Howdy once again, and let me be the first to warn you that we have now entered the territory known as Top Bitch Texas. It is truly amazing, just when I think I’ve seen the most heinous, asinine and pointless behavior ever out of grown adults (such as the Baba Wawa “interview” of the Bartrashians earlier tonight) someone manages to come along and infuriate me all over again. But I’m getting ahead of myself. If you’ve read the recap of last week’s show, you know that I was at my little sister’s wedding and that something like this happened…
and then a bunch of other stuff happened plus I ate a Choco-Taco in two bites
You would think that I would have learned by now what a cruel and horrible mistress Lady Tequila can be, but sometimes her salty, limey ways still entrance and entice even an old dog like me into thinking I have a handle on things… and then I wake up in a strange mobile home with no underwear and a reverse imprint on my face in the shape of the crotch of a pair of Levis. Highly embarrassing.
Well tonight’s QuickFire Challenge was alllll about pairing food with tequila, which is something I personally try never to do. If you drink tequila and you have, say, a greasy roast beef sammich in your belly, you often get to find out later on what that sammich looks and tastes like after it’s been down there for a while. However, tonight’s guest judge is none other than Tim Love, who appeared on the first ever episode of Top Chef Masters, and who is also…
quite familiar with cooking while being hammered
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Functional Alcoholism at it’s best. In any case, this QuickFire is OF COURSE another crummy commercial for a specific brand of tequila, so you can bet I’m gonna do everything in my power not to mention the real name of it. And no, it does not rhyme with Rosé Swervo. Tonight’s winner is actually a little surprising… and no their name does not rhyme with Whore-verly.
Speaking of Bore, the Elimination Challenge turns out to be her worst nightmare…
Yes, the chefs have to pair up to cook one of Tim Love’s many specialties: Stuff They Don’t Sell At Whole Foods But You Can Shoot And Eat Anyway, by which I mean wild game. This shouldn’t be too rough, except the big twist is that the chefs themselves are also judges, and are tasked with eating each other’s food and deciding (as a group) which three teams (out of six) are going to be up for elimination. And yes, I wrote “team”, because tonight is a DOUBLE ELIMINATION NIIIIIIGHT!
This means that Bore-verly and Fag Hag Heather are forced to spend time in the same zip code with one another, and you know that has absolutely no chance of ending up any way other than bad….
this was a joke last week, but now I think I might be psychic
I should have known something was up when Judges’ Table happened at the 40-minute mark. There are a lot of crazy things that go down, DaCody Diablo makes some of the burntest-looking meat I have ever seen (that still manages to be raw inside), Penis-Hair stupidly tries to pull yet another doozy out of his Bag Of Failed Tricks™, and Fag Hag and Bore are pretty much pick pick pick bitch bitch bitch pick bitch pick bitch poke slap growl roar slice stab strangle disembowel. Seriously, even before Fag Hag goes all Large Marge on everybody, there is going to be a moment that leaves you looking like this…
sexy, but not too bright
It’s going to make for a fun recap, but I warn you now, I might be forced to draw vaginas on somebody’s face (and I don’t even know how to draw a vagina, so it’ll prolly just wind up looking like a lot of mustaches). In the meantime, if you have already checked out last week’s recap, feel free to jump in the TVGasm Time Machine™ and enjoy Flipit’s, LoLo’s, Alejandra’s and my prior recaps of Seasons 2-8 of Top Chef and Seasons 1-3 of Top Chef Masters. Also, to get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!