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Well, sort of back to the crazy drama in this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Kids are rather normal, moms are a little high-strung and hand-wringing, then all hell breaks loose when once again, the judges seem to need Jitterbug Calculators since they cannot seem to add 10+10+10.
First up is Sienna, 4, who is a little spastic but no more than any sugared-up kid. Her mother is fixated on the fact they came in fourth place at a pageant about a year ago, and did you hear she came in fourth place about a year ago? Sienna visits the “back cracker” chiropractor, doesn’t really know her routine, came in fourth last year in a pageant, watches her mom too much and doesn’t make eye contact with the judges. Although pretty, she came in fourth in a pageant last year when she came in fourth in a pageant last year. Finally, she came in fourth in a pageant last year. Way to glass-half-full of fourth place it.
Next is Trinity, 5, who is doing her first glitz pageant. I love how the moms just assume they are going to sweep the ultimate grand in their first glitz pageant. Luckily, mom is adept at the ShamBrow™ and Trinity is a pretty girl. However, I think mom makes her nervous and Trinity shows it. She’s pretty uncomfortable and stiff during beauty, but luckily manages to relax with a really inappropriate Booty Pop during one category. No little girl should know how to do this or be encouraged by her mother to pop anything on her body. But at least she didn’t come in fourth place last year.
Finally we meet Kylie, 5, who has a solid ego but isn’t bitchy (yet). She’s been doing a lot of modeling and making more money at that than pageants (which begs the question, why continue with pageants?). She sees a hairdresser who cannot remember her name (no tip for you, one year!), has cool blinking lights on a robot costume, but has a catastrophic moment with her pretty feet. Save us, Jeebus, from coming in fourth place last year!
Well, seems like the egos and moms jinxed themselves somewhat when crowning arrives…one mom has a confrontation with another little girl about calling her daughter a “loser,” which, good one. The real crisis of the pageant is that the score sheets are missing the judges’ names and the scores don’t add up correctly and/or they are scratched out and replaced with different numbers. Sounds fixed, but I’m thinking that maybe the judges couldn’t write their own names if 10+10+10 equals 29.9. What the hell? Maxine and Betty never would have let that happen.
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