Celebrating the Red, White, and JetBlue

Yesterday evening, I found myself flying from Boston to Burbank, and since I was on Jetblue and surrounded by nothing but televisions, I thought what better way to pass time than whipping out the old laptop and liveblogging the flight. So once again, please enjoy the further adventures of TVgasm on Jetblue…5:43 PM
So here I am on JetBlue once again. This time, I’m flying from JFK to Burbank. Status update: my seat is quite good. Exit row window seat — yeah, pretty much the best you can get. The only detraction seems to be my tray table which is too slanted, causing my beverage to come sliding recklessly towards my lap if I don’t keep a firm hand on it. I’ve recently enjoyed a bag of Munchies mix with a ginger ale. Plus, in a rare moment of pre-flight logistical genius, I decided that instead of languishing on the plane for five and a half hours without a real meal, I would instead buy a sandwich ahead of time. My choice? Black forest ham and brie with honey mustard. It was a most welcomed sandwich, especially after the hour we spent sitting on the tarmac. Of course, no meal would be complete without a little dessert; so for this mighty occasion, I indulged in a dark chocolate Toblerone bar. It seemed like a great idea at the time, and it certainly was delicious, but I had massively underestimated the candy bar’s potential to send a shower of chocolate splinters down onto my lap with every bite. As a result, I had faced the tricky dilemma of having to brush off chocolate without making it melt onto my shorts. Everything seemed to go perfectly — I managed to liberate my shorts of any chocolate threats. But alas, there was only one piece left. One damn little piece of chocolate. I think I had become too cocky in my chocolate-sweeping abilities because I tried to brush that bastard away, and dammit if it didn’t instantly melt and leave a dark stain. Oh well. In other news, my stomach keeps making deep growly sounds that sound like farts but aren’t. I’m praying that the woman next to me falls asleep so that I don’t have to deal with the embarrassment much longer.

Anyhoo, it’s 5:51 now on this laptop, which means it’s really 8:51 on the East Coast. That means one thing: it’s primetime! At nine, NBC has a new episode of Treasure Hunters. I don’t know if I can bring myself to watch it here on the plane. I might have to save it for later. I wouldn’t want to accidentally put myself to sleep.

5:53 PM
Sci-Fi has a Twilight Zone marathon on, and it’s the famous episode with the beautiful woman whose face is in bandages the whole time. “Eye of the Beholder,” I believe. It’s the only episode of the Twilight Zone I’ve ever seen because it’s the only one that’s ever on. Hey Twilight Zone marathon: way to be original, jerks!

5:55 PM
MTV. Yay! Janelle is being a bitch to Svetlana on The Real World. I love stupid people.

5:56 PM
VH1 Classics has Grease on. It’s nice to see some of John Travolta’s early performances. Really dispels all those rumors about him.

5:57 PM
ESPN News: Ben Wallace is signing with the Bulls? What the? I’m so not happy about this. The best part, however, is that the sportscasters say “Big Ben signs with another team. But who? We’ll tell you after the break!” Uh, someone might want to tell the ESPN people that “Ben Wallace to sign with Bulls” is written in a big box on the bottom of the screen.

6:00 PM
Okay, I must relent. Time to watch Treasure Hunters.

6:02 PM
Ooh! The teams are going to discover secrets of the American Revolution. This is almost as exciting as watching the person in front of me trying to readjust her pillow.

6:03 PM
Last episode, the teams were in Montana. Now they are randomly in Boston. No explanation. God, this show really sucks.

6:03 PM
Grad students dropping out. “We’re not gonna go any further,” the girls say. I’m shocked that Brad Fogal doesn’t run up to Jessica, stomp on her foot, and say, “Just in case you were gonna change your mind…”

6:05 PM
Browns back in the game! You know what? I can’t even take notes on this show right now. Sorry.

6:11 PM
So here’s what’s happened on the show. Teams have traveled to a schoolhouse where a clue said something about “Look where you can look no further” or something like that. The Air Forcers went into a classroom, saw something about “the shot heard around the world” and ran away to some part of Boston. A bunch of other teams then showed up, and instead of jumping to conclusions, they investigated the classroom. The Wild Hanlon son found a light switch, played with it, and caused a black light to turn on. And that, of course, revealed the next clue (and perhaps some semen stains, but that’s another issue). As the teams left, they then walked by a sign by Genworth Financial hanging in the hallway. Don’t these teams find this a little weird? An old, condemned school house and inside it is a billboard for a financial company? This show is ridiculous.

6:34 PM
Not much has been happening in the past twenty minutes. I used the bathroom, which is always fun. Treasure Hunters is still spectacularly unexciting. And right now I’m watching a commercial for Verizon that’s promoting a Pirates of the Caribbean tie-in. We’re told to text “DEAD” to a number. Kind of morbid, right? Oh god, my stomach just crazy growled. Like a really loud, deep one that totally sounded like I passed gas. And this was a loud one. I could hear it over my headphones. I’m gonna be a total JetBlue pariah by the time this flight is over.

6:40 PM
By the way, quick survey of the other TVs on the plane. Of the forty or so TV sets I can see, I’m the only one watching Treasure Hunters.

6:44 PM
I’m watching a Mazda CX7 commercial, and I think I spot Silas from Survivor: Africa. Can anyone verify this? It’s always so exciting when a reality star can break into the big time!

6:46 PM
I didn’t realize Sarah Wynter (a.k.a. Kate Warner from 24) was on Windfall. I wonder if she spends each episode pestering people, saying things like “What’s going on?” or “I don’t understand” or “Okay, I trust you.”

7:01 PM
Finally, something entertaining: Fresh Meat. Perfect timing. I was about to enter a catatonic state thanks to Treasure Hunters.

7:30 PM
Okay, a half an hour later, and Fresh Meat is over. Lots of good stuff to recap later. Won’t do it here. Now I’m stuck watching a snippet of the latest Cheyenne video. Must restrain my extreme delight!

7:31 PM
Seriously, what is Fast, Inc.? It’s just this random show that’s on. Does anyone actually watch it? The guys on the show are talking about a girl being a panty-dropper. Yes, they’re speaking Miz-ese. That only mans one thing: time to change the channel.

7:32 PM
Gross! I’m not watching VH1, but the person next to me is, and Perez Hilton is on there talking about something. Why would you watch that? Why? Luckily, an old Chappelle’s Show is on. And even better, it’s an R. Kelly spoof I’ve never seen. I’m literally laughing out loud in my seat at this “I just want to piss on you” song. Between my groaning stomach and my giggling, the person next to me must think I’m the most annoying airline passenger EVER.

7:37 PM
Okay, the girl next to me is watching Chappelle’s Show now, so I don’t feel as lame anymore. (Sigh of relief… followed by stomach groan).

7:38 PM
Question: who is actually watching Mind of Mencia? I mean, it’s a terrible show by a terrible comedian. There really are only so many times we can hear him say “weee-tahded!” before it becomes really old. And that number of times is once.

7:40 PM
This is fun: the plane is emitting a loud, wailing sound. You know, kind of like it’s about to fall apart. Oh, and as I type this, the pilot’s like “Um, put on your seatbelts.” Tell my family I love them…

7:43 PM
Whoo! Turbulence! These three pushy Russian ladies in front of me decide that now would be the best time to stand up and walk around. The flight attendants quickly lay the smackdown: “Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelts sign. Please sit down IMMEDIATELY.” That means you, BITCHES.

7:48 PM
I know people absolutely love Anthony Bourdain. I can’t help feeling like I’m watching a dude going through his mid-life crisis. I just can’t get by it. But I’ll reserve further judgment and try to understand the Bourdain Magic.

8:12 PM
Chappelle’s Show is over; so now I’m watching some Kathy Griffin special which is really funny. But now it’s a commercial break which means it’s time to roam around the channels. But wait! Tom Hanks is rowing in a canoe and telling us about the Nature Conservancy. This is the most ridiculous commercial. I mean, nothing really happens, but it’s Tom Hanks in a canoe! He’s acting like we all have fond memories of rowing down rivers in canoes. Shut up, Tom. I have no canoe nostalgia.

8:15 PM
I love the commercials for the new Woody Allen movie, Scoop, but that’s only because they all say “From the writer and director of Match Point” — as if Woody Allen is some obscure artist that no one knows about. I mean, I understand that saying “Woody Allen” is kind of like a death sentence for most marketing campaigns, but let’s not be ridiculous. Then again, I do love the duplicitous nature of tricking Middle America into seeing a Woody Allen film.

8:22 PM
What the hell? The pushy Russian lady in front of me just like sprayed shit into the air, which of course misted all over my legs somehow. Listen people. Keep your sprays to yourself.

8:28 PM
Oh good. My Fair Brady. Chris and Adrien are planning their wedding. Am I the only one who sincerely does not care about these two? I mean, they’re not annoying or bad or anything. I just don’t give a crap about their lives.

8:30 PM
Oooh. Lisa Edelstein a.k.a. Dr. Cuddy from House talking about her downward dog positions on Fox In Flight. Sexy!

8:31 PM
Excitement! The second snack service of the evening. It will be hard to top the Toblerone, but if I get some Oreos or perhaps fake smoked gouda, I’ll be quite happy.

8:34 PM
Snacks have arrived. What do we have? Raisins (eh), Wheatsworth Stone Ground Wheat Crackers (eh), Pepperidge Farm Distinctive Hearty Wheat crackers (eh), and… fake smoked gouda! Score!

8:43 PM
I’ve now consumed my cheese and crackers (and raisins too), and now I’m back to watching TV. There’s a commercial for this new CGI ant movie coming out in a few weeks. I don’t know what the deal is with it. The animation looks exactly like Antz, and the story looks absolutely retarded. I saw the preview before Superman Returns (which was fairly overrated) and — SERIOUSLY. Stop spritzing me Russian lady!! That shit got my arms! Okay, sorry to break my rant, but that lady just spritzed again. Basically, she was trying to spray her hair or something, and because I’m behind her, I get all the spritz that doesn’t hit her stupid head (a.k.a. ALL OF IT). If I were sitting next to her, I wouldn’t feel embarrassed about my stomach sounding like a fart. In fact, I think I’d go out of my way to actually stir up a fart, just to passive-aggressively counter her flagrant spraying.

8:49 PM
Food Network. Great news, everyone. Rachel Ray is on vacation. “I’m having such a perfect day. I just love this!” she says. How wonderful for you! The only thing missing is some E.V.O.O.!

8:51 PM
Rachel Ray is getting excited for some sort of Martini-fest. Can’t wait to see her housed. I bet her accent becomes more intolerable than ever. Oh my gaaad! I hope she doesn’t start slurring her words and bragging about her latest creation, the “Pizz-agna.” (I saw her make it earlier. It’s half pizza, half lasagna, and all kind of nasty looking).

8:52 PM
Why does Rachel Ray always laugh at her own dumb jokes? Even she knows she’s not funny. You can tell by the lack of conviction in her laughter. Non-sequitor: who could drink more? Rachel Ray or Sandra Lee? My money’s on Sandra Lee. I bet they’d get into a fight. A real hair-pullin, bitch-slappin’ brawl.

8:55 PM
Benson on TVLand. Confession: I’ve never seen this show before. Why start now?

9:00 PM
Awww. Dog the Bounty Hunter just helped his daughter release a fish back into the sea. So poetic. Now, if only that fish had a giant, flowing mullet…

9:02 PM
Ah, the initial descent to Los Angeles has begun. And the laptop is still alive. Fantastic. Oh, and guess who just spritzed the air with her Rose Water Mist again? That’s right, PUSHY RUSSIAN LADY.

9:09 PM
BBCA has a charming sitcom on. It’s incredibly funny. And by “incredibly funny,” I mean “only funny to people who wish they were British and don’t get all the jokes but pretend like they do.” Holy shit. STOP WITH THE ROSE WATER MIST.

9:10 PM
Okay, Pushy Russian Lady’s friends are all entranced by this concept of Rose Water Mist. They’re all taking turns spritzing. Yes, the wonders of scented water molecules! Da!

9:12 PM
Dog and his gang are closing in on a thug. I wish he’d reach through the TV and apprehend Pushy Russian Lady. Or at least her damn Rose Water Mist.

9:13 PM
Just want to know which exec at FX thought it would be a fantastic idea to show League of Extraordinary Gentlemen ALL NIGHT LONG.

9:14 PM
Computer about to die. VH1 has Supergroup on. People tell me it’s great, but

(and that was where my computer died)

Anyway, that was my flight. Now back to life in Los Angeles. Enjoy the 4th everyone!