Howdy, folks! My name is J-Mo and I bet y’all thought my role here at TVGasm.com was just to be some random bearded fat gay guy who talks a lot about penises and makes disgusting gestures next to Flipit in the Podgasms. And you would be partially correct, BUT, I am also actually a recapper here, and I am so happy to be back in the saddle again (even if it is a bit wider than the one I had last season) and ready to guide you through another sixteen weeks of Top Chef, in what promises to be the biggest… season… EVAHHHHHH! You wanna know why it’s so gosh-darn BIG? Because this time it all takes place in TEXAS! Which is where Flipit is originally from. Which reminds me, one of my favorite sayings that comes to mind when I think of the Lone Star State is “There’s only two things that come from Texas… steers & queers…”
and I don’t see no horns
And no, lavender, pumpkin and pink horns don’t count. Anyhow, tonight was the premiere of the NINTH season of what Padma Lakshmi calls “America’s most prestigious and toughest culinary competition”. Wow, looks like someone’s trying to one-up The Next Iron Chef over on Food Network, where they call their competition “The only title that matters“. And those jokers might have had a case… up until they destroyed their credibility by letting former Top Chef alumn-ass Spike Mendelsohn compete for it. Then again, the Bravo bozos have let that fuckwit compete for this title twice, so I guess I forgot what my point was.
In any case, tonight’s show was actually Part One of a “To Be Continued” sort of gig, because the Magical Elves have changed things up a bit. Instead of starting right out with a finalized cast, we now get to watch 84,362 chefs competing for just sixteen sleek, black (and obviously slenderizing) chef-coats! They’ve been divided up into three groups, and each group will be given a different one-hour challenge, along with a different set of judges. Returning, of course, is hostess and creepy-old-guy-fucker, Padma Lakshmi (who is affectionately nicknamed Scar) as well as Head Chef (and Unwilling Bear Porn Star™) Tom Colicchio…
who makes this face whenever someone reminds him that burly gay men across the nation fantasize about him on a weekly basis
I suspect he’s letting his soul patch grow out in an effort to be less sexy. As far as I’m concerned it’s working. Also returning to join Daddy Tom this season will be Gail Simmons (and her Closet Full O’ Fug™) and Hugh Acheson (a.k.a. Hughnibrow). Rounding out the Judges Table (literally) will be Emeril LaGassy…
Thanks, Em! Well, as I mentioned, tonight’s episode was just the first part, because we only got to see two-thirds of the chefs compete in Groups One and Two. Upon completion of their dishes, they had to present the food to a panel of three Judges, who would then vote to either Give Them A Chef-Coat, Send Their Ass Home… or Put Them In A Bubble Bath. That last one concerned me, especially when I got a good look at some of these people, but then I realized I mis-heard, they’ll actually be put “On The Bubble”, which means that they will have to cook in another competition. Hmmm. I guess just telling them they had to Cook In Another Competition wasn’t snazzy enough?
As for the cheftestants themselves, well, we are going to have us a generous helping of all the usual borderline personality traits we’ve come to know and laugh at love, including: arrogant dickbags, deluded egomaniacs, giant lesbianas, a slew of tattoos, mourning of dead relatives, chefs who want to prove they’re not too old to cook, chefs who want to prove they’re not too young to cook, ex-convicts, wacky facial hair, silly bandannas, horny straight guys, terrible out-of-date hairstyles, and making their debut…
unnecessary hyphens and umlauts
Yes, Ty-Böre, I rolled my eyes, too. BUT, before anyone accuses me of being too jaded and cynical, know that there was a moment during this episode that made me jump up and do a big ol’ happy-dance while screaming “YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH, MOTHAFUCKAAA!” Seriously, I have the pulled thigh-muscle to prove it, it was so awesome, it’s the kind of thing that we have all wished would happen in the first episode of our favorite reality shows, and most of the time they make you wait at least eight weeks. Or until the Finale. Check back in a few days for the full recap. And if you’re unfamiliar with my previous work here, please feel free to revisit my recaps of Top Chef: All-Stars while I work on the new one. See y’all soon!