“You wouldn’t happen to have any crack, would you?”
Okay, so I woke up this morning and realized something dreadful. I had completely forgotten to watch Being Bobby Brown last night. Don’t worry though. I did Tivo it. But in the interest of saving time, I’m just going to sit down right now with the new TVgasm laptop and liveblog away. Let’s go!1:20 PM:
Bobby’s just approached two diners at a restaurant. No, they do not have crack. He tells them that he’s shooting the new Bobby Brown reality show. “I know Bobby Brown…I have not met Bobby Brown,” says one of the diners. Ah! Here comes some razzin’! Oh wait, Bobby just introduces himself instead. I thought this was going to be funny. Wait, wait. Here comes the funny. Bobby on why the guys don’t recognize him: “I’m not in an orange jumpsuit right now.” Oh CLEVER, Bobby! Hercules! Hercules!
Opening credits. Hey, look! A crackwhore! Oh, never mind. That’s just Whitney. Aww, and Bobby dragged his kids into this mess too. Why, there’s LaPrincia (a name derived from the syllable grab bag), Bobbi Kristina, and Bobby Jr…so he named two of his kids “Bobby”? Doesn’t Whitney get a honey child of her own? By the way, Pops and Tommy are in the cast too, in case you were wondering.
This is the worst opening theme song I’ve ever heard in my life. It may be his prerogative to sing this ditty, but good god it’s awful. Basically, it’s him rasping “Being Bobby Brown” over and over and over again. Even the freakin’ Anna Nicole Smith Show had better lyrics.
“I always come to see my babies or they come to see me. I want them with me every day, but I can’t have them with me every day because they have a different mom.” AND YOU’RE IN JAIL.
Hey, thanks for filming this show in an annoying strobe style. I guess that’s Bravo’s way of being “urban” and not “gay.”
Wow, this is like watching a streaming quicktime movie.
Well, it was fun seeing the kids. Now, let’s get back to that kooky crackwhore Whitney!
Bobby announces that he and Whitney go to the Hyatt in Atlanta to get some private time when the house gets too crowded. Note to self: NEVER GO TO THE HYATT IN ATLANTA.
Ah, the lyrical prowess of Bobby Brown: “Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack jump over that candlestick. Bring that ass in quick, I’m gonna show you what I do with it.” Does Bobby Brown want to have sex with Jack?
Whitney arrives and kisses Bobby in slow motion. Except, it’s not actually slow motion. They’re just very, very creepy. And high.
Wow, Whitney and Bobby just kicked their daughter out of their room so they could have sex. Now that’s good parenting. Hey, how is this less crowded than the mansion?
The famous Preparation H scene. Insert Bobby Brown/asshole joke here.
Whitney announces that she needs a vacation. I love when celebrities on these shows say this. They spend all day tickling small dogs, see one fan on the street and then proclaim “I’M STRESSED. VACATION TIME!” Shut up, you stupid assholes.
In a limo. In the Bahamas. B&W sing the theme song to Gilligan’s Island. Poor Bobbi Kristina. She looks absolutely mortified by her cracked-out parents. As she should be. Later, at the Atlantis Resort, Bobby takes pictures with fans (even though they call him “Usher”). Whitney, however, gives them the cold shoulder. Stupid fans. They probably go days without smoking crack. Barbarians.
Ah shit! Whitney’s getting in a pool! We all know what happens when Ms. Houston gets in a body of water. Two words: River Jordan.
Bobby Brown: “I’m known like the President.” Of LUXEMBOURG.
Screw Bobby Brown. Let’s just have cameras follow Whitney in public places. “Ma’am PLEASE!” she says as she shoos away a fan. Yes, she hates the attention. Can’t you tell by the camera crew following her!!
Whitney: “I just want a real life! Lord, I just want to be a real person!” (with a reality show).
Bobby and Whitney eat a romantic meal in what appears to be the hotel’s resident Red Lobster. Excuse me, waiter. Can we use these bibs with our crack?
Whitney “I want a real life” Houston sings and dances through the hotel lobby. But seriously, she doesn’t want to be bothered.
Bobby goes to a hole-in-the-wall club. In a prototypical reality TV moment, a woman tells Bobby “Give me a kiss” but keeps her eyes planted firmly on the camera. Yes, lady, today you ARE a star!
Oooh, a promo for Situation: Comedy. I hate this show, primarily because my friend and I submitted an awesome pilot for it, and we never heard back. Damn you, Sean Hayes! Seriously though, your winning selections better be good. Otherwise I will tear you to shreds out of pure vengeance.
Bobby and Whitney eat breakfast with the fam. So… (twiddling thumbs) … fascinating television.
Whitney remembers her dad, bawls. I remember good TV. I bawl.
Okay, the first episode is over. I’ve got another one on my Tivo, but guess what? Pretend I’m Whitney, and this show is a fan. Me: GO AWAY!
I do applaud Whitney for not even trying to seem like Ms. Fun Lovin’ Best Friend to America, but seriously, in case Britney and Kevin: Chaotic wasn’t clear enough: celebrity reality shows are dead.