MiniCap: Top Chef Texas

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, November 3, 2011 | 1:03 am | 30 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, MiniCaps, Recaps, Top Chef

Howdy, folks! My name is J-Mo and I bet y’all thought my role here at TVGasm.com was just to be some random bearded fat gay guy who talks a lot about penises and makes disgusting gestures next to Flipit in the Podgasms. And you would be partially correct, BUT, I am also actually a recapper here, and I am so happy to be back in the saddle again (even if it is a bit wider than the one I had last season) and ready to guide you through another sixteen weeks of Top Chef, in what promises to be the biggest… season… EVAHHHHHH! You wanna know why it’s so gosh-darn BIG? Because this time it all takes place in TEXAS! Which is where Flipit is originally from. Which reminds me, one of my favorite sayings that comes to mind when I think of the Lone Star State is “There’s only two things that come from Texas… steers & queers…”

Gay Guys In Texas Top Chef

and I don’t see no horns

And no, lavender, pumpkin and pink horns don’t count. Anyhow, tonight was the premiere of the NINTH season of what Padma Lakshmi calls “America’s most prestigious and toughest culinary competition”. Wow, looks like someone’s trying to one-up The Next Iron Chef over on Food Network, where they call their competition “The only title that matters“. And those jokers might have had a case… up until they destroyed their credibility by letting former Top Chef alumn-ass Spike Mendelsohn compete for it. Then again, the Bravo bozos have let that fuckwit compete for this title twice, so I guess I forgot what my point was.

In any case, tonight’s show was actually Part One of a “To Be Continued” sort of gig, because the Magical Elves have changed things up a bit. Instead of starting right out with a finalized cast, we now get to watch 84,362 chefs competing for just sixteen sleek, black (and obviously slenderizing) chef-coats! They’ve been divided up into three groups, and each group will be given a different one-hour challenge, along with a different set of judges. Returning, of course, is hostess and creepy-old-guy-fucker, Padma Lakshmi (who is affectionately nicknamed Scar) as well as Head Chef (and Unwilling Bear Porn Star™) Tom Colicchio…

Tom Colicchio Makes A Goofy Face Small

who makes this face whenever someone reminds him that burly gay men across the nation fantasize about him on a weekly basis

I suspect he’s letting his soul patch grow out in an effort to be less sexy. As far as I’m concerned it’s working. Also returning to join Daddy Tom this season will be Gail Simmons (and her Closet Full O’ Fug™) and Hugh Acheson (a.k.a. Hughnibrow). Rounding out the Judges Table (literally) will be Emeril LaGassy…

Emeril Lagasse Makes Burpy Face Small

URP

Thanks, Em! Well, as I mentioned, tonight’s episode was just the first part, because we only got to see two-thirds of the chefs compete in Groups One and Two. Upon completion of their dishes, they had to present the food to a panel of three Judges, who would then vote to either Give Them A Chef-Coat, Send Their Ass Home… or Put Them In A Bubble Bath. That last one concerned me, especially when I got a good look at some of these people, but then I realized I mis-heard, they’ll actually be put “On The Bubble”, which means that they will have to cook in another competition. Hmmm. I guess just telling them they had to Cook In Another Competition wasn’t snazzy enough?

As for the cheftestants themselves, well, we are going to have us a generous helping of all the usual borderline personality traits we’ve come to know and laugh at love, including: arrogant dickbags, deluded egomaniacs, giant lesbianas, a slew of tattoos, mourning of dead relatives, chefs who want to prove they’re not too old to cook, chefs who want to prove they’re not too young to cook, ex-convicts, wacky facial hair, silly bandannas, horny straight guys, terrible out-of-date hairstyles, and making their debut…

Ty-Lor Boring Eye Roll

unnecessary hyphens and umlauts

Yes, Ty-Böre, I rolled my eyes, too. BUT, before anyone accuses me of being too jaded and cynical, know that there was a moment during this episode that made me jump up and do a big ol’ happy-dance while screaming “YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH, MOTHAFUCKAAA!” Seriously, I have the pulled thigh-muscle to prove it, it was so awesome, it’s the kind of thing that we have all wished would happen in the first episode of our favorite reality shows, and most of the time they make you wait at least eight weeks. Or until the Finale. Check back in a few days for the full recap. And if you’re unfamiliar with my previous work here, please feel free to revisit my recaps of Top Chef: All-Stars while I work on the new one. See y’all soon!

love, J-Mo :)

J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

30 Comments

  1. 1
    reality
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 4:30 am

    Oh, love me the first tag!

    Welcome back J-Mo. I’m going with Texas ravioli for the win! I hope Michael Voltaggio Part 2 isn’t as arrogant.

  2. 2
    ohralphie
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 5:13 am

    Yes!! J-Mo is back!
    I was excited about the return of this show for many reasons but chief among them was being able to read your recaps again.

  3. 3
    Bioscotto
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 5:18 am

    Yay J-Mo! Yay Top Chef! Life is worth living again!

  4. 4
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 6:04 am

    The main problem with Texas is that Texans always have to TELL you they’re from Texas. Like a shot across your bow at a cocktail party. I’m from upstate NY, but no one gives a shit about THAT.

    So I guess TC is taking a page from Idol and dragging out the audition process to, in turn, drag out the season a bit longer. I think that might be a bad move, since adults watch TC, and get profoundly sick of the borderline personalities. I was looking around for some weaponized anthrax that I could mail to Hughnibrow by the middle of last season, so imagine my joy at having him as a judge now.

    I’m sure the Closet ‘o Fug ™–nice!–will continue to accentuate the worst parts of Gail’s form. It’s like her stylist fits the clothes on a Fridgidaire and just tosses ‘em to Gail 10 minutes before the show. Then Gail tears off the sleeves and runs with that shit.

  5. 5
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 6:06 am

    I read where someone noticed that, in previous years, the second person who spoke was the eventual winner, so I have made a mental note. But, since I am an unimaginative minion, I will probably forget before the end of the season. C’est la vie.

    Really looking forward to this season. Texas ravioli looked great, but other ravioli has a horse in this race, too, I think. Looks like lots of great chefs.

    PS – LOVED what I think you are talking about, J-Mo (No-Mo tenderloin-gate)! Bwahahaha!

  6. 6
    randomnicole
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 6:12 am

    Yay for J-Mo! Your recaps have entertained me while I’ve been watching old seasons – this is my first time watching Top Chef from the beginning of a season.

  7. 7
    mnkid
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 6:56 am

    J-Mo! J-Mo! J-Mo! Happy to be reading your recaps again! I’m looking forward to this season’s “Top Chef” seasonings and stews. If it’s bad we’ll all just go get sauced. (Enough with the cooking allusions already!)
    Also…”It’s like her stylist fits the clothes on a Fridgidaire and just tosses ‘em to Gail 10 minutes before the show. Then Gail tears off the sleeves and runs with that shit.”
    NotWithoutMyTV – Bwahahahaaa. Excellent!

  8. 8
    jsbfuzz
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Hooray for the return of J-Mo! I was hoping you would return along with the regular version of our beloved cooking show! Now this season will REALLY be special (besides taking place in my home state, yet never coming to the biggest city & my hometown of HOUSTON!!!)

  9. 9
    LAC LAC
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 7:51 am

    J-MO is back!!! WOOO-HOOO!! (starts happy dance and…THIGH MUSCLE! THIGH MUSCLE! CRAMP!!…sits back down) Good to have you back, sir!

    Ahh, the scent of potential chef ass-clown in the air…smells like bacon!

    And yes, I did note the presence of uber asshat Spike on the Next Iron Chef. Does he have pictures of Food Network honcho Bob Tuschman and a sheep in a hotel? Because that is only reason for him to have been anywhere near that competition.

  10. 10
    2muchbravo
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 7:57 am

    OMG I’m so glad to see TC back just because I get to read your recaps! However, I have be careful reading them at work as I often end up wheezing like Muttley when I try to stiffle my belly laughs. I probably would have pulled something too had I bothered to get my big arse off the couch when the incident you speak of occured. I have new found respect for Daddy Tom. Oh that was good!
    Did anyone happen to see Spikey get his ass handed to him to other night on Iron Chef?

  11. 11
    LAC LAC
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 8:07 am

    I watched the extended version of that incident – still laughing. Oh, Daddy Tom – my hat is off to you!

  12. 12
    LAC LAC
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Oh, 2muchbravo, I did! Always full of excuses and bravado, that one. Why is it that he and Isabella are in my DC? Dayum!!

  13. 13
    BamA
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 8:15 am

    I missed you J-Mo! SO glad that you’re back!

  14. 14
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 8:33 am

    I can “spoil” the first episode of Next Iron Chef here, can’t I? Spike was the very FIRST OFF!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! He actually referred to himself in one of his talking heads as one of the top celebrity chefs in the country.

  15. 15
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I didn’t read all the comments before I posted. I see now that 2muchbravo had already celebrated Spike’s hard fail. It really was an answered prayer since I was calling out to the fates since I learned he was gonna be on, “Please, please, please let him be thrown out first.”

  16. 16
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Sometimes I laugh so hard my tampon shoots out and slides under the cubicle wall and my co-worker has to decide to either return it or just pretend the whole thing never happened. AWKWARD!!

  17. 17
    dearcrabby
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 10:07 am

    YAY! J-Mo is back – can’t wait to see who schmears what on a plate this season…

  18. 18
    smellymutts
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Holy Shit NotWithoutMyTV, that was crass & HILARIOUS, love it!

    So glad this show is back on & that the even better recaps can help me get through work!!

  19. 19
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 10:25 am

    NMWTV You are on 11 this week. Just sayin’.

  20. 20
    sheesh
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Chunky and Chica!
    Nice to have you back J-Mo.

  21. 21
    lrhflute
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    J Mo….good lord it’s nice to have you back!! I have missed you!! I’m taking a Top Chef break (well, watching….too much other good shit on TV right now), but I will, without fail, read every word of your recap…it’s how I got sucked into the show in the first place (Beaker’s season)! So, WELCOME BACK!!! :)

  22. 22
    cupcake623
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    I;m halfway through the episode and I am tentatively excited! I notice right off the bat that the cast is more diverse than usual racially.ethnically and I am really impressed by the women this year, Looks good so far

  23. 23
    Detinha
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    YAY! J-Mo!! I won’t watch TC, but I’ll read your recaps, J!! Please post on Twitter when is ready?! Love ya!!

  24. 24
    lestermaddox
    Posted November 3, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    Does anyone else see something funky going on with the way the chef jackets are being handed out? Twenty-nine chefs in three groups (9, 10 & 10) battling for 16 spots. The first two groups cooked and 11 of the 19 chefs were cast with 5 of them going on the bubble. There are still 10 chefs who haven’t cooked, plus the 5 bubble chefs competing for the 5 remaining spots. So how much pre-judging went on to select the three groups? Seems a bit fishy because how can you know that the first dish you taste deserves to go when you have 28 more to taste that might be loads better.

    Ah well – I am just glad a new show is on and there is no more Richard Blais on my tv!

  25. 25
    Liz
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 7:25 am

    @lestermaddox – I noticed that too. I also noticed that Gail blogged about the first episode and said something about “all of a sudden there are 18 or however may chefs in front of you” so that made me think there will be 18 who make the first cut, especially if they’re trying to drag the season out.

  26. 26
    dazzyfresh
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    THE RETURN OF J-MO!!! Yes!

  27. 27
    zerocool
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Whoo hoo! Looking forward to this season & J-mo’s snark!

  28. 28
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    Hahaha, you guys are so sweet, thanks, I’m working on it now!

    love, J-Mo :)

  29. 29
    Lmnopie
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    J-Mo!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy, happy day. You were missed, Sir, delighted to have your snarky ass (fat or otherwise) back!

  30. 30
    Dawn
    Posted November 4, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    I have so been waiting for the return of regular Top Chef. Forget the Allstars, zzzzzzzzz on Just Desserts, THIS is the best one!

    Between this happy news and the return of J-Mo, it couldn’t be much more perfect. Only one other thing would make life pure heaven:

    Bring back Twunty McSlore to recap RHONJ next season. Pretty please?

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