Alot of TVgasm readers have begged for a recap of the double Trading Spouses episode that aired over the last couple weeks. I did happen to see most of each episode, but it was one of those momentous television events that stood on its own. Plus, as a devotee of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I am afraid to delve into the world of making fun of Christian Warriors for God too much. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? If you appear on reality TV, you’re fair game. And if you’re completely batshit insane, all the better.
With Pat Robertson condemning tiny Dover, PA to a natural disaster of some sort and the Weavers invoking God whenever their selfish needs desire on The Amazing Race, Crazy Christians are popping up all over my TV. Enter Margaret Perrin on Trading Spouses. I am not about to recap the two episodes – or even come close to doing so – but I will offer a few observations after the jump. If you didn’t see the show, or at least the previews or postscripts on show’s like Best Week Ever or Reality Remix, you won’t have any appreciation for Margaret. But if you did… hoo, boy. From Louisiana, Mrs. Perrin is a disturbingly obese proseltizing nutbag. She sees God (or the lack thereof) everywhere. She screams bloody murder – sounding exactly like South Park’s Ms. Crabtree (RIP).
Long story short, she swapped with some perfectly nice lady from Massachusetts. The MA lady is into Wicca and astrology and all sorts of woo-woo nonsense like that. She lived with Margaret’s family for several days, got accosted by Margaret’s Crazy friends, and ended up getting along very well with the Perrin family. Boring.
Poor Margaret didn’t fare so well up in darksided Massachusetts. She dry-heaved from being morbidly obese with a dash of anxiety disorder. Or, as Margaret calls it, “Darksiditis.” At times she had difficulties breathing and sweat profusely due to her 500 pound girth and clogged arteries. Those conditions would be deemed “Satan” in her world.
She freaked out upon meeting some hokey “psychic” as if that phoney baloney kid had powers on the order of the Sith. She forced the pagan kids to go to church and prayed for everyone nonstop. Her eyes bulged, her giant gap toothed scowl grew more psychotic with each passing hour. This went on for a few days and then, finally, FOX gave us what we watched for: The complete meltown of Margaret.
She couldn’t get out of New England fast enough to return back to “God’s country,” Louisiana. Now, I could make a truly tasteless and heartless quip about how God apparently doesn’t treat his “Country” too well (*cough*Katrina*cough*Rita*cough*) but I won’t do that. She waddled furiously through the threshold of her house to greet her happily expectant family. And then… Holy shit.
“AaaAAAaaaAAA! I REBUKE YOU IN THE NAME OF JEEEE-SUS! AAaaaAAAaaAA!” She screamed at the top of her lungs. She scared the crap out of her daughters and chubby chaser husband. She “rebuked” the FOX camera people, she ripped off her jewelry for some reason, and she screeched about the “Darkside” multiple times. She tore up the nice card and allocation of money calling it, “TAINTED!”
Honestly, there’s not much more to add, as I didn’t thoroughly watch the episodes and really, do I want to offend Christians and the overweight anymore than I have already? Here, I’ll end it by making fun of those with giant gap-teeth some more. Look at THIS guy… Jesus Christ!