Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, December 15, 2011 | 1:22 am | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, MiniCaps, Recaps, Top Chef

Howdy once again, and let me be the first to warn you that we have now entered the territory known as Top Bitch Texas. It is truly amazing, just when I think I’ve seen the most heinous, asinine and pointless behavior ever out of grown adults (such as the Baba Wawa “interview” of the Bartrashians earlier tonight) someone manages to come along and infuriate me all over again. But I’m getting ahead of myself. If you’ve read the recap of last week’s show, you know that I was at my little sister’s wedding and that something like this happened…

Tequila Ruins Everything Top Chef 0907 00
and then a bunch of other stuff happened plus I ate a Choco-Taco in two bites

You would think that I would have learned by now what a cruel and horrible mistress Lady Tequila can be, but sometimes her salty, limey ways still entrance and entice even an old dog like me into thinking I have a handle on things… and then I wake up in a strange mobile home with no underwear and a reverse imprint on my face in the shape of the crotch of a pair of Levis. Highly embarrassing.

Well tonight’s QuickFire Challenge was alllll about pairing food with tequila, which is something I personally try never to do. If you drink tequila and you have, say, a greasy roast beef sammich in your belly, you often get to find out later on what that sammich looks and tastes like after it’s been down there for a while. However, tonight’s guest judge is none other than Tim Love, who appeared on the first ever episode of Top Chef Masters, and who is also…

Tim Love Gets Drunk At Work Top Chef 0907 00
quite familiar with cooking while being hammered

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Functional Alcoholism at it’s best. In any case, this QuickFire is OF COURSE another crummy commercial for a specific brand of tequila, so you can bet I’m gonna do everything in my power not to mention the real name of it. And no, it does not rhyme with Rosé Swervo. Tonight’s winner is actually a little surprising… and no their name does not rhyme with Whore-verly.

Speaking of Bore, the Elimination Challenge turns out to be her worst nightmare…

Heather Terhune Is A Big Fat Bitch Small Top Chef 0907 01
and ours

Yes, the chefs have to pair up to cook one of Tim Love’s many specialties: Stuff They Don’t Sell At Whole Foods But You Can Shoot And Eat Anyway, by which I mean wild game. This shouldn’t be too rough, except the big twist is that the chefs themselves are also judges, and are tasked with eating each other’s food and deciding (as a group) which three teams (out of six) are going to be up for elimination. And yes, I wrote “team”, because tonight is a DOUBLE ELIMINATION NIIIIIIGHT!

This means that Bore-verly and Fag Hag Heather are forced to spend time in the same zip code with one another, and you know that has absolutely no chance of ending up any way other than bad….

Heather Terhune Loses Fan Favorite 2 this was a joke last week, but now I think I might be psychic

I should have known something was up when Judges’ Table happened at the 40-minute mark. There are a lot of crazy things that go down, DaCody Diablo makes some of the burntest-looking meat I have ever seen (that still manages to be raw inside), Penis-Hair stupidly tries to pull yet another doozy out of his Bag Of Failed Tricks™, and Fag Hag and Bore are pretty much pick pick pick bitch bitch bitch pick bitch pick bitch poke slap growl roar slice stab strangle disembowel. Seriously, even before Fag Hag goes all Large Marge on everybody, there is going to be a moment that leaves you looking like this…

John Goodman Is Sexy But Not Too Bright Top Chef 0907 00
sexy, but not too bright

It’s going to make for a fun recap, but I warn you now, I might be forced to draw vaginas on somebody’s face (and I don’t even know how to draw a vagina, so it’ll prolly just wind up looking like a lot of mustaches). In the meantime, if you have already checked out last week’s recap, feel free to jump in the TVGasm Time Machine™ and enjoy Flipit’s, LoLo’s, Alejandra’s and my prior recaps of Seasons 2-8 of Top Chef and Seasons 1-3 of Top Chef Masters. Also, to get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

love, J-Mo :)

J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

17 Comments

  1. 1
    myrnatyrna
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 5:32 am

    OMG…someone has GOT to take that bitch down. She is simply awful. What an arrogant monster. I’d also love to see her totally face-plant in the kitchen…maybe slip on a strategically placed plantain peel.

  2. 2
    kczar
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 5:42 am

    I was trying to give Heathen the benefit of the doubt, but she really is a bitch. Apparently, she tweeted something last night to the effect of, “I call it like I see it. If you don’t like it, that’s okay. I am nothing but honest.” And bitchy.

  3. 3
    TalldrinkofH2O
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 6:05 am

    FagHag needs to learn to let go. The past is the past; you can’t do anything to change it. Focus on the NOW. She also obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the term “work ethic.” I don’t think that they’ve ever shown clips of Bore loafing around. She’s always working, just maybe for herself and not the team. “Work ethic” means more about showing up on time, doing the job that was tasked, staying busy, being honest, etc.
    FagHag totally blew it last night by throwing Bore under the bus . . . and herself along with her. What an idiot move!! Grayson is spineless and weak, so I would have cut her off as well when she started blathering. She and PenisHair deserved to go home for a mixed up dish that was stupid from the concept onwards. I feel sorry for Divot Diva because she definitely had the skills, but, as the judges noted, shame on her for not checking on the how Cody was doing with the meat as she went along. All her beautiful side dishes were for naught with the meat being so incredibly undercooked.
    FagHag’s probably getting death threats now . . .

  4. 4
    TalldrinkofH2O
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Oh, and happy for Tylor that he won the quickfire. Daddy Tom was very impressed, as was I, when he took the heat (literally and figuratively) for the failed steaks last week vs. giving excuses or blaming anyone else (although turtleneck deserved it.)

  5. 5
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 6:25 am

    I wake up in a strange mobile home with no underwear and a reverse imprint on my face in the shape of the crotch of a pair of Levis.

    yea, I hate when that happens.

  6. 6
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 6:29 am

    Heather puts the c u n t in cunt. As a practicing fag-hag, I beseech you, J-Mo, to consider rescinding her title! I will save my comments on this episode until your brilliant recap. For Pete’s sake, my 70+ year old mom turned to me and said “she’s a nasty bitch”. Heiffa needs to go!

    Tequila, J-Mo? You and me both, brotha!

  7. 7
    randomnicole
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Ok I am going to put Toddlers and Bad Parents on hold and watch Top Scaylope now.

    Also, tequila is directly responsible for each of my 3 spawn. True.

    I agree with LAC, us fag hags are people too, mostly way better than Heather!

  8. 8
    lestermaddox
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Talk about the editors keeping people just for the drama – the wrong team went home.

  9. 9
    Tom's Pants
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 10:17 am

    I don’t get what moment you are referring to that would leave me slack jawed.

  10. 10
    Tom's Pants
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 10:18 am

    I don’t get what moment you are referring to that will leave us slack jawed.

  11. 11
    timgunnssister timgunnssister
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I keep hoping that Heathen will prove to be the best chef and so has earned the right to be bitchzila queen of the world but alas, she’s just your average, run of the mill bitch.

    And I can’t look at Ty-bor anymore without that photo of him drawerless popping into my head. Thanks so much for that.

    Wish I could wash my brain with bleach.

    Penis hair is an idiot and deserves to go home. Or at least be forced to wear a shirt that says “Funny, when I do this in MY restaurant, it always turns out great!”

  12. 12
    Miss Molly
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Heather – you are the Scut Farkus of Top Chef Texass. Sorry if you shallow enough that the truth hurts your feelings but I calls em as I sees em.

  13. 13
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 15, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    OK, I know that I take my chances when I click on a recap for a competitive show before I watch it, but mini-caps are always void of any spoilers from the recappers and it has seemed in the past that the same consideration has been given from commenter’s. J-Mo was just as silent as he always is in this regard in his recap.

    Unfortunately, The front page isn’t so forgiving. So seeing “Oh, and happy for Tylor that he won the quickfire.” pissed me off. I have TC selected to come on Sat afternoon for my own selfish reasons, I wanted to time it so I was folding laundry when it came on. But folks have to remember that some Gasmii, depending where on this earth they are reading this from, can’t pick and choose when they see it like I was able to. Some see it days later depending on the time zone and programming.

    Again, while I know that you take your chances when you click on a recap if you don’t want spoilers, maybe folks should consider putting spoiler info (especially on a minicap before the recapper has shared that info) further down in their post so that it doesn’t show up on the front page?

    Robin

  14. 14
    oodle_noodle
    Posted December 16, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    I could not believe it when Heather essentially said “Do this my way–you gotta compromise.” No, doing it your way is not a compromise, in anyway.

  15. 15
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 17, 2011 at 8:04 am

    As a card carrying bitch, I am insulted by the insinuation that we would allow someone like Heathers into our ranks. Someone like her would make us all look bad. She is obviously a cunt, not a bitch. Any further slander and you will hear from our solicitors: Weiner & Cox, attorneys at law.

  16. 16
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 17, 2011 at 8:06 am

    @Robinez, as someone who never gets to see a show on the day it airs because I live in Europe, I wholeheartedly agree that spoilers in mini-caps are a bummer. I specifically avoid recaps when I haven’t seen the episode yet, but minis are supposed to be ok. Fortunately, I am moving back to the states in a few months so it won’t be so much of an issue for me… but Itchy doesn’t like being spoiled either! :)

  17. 17
    amanda
    Posted December 17, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    To me it seems Heather may be prejudiced against Asians, or the editors may simply be trying to paint her as a racist. Did you see the face she made after Edward described his Quickfire dish? And the way she hates on Beverly for no damn reason…

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