Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, December 22, 2011 | 1:47 am | 36 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, MiniCaps, Recaps, Top Chef

Merry Almost-Christmas everybody! I hope you guys have gotten ahold of everything you need to make it a happy holiday (and hopefully you didn’t order it from Best Buy or have it shipped by FedEx). Me, I’m just glad to finally have a newly remodeled kitchen (my BF is still playing with his brand new refrigerator, it gives me a real sense of Christmas Spirit to hear him giggle like a child every time he gets ice from the automatic dispenser) and I start a new job right after Christmas, so everything is lovely in my world.

Last week’s episode? Not so lovely. Which is why I was very grateful that on this week’s episode of Top Chef Texas the Magical Elves kicked a little bit of an early Christmas Present our way in the form of my all-time favorite diva, Miss Patti LaBelle…

Patti Flame Signed By Patti Small
this is my favorite album of hers, and yes, that is a signed copy

But first, we have to tell the chefs… that they are moving to Austin! Woo hoo, hopefully they’ll get to move into slightly better digs than the Glorified Motel 6™. Maybe something a step up, like a TraveLodge? We’ll see. Of course, this means another stupid in-show commercial for Cloyota passed off as a “road trip”, but thankfully I had to pee real bad during that part of the episode so I missed most of it (hey, I just got done watching the Finale for Work Of Art and was riveted to my seat… and if you’ve ever watched a Podcast then you know about my big blue mug… and my propensity to overshare).

In any case, the next thing we come to is of course the QuickFire Challenge, which Daddy Tom actually showed up for. This time the chefs were required to cook based on twatty suggestions from Top Chef Twitter fans. Now, personally, I don’t have a Twitter account, mostly because I am way too much of a blabbermouth to ever fit my randomly useless thoughts or pathetically stupid ideas into 140 characters or less… and partially because some people seem to get into a lot of trouble with their inane twatting…

Ashton Kutcher Dumbass Joe Paterno Tweet Top Chef 0908 00
speaking of useless and stupid

Additionally, it would seem that if you raise the ire of the interwebz world, having a Twitter account becomes more like being on the receiving end of a game of Angry Anonymous Birds™…

Heather Terhune's Tweets Are Protected Top Chef 0908 04
that’s weird, Hag Heather’s account wasn’t “protected” at this time last week

So what was the innovative challenge that Top Chef Twooters came up with for our chefs? Make something with bacon…

Um, if I had a Twutwut account it would prolly look like this: #lame #stupid #recapperrage #peopleareidiots #weepforamerica #declineofcivilization #killingmyselfloudlywiththisshit

Yeah, the brilliant idea from some yahoo was for them to make a dish with bacon, but partway through the QuickFire there were other twists thrown in to try and jazz it up, but those were kinda lame, too. There is another $10,000.00 to be won, but still no immunity. Thank God, because some of these people need to start going home already…

After the QuickFire, the chefs are treated to a drink in the lounge, where Patti LaBelle comes out and sings (what else?) Lady Marmalade (or as I like to call it, “Lady MamaLard”). At first I got all excited thinking that the Elimination Challenge would be that the chefs were going to have to made a dish with actual marmalade (or better still, lard) but instead, it wound up being the sappy Who Inspired You To Learn How To Cook (And Hopefully They Are Dead So You Can Cry In Front Of The Judges) Challenge. On one hand, I hate this challenge for obvious reasons (and yes, there are tears, and you won’t believe why) but on the other hand, this meant that Bore-verly got to make more Aaaaasiaaaan foooooood (and nobody could say a goddamned word about it, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!). Plus, Miss Patti herself gets to judge…

Patti Labelle Tom Colicchio Crazy Eyes Small Top Chef 0908 02
and you gotta love a woman who can get Daddy Tom to make Crazy Eyes™

The end results are going to be quite interesting to say the least. Check back in a couple of days for the full recap, and while you’re waiting, feel free to visit last week’s recap featuring the incredible Hag Heather vs. Bore-verly Throw-Down. Also, just a friendly reminder, please do not post spoilers on the show in the comments, visit the forums instead (in fact, you could be the first to start a Top Chef Texas thread). THANKS, and Happy Holidaze, y’all!

love, J-Mo :)

P.S. To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

36 Comments

  1. 1
    mnkid
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 6:29 am

    Daddy Tom looks like Uncle Fester in that photo. Hee! Looking forward to the full re-cap! Merry Holiday, J-Mo!

  2. 2
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 7:12 am

    What a great episode!

    And because we can’t post spoilers, that is all I will say. :) But I CAN’T WAIT TO DISCUSS!!!! *covers her virtual mouth with her virtual hand to keep it all inside* Mhhnunmnnmrmrrmmmmmmrnnnr! Ever notice that when you mouth is closed, you mostly speak in M and N?

    Reminds me of one of my favorite movie quotes: “With a gun barrel between your teeth, you only speak in vowels.”

  3. 3
    2muchbravo
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 9:38 am

    All’s I’m gonna say is, “Ahahahahahahahahahaha! “

  4. 4
    myrnatyrna
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Yeeeaaaah, it’s a Merry Christmas. :-)

  5. 5
    lestermaddox
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 10:19 am

    There is only one small change I would have made to make this the best karma episode ever.

  6. 6
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 11:20 am

    I first thought of Daddy Tom as Jackie Coogan’s Uncle Fester a few weeks ago, but never in previous seasons. Maybe because he has pudged out a bit and is showing his age a little more.

  7. 7
    myrnatyrna
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Daddy Tom dropped a few well-placed zingers during judging…excellent.

  8. 8
    oodle_noodle
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 11:42 am

    One thing I forgot to mention last week was how gawdawful fugly Padma’s necklace. I could hardly focus at judges table I was so blinded by the fug. So when we had to see more of the necklace at the beginning of the episode, it was like a bad flashback.

    That necklace was more hideous than any ill-fitting blouse Gail has worn. That necklace would have been turned down most, if not all Project Runway designers (maybe not Hobosexi). That thing better not have cost more than $5. It looked like Pocahontas if she were in an S&M Hustler parody video and they wanted to make her wear a dog collar.

    I feel so much better now.

  9. 9
    zerocool
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 11:46 am

    What a great episode – can’t wait for the recap to discuss. Who knew a pressure cooker could be turned into a lethal weapon *with words* LOL.

  10. 10
    Wasabipeas wasabipeas
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 11:48 am

    I really liked this show better when it was about the food and not the people . . . the only reason I still watch is J-MO!!!!!

  11. 11
    Tom's pants
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    I really want to do bad things to Greyson and her lush lips!

  12. 12
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    @Tom’s pants, If you watch Survivor, then you know that means the Jezebel has GOT TO GO! I just don’t trust her now.

  13. 13
    themiki
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Oh damn, but I want to do sort of bad things to Greyson too… Clearly she’s a harlot because I find her attractive. Let’s go all Hunchback on her and demand she be turned over to us at once!

    Also, this episode made me do a happy dance TWICE during judging. Two happy dances. Boom.

  14. 14
    Bananas
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Okay I have to say I am loving judges table. One of the best ever I think! Tom’s comments were amazing!!

    My code is EZVD hahaha!

  15. 15
    shantigal
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    How cute did Miss Patti look in her sunshiney yellow suit with her hair all did? I loooooove her. And you too J-Mo.

    Did you get a new Monogram kitchen for being the best TC recapper?

  16. 16
    myrnatyrna
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    I want some of Ms. Patti’s friend chicken and mac & cheese with shrimp and lobster!!!That sounds delish.

    “I got bigfoot on my plate!” (LOL!!!)

  17. 17
    myrnatyrna
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    That’d be “fried chicken”…not “friend chicken”.

    Damn that autospell!!!

  18. 18
    Wasabipeas wasabipeas
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I dunno, I think “friend chicken” sounds kinda nice!

  19. 19
    Zbird
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    I haven’t stopped laughing since the show ended. Bwahahahahahahahahaha! And I agree with Lestermaddox…only one thing could have made this even sweeter. But it was pretty dang sweet nonetheless. Karma? She is a beeeetch.

  20. 20
    Mom2redheads
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    My son loves watching this show with me and we literally both danced around our house after judges’ table. Made my day and although pathetic, my life. YES!

  21. 21
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Y’all are about as subtle as a taser! LOL

  22. 22
    MrsMiaWallace
    Posted December 22, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    This concludes tvgasm’s Guide to Spoiling Without Actual Spoilers

  23. 23
    myrnatyrna
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    We didn’t say NUTHIN’!!!! We’re all doing what we’re told. :-)

  24. 24
    Zbird
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    LOL MrsWallace! We are a restrained bunch, are we not?

    But out of curiosity: Is there really a “no spoiler” in the minicap rule? I get not posting spoilers in the comments of the previous cap while patiently tapping one’s foot waiting for the new cap, but who on earth would read the minicap if they hadn’t watched the show yet? And if they do, and it spoils it for them, are we supposed to feel bad? Cuz I don’t, and maybe I need to work on my empathy skills. And really, what is the purpose of the minicap if we cannot TALK about what we’re all dying to talk about while we wait for the Big Boy Cap? I am clearly spending too much time thinking about this. So pathetic. :D

  25. 25
    sheesh
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    Mini spoilers for a minicap?

  26. 26
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Zbird, I think there is a policy about no spoilers in MiniCaps, but in my opinion, that should be done away with. If you read anything with “recap” in the description, then how can you really expect to be protected from spoilers? The only I can think of is, that by allowing spoilers, then maybe the comments will tend be used up before the big recap is posted.

  27. 27
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Hi guys, thanks for commenting… as far as spoilers go, I believe it’s kind of up to the recapper as to whether or not they want to divulge results in their minicap, and some do, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. My own policy has always been to stay mum in the minicap because I like to delve into results in detail in the full recap… and believe me, I definitely want to hear what everybody has to say about the results… but there are people who can’t or don’t see the show right away for various reasons (they live outside the U.S., somebody just stole their TV, they’re stuck in the hospital suffering from priapism, whatever) and I like to give everybody the payoff in the full recap, that’s just how I roll…

    Now, that being said, I never EVER want to discourage anyone from commenting on something on TVGasm, so if anyone feels they MUST say something about the results, well, no one can stop you, it’s a free internet, please just be forewarned that other people may not like it, and they may not be shy about saying so. I just hope it doesn’t spark a comment war that will propel the comment count on the minicaps to up over a hundred… and if it DOES for some terrible reason cause that, I hope some of you will be sure to lose all sense of grammar and punctuation and spelling and coherence, it will make it all a lot more fun for the rest of us, OK?

    love, J-Mo :)

    P.S. I am working on the full recap now, and will have it up as quick as I can… Happy Holidays, Gasmii! :)

  28. 28
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    P.P.S. @crankyguy, okay, your last sentence is kinda right on the money, LOL.

    love, J-Mo :)

  29. 29
    lindaw205
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Too bad none of the chefs moms troll the internet, huh? Well, there was that one guy (can’t remember his name) in Season 6 who lived in his parents basement. Kinda surprised his mom didn’t make a visit.

  30. 30
    sheesh
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    ok J-Mo. I’ll try, but my home computer is the worst when I try to post from here.

    Ok…

    Whatt id wronj with u guys! I bet the only thking you can cook is makaroney and cheez from a box. I happen no the contestannt and they could sircles around any of you! Why do ewe waist your time talking about other peeples. dont you have JOBS!!!!!!! i am shure you all fiel rilly kewl hiding out ana… ana… in secrit! Why don’t you all jist go flush yurself down a terliot, becus that is wear you belong!

  31. 31
    Lisco
    Posted December 23, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    We’ve agreed we aren’t subtle here right?? Good….yayayayayayay! **happy dances**. Can’t wait for your recap, J-Mo. You never disappoint!

  32. 32
    kczar
    Posted December 24, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Ty-Bore had a Japanese housekeeper growing up? He was on the Courtship of Eddie’s Father?

  33. 33
    TalldrinkofH2O
    Posted December 25, 2011 at 8:52 am

    @kczar,
    In the photo from his childhood, he and his dad were wearing matching blue blazers with the brass buttons, very Bill Bixby and Brandan Cruzish. I swear that they wore similar outfits in that show. Maybe it was a blueprint for Ty-Bore’s dad on how to raise a kid.

  34. 34
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted December 25, 2011 at 9:56 am

    @Sheesh – hahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

  35. 35
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 26, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Posting spoilers in the first few lines of a post should be done away with, too.

    “Don’t click on a recap if you don’t want a spoiler” is all well and good, what if the damn thing is on the front page because somebody has no self control and used a spoiler as an opening salvo? Should we not click on the front page too in case?? pfft.

    The minicap is a teaser from the recapper to get our juices flowing. It isn’t an invitation for a fucking free for all for folks to put the front page on blast and share spoilers.

    Also, I want to read what happened from J-MO. He is a trillion times funnier than any of you spoiler idiots. In the same vien, I think that people should take the lead from the recapper. If the minicap is void of spoilers, then the polite thing to do would be to follow suit.

  36. 36
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 26, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Yes, I do hate spoilers in the first line of a comment, all of which are posted on the front page. Sometimes, I am scrolling down the comments on the homepage and the first thing I see is “OMG, I can’t believe Ned Starks’ head fell off!” (Spoiler Alert.)

    I avoid recaps and minicaps when I haven’t viewed the episode yet. But one can’t avoid the front page. Sometimes, the minute I see a recap of a popular show is up on the top left, I stop scrolling downwards and avoid the Gasm for hours (as much as it pains me) because I don’t want to see accidently see spoilers on the homepage.

    I don’t believe this is always done on purpose but it does annoy me to see it. what can I say…I dig surprises!

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