Blogging the ‘Blue: TVgasm Takes Flight

Nothing gets me excited like taking JetBlue. And what better way to celebrate six hours trapped in front of a TV than by busting out the computer and liveblogging as much as possible before the battery dies out? Well, true to form, that’s exactly what I did earlier this evening as I flew from JFK to Burbank. It was quite the exciting flight. Granted, I didn’t have a full slate of awesome TV to entertain me (on my last flight, I had American Idol, House M.D., Real World, 8th and Ocean, and The Daily Show), but there were enough channels to keep me busy. Plus, I also had quite the double-whammy: a 24 star on my plane and Julie Chen on my TV. It was the convergence of all things wonderful and TVgasmic.4:30 PM
Okay, I can finally take out my laptop. Here’s what’s happened so far. First, the flight took an extra 45 minutes to get off the ground. We can thank the twenty three airplanes in line at JFK for that. Seriously, air traffic controllers, are you even doing your job? Lots of exciting things to report about this flight. Okay, only one thing really. Sitting several rows in front of me — fifteen, specifically — is the most wanted man in America (at least on TV). Yes, Peter Weller, a.k.a. Robocop, a.k.a. Christopher Henderson from 24 is riding this JetBlue flight. Some might call it ghetto for a man of his calibre to be spotted on this airline, but I commend stars who fly JetBlue. One time I was lucky enough to ride next to Dave Foley. And just earlier this week, I’m fairly sure that I bantered with a girl from Firefly. Point is, I was very excited to see Christopher Henderson stepping onto my flight. He’s not as intimidating in person, mostly because he was carrying a bright pink/fuscia bag, inside of which was some sort of salad. Also, he’s fairly short and hunched over in real life. He walked around the terminal with sunglasses, which was sort of lame, AND he got to pre-board our flight. C’mon now, Peter Weller. You’re cool, but let’s not get carried away. I was highly amused when I walked on the plane and he was seated in the front row with an unsuspecting little girl next to him. I couldn’t help but think this is what would have happened to Evelyn’s child had she never been rescued. She’d be flying Jetblue across the country with Henderson.

Anyway, I was happy to continue my trend of flying with 24 stars (previously, I’ve been on the same flights as Nina Meyers, George Mason, and Curtis Manning), but there was other business at hand: namely, checking out the passengers. Nothing cool to report. Certainly no other celebs. There was one kid who I think was on that short-lived and awful show, The Reality Show. There’s also a guy who looks like a low-rent Bobby Flay on board, but that’s neither here nor there.

In terms of television I watched while waiting for the past hour: nothing special. I saw Ashley Parker Angel continue his streak of being a total idiot by running away from a man in gorilla costume on Punk’d. I also caught a few minutes of Malcolm in the Middle. Question: why does no one ever talk about how terrible an actor Frankie Muniz is? Perhaps the biggest televised highlight of the past hour has come courtesy of VH1 Classics (isn’t that always the case?). I thought I had stumbled onto the funniest video of all time when I found “Give Me Tonight” by Shannon playing. The whole video focused on Shannon as she sort of stumbled through a dream state whilst being chased by a mysterious, caped man with a high fade. Every now and then, the caped man would actually start singing as if HE were Shannon, and if we were really lucky, the man’s head would come off and sing to itself! This was definitely the best video I’d seen in a long time, but then a true gem fell in my lap. “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls. If there was any doubt how and why this became a gay anthem, then check out this video. I’m pretty sure it was made for about $7.65 as it featured a small city apparently built from cardboard. How could I tell? You know, all the EXPOSED CARDBOARD. The video was amazing, and I highly recommend each and every one of you to watch VH1 Classic until you see it for yourself. Okay, time to get back to TV.

4:44 PM
Taking a quick glance at the pay movies: Tristan and Isolde (blah), Grandma’s Boy (or whatever it’s called. Blah again), and X-2 (blah). C’mon, Jetblue. We expect more.

4:46 PM
Bravo has Law and Order: Criminal Intent on. Oh good. They never show THAT.

4:46 PM
Oooh! A solar storm has taken over the world! At least on the Discovery Channel’s doomsday show, The Perfect Disaster: Solar Storm. People around the globe are looking at the wonderful lights in the sky. LIttle do they know that all hell will soon break loose! “Take a good look at it. It’s probably the last bit of electrical light we’ll see for months,” says one jerk. Uh oh. He’s right! The transformer substation conveniently located next to the Seine is exploding! Oh, and it was the most romantic transformer substation of all! Now it’s causing the earth to shake! Zut alors! THE PERFECT DISASTER! Le Désastre Parfait!

4:49 PM
The two people next to me and I all coincidentally order Ginger Ale as our beverage of choice. This delights the flight attendant who says “Oh good! Three in a row!” We all laugh as if this is the funniest thing we’ve ever heard, and inexplicably I say, “Tic Tac Toe!” Everyone then continues to laugh as if to say “GOOD ONE!” It’s the single most dorky moment of 2006.

4:54 PM
Wow. Molly Ringwald AND Kelsey Grammar coming soon to Medium? I must set my calendar! Perhaps Madeleine Stowe will make an appearance. Or better yet, Dinah Manoff.

4:55 PM
Back to Perfect Disaster. Electricity around the world goes out — a massive, global blackout thanks to the solar storm. Apparently, the post-disaster world will also include lots and lots of terrible acting. Frankie Muniz, this is your time to shine!

5:10 PM
I’ve just temporarily paused to accept my much-hyped ginger ale. Surprisingly, there was no laughter when all three ginger ales were handed out to my row. However, the flight attendant sure as hell was hoping for some. She had a giant smile on her face as if to say “Remember the joke?” Anyway, while this was going on Perfect Disaster ended with the fictional Mayor of NYC giving a televised press conference to say “Don’t worry, we’ll get through this massive blackout.” Funny. I didn’t know people gave televised press conferences when the world was deep in a GIGANTIC BLACKOUT.

5:12 PM
I check out GSN, which is presently stretching its gaming concept to the limit. Anything To Win is on, and the show is profiling the actors of Days of Our Lives as they (sigh) try to win the ratings war in sweeps. What the hell does this have to do with games and game shows? Not much. But the narrator tries to spin this backstage tour into some sort of competitive event. Will the actors win the ratings game? Who knows? Who cares!

5:15 PM
TLC. I’m checking out You’re Killing Your Kids. After seeing this show profiled on Best Week Ever, I had to see what all the fuss was about. You see, the whole thing with this show is that through the magic of Photoshop and scare tactics, this lady nutritionist forecasts how children will look over the next forty years due to their diets. The parents understandably tear up upon seeing the pedophiles their kids look like, but not all hope is lost. The nutritionist says she’s going to put the kids on a strict “diet regime.” It’s REGIMEN. REGIMEN. (Note: I’ve later looked this up. Apparently, “regime” is acceptable too. I still think regimen is better though.)

5:18 PM
FINALLY. Snack time. I’m totally getting two chocolate chip cookies.

5:20 PM
Seriously, what’s the deal with the new Cool Whip jingle? “Do the Cool Whip”? Boo.

5:28 PM
Snacks have arrived, and yes, I got two cookies. The people next to me were hoping I’d order the Tera Blue chips to complete the hat trick again, but alas, sometimes you gotta rain on the parade. Besides, the whole three-sies joke ended after my Tic-Tac-Toe comment. Meanwhile, over on the Hallmark Channel, I’m watching the movie that should have earned Charlize Theron her first Oscar nomination: Mighty Joe Young. She’s just jumped out of a truck and into the arms of the always charismatic Bill Paxton. Now, a giant ape is bashing a Mercedes in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. I think this is supposed to be hilarious, but it’s not. Nevertheless, I know that if Ashley Parker Angel were watching, he’d be scared out of his mind.

5:30 PM
The ape is now climbing on top of the theater and banging its chest. Kind of reminds me of another movie. Can’t remember its name. Uh oh! The ape is gone now! I wonder if it’s headed across the street to the Roosevelt Hotel. Now that Amanda Scheer Demme isn’t working the door anymore, it’s must be much easier for a giant simian creature to get into Teddy’s.

5:32 PM
Has anyone seen CD Usa? This may be the worst network to ever surface on television. At least since Current. The stable of on-air talent all has the sort of perky, antiseptic unctuousness that shows like Saturday Night Live parody. It’s literally one of the worst achievements of mankind.

5:35 PM
Fox. The War At Home. ‘Nuff said. Moving on…

5:41 PM
OH MY GOD! A tornado just hit a stadium in Dallas! It’s another Perfect Disaster on the Discovery Channel! Emergency weather watchers stand in shock. A tear rolls down one woman’s eye. Oh the humanity! The only thing more disturbing is the sight of the ever bloating Mariah Carey sitting on some dude’s lap and singing for an Intel commercial. Now that’s what I call a Perfect Disaster.

5:45 PM
Back to the super tornado. The narrator says that IF the super tornado exists and IF it were to appear in Dallas, then it would probably level part of the city. Isn’t it great that Discovery is frightening thousands of people with a completely hypothetical situation that might never exist? Anyway, a plucky business woman is driving with her child and oops! Her car runs out of gas. She’s right in the jaws of the monster! She calls her husband who just so happens to work for the city’s weather center. He leaves to go fetch his fam, but first his co-workers give him the old “You can’t leave now!” Oh, but he does! Such a brash, rogue hero! As he runs out to his car, his boss yells, “Drive parallel to the tornado!” Yes, I’m sure his plan was to drive directly into the tornado’s path.

5:52 PM
Wilmer Valderamma just drove up ostentatiously to oversee another battle on Yo Mamma. It’s amazing how much of a tool this guy is. Funny story. Two years ago, I wound up in a dance circle with him at some party. He really sucked.

5:56 PM
Spoiler Alert! I don’t want to ruin the ending for anyone, but it looks like Joe the Ape just died in Mighty Joe Young. Oh wait! He’s alive! It’s an Easter Miracle. “You big balooka! That’s no way to ride a ferris wheel!” Bill Paxton says. I don’t know what it means. I don’t want to know what it means. But here’s one thing I do know: It’s probably the finest line of dialogue Bill Paxton’s ever uttered. Charlize Theron then says that Joe needs to go somewhere safe. A new home. But where are they going to get enough money to move him? Luckily, a crowd of people donates some pocket change, and that’s apparently enough to buy a nature preserve for the monkey. We then cut to Charlize and Bill setting Joe Young free in the preserve. “At last, I have kept my promise to my mother,” Charlize says. What exactly did her mother make her promise? “You must find a giant ape. And then you must build it a home. PROMISE ME!”

6:00 PM
Food Network. Finally, something I want to watch: The Next Food Network Star. It’s not a great show. In fact, it’s kind of dull. But I find it oddly amusing, AND tonight, Julie Chen is making an appearance. Must I explain myself any more? I think not.

6:02 PM
Holy turbulence. It’s almost as if I’m flying through my very own Perfect Disaster. If only there were a bunch of lame special effects and poorly schooled actors around…

6:02 PM
Wow. Nothing’s happened, but I’m already laughing in anticipation of Julie Chen.

6:06 PM
Marc Summers surprises all the chefs by forcing them to use different ingredients than they were expecting. Oh Food Network. You are devilish! Next thing you know, they’re gonna have to use currants instead of raisins. The twists just never stop!

6:12 PM
“Crazy” Guy Fieri tones down his food demo. Instead of being loud and boisterous like usual, he’s dull and controlled. And guess what? The Food Network execs LOVE it! Other things they love? Mild weather, 35 MPH speed limits, and unsalted cottage cheese.

6:26 PM
At a commercial break, I browse to see what’s on other channels. VH1 has The Surreal Life on. God, this season sucks.

6:27 PM
Back to Next Food Network Star. Marc Summers says that the chefs will now be doing a “Meet and Eat.” Sounds vaguely kinky. Anyway, the chefs will be meeting members of the media. My Julie Chen meter is going off the charts. Must… be… patient…

6:45 PM
Guy Fieri prepares his signature dish for the media: “The Jackass Roll.” Food Network executives are FLOORED. And so is my laptop. Battery is dying… dying… dea—

Postscript:
Well, my laptop died a good two hours and fifteen minutes after takeoff. Sadly, I was unable to liveblog the wondrous experience that was Julie Chen getting sassy with flamboyant and rotund chef Reggie Southerland. Also, for those of you interested, the flight attendant came around to take a second drink order, and all three of us in my row ordered something different. This did not go unnoticed by the stewardess — who I’ll arbitrarily name Joy. “You all picked something different this time!” Joy said. Oh, how she lived for those glory days — when all we wanted was Ginger Ale. Times were simpler then. Life seemed to have so much promise. Sorry, Joy. We’ve all moved on to different beverages now.

So yeah, that was pretty much it.