America’s Trashiest Home Videos

Miscellaneous TV

By B-Side | Wednesday, May 18, 2005 | 2:20 am | 59 Comments


snout deep_kevin

Excuse me one moment while I throw up. I just finished watching Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, and now I suddenly have the overwhelming compulsion to boot my stomach’s contents into the nearest toilet, wastebasket, or perhaps vase. It’s not because Brit and Kev are nauseatingly idiotic, but rather after an hour of swirling home video footage that makes the Blair Witch Project look like Kubrick, I’m feeling just a tad bit of the old motion sickness. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure if I was going to even recap this reality trainwreck, but after just one minute, I knew this show had to be torn apart… savagely.The episode began with the most unholy of images: an extreme close up of Britney and Kevin kissing. Yes, every acne scar on her face and ever pubic hair on his chin was in full, glorious view. Please let this image not be the standard for the hour.

kiss Next we heard the first of what would be many banal comments by Ms. Spears. “My ideal guy will be someone that hasn’t really seen that much.” You know, someone with a small mind, limited perspective. An idiot, if you will. Ah, but then Britney elaborated: “I’d like to see through him.” Well, luckily she found K-Fed, as transparent a guy as there ever was. Oh wait, she meant vicariously? Oh, well, then Kevin Federline is still a great choice. Now Britney can relive those magical moments: the first time she impregnated another woman, the first time she wore a do-rag, and the first time she finished almost all of the crossword in People Magazine. Yes, Kevin would be able to take her on a magical journey.

Moments later, our eyes were nearly blinded by an extreme close up of Kevin’s face as he muttered, “I care about you.” Aww. Ain’t he the sweetest? He possesses the basic emotional state of a relationship! Oh, and for those of you wondering: yes, we got to see them kissing up close and intimate yet again. Man, this was going to be such a romantic show.

After this obnoxious opening montage, we finally got to hear the big intro theme song, which apparently was sung by all backup singers. Wait, hold on, I think I hear a duck dying. Somebody save that bird! Oh, never mind. It was just Britney’s contributions to the vocal track. Moving on…

The next home video gem came courtesy of a little night-vision action. I reasonably became excited at the prospect of another sex tape scandal, but sadly, we were only privy to Britney making funny faces in the camera. Oh look, she’s making her nose look like a snout! Oh, and now she’s crossing her eyes! And now she’s sticking her jaw out! Oh, that’s good times. I remember when I used to do that… WHEN I WAS EIGHT.

We then cut to a still shot of Britney’s knees. “They look like boobs, but they’re not,” she said. Yes, that’s because they’re KNEES, you moron. Okay, to be fair, she accurately pointed out that they were in fact knees, and I really shouldn’t be so harsh on her searing commentary. It’s not fair really. It’s like making fun of a toddler for having bad grammar. (Taking a moment to reflect on how much more money Britney earns than me. Yeah, that hurts).

Anyway, Brit was in London for some concerts, and so she happily gave us a tour of her hotel suite. There’s the dining room. There’s the living room. And oh look, there’s a piano. The perfect accompaniment for a musician. Now, if only she could convince us that she’s a musician…

Okay, this has all been fun, but now let’s have a serious discourse about relationships, commitment, and life. Yes, Britney decided to hold a roundtable discussion with her stylist and a random repairman who just happened to be fixing her couch (mayhaps a wayward Cheeto disabled the sofa?). It was refreshing to see she surrounded herself with such intellectually stimulating peers. After some muffled, banal remarks, Brit then focused the camera on her frumpy assistant, Felicia, a woman who looked like the composite of every girl in my Hebrew school (with a Southern accent though). Needless to say, she had a schnozz. Anyway, Felicia was one of those giggly, “Why you asking ME this??” people, and thankfully she was off the TV relatively quickly. However, no Felicia means more Brit. And more Brit means more idiotic comments.

“My ideal guy I think for me will be somebody that’s… um… cool.” Wow, she has got to lower her standards. She’ll never find a guy with those picky requirements! Wait a second. People say that I’m cool. That means that I could be her husband! Call me, Brit!

Later, Britney and her crew headed to the UK version of TRL (same show, only instead of Carson Daly, they have fish and chips. It’s actually much more enjoyable). “I get real antsy in cars!” said Britney, adding, “I done get real nervous-like without my keg of Cheetos next to me. Yeah, that’s right. I got Cheetos on tap.”

Luckily, a D-12 song came on the radio, effectively distracting Brit from her eminent antsy breakdown. She immediately began singing along with Eminem as he crooned “These chicks don’t even know the name of my band.” Honestly, I’m not even being a Britney hater when I say her voice was atonal, nasal, and full-on awful. At first I thought she was trying to sound like Eminem, but no, she was really singing. How does this woman have a record contract?

OKAY EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING! It’s Felicia Cam! Literally. A little title came on the screen to verify this. Yes, our favorite bashful assistant was helming the camera now. Anything could happen! What would this young Jane Campion capture? Uh, nothing. Just the backs of Britney’s two lumbering bodyguards. Great job, Felicia!

After TRL and Felicia Cam™, Britney decided to pester her dancers with questions about commitment and marriage. Once again, we sat through a series of vacuous responses as pretty much all the dancers said they really weren’t into marriage. Oh really? A dancer who’s on the road most weeks of the year doesn’t like commitment? I never would have guessed!

Well, Britney bonded with one of her dancers as they both moaned about not having a companion. “We’ll both be Bitter Betties–” started the dancer. “Together!” said Britney, joining in. The two then giggled loudly. I could just imagine Britney guffawing, “Haha, you said ‘together’ too! That’s hysterical! We said it… together! HAHAAHAHAHA!!! That’s rich. Pass the Cheetos.”

boobies
We now pause for boobies.

Later, we found Britney huddled in the backseat of a car, explaining how Felicia just had to get laid. Seriously, there has to be a toucan around that would be into her.

After the car ride, the Brit posse arrived at Wembley Stadium for her big show. “You guys are gonna get to see my peeps in the hizzio!” Britney exclaimed. Oh and by the way, Snoop slang is now officially dead-izzle. As for the actual concert, Britney told us that “I’m not really nervous.” Yeah, the lip-synching can really take the edge off of performance anxiety.

We then moved to another day as Britney stood on her hotel balcony and looked out over London. “There are the paparazzi taking pictures of me down there!” she boasted as she zoomed in on the street below her. To our shock we saw… mothers pushing their children on swing sets. My god! They’re hiring children now! Have the paparazzi no shame! Oh, by the way, a few moments later, we saw that there actually were some photographers down there. Damn them. Documenting her every move for profit! Her life is personal! And I know that because I was watching her home videos on UPN. Shameful paparazzi.

Anyway, the whole experience caused our pop tart to muse philosophically. “People can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth.” Huh? That makes no sense. Literally. Not one iota of sense. “Can you handle my truth?” Britney then asked. Quite frankly, I can’t. Because your truth is retarded.

Hey look! It’s the Snapple Lady! Oh wait, it’s just Felicia. Yes, our shy assistant popped up on camera to introduce the day’s big question: what’s your favorite sex position? Pressing issues! Luckily, all of Britney’s entourage was too inarticulate to make any thoughtful or witty replies. Her bodyguard made the only attempt at a clever response by saying “in the bedroom,” but this befuddled Brit as she declared him “so sweet!” It really wasn’t that sweet. Honestly. JC Chasez, meanwhile, got sucked into this mess (no pun intended) as Britney hounded him with the question over and over again. He modestly shied away from the camera, saying that there were just too many positions that he loved. Fascinating. Eventually the whole segment ended on a blithely idiotic note as Britney found herself distracted by a mirror. “This is weird. We’re looking at ourselves in the mirror!” she said. Yeah, that tends to happen when you see your reflection. You should check out the window. It lets you see through walls! I know, crazy right?

felicia
Felicia moonlights as the stunt double for Wendy the Snapple Lady

Finally, after what felt like hours of this nonsense, Kevin Federline showed up looking like the dirtbag hobo that patrols my neighborhood. With greasy, unkempt hair and a patchy beard, K-Fed reminded us why we should never let pop stars date people in homeless shelters. Britney of course described her first encounter with Kevin quite romantically: “He was very, um, very mysterious. He just seemed not fazed by anything.” Mysterious? Not fazed? Okay, basically, he was passed out in a gutter when she tripped over him.

dirtbag
“I rubbed KFC in my hair this morning. It was pretty sweet.”

Well, as the story goes, Britney met Kevin at a club and then flew him out to London to be with her on the tour. It was during these magical days that we caught up with the couple in the second part of Chaotic. Brit tried to capture her beau on camera, but he flitted away, crying out “I’m camera shy!” Yes, as evidenced by all the photos he’s taken for Details, People Magazine, and any other publication willing to give him more than three seconds of attention.

Ah, but the best Federline philosophizing was yet to come. Britney asked him how he felt about marriage (she explained that this was some reverse psychology trick to make him think that she didn’t like him. I don’t really get it. She flew him across the world. Kind of hard to play that shit down). Anyway, regarding marriage, Kevin said in a torturously slow cadence: “I feel that love is love. Love has… love is a commitment. I don’t believe in marriage. I believe you can get married.” He then added, “Anyway, in case you haven’t realized, I’m a complete idiot.”

Then coming in like a breath of fresh air was Mo, one of Britney’s security guards. He informed us that he hated Kevin at first. He thought he was just along for the ride. Really? What gave you that impression? Kevin’s general poseur ways? The fact that he’s been steadily climbing the Hollywood social ladder ever since he left Fresno? Or maybe just the dollar signs in his eyes and that strange KA-CHING noise that follows him around?

Well, Britney was in love with K-Fed, although, she admitted that if she could marry anyone, it would be Brad Pitt (start the Aniston breakup rumors now). She then asked Kevin which celebrity he would marry if he had the chance. “None of y’all!” he answered, adding “I’m just kidding! I already impregnated an actress. I’m a complete star f–ker! Literally!” Okay, I made that last part up. Clearly Kevin was being serious when he said “None of y’all!” After all, he doesn’t believe in marriage. Love is love, DUH!

By the end of the hour, the courtship of Kevin suddenly intensified as Britney bragged that they had had sex three times in one day already. So much for that whole plan to make him think that you don’t like him. “I’ll give him my vagina, and then he’ll really know I don’t like him. Reverse psychology again!” Anyway, Britney told us all this on yet another edition of FeliciaCam™, which featured an annoying lopsided camera angle for about two minutes. At the end, Felicia giggled, “Please tell me it [the camera] got this!” Yes, it did, and it’s SIDEWAYS! You may have noticed when you were holding the camera in your hands SIDEWAYS!

As for the future Mr. Spears, he had made himself quite at home in Britney’s posse, not even caring that he was holding up the whole crew as he got into his clothing. Britney bugged him over and over to hurry up, but she just didn’t get it. It takes a while to get into an extra-long white t-shirt. Respect that.

Honestly, by about forty-five minutes into the program, my voyeuristic impulses had given way to general boredom and malaise. Not even Britney’s moronic “interpretation” of a painting could save this hour. I know I’ll be watching every week, if only to provide commentary, but man, these two make Nick and Jessica seem like Pierre and Marie Curie. Their life isn’t so much “Chaotic” as it is simply “Dumb.”

symbolic
The most symbolic image of the entire show.

About

59 Comments

  1. 1
    Amanda
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 3:37 am

    I admire your fortitude, I felt the bile rising after the “my knees look like boobs” comment and had to turn it off.

  2. 2
    Kate
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 5:00 am

    Boy, I wish there was an hour long TV show where the basic plot line is the fact that Britney has sex about once an hour……oh wait, they seem to have already done that! I really have no idea why I sat through the whole thing, but I think I was just waiting to see if either of them would mention the fact that Kevin’s a dirtbag. I enjoyed Brit’s comments on how she met him and he seemed like a “great guy”….I was waiting for her to say “and then I found out that he has a kid and another on the way!”

  3. 3
    youcantmakeitup
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 5:02 am

    I actually watched the whole hour too! It had to be one of the worst show I’ve EVER seen. Sickening, really. And her concert footage gave me nightmares last night!

  4. 4
    Will
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 5:26 am

    I got sick from watching this show. My dad’s homevideo footage was better than this and it was pretty bad. These two act like 12 year olds. She has destroyed her career with this. They compared her to Madonna, what a joke. I feel bad for her. To have traveled the world and experienced so much (her words) and still be a complete idiot, thats sad.

  5. 5
    Rick D.
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 5:41 am

    Brit’s family has to be so proud of her. I mean she started out her career saying how wholesome she was and all that and now she’d flying some dirtbag on her tour and having sex with him and boasting about it on T.V. I know if I were her family I’d just be so proud of her. I mean she is just so ladylike, and not immature at all. And it took you this long to figure out that she couldn’t actually sing? Let’s just put it this way, if she had tried out for American Idol she wouldn’t have even made the first cut. It’s amazing what they can do in the sound booth these days. And now that she’s admittedly let herself go, she has absolutely no appeal.

    Rick D.

  6. 6
    VOO
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 5:56 am

    I am AMAZED you could even watch. You are my hero. the mere thought of this show makes me sick. They were on Ellen yestarday and looked so miserable. he couldn’t even string a sentence together. My my my how far she has fallen. What a loser. Losers. And that poor baby. Justin Save Her!!!!! I feel the need for an intervention

  7. 7
    Nixah
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 6:26 am

    Wow, my assumptions that Britney is a complete jackass were confirmed whilst watching that show last night.

    Eventhough I was repulsed by the display of stupidity by the Feder-fucks, I was yet compelled to keep watching.

    In the end, all that I got from that hour besides a headache from her saying, “COOL!” so much was the realization that those bastards achieved their goal.. publicity.

  8. 8
    HicksPub
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 6:39 am

    C’mon people, lighten up.

    They’re young. They’re in love. They’re doing a Colt-45 anal-chug on the gas station’s men’s room floor…

  9. 9
    Retroqueen
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 6:52 am

    As much as I love your recaps B-side that was the most painful to read (thankfully I didn’t actually watch the show)

    Federline needs to be arrested NOW for being a pedophile, Britney has the mental age of a 5 year old

  10. 10
    Bootsy
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 7:12 am

    Love your recap, as always. I can’t believe they even showed that on TV. Britney has made a complete ass of herself. And, who brags about meeting someone, flying them to London to go on tour with you after knowing them for a few days. They were pretty much strangers to each other still! She has definitely sunk to a new low.

  11. 11
    SaveFerris
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 7:30 am

    Britney makes Paris Hilton look classy by comparison. Remember the good old days when Christina was the trashy one?

  12. 12
    victoria
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 7:41 am

    I am undoubtedly dumber after having watched that for an hour. Proof is that I laughed out loud at the word ‘boobies’in the recap.

    To think last week at that time I was watching The Amazing Race. How low I’ve sunk, and so quickly!

  13. 13
    Leah3t
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:10 am

    My friend and I couldnt’ even get through the “Up Next on UPN showing scenes from the show”. Then we opened up the menu to look for something else to watch, and couldn’t even bear to watch the theme song going on in the upper right hand corner. we had to go to a new show before we could search for what we actually wanted to watch.

    for a nick and jessica lover, this is just total trash.

  14. 14
    couchpotato
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:14 am

    The show was like a train wreck… you couldn’t take your eyes off of something so horrible. I on the other hand couldn’t take it anymore. She’s so annoying. The title of this article is so true.

  15. 15
    Ashes
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:17 am

    Why would Britney’s people let her put this on the air? I guess they figure she has fans who will follow her and love her no matter what level of stupidity she publicly displays, which must be true, because she makes albums without displaying any musical ability, she married Federline, she dresses in “hillbilly skank with a Kaballah string” couture, and she still has fans. Go figure.

  16. 16
    jaded
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:20 am

    I have this saved on my Tivo but now that I’ve read your recap, I think I might as well erase it…

  17. 17
    Catie
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:39 am

    Yesterday there was a poll on tvguide.com:

    Which celebrity couple’s tv show are you most excited about?

    Nick & Jessica
    Britney & Kevin
    Rob & Amber
    None of them. I don’t like any of them.

    57% went with none of them. Bwahaha!

    Thank god you were willing to sit through the horror and recap that, B-Side. I cannot watch, but I am both delighted and horrified to read about it.

  18. 18
    Kirby
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:45 am

    Ashes, I felt the same way. Could anyone – family, friends, frumpy felicia – think this would be good for her? I mean they got to see it before it aired, right? This wasn’t some UPN blindside attack on the couple.

    Rest assured, Jessica Simpson, in the end you won. And your man’s hotter.

  19. 19
    jash
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:52 am

    wow, i could not watch more than 30 minutes. i was psyched when it reached the 30min mark and it was over until i realised it was AN HOUR LONG.

    i seriously believe she is attempting to make this her “truth or dare” but clearly she is a fucking idiot and i dont see how anyone could possibly respect her at all after this!

  20. 20
    madeyoulaugh
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:07 am

    B-side,

    Had your freeze frame you chose for the close up kiss been about 3 frames earlier, her chin could have doubled as a breast.

    MYL

  21. 21
    khaled
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:09 am

    Here is Bill Maher talking (taken from dailykos.com) ’bout the Army missing its recruiting goal and people who favored the war in Iraq:

    We have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. Because Britney once said, “We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens.” Okay, somebody has to die for that. Or at least go. … And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline’s face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie.

  22. 22
    Ashes
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:14 am

    Catie, interestingly enough, although “none of them” clearly won that poll, Britney and Kevin had the lowest number of people willing to admit (even in an anonymous internet poll) to be interested in them. Rob and Amber won (among the couples) and Nick and Jessica were second.

  23. 23
    voo
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:30 am

    Jash: you are so right about the “truth or dare” she so thinks she is madonna. are we supposed to equate k freeloader with sean penn. i think not. get over it Brit you are a loser!!!

  24. 24
    Catie
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:39 am

    Ashes, I’m so glad you remembered the order the couples came in. All I could remember was that most people didn’t care!

  25. 25
    CaliGirlinGA
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:46 am

    Thanks so much B-Side for confirming that my not watching this was the right thing to do. You are my hero.

  26. 26
    DrDave
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:49 am

    OK, yeah the whole thing was a dribble of bile pouring out my TV set. I did find one thing interesting other than her milk jugs, though. This is a great example as to the power of money.

    Here’s Britney out on tour and horny. She hasn’t been laid in what she would term a “lifetime” but probably only 2 or 3 weeks. (Wait till she gets married!) She remembers this guy that she met once who she thought was kinda hot. She calls him up and say’s “get on a plane, you’re coming on tour with me.” Of course, any guy with any testosterone in his body would jump at the chance to bang Britney — so off he goes.

    He’s in London for an hour and wants to leave. He doesn’t, though, because she talks him into staying. I’m sure it was really difficult for him to make that decision. Shacking up with a pornographically rich, gorgeous, air-headed horny blonde in a luxury suite staying at, what I’m sure was, one of London’s finest hotels. Yes, I’m sure that was a difficult decision.

    Of course, once he samples the Horny…oops…I mean Holy Grail of Britney Womanhood he’s sucked in like blood to a leech.

    Yes, fellow TV bile absorbers, Kevin Spears is the most pussy-whipped man in America — maybe even the world. In addition, by making a mistake and not wearing a condom, he will wear the crown for a minimum of 18 years as he deals with her during child custody hearings.

    He should learn all the words to “I’m a Slave 4 U”

    Sucker.

  27. 27
    mariana
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:49 am

    so this is it..the end of television. wow, it was great while it lasted.. when trailer trash gets it’s own time slot, you know we’ve got a problem..it’s almost like they’re laughing at me through the tv.. ‘ha ha suckers!! i can’t sing! give me your money!! hahaha..’ fucking hilarious.

  28. 28
    spotdog
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:56 am

    My favorite part was when Fed said “I don’t believe in marriage,” and Brit came right back with “I don’t believe in marriage either.” You could actually hear her get turned on. I half expected her to come back with, “You know, we should get married. Because, like, we BOTH don’t bellieve in it.”

  29. 29
    hanna
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 9:59 am

    my favorite part was when they were “a little tipsy”/”no, SHE’s a little tipsy”/”hee hee” in the hotel room, watching TV and smoking. they had the night vision on the camera, so clearly they’re a little drunk at night, that’s appropriate, no big deal. until the camera swings by the window all shaky and out of control, and we see the tell-tale signs of BROAD DAYLIGHT seeping in around the closed curtains. classy. 100% classy. justin must be feeling so justified.

  30. 30
    Genevieve
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 10:01 am

    I totally forgot this was on last night. I love watching people make fools of themselves :(

    And I will never watch any Ramber show ever! I use to love Boston accents, Rob has ruined that for me. DAMN HIM!

  31. 31
    joslyn
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 10:03 am

    I think I just have had my TVgasm for the week. Thank you, B-Side for once again causing me to have to resort to the secret snort-laugh in my office. I hate myself for watching this last night. But I couldn’t turn away. I feel sorry for how clueless this girl is and for the boneheads that she is surrounded by that only make her more and more dumb.

  32. 32
    LauriL
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 10:16 am

    I switched over twice during commercials for Sex & the City on TBS and was also nauseated by what I saw over the course of just a few minutes. Those two are the biggest pair of idiotic pieces of white trash I’ve ever seen. It was truly painful to watch.
    When Kevin arrived in London, I was pained to think about his unknowing pregnant girlfriend back in CA. What a complete lowlife he is.
    And WOW, when she was TRYING to sing Eminem in the car, I was amazed at how truly awful her voice is.

  33. 33
    Amanda
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 10:19 am

    Bill Maher’s on to something.
    Lets send Brit & Kevin over to Iraq!!!
    They’re lowering the national IQ, it’s not right!
    And while we’re at it, can we send Paris Hilton & Tara Reid too?
    Pretty please??!!

  34. 34
    smithie
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 10:48 am

    I just don’t get it. Maybe she thinks it’s okay to talk about what a slut she was because she married him…I didn’t watch it for fear that I would be paralyzed by their stupidity. I wonder what kind of ratings it got?

  35. 35
    strawberryboocake
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 11:16 am

    Dr. Dave you are so right!!!!!

    I was horrified at this show. It just proves that behind every rock star there are 100 people that MAKE them. Someone has to be dumping money into this girl. Within the first 5 minutes I saw how desperately sad her life is. She has friends that are people that work for her. Does she have no life? Yes, I know touring is hard and you do get lonely, but it pays to have friends or to at least go out and meet people. What about family? Doesn’t she have a cousin or something she could hire do work for her and watch over her? If she was a real celebrity she would have been out doing more press, doing more publicity work, interviews, etc. But no, instead of her reciting pre-rehearsed phrases regarding the toxic hotel tour and her album we get to see her SMOKING DRINKING and braging about having sex. Smoking is not good for singers. Drinking is not good for singers. Having sex with a man who is still married is not good for anybody. Such a good role model. What a nice girl. I wish all the pre-teens in america watched that show. NOT! 700 club where are you when I need you!!!

    Well anyway, if you notice during the boobies interviews that they kept telling her to say “I needed companionship” as if thats nice PR speak for “I’m horny, bored and need someone as vapid as I am to amuse myself with.”

    Notice how she subtly dissed eninem on his mother issues and his baby mommas issues during the drinking scene. Better be humble dear, because you are probably going down the same path.

    Britney is pregnant. That doesn’t mean she can’t do press. She NEEDS TO GET HER boobie bobble headed self out there are do some damage control. Seriously, do some damge control. Doesn’t she have people that can stop her from herself? Isn’t that what they pay for? Everyone knew in the publishing world that britney wasn’t a genius but a nice polite girl with stage parents and a staff that guarded her like a pot of gold. Well the pot of gold has become a pit of recycled aluminum cans. Instead of this show, she should have done more press. Even sunk as low to have been on those stupid shows like extra showing us her baby room and stuff. She could have worked on Kevins Career. She could have done more damage control for him. Every great man has a woman behind him and she could do alot for him publicity wise. I know there isn’t much to work with considering he is going for a cross between house of pain and jesus. I know the angry urban white boy thing can only go so far. Eminem is a genius he says. So I see his inspiration. Trent Reznor said it best, “star f*ckers incorporated” Oh wait thats rose mcgowen he was talking about–a person who actually works regulary for a living. Not our dear friend Kevfed a genuine toadie. He has a strong affinity for things on the UPN considering he was with a girl on moesha before and the UPN loves that show. At least she gets royalties from re-runs. This show will never be run again–thank god.

    I do not think she graduated from highschool. I do not think she has much of a life. A sad girl indeed. Just pathetic all around. She needs to work harder and do more to sustain and make her career in the media circles. She needed this show to keep her in the public eye since she hasn’t done anything in a while, but not this kind of viewing. The mystery of who Britney really is gone. She’s an eighth grade girl.

    I am sure her parents are thrilled. Future stage parents need to take note…this is what your daughter will turn into. I should have known that her real life would be as dumb as that Crossroads movie that her and her mom put out.

    KevFed is a bad dad. They haven’t done any damage control in the press on him. He was on britneys video shoot the day that his soon to be ex wife gave birth. He was seven hours late from the delivery. Nothing like boinking a pregnant womans husband on TV for all the world to see. I am sure his kids when they grow up will be mortified that dad was such a dork. Speaking of that, Kevfed will look horrible when he gets older. He already looks prematurely aged.

  36. 36
    wendy
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 11:16 am

    i always kinda liked britney…she was charming, had catchy pop songs. Just an all american girl type figure. I felt bad for her cause its just so obvious that she is just in love with the idea of love and will settle for anything (obviously). After watching that, I don’t feel bad for her (haven’t for awhile). How stupid can one person get. I am surprise her handlers didn’t try to pay off Kevin in the beginning since I am sure that’s all he is after. I guess you can take the girl out of white trash land, but can’t take the white trash out of the girl!

  37. 37
    strawberryboocake
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 11:21 am

    I also feel sorry for the editors that had to clip together this hodge podge of a show.

  38. 38
    B-dub
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 11:25 am

    Why does she show up for the sound check since everything is lip synched?

  39. 39
    British
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 11:53 am

    I can’t believe I actually sat through that pile of garbage known as Chaotic.

    The candid cam does not work well. Why? It gives the audience motion sickness. HEAVY motion sickness, not unlike the game “Descent”.

    Second, Kevin looks and acts irritable 99% of the time. And HE got Britney Spears huh? I don’t get it either. At least Justin Timberlake could dress himself and was funny on SNL.

    I hope 10 years Kevin & Britney are washed up, and Justin(not that I care about him) is doing something meaningful with his life(like hosting a documentary on jazz on cable, etc).

  40. 40
    Beth
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 12:22 pm

    Justin Timberlake has talent. Watch him perform sometime, no backup, just him and a piano, it’s pretty awsome. I’m shocked that he dated this girl for so long. She had some catchy fun songs, I liked her. I never knew she was such a fool. I think she actually does think of this as a truth or dare type thing. I can’t imagine any of her friends or agents or whoever the hell looks out for her would tell her to do this. Can you imagine her Mom watching this. She has destroyed her career. She’s a joke. Before this show people made jokes about her, but it wasnt backed up with solid proof. This show is the proof that she’s a complete idiot. She’s like hey, look at this, this is my truth…I have the mental power of a 13 year old girl. And I used to think she was pretty, but damn her skin looked horrible. It was all an illusion, this show proves it. It’s like that Jackson Documentary that showed the truth about him, only he fought that release. The fact that she created this, filmed it, edited it, produced it, the whole deal, well that makes it all even worst.

  41. 41
    jash
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 1:32 pm

    look, just because press says you are somewhat reminiscent of madonna does not give one carte blanche to poorly attempt to emulate madonna.

  42. 42
    Katrina
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 2:00 pm

    I too felt that I was going to throw up watching it, from the motion and Britney and Kfed.

    She is such a loser. I loved how she was talking about how she doesnt believe in marriage, when every interview shes ever done before had her saying “I believe in marriage ,and I want to have a husband and kids someday”.

    After watching this, I am positive she has either suffered a brain injury or she is on really heavy drugs. No normal person acts like that.

  43. 43
    kim
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 2:01 pm

    she was totally tripping on shrooms or something at the beginning of the show when they showed her in the nightvision making retarded faces.

  44. 44
    Lisa
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 2:08 pm

    My favorite : As Brit walks out on her hotel room balcony to show us the paparazzi ouside, her ADD kicks in and she turns the camera rapidly to her dressing table and exclaims, “I got pretty GLITTER over there!”

  45. 45
    joslyn
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 2:46 pm

    Wait, wait, here’s the absolute best quote. It went something like “I just took my extensions out and it’s like I have no hair underneath now! Tee-ee!”
    Yeah, that’s nice, Britney, really attractive, thanks for sharing. I make fun of her, but I really do pity her at the same time. The only ones there who seemed like they kind of cared about her were her bodyguards. So sad.

  46. 46
    Shane O Mac
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 3:15 pm

    Here’s some truth for you Britney… You’re a terrible lip syncer, a mediocre dancer, and an obnoxious attention whore. I could only handle watching this “show” in thirty second doses. Whatever genius over at the UPN greenlit this turd, needs to have his ass removed.
    I honestly did’nt think it was possible to have a lamer show than “The Simple Life” but I stand extremely corrected. I think you nailed it with Federlines’ Kentucky Fried Hair Gel, that guy is as greasy as they come. I bet thats why Brit’s complexion is so awful. But I gotta say her giant mommy milk makers did look pretty “swell”. Sorry you had to sit through all of that B-side, it kinda makes you wish there were more Rosie O’Retard movies doesn’t it? At least she has an excuse for acting like a dumb shit.

  47. 47
    Johnny
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 3:39 pm

    I’m getting this shirt.

    http://savemarykate.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=35

  48. 48
    tuliplover
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 5:39 pm

    There’s really only one way you can sanely watch Britney on television… that’s with the television unplugged. It worked for me.

  49. 49
    Katrina
    Posted May 18, 2005 at 8:47 pm

    I just read that her ex-manager (whom she fired) said that if he were still in charge of her he would have never let her put this show on TV b/c this will be the end of her. I hope hes right.

  50. 50
    Deborah
    Posted May 19, 2005 at 4:07 am

    Well unfortunately I also tuned into this hour long pile of over-hyped ratings shit, and like the rest of you, am far the worse for it. You know a program is breeching new levels of worthlesness when you are mentally restraining yourself from switching channels within the first 30 seconds.

    Some observations:

    1. Britney has officially let herself go. Go where? My guess is the fast track to Obesityville USA. Population: HER ASS.

    2. Kevin is apparently very proud of his masculine prowess, as evidenced by his incorporating Britney’s vulgar sexual indecretions into approximately 10 minutes (give or take) of the show. This is fascinating, especially when you consider that judging by his abnormally rat like facial features, and slow response time, his sperm motility is no doubt clumsier than his whore of a wife’s latest career move.

    3. Britney and Kevin no longer do any of the following: Laundry. Clean. Bathe. Brush their hair. And/or Clean their genitals.

    Good news though. What they will continue doing far into the fucking future, regardless of health problems or hygeine related diseases: Eat buttery southern style turds and have an endless amount of fat greasy unprotected sex.

    god help us all.

  51. 51
    Catie
    Posted May 19, 2005 at 5:03 am

    HAHAHA I just read that Chaotic rated dead last for its timeslot and for something else. Thank god, she must be stopped.

  52. 52
    British
    Posted May 19, 2005 at 6:04 am

    Now the question is, where’s our apprentice update, or are we getting it after tomorrow due to the finale?

  53. 53
    backupdancer
    Posted May 19, 2005 at 11:08 am

    i don’t even know what channel upn is.
    sad. i used to love britney.

  54. 54
    Cairo
    Posted May 19, 2005 at 1:27 pm

    I just want to say that this show was completely idiotic. I cant believe UPN would want to sink so low as to promote Britney Spears love story with a loser who is totally robbing her of her money. If she thinks this show would enhance her career, she is awefully mistaken.I feel so embarrassed for her because everyone knows the purpose of Kevin marring her and also she is constantly contradicting herself in these videos. If you UPN wanted to increase their viewers, this “reality series” that is really focusing on Britney’s crew and not on her, was a horrible idea. GOOD CHOICE UPN. (sarcasm)

  55. 55
    Kelley
    Posted May 19, 2005 at 1:33 pm

    Random suggestion: When my co-worker leaves her desk, I typically will change the wallpaper on her desktop to whatever filty pic of the reality whore of the day is. The above picture of a rat-faced, stoned, retarded-looking Federline is probably the best yet. Actually- Constantine was probably the most offensive…

  56. 56
    Amber
    Posted May 20, 2005 at 4:42 am

    This girl makes Anna Nicole Smith look like a Mensa member

  57. 57
    RemyC
    Posted May 20, 2005 at 8:31 am

    This is all so cruel…
    Don’t you guys have anything else better to do?
    She’s decompressing.
    It’s self loathing,
    self deprecating,
    auto-therapy.
    The kinda stuff you used to do in private…
    But Frank Zappa started when he had his picture taken on the toilet.
    It’s what America wants!
    It’s our right to suck!
    We’re Imperial Rome.

  58. 58
    Rick D.
    Posted May 23, 2005 at 6:31 am

    Of course I have better things to do, but ripping to shreds this couple that wants to hold dearly on to their last second of their 15 minutes is soooo much more fun.

    Rick D.

  59. 59
    rdp
    Posted June 2, 2005 at 7:22 am

    I know everyone wants to jump in and give Justin props but give me a break you guys! Didn’t you see him in the Barb Walters interview? He’s just as immature as Brit. All he could say about the great TALENTS he was collab with was “yeah dude, she like HOT.” They belonged together.

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