Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
First Battle: Nathan & Pip.
My instincts say that anyone named Pip would get his ass kicked in a battle. By nature, all Pips are scrawny and in musical theater with a perm-wedgie.
Buuut, his opponent has the last name Parrot…
Pip is the winner and Christina Aguilera’s boobs could not be further from each other. I wonder if they’re having a lover’s quarrel.
Second Battle: Erin Martin & The Shields Brothers
Hmmmm, I wonder who will Cee-Lo will pick, the model or the two chubby grungy brothers? I bet he’ll let his penis decide.
I can tell you this much, Erin chaps my ass. After hearing how upset she was that someone didn’t think she was sexy, I just want to serve her a big ol’ punch in that whiny awkward voicetrap of hers.
Surprise, surprise, Cee-Lo picks Erin, the un-sexy one and Christina’s breasts drift father away from each other.
Third Battle: Ashley De Rosa & Jonathas
Ashley is a good person who does charity and Jonathas is doing it all for his family. That’s a tough one, which will create more sympathy from the judges, I mean audience, the judges don’t have any feelings left.
Ashley is victorious and Christina’s breasts have declared a formal separation. They are free to see other breasts until the divorce papers have been drafted.
Fourth Battle: AlyX & Jermaine Paul
Jermaine was the background singer for Alicia Keys until his daughter told him to go on The Voice and AlyX has no kids and an obnoxiously spelled name.
Jermaine’s daughter was right! He should definitely be on The Voice, although AlyX-no-kids sounds pretty awesome as well. Not awesome enough: Jermaine wins!
Christina’s breasts are signing the final divorce papers while glaring at each other over her sternum.
Fifth Battle: Angel Taylor & Katrina Parker
Angel had a crazy childhood but Katrina is recovering from illness, who deserves this win more?
Katrina sounds like Adele. Everyone loves Adele. Therefore, everyone loves Katrina.
Christina’s left breast got the house and the right breast kept the Bentley in the divorce.
Sixth Battle: Gwen Sebastian & Erin Willet
Erin finds out her dad’s cancer has worsened but she can’t leave The Voice to be by her father’s side. What a great opportunity for Blake to show that he has real people feelings!
Gwen’s got nothing, except a name that is eerily close to Gwen Stefani’s. Not a coincidence.
Erin has a solid deep voice that wins over all the judges and Christina’s right breast became depressed after living in the Bentley for 6 weeks and attempted to commit suicide, but was thwarted by an implant.
Stay tuned for the full recap!