!) I couldn’t very well not go looking for it… and here it is!… sorta…

Ty-Lor Boring's Boring Ass Top Chef 0902 02
gawd, even his porn is boring

I don’t find him particularly sexy, but apparently someone over at Butt Magazine felt he was worthy, so there you go. BTW, the link is NSFW (obvs) but it deserves more traffic than Tyler StoneBalls’ site! In any case, tonight’s episode is the cookoff competition for Group 3, the remaining 10 chefs, and it’s a doozy. We get Hughnibrow for judging and a table with ten ingrediences on it, everybody gets to pick one. Sounds pretty simple… until they find out the twist, which is that they each have varying times with which to cook their choices. Good one, Magical Elves! I didn’t see that one coming, and I thought this was gonna be just a straight one-hour shot. Turns out, depending on what kind of timer they landed, they have 20, 40 or 60 minutes until they shit themselves of cook time…

Group 3 Gets Screwed Small Top Chef 0902 03
this should be the subtitle of the episode

This winds up being the most brutal round yet, with chefs getting their asses sent home right and left, some because of bad food, some because of bad plating, some because they ran out of time and didn’t put anything on a plate. I know, right? It’s hard to believe that after 9 seasons and 97,000 episodes this kind of thing still happens to these people. And I love it a little bit more every time.

Meanwhile, two more chefs get sent to the bubble (thanks for explaining that, vallegirl!) bringing the total up to six. I had predicted that they would be competing for only one chef-coat, but I was wrong, they had two coats to fight over (yes, only three chefs out of the original ten in Group 3 made it through) and this time they had no restrictions on ingrediences, and 45 minutes to fuck things up rock their food.

This is where we learn some new things about these people. For example, Janinebian’s ex-girlfriend is a complete bitch. Also, Edward Lee from Kentuckee has kind of a murderous streak in him. He winds up taking those impulses out on his own hand later on. Also, there’s a weird bald French guy with big starey eyes who reminds me of Doctor Lecter, and not in a sexy way. All in all, it was a mighty fun way to winnow it down to the final cast for this season, and then we get to see some of the stuff that will be coming up…

Patti Labelle Sings On Top Chef 0902 00
oh, please tell me there is a marmalade challenge coming up?

Come check back in a couple of days for the full recap, and while you’re waiting, if you haven’t had a chance to check out Episode One, click here, there are .gifs and kitties and drag queens just waiting to be seen!

P.S. Thanks to everybody for all the lovely comments and the warm welcoming return, y’all made me feel like a big-breasted blonde sitting on the lap of Texas billionaire…

love, J-Mo :)

J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

13 Comments

  1. 1
    mnkid
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 6:15 am

    Hairy umlout butt first thing in the morning? EWWWWW! Um, thanks(?) J-Mo. Gag.
    Looking forward to the full mont…er, recap.

  2. 2
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Okay, I had to go to StoneBall’s site after reading this. He is “one of America’s rising stars” according to him, and his bragging rights include having cooked for the effing Maloofs. His $20 pamphlet cookbook contains all of thirty-six recipes, but I guess it’s totally worth it since it’s signed!!!

  3. 3
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 8:04 am

    You’re welcome, JMo. Both my father and brother were such gearheads that we the Indy 500 was “holiday viewing” for us.

  4. 4
    zerocool
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 8:43 am

    My eyes, my eyes! It looks like porn from last century with his handlbar mustache.

  5. 5
    Fan-Ann
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 9:11 am

    There isn’t enough wax in the world to take care of pretentious umlaut’s tundra.

  6. 6
    LAC LAC
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I would like to declare war on whatever country Tylor Boring butt is from, please.

    What a sadistic show – it is like “Saw” with pretty plating. You start getting attached to people and poof they are gone.

    Tyler StoneBalls, really? You have to twitter a message to bloggers in the hopes that someone will look at your website? How many different ways can you be a loser?

  7. 7
    2muchbravo
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Frenchie was pretty pathetic for a seasoned chef. It looks like there are still some twists down the road. I knew we couldn’t have a season without a chefbian! Did anyone else catch Padma saying, “There’d better be some mother f’in snakes on some mother f’in plates!” in the previews? I still just want to grab Hugh’s chin still and pluck everytime I see him!

  8. 8
    2hyper
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    I love you J-Mo but please help a sister out: limit the amount of times you reference the words penis, vagina, and porn. You are killing the filters at the job and I really cant wait until I get home to read your recap. Thank you!

    Your loyal reader 2hyper

  9. 9
    randomnicole
    Posted November 10, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    That episode was a mess, in all the right ways. Can’t wait for the recap!

  10. 10
    illinigal
    Posted November 11, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Every time I see a pic of Tyler I get creeped out. And I think I know why now…He reminds me of Doug Hutchinson, that actor that married the 16 year old. GROSS. Gives me the heeby-geebies.

  11. 11
    kczar
    Posted November 11, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    I got a mention in a J-Mo recap? I can die happy now! Frenchie reminded me of Dr Evil. I expected him to cook frickin’ sharks with frickin’ lasers attached to their heads.

    Hope Janine the Lesbian makes it through on the “redemption island” twist. I really liked her and hope that she can rub her ex-girlfriend’s nose in it.

  12. 12
    jersey4041
    Posted November 12, 2011 at 8:48 am

    I feel like they eliminated anyone I might actually like.. I also really hate that they wasted 2 weeks on gimmicks. I don’t like the lesbian, she’s sort of doofy. I also hate people who talk through their teeth. Anyway, I’ll watch because I’m comitted but I would like to see the cooking competition and not all these games.

  13. 13
    shantigal
    Posted November 12, 2011 at 10:10 am

    So true J-Mo, group three got bufu’d with a wire whisk. Looks like you had to do a lot of homework on the asshats of this season. I thank you for saving me the time.

    @illinigal-Stoneballs does look like that perv Hutchinson. I first thought he was one of those lesbians that look like Justin Bieber.

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