MiniCap: The X Factor

My feelings about this show exactly.

Last night was the final round of The X Factor auditions, in which the contestants sang, danced, cried and begged for a shot at $5 million. It was also where the show’s producers made no attempt at continuity. All of the judges’ hair and outfits changed from scene to scene… but at least this time there wasn’t a mysteriously disappearing judge, so… good job! Hey, when you spend most of your money on the “recording contract” and branded tractor trailers, there’s not much left over for actual production value. Cheryl Cole, we barely knew ye.

The auditions moved to the east coast last night, and when you’re looking for talent on the east coast, there’s only one place you need to go: Jersey. Yes, yes, New Jersey has mobsters and stink and gorilla juiceheads and prostitution who-ahs. But it also has Jon Bon Jovi and Whitney Houston and Frank Sinatra and The Boss. So surely, in the midst of the foul, oozing sludge that covers the state, there will be a supahstah…one with the… X FACTOR.

Like last week, I’m going to do this here Minicap year book style with superaltives from last night. We can hit up all of the contestants in detail in the main recap. Here we go:

Most Likely to Succeed: 14-year-old Brian Bradley hit the stage first and won everyone over with his mini-hipster swag, rapping skills, and attitude toward Simon. A little too much attitude, if you ask me. Little kids should keep their mouths shut and their fedoras off when they’re around grown folk.

17-year-old Cari is the exact opposite of Brian in all but talent. Hot and blonde, she also killed Heart’s “Alone.”

Brennan is proof that life is not fair. Hot body, hot face, great hair, great voice. A model from Nashville, he was put through to boot camp after the judges finished mopping the saliva off their chins.

16-year-old Jazzlyn was the final contestant of the night. A big ball of nerves, she basically stood on the stage and drooled while Simon asked her questions and poked fun at her. Because what’s more fun than harassing teen girls, right? Jazzlyn got the last laugh, though, when she killed “I’m Going Down” with zero hesitation.

Best Weave: Aaron Surgeon looked like a boy Lisa Bonet and made it through to boot camp with Aerosmith’s “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.” I wanted his hat and his long plastic hair.

Worst Weave: Tora from Tuscon. Tora has either over-processed her natural hair or was wearing a wig made from cat hair. In the long run, however, it didn’t matter. She was incredible. And the judges loved her tattoos, colorful makeup and cat hair wig. People with that much stage presence and talent make me wonder if ringers are thrown in to keep things interesting and draw people in during the audition round. I would seriously pay to see her perform tonight. Here’s hoping a portion of her $5 mill goes to deep conditioning.

Most Likely to Have Gotten Lost on the Way to Mordor: 43-year-old Andy had left his hobbit hole in the Shire to seek money, a house sweet enough to be on MTV Cribs, and plenty of the poon. He thinks winning The X Factor will get him all three. Only problem: he ain’t winning The X Factor. However he did get to hug Paula Abdul and I’m going to guess that was life’s high point for him.

Made a Wrong Turn on the Way to Audition at Tatas & Tails: Clarissa Cheatam… goes by the name “Cashmere.” Paula thinks that’s purty.

Second Coming of the Biebz: Nick Dean. Blond. 14. Cute, but if you passed him on the street tomorrow you wouldn’t recognize him. Just like Justin Bieber. If you passed him on the street, you’d probably be like, “Excuse me ma’am, I think you dropped something.”

Worst Group Name: Tie between The Stereo Hogzz (Why two “Z’s”? Why any “Z’s”?) and AusEm (pronounced “Awesome,” that’s Austin and Emily smooshed together; file that under “things that sound cool when you’re 14”).

Now that auditions are over, bootcamp’s up next, where the number of acts will be narrowed down to 32.

Did you have any favorites from last night? How do you think Jersey compared to the rest of the cities? Are the judges jerks or not? They’re all over the place and I can’t tell… Check ya in the main recap!