Minicap: The Voice

The Voice

By TheNooch | Tuesday, March 20, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 5 Comments
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This week is the most exciting part of the Voice continues: The Battle Rounds. I haven’t been this excited since I found out there was an automated Teddy Ruxpin!

First Battle: Nathan & Pip.

My instincts say that anyone named Pip would get his ass kicked in a battle. By nature, all Pips are scrawny and in musical theater with a perm-wedgie.

Buuut, his opponent has the last name Parrot…

Pip is the winner and Christina Aguilera’s boobs could not be further from each other. I wonder if they’re having a lover’s quarrel.

Second Battle: Erin Martin & The Shields Brothers

Hmmmm, I wonder who will Cee-Lo will pick, the model or the two chubby grungy brothers? I bet he’ll let his penis decide.

I can tell you this much, Erin chaps my ass. After hearing how upset she was that someone didn’t think she was sexy, I just want to serve her a big ol’ punch in that whiny awkward voicetrap of hers.

Surprise, surprise, Cee-Lo picks Erin, the un-sexy one and Christina’s breasts drift father away from each other.

Third Battle: Ashley De Rosa & Jonathas

Ashley is a good person who does charity and Jonathas is doing it all for his family. That’s a tough one, which will create more sympathy from the judges, I mean audience, the judges don’t have any feelings left.

Ashley is victorious and Christina’s breasts have declared a formal separation. They are free to see other breasts until the divorce papers have been drafted.

Fourth Battle: AlyX & Jermaine Paul

Jermaine was the background singer for Alicia Keys until his daughter told him to go on The Voice and AlyX has no kids and an obnoxiously spelled name.

Jermaine’s daughter was right! He should definitely be on The Voice, although AlyX-no-kids sounds pretty awesome as well.  Not awesome enough: Jermaine wins!

Christina’s breasts are signing the final divorce papers while glaring at each other over her sternum.

Fifth Battle: Angel Taylor & Katrina Parker

Angel had a crazy childhood but Katrina is recovering from illness, who deserves this win more?

Katrina sounds like Adele. Everyone loves Adele. Therefore, everyone loves Katrina.

Katrina wins!

Christina’s left breast got the house and the right breast kept the Bentley in the divorce.

Sixth Battle: Gwen Sebastian & Erin Willet

Erin finds out her dad’s cancer has worsened but she can’t leave The Voice to be by her father’s side. What a great opportunity for Blake to show that he has real people feelings!

Gwen’s got nothing, except a name that is eerily close to Gwen Stefani’s. Not a coincidence.

Erin has a solid deep voice that wins over all the judges and Christina’s right breast became depressed after living in the Bentley for 6 weeks and attempted to commit suicide, but was thwarted by an implant.

Stay tuned for the full recap!

About

The nooch is 5 foot 3.  She hates sushi and once she watched a movie on Lifetime from start to finish without making a sarcastic comment.  Once.  That's all.

Listen to her talk on her podcast here: www.megaboomradio.com

5 Comments

  1. 1
    scottywrangler Scottywrangler
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    Christina’s breasticles are a spectacle! Last year they were all up in her face and this year they are, well, just puzzling. Even the bedazzled frisbee on her head could not detract from the hot mess on her chest. A camisole would do the girl good.

  2. 2
    leslilly
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Thanks for your mini-cap! I have to say that I think Cee-Lo is a crappy mentor. I like Cee-Lo’s music, but man…as a judge/mentor, he is too proud. In the blind auditions, the other 3 would try to convince the contestant to go w/them. Cee-Lo wouldn’t stoop that low. Anddd, in selecting the winners of the battle rounds, what is dear Cee-Lo smoking? I disagree w/most of his choices. I think he’s more concerned w/whose pants he might get into over who actually sang the best.

  3. 3
    leslilly
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    “can tell you this much, Erin chaps my ass. After hearing how upset she was that someone didn’t think she was sexy, I just want to serve her a big ol’ punch in that whiny awkward voicetrap of hers.”

    YES!! Erin chaps my ass too. She thinks she can charm anyone w/a schlong. I liked what Ne-yo said, “so, you’re cute. what else you got?” oh, she was also pouting & trying to act cutesy while negotiating for which parts of the song she would get. I enjoyed it when Cee-Lo shockingly shot her down.

    Lastly, her voice!? Screech-o-rama! I am trying to see what the judges see in it. I like different voices, but hers is too affected. She’s trying to hard to sound odd and she sings like she has Cee-Lo’s dick in her mouth. Ick.

  4. 4
    DejaJohnson
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    I’m very pleased Katrina, Jermaine and Erin went through.

  5. 5
    anony
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 6:01 pm

    I just watched this today and am SO glad you called ms. stuck up model out on her behavior! I thought the brothers did such a better job of the song! I couldnt understand most of the words erin sang and thought blake was blind for complimenting her on her outfit.

    I didn’t watch last season but is there any way she can still get out?

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