Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Hi ‘Gasmii, and Happy Thanksgiving! It’s 4am and I just stumbled outta bed and I tumbled to the kitchen, poured myself a cup of Diet Dr. Pepper and tried to remember that today of all days is when I really need to make sure to take my meds. You see, my BF and I are hosting my family this year and that means we have to make sure to meet the special needs of an IBS victim, a pescetarian, a gluten-allergy, a lactose intolerant, and a level 8 Vegan™… and that means that at some point someone is going to break down in tears. Possibly me.

And speaking of tears, tonight’s episode of Top Chef Texas was chock full of them, starting out with the QuickFire Challenge… I dunno about you guys, but these days it seems like we just can’t get away from hearing a lot about spicy “food products”…

suck my Scovilles, you hippie commie pinko bitches

Yup, you guessed it, the cheftestants’ first challenge tonight had to do with getting their First Amendment rights trampled on making a dish out of hot peppers. Not only that, but this is the first time I can remember there being a sliding prize scale for winning a QuickFire… as in: the hotter the pepper the chefs chose to use, the more cash they could win (up to $20,000.00 for using a bhut jolokia or “ghost pepper” in a dish… provided said dish didn’t cause Padma’s tongue to be spontaneously incinerated). On the downside, if you used a lowly poblano pepper for your dish, you might not fry everyone’s taste buds, but you’d only win about five bucks. Still, it was interesting to learn more about the handy-dandy Scoville Rating Scale…

note where the hot-as-fuck “ghost peppers” fall on the scale

Strangely enough, some of the people I expected to do really well on this challenge wound up boning the shit out of it. And the winner was a bit of a shock. But the best part of all was seeing tonight’s guest judges turn out to be Mary Sue Milliken and Susan “ChicleTeeth” Feniger. i love those two, and i’ve even eaten at their restaurant Border Grill in Las Vegas. And now I can say I’ve actually eaten a $37 quesadilla.

The Elimination Challenge put the chefs into five teams of three and pitted them against each other in a chili cook-off. This meant that we had some groupings that were super-cool working with each other, and some that were aiming to coin a brand new version of “I’m not your bitch, bitch…” This also meant more meat-counter mayhem, and then the chefs had to pull an all-nighter to get their gloppy-ass chili cooked. A lot of them were whining and complaining about how tiiiiired they were. Um, if you candy-asses wanna talk late nights, then you should try recapping.

After many scenes of punchy chef behavior, the five teams served their chili to a giant group of real-live Texans at a rodeo, and this time the regular people got to choose who won. Normally the judges don’t like for this kind of thing to happen because when you let regular people vote for stuff, you find various cast members from the movies “Predator” and “The Running Man” winding up in gubernatorial office. However, as far as the losers went, Daddy Tom, Scar, Gail Simmons, Mary Sue and ChicleTeeth held on to their Eviction Powers™.

Although, I have to say, we did have another slightly sick (yet brilliant) twist tonight. The Bottom Team of three chefs had to go back into the kitchen and rework their shitty chili into a brand new dish to present back to the judges, and that is how tonight’s loser was chosen. It’s too bad we couldn’t just get rid of the chef with the dumbest hairstyle…

especially now that Penis-Hair has circumcised himself

Also, it appears that there are no razors in Casa Del Cheffo, because everybody seems to have quit shaving. I hope that doesn’t extend to the ladies, or there are gonna be some mighty prickly laigs walking around up in that house. Nobody deserves to suffer from Random Rugburn™. In any case, there are some real fun things going on (such as, I think Chris Crary is actually a closet ‘mo), and of course, we have some inexplicable things as well…

this is the only way I can justify Bore-verly’s random tears tonight

So please, check back in a few days for the full recap, and if you’ve got time to kill while waiting for your relatives to finally murder each other over who gets the last piece of punkin pie, check out last week’s recap here! Believe me, at 17 pages it’ll last you till the cops show up with their little cans of “seasoning”.

love, J-Mo