Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, January 5, 2012 | 10:00 am | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Recaps, Top Chef

Well hello again, everybody, and welcome back to the show that aims to hammer the cliché “Everything’s Bigger In Texas” into your skull at any cost. Yes, Top Chef Texas returned tonight, and with a SUPER-SIZED EPISODE, which can mean only one thing…

Heather Terhune No Longer On Top Chef 0909 00
we’re all celebrating 74 minutes of hag-free TV

Yes, now poor Hag Heather has been relegated to the sad little web-only portion of this show, so we no longer have to watch her patented brand of bitchery oozing all over Bore-verly everyone. But you know what they say, if you cut off the head of the dragon…

Sarah Grueneberg Is The New Big Bad Bitch Small Top Chef 0909 01
a bitchier one will grow back in it’s place

Oh, and Groanybooger is gonna take on that role semi-admirably in this episode. At least for the parts that she actually appears in it. But first, we have a brand new QuickFire Challenge to put everyone through. And it starts with homework delivered to their door in the form of some $450.00 cook books… which are alllll about “modern” cuisine, up to and including the famed practice of gastroenterology molecular gastronomy… and you know what that means…

Chris Jones Boner Face Top Chef 0909 00
*BOIOIOIOIOIOIOINGGGGGG*

Yes, Penis-Hair’s wettest, wildest, wonkiest dreams have come true, because the guest judge is the nerdy guy who wrote these insanely expensive books on how to turn food into dust that you put in your mouth and then it turns back into food again. In fact, his boner is so huge I think he actually thwops himself in the chin and makes his cleft even deeper. Cue the clouds of liquid-nitrogen fumes. Penis-Hair goes all out for this one, he absolutely HAS to win this QuickFire, and he thinks he will ensure success by serving his dish with Pez. Also, someone gets carried away with a foam dispenser and winds up making…

Vanity Pretty Mess On Her Dress Top Chef 0909 02
such a pretty mess on Scar’s dress

Awk. Warrrrrrd. After everybody gets cleaned up (and wipes the toxic chemicals out of their mouths) it’s time for a good ol’ barbecue challenge, and for that the chefs have to visit…

Salt Lick Restaurant Top Chef 0909 03
LimpHawk and Penis-Hair’s palate

This is a very old Texas BBQ restaurant run by a fat guy with long flowing Willie-Nelson-esque locks, and he’s happy to show the chefs how real Texas BBQ is made (apparently it is done without hair-nets, so, ew). Then the chefs have to split up into three teams, and make three different BBQ proteins, plus two side dishes… and they have to pull another all-nighter to get it done. Once again, no one seems to think of working in shifts to let their team-mates get a few hours of sleep in, and as a result Bore-verly almost burns down an RV.

As we saw in the previews, Groanybooger is overcome with the heat and lands herself in the hospital, leaving her teammates Ninja Eddie and Ty-Böre to fend for themselves… but she somehow manages to show back up just in time to serve the judges some latex chicken and carry on with her Campaign Of Terror™…

Sarah Grueneberg Wants To Puke Top Chef 0909 05
say another word and I will puke in your cole-slaw

Other things we find out in this overlong episode? That Ninja-Eddie has a pretty bad temper (and a mad case of TMJ), and that Bore-verly was raised by the Tiger-Mom (you can play with other kids when they work for the company that you own, sweetie). Also, we discover that Ty-Böre is yet again the complete and utter authority on yet another kind of cuisine (is there nothing this gay-boy can’t do?… besides keep his clothes on, I mean?). We also find out that Chris Scary likes to paint dirty (and curiously androgynous) pictures, and that he still has as much personality as the gum-sculpture I made in fifth grade out of used Bubble-Yum… colorful but tasteless. Oh, and lastly, Penis-Hair tries to butch it up…

Chris Jones Eats Vegans Top Chef 0909 04
sadly, comment queen Candice probably thinks his shirt is talking about cunnilingus

We wind up with another debacle of a meal service where two-thirds of the food sucks, and Daddy Tom puts yet another chef back in their place with a whip-crack zinger of a comment. You’re gonna love it… and probably the ending, too. Come back in a couple of days for the full recap, and if you want to kill some time while you’re waiting, check out last week’s recap here. Although the comments are not blowing up like T&T, for some reason this particular recap is skyrocketing in the number of hits… which is making me wonder if Hag might be about to pay us a visit.

Bitch, please do, we’ve got nuthin’ but love for you here… as long as you can spell and not use ALL CAPS, ALL OF THE TIME.

love, J-Mo :)

J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Dr. Nathan Myhrvold is a billionaire polymath for which cooking is only one of many hobbies. He’s a little young, but still rich enough for Padma to try and get her meat hooks into him. Did you catch Penis-Hair saying that he (Penis-Hair, not Myhrvold) was probably the one to have done most of the techniques in that multi-volume tome first?

  2. 2
    LAC LAC
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 10:48 am

    I thought that Penis Hair was going to dry hump the dude during the quickfire. Looking forward to your recap, J-Mo!

  3. 3
    2muchbravo
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Some of the shite that happens in the quick fire was just too perfect. J-Mo was prolly thanking the recap gods. Not only is Eddie’s unhingeable jaw annoying to watch, he’s kind of a douche.

  4. 4
    themiki
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Pretty-boy’s paintings were so awful. Not like, “This isn’t my style and I don’t really get it” awful, but completely lacking in skills, vision, and basic use of colors awful. I was watching with my roommate and we were laughing at his art and yelling, “Pretty bubble! Chris lives in the pretty bubble!!!” And then we had to find re-runs of 30 Rocks on the internetz because someone on my couch didn’t know what the pretty bubble was.

  5. 5
    Bananas
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    I was just shocked that Gooyenburger is straight!

  6. 6
    Fan-Ann
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I had fun during the QuickFire by imagining how supremely pissed off and frustrated Marcel probably was to not be the featured expert on molecular gastronomy. Hey Turkeyhair, now we all know who the guy is that can actually do what you claim to do.

  7. 7
    dearcrabby
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Groanybooger had a case of the prickly heat? And she’s a chef? Jesus!

    Also…dust in your mouth that turns into food? Did they have to make pop rocks? Hope nobody drank any Coke with that! Or was that cookbook an ode to Padma’s former phellating?

    Can’t wait for the recap!

  8. 8
    MatisyahuSerious
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    oh she’s straight alright, and although gf is packing an extra 60 pounds or so these days, those flashback pictures of her were pretty potent masturbatory fodder, impo.

    in my pervy opinion.

  9. 9
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    @themiki – For real. That “artwork” makes the average tumblr fan art look like Aubrey Beardsley. And the pretty bubble…HA! You’d think you’d have to be prettier than Chris C. to rate one, though.

  10. 10
    Sue Sylvester
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Groanybooger also claims to have grown up in Texas and she can’t take the heat? She’s not quite Hag-level horrible but we could have this season’s version of Scallop Jamie. (what was her Gasm name? Turtle?

  11. 11
    mojojojojo
    Posted January 5, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    @cranky buy, totally caught that, was like, what’d you say penis head?
    @j-mo, am in total awe of your nicknames, you nailed her name, who would’ve thought, I’m still a tiny skeptical I mean a lot skeptical of her second “episode” can’t wait to read the full recap!!! You’re the best!

  12. 12
    Chef Pants
    Posted January 6, 2012 at 4:54 am

    @MatisyahuSerious – I thought the same thing. I have to admit Jobless Greyson’s personality is really attractive to me. It is like my wife’s just a little more bubblier. I noticed she was a little dolled up this week in her confesionals. I ws also disappointed that Jobless was wearing glasses at the end and we didn’t get a clear shot of her in them!

  13. 13
    smellymutts
    Posted January 6, 2012 at 7:51 am

    I was wondering the same thing about Groanybooger @Sue Sylvester. If she grew up in Texas wouldn’t she be more accustomed to the heat? Not saying she was faking, but hmmmmm…

    Also, I know Eddie has a fiancee or wife, but does he even like women? I guess just not in his kitchen ’cause there are a few cool chicks on the show.

  14. 14
    featherhead
    Posted January 6, 2012 at 9:45 am

    I thought Groanybooger and her finace looked like twins in that picture. Just me? Okay.

  15. 15
    MatisyahuSerious
    Posted January 6, 2012 at 11:12 am

    @Chef Pants – thanks for backing me up there, i had started to doubt myself over finding her attractive, and that’s nowhere i want to be. doubting others? it’s almost a profession, doubting myself? too introspective and icky, honestly. i am with you on greyson as well, until that frog song debacle from the last episode.

  16. 16
    zerocool
    Posted January 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Frog song debacle indeed!

  17. 17
    Chef Pants
    Posted January 6, 2012 at 8:26 pm

    Frong song is great. If you pause the DVR just right, there is some spank bank gold!

  18. 18
    thatdariamom1332
    Posted January 7, 2012 at 10:52 am

    Seriously, looking at Malibu Ken’s apartment and looking at his paintings…blech. And the one where it looked like someone was wiping their ass? WTF does that?!?

  19. 19
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted January 9, 2012 at 5:23 am

    First of all, J-Mo I found your caption about Candice and cunnilingus insulting. Ok… no I didn’t. It was frigging hysterical! I almost choked on my coffee! :D

    I’m going to weigh in (no pun intended) on Groanybooger’s heat thing. I grew up in Florida. I now live in England. The last time I went back to Florida, I had to get a frozen drink before I got my luggage. The heat hit me like a ton of bricks! Your body adapts to a different climate and it can take a while for it to readjust. Though I did think it was interesting (though maybe just editing) that she showed up just in time for the judges and then suddenly felt ill again when they were gone.

    And J-Mo, totally unrelated to this recap, but I thought you would find this cute. I love this kid so much! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eV_6rs6E40I&feature=share

    Thanks for a great mini! Can’t wait for the full recap!

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