MiniCap: The X Factor

“Chile, I can’t even tell you about this episode!”

Were you surprised by last night’s results? Yeah, me neither. I think we all saw where this was headed last week: to what’s sure to be a long, boring finale next week. What can I say about what happened last night? All of these episodes are starting to blur together. We have the Nutcracker’s wooden introductions, followed by a hot mess of a performance, nonsensical words from the judges and a 25 minute elimination.

Last night’s performances were, “in no particular order:” a shaky, haunting ballad from Florence (The Machine was presumably there, too), Nicole whining about how haaaard it is to be pretty when men only date you because you’re hot, and quite possibly the worst group performance ever filmed. The final four’s version of “No Diggity” and “Shout” was a mashup of pure awfulness. It was a performance that everyone involved with should be embarrassed about, from the person who picked the song to the guy that changed the toilet paper before the show.

OK, spoiler alert, I’m giving all the results now. For reasons we’ll never know, Chris Rene made it through to the final. Unsurprisingly, Melanie Amaro did, too. It all came down to Marcus Canty and Josh Krajcik. And Josh was the one who made it through. Marcus winked and licked his lips and threatened us with his return.

So, who do you like for next week’s win? Did you like Simon’s impression of Nicole? And why do Paula’s eyes appear to be migrating to different corners of her head? Coming up in the full recap: my theory about this finale and why Chris Rene’s still around. See you then, lovelies!