Battle to Keep my Eyelids Open

Miscellaneous TV

By sg-dub | Saturday, August 20, 2005 | 3:34 pm | 13 Comments

charla_thumb8-17-05

For those of you who have been begging for a “Battle of the Network Reality Stars” recap, you are either psychotic… or don’t get Bravo. And since you are readers of the best blog EVER, I’ll go with the latter. “Battle” is abysmal and simply does not deserve a recap. And believe me, I really wanted it to be good. There are so many reality veterans (32 of ‘em) on the show, many of which I love (Evil Dr. Will… um, actually that’s it on the “love” front), many more whom I can’t stand (Wendy Pepper, Jonathan Baker, etc), a few that I usually do enjoy for one reason or another (Charla the dwarf, The Miz, Will Wikle, Brittany Brower, etc.), and a few that I don’t even know. Yeah, I found that hard to believe too but really, who in the hell watched The Swan?

“Battle” sucks ass. I’ll save you the 90 minutes of boredom and present to you the best moments via screencaps.

coral_boobs_8-17-05
I’ve read that artificial Coral is quite big these days.

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I had a dream back in 1985 that Skeletor interviewed Heather Locklear on television.
This week, it finally happened.

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With their TAR winnings, Chip and Kim were able to afford the rare and dangerous head transplant.
No word on what they did with Kim’s body.

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I have no idea why, but Charla reminds me of George Washington in this picture.
Just keep staring – it’ll come to you.

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Nikki McKibbon and her McCellulite.

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Wagers on whether or not Theo actually knows how to spell his own last name?

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Wendy Pepper is a crochety old man in this picture, and since I don’t like her, that makes me happy.

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Ryan Starr: Butter Face through and through.
But the real treat for me here is Charla in the background.

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Charla stares at a familiar sight – someone’s crotch.
Although this time, she noted that the tall woman (The Swan) had peed her pants.

In the end, if you must know, The Miz, Coral, Chip from TAR, and Gervase from Survivor were captains. Gervase’s team won the day so the others had to vote off one person. Heidi (the ugly New Jersey chick from the Apprentice), Kim (Chip’s wife), and Charla were all kicked off. But then they were accepted back on. Host Mike Adamle called this a “twist.”

The problem with Battle is that it’s all about the boring games (Dunk Tank, Obstacle Course, jousting) and not about the reality whores we’ve come to know. If you don’t believe me about this show, Bravo is airing it ad nauseum over the next several days. Go ahead… I dare you.

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13 Comments

  1. 1
    bacardi
    Posted August 20, 2005 at 5:30 pm

    YAWNS!!! (For the show… The recap was great under the circumstances.)

  2. 2
    steve
    Posted August 20, 2005 at 6:10 pm

    hey how about a fuckin real world recap?

  3. 3
    mellymel
    Posted August 20, 2005 at 6:21 pm

    I never thought a show with Dr. Evil Will would be so boring. I know I was the first one to ask for a recap. I do have Bravo and saw the show a few hours ago. It was bad really bad. Was it that bad with real stars in the 70s? Thanks for the recap and sorry to have put you through the pain.

  4. 4
    sg-dub
    Posted August 20, 2005 at 6:27 pm

    mellymel –

    No worries. I’m here for YOU. As for the origianal battles, yes, they were that terrible. Except there was always the bonus of seeing Susan Anton, Victoria Principal, and Lonnie Anderson in one bra-less outfit or another.

    Next episode contains the always riveting “Simon Says” competition. Jesus Christ, at least it’s not 90 minutes again.

  5. 5
    boose
    Posted August 20, 2005 at 8:54 pm

    The show was almost worth watching to see the clips from the original. Check out Scott Baio on the monkey bars!

  6. 6
    Maura
    Posted August 21, 2005 at 12:19 am

    I knew it was going to suck but I watched it anyway, for nostalgia and to see who needed the money and screen time enough to show up for this dog.

    They spend too much time showing the one-on-one interviews of people badmouthing both the other teams and their own teammates, then show highlights of the events.

    And, I’m sorry, could they not have given that Coral chick a bikini top that at least almost fit?

  7. 7
    Kathryn
    Posted August 21, 2005 at 3:50 am

    This show centers around lame competitions and it has no drama. I mean, if they weren’t going to put all the contestants in one huge house and show footage from it, they could at least make the games interesting to watch. Dunk tanks aren’t fun to watch to begin with, even if you’re there. On TV? Yeah, way less so. And I really can’t picture any fights breaking out over a relay race. I know they wanna stay true to the original program but they could vamp it up a little… or a lot.

  8. 8
    VOO
    Posted August 21, 2005 at 5:15 am

    “Battle ” sucked, but Celebrity Poker Showdown with the reality whores…..now there was some embarassing discomfort. The contestants were stupid and the host hated them. it was great!

  9. 9
    Pat
    Posted August 21, 2005 at 7:02 am

    I must say though…I haven’t laughed quite as hard as I did watching Charla getting the shit beat out of her by The Swan but refusing to give up.

    It made me realize how much I love her and long for her good ole days on The Amazing Race.

  10. 10
    Esther Kustanowitz
    Posted August 21, 2005 at 2:28 pm

    There was something oddly and disturbingly riveting about this “Battle.” At first I thought it was Coral’s huge, um, leadership ability. Then I thought it was the Battle of the Boston Accents (Susan Hawk v. Brian Worth). Then I thought it was the “Who Will Trishelle Get Wasted and Hook Up With” Game. Actually, that still might be the appeal. Check here for more of my thoughts…http://estherkustanowitz.typepad.com/myurbankvetch2005/2005/08/reasons_to_love.html

  11. 11
    bdos88
    Posted August 21, 2005 at 3:42 pm

    Shout out to my girl Charla – love you boo. The only time I’ve choked up watching TAR was their elimination, I think even the host got a little verklempt.

  12. 12
    British
    Posted August 22, 2005 at 6:10 am

    I didn’t even know Heidi Bressler was in it until I saw the re-run of it. The camerapeople were good at hiding her out of view when the red team were talking amongst themselves.

    How long before Amarosa’s 15 minutes of fame is up? She’s on the Surreal life, this, Celebrity poker, and a Burger King commercial. It is blinding to see just how many reality shows where, if you put all the contestants together, you don’t know who is who.

    But gosh I just might watch the next episode. Besides, need to hold myself over with something until the next Apprentice shows up. With my luck, FOX will try to compete with similar-timed Hell’s Kitchen.

  13. 13
    jamie
    Posted August 23, 2005 at 5:21 pm

    I saw the show and thought Jonathan did a good job winning the night for is team. Not…… Where was this Victoria during the amazing race. She sure kicks ass on the battle. I guess she was just mia on the race. No wonder jonathan had a shit evertime he need her she was a sleep.

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