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Hello again, ‘Gasmii, are you ready for the real Top Chef Texas to begin? Good, because while it was fun to watch the pre-qualifying rounds (simply for the sheer joy of watching so many people melt down in 60 minutes or less) there were just too damned many of them to keep track of. And actually, even sixteen chefs are still too many for me to really make sense of, and there are quite a few who get zero face-time in tonight’s episode, which is a shame…
considering Taylor Armstrong managed to get some, and she’s not even on this show
KIDDING, that can’t be Taylor Armstrong, that snake is way too fat. And it eats stuff. In any case, tonight was the very first QuickFire Challenge of Season Nine, and it just so happened that the not-so-secret ingredient was a bunch of dead snakes. Make something delicious with that, chefs! Personally, I think they all got off rather easy because a) the snake was dead (watching the chefs wrangle them live out of a tank would have been HILARIOUS, people do funny things under the influence of rattler-venom) and 2) they were already skinned (I would kill to see Padma picking snake-scales out of her teeth and starting to complain, only to have Hugh Acheson shut her down by reminding her she used to blow Salman Rushdie). The Magical Elves missed a golden opportunity. Regardless, it is an entertaining challenge, especially seeing how oogy some of the chefs get over handling this kind of slithery, slimy protein. I’m glad I didn’t have to eat any of what they produced (and that’s saying something, because I am not afraid to put disgusting things in my mouth).
Next, for the first Elimination Challenge, the chefs were divided into two teams, one Turquoise Green and the other Tacky Pink, and they were charged with cooking the food for a young Mexican-American girl’s most special day…
the day she auditions for RuPaul’s Drag Race
Sadly, that dress is far too tasteful and understated to make it with the Ru Crew. In actuality, the chefs are catering a quinceañera, which is Spanish for “draining dad’s bank account”. Think I’m kidding? MTV used to have a TV show about the Caucasian-American version of this. It was called My Super Sweet 16, and the parties they profiled on the show are partially to blame for the economic meltdown of the U.S. and the rise of the new class warfare. Thankfully, the young lady whose rite-of-passage party is being catered by Top Chef seems very sweet and kind and, above all, hungry. She doesn’t need an entrance via helicopter, or a new Lamborghini, or J-Lo doing terrible Selena impressions at her party, she just wants some good Mexican food and a nice piece of cake.
Unfortunately for her, there is only one Latino chef in the bunch, and the rest of them are pretty much swatting at piñatas in the dark when it comes to making comida Mexicano auténtico. The first clue? Someone buys frozen pre-cooked food. The second clue? Someone else buys pre-made tortillas. The third clue?…
someone makes something that tickles Daddy Tom, pisses off Hughnibrow and scares Scar
And yes, the good old Murderous Reality Show Bus™ is back, and the accusations of who’s driving it are already flying. Come back in a couple of days for the full recap. In the meantime, if you haven’t checked out last week’s recap yet, you can find it here.