For those of you who have been begging for a “Battle of the Network Reality Stars” recap, you are either psychotic… or don’t get Bravo. And since you are readers of the best blog EVER, I’ll go with the latter. “Battle” is abysmal and simply does not deserve a recap. And believe me, I really wanted it to be good. There are so many reality veterans (32 of ‘em) on the show, many of which I love (Evil Dr. Will… um, actually that’s it on the “love” front), many more whom I can’t stand (Wendy Pepper, Jonathan Baker, etc), a few that I usually do enjoy for one reason or another (Charla the dwarf, The Miz, Will Wikle, Brittany Brower, etc.), and a few that I don’t even know. Yeah, I found that hard to believe too but really, who in the hell watched The Swan?
“Battle” sucks ass. I’ll save you the 90 minutes of boredom and present to you the best moments via screencaps.
I’ve read that artificial Coral is quite big these days.
I had a dream back in 1985 that Skeletor interviewed Heather Locklear on television.
This week, it finally happened.
With their TAR winnings, Chip and Kim were able to afford the rare and dangerous head transplant.
No word on what they did with Kim’s body.
I have no idea why, but Charla reminds me of George Washington in this picture.
Just keep staring – it’ll come to you.
Nikki McKibbon and her McCellulite.
Wagers on whether or not Theo actually knows how to spell his own last name?
Wendy Pepper is a crochety old man in this picture, and since I don’t like her, that makes me happy.
Ryan Starr: Butter Face through and through.
But the real treat for me here is Charla in the background.
Charla stares at a familiar sight – someone’s crotch.
Although this time, she noted that the tall woman (The Swan) had peed her pants.
In the end, if you must know, The Miz, Coral, Chip from TAR, and Gervase from Survivor were captains. Gervase’s team won the day so the others had to vote off one person. Heidi (the ugly New Jersey chick from the Apprentice), Kim (Chip’s wife), and Charla were all kicked off. But then they were accepted back on. Host Mike Adamle called this a “twist.”
The problem with Battle is that it’s all about the boring games (Dunk Tank, Obstacle Course, jousting) and not about the reality whores we’ve come to know. If you don’t believe me about this show, Bravo is airing it ad nauseum over the next several days. Go ahead… I dare you.