Everwood: Acceptance is the Final Step

Alright, it’s all over. I thought that the closure would be a tiny posting on the demise of Everwood, but it only fueled the fire. Due to unprecedented almost ravenous demand I am recapping the two final, beautiful hours of Everwood. Yes, in the warped mind of UMNATA six requests for a recap does equal ravenous demand. Luckily for us, Rina Mimoun, executive producer of Everwood, decided to shoot an alternate ending to give Everwood fans a satisfying ending to the show if it wasn’t brought over to The CW. Unfortunately for us, Dawn Ostroff, president of the new CW network, was taken over by some kind of alien life form, and unjustly cancelled Everwood in favor of 7th Heaven and One Tree Hill. But hey, HEY, let’s not focus on the anger – we’ve passed that step in the grieving process – so let’s revisit the great sendoff.We start the teargasm in the Brown kitchen, with the de-annoying Delia washing dishes with Ephram’s new dish (PUNS!) Stephanie, while talking about her upcoming Bat Mitzvah. Delia is a reformed mean girl, and you can tell because she’s wearing The Children’s Place version of Secretary of the Year’s favorite outfit.

Delia and Stephanie are really hitting it off, and everyone seems to like her, mostly because she does the dishes for them, and reminds them of one of the sassy maids they had when they were living back in New York. I actually really like Stephanie, and it’s too bad. But this is a quickie series finale, and we have no time for extraneous attachments! However, this is a good example of why this show was so great. You know that Amy & Ephram are the couple (just like Nina and Andy) but the show makes you root for a Stephanie (or Jake) anyway! Damn you! Delia realizes that her brother has no game, and thus she invites Stephanie to her Bat Mitzvah, which suddenly makes Andy start stammering and stuttering in that oh so charming Treat Williams way. “Invite the help!?!? DELIA have you gone mad!?!?” Delia points out that Nina, Jake and Sam aren’t coming (next stop: Sunny California!) and Andy starts to bawl hysterically in his manly beard. He soon realizes that he was being rude by telling Stephanie she can’t come and that it’ll be good to have someone on hand to sub in, just in case one of the caterer’s severs get sick, and invites her to join them. Andy then dramatically storms off with the garbage. When Ephram goes to chase him down, he deduces that Andy is upset about Nina leaving with Jake. Ephram asks him about the engagment ring he bought for Nina, and Andy says he’s going to return it. It’s over. It’s time to move on. So sad, but so true. We get our first Everwood nostalgia moment here though as Ephram and Andy fight on the front lawn, a la the pilot episode during their classic “I hate you!” I hate you right back!” scene. Good times.

“SHE HAS BEAUTIFUL EYES! AND HER HAIR SMELLS LIKE CINAMMON!”

Over at Nina’s house of cockteasing – Oh, come on, Hannah the virgin who showers with her boyfriend & Nina with all her I Love Andy! No, I love Jake! Crap? You know I’m right – Hannah is helping Nina pack up her stuff. Suddenly, Hannah and Nina are actually friends, even though Hannah has lived with Nina for two years and I haven’t seen them interact all that much. And now all of a sudden they are girl talking about the unseen ring that Andy bought for Nina? Do I buy it? No. Do I care? Not really. Oh the power of the series finale. Anyway, Hannah becoming suddenly sneaky and manipulative (ooh, daddy like!) convinces Nina to break into Andy’s house to steal the ring and take a look at it. Umm, okay… the whole scene is really cute, and way unbelievable, but it tests my affection for Hannah. Sometimes I love her (mostly when she’s with Bright or Amy) and other times I think I hate her (like any other time). Naturally, Andy comes in and Hannah has to stall him unconvincingly while Nina sneaks out of the house with the ring.

As I’ve said earlier, sometimes when watching a rush job of a series finale you have to suspend your love for the plot cohesion a television show usually has in place. So while I’d normally be all over the fact that Dr. Harold Abbott is in his office consoling a schizophrenic woman who we’ve never seen before last week about the death of her husband and the new responsibilities of becoming a mother, and making good on a promise he claimed to have made to her parents when they died about taking care of her, I let it slide because it’s the series finale. No, seriously. Hmm… didn’t the Abbots’ want to adopt a new bay?

It saddens me as we go to Bright & Ephram’s apartment for one of the last times. Amy walks in with Bright’s dry cleaning, and although they are brother and sister on the show it makes me happy to know that they are dating in real life. I don’t know why it makes me happy, it just does. They banter cute about the gross stain on Bright’s suit jacket – which we know had to be, umm, self-inflicted, since Hannah is a Donna Martin (preachy virgin), and Ephram gives them the Jewish guilt about sitting around while he’s moving his stuff around.

BEST ONSCREEN BROTHER & SISTER WHO ARE SECRETLY BANGING OFFSCREEN. UMM. EVER!

Poor Edna. She was always my least favorite character on the show, and the last thing I ever thought I would care about was her life once Irv died. For months there were rumors about a major character dieing on Everwood, and they really threw a curveball at us, when it was mild-mannered Irv. I thought, well, alright the narrator is dead and silenced, if only Desperate Housewives could take the same cue. And boy was my frozen, shriveled heart shocked when I was actually sad about Irv’s death and Edna’s subsequent descent into grief. Here we see Edna giving one of her classic tough gal speeches to Jake. Edna, listen to the man, if ANYONE knows about grief it’s Bailey Salinger. Jake is making his rounds saying goodbye around town as he foolishly thinks he’ll be whisking away hometown girl Nina, to California. Apparently Jake has never watched an episode of television, like, ever. They talk, they hug, and just when I think it’s another cutesy goodbye scene Edna pulls him in for a big mama bear hug. I have to pause the DVR and call my grandmother.

As Jake continues his Everwood world tour of goodbyes, he runs into Ephram at Sam’s (his and Nina’s coffee shop). It’s now California’s Sunny disposition vs. New York’s cynicism. The New Yorker in me is quite happy when Ephram hits Jake with his veiled references to what is good for Nina is Everwood and his dad. It’s ballsy enough where I respect him for being a dick, and yet, not too ballsy where I hate him for being a dick. Well played, Ephram. Ahh, but little shall we New Yorkers underestimate the power of sunshine, as Jake takes the cold and stale NYC Pretzel that Ephram lobs at him and turns it into a refreshing non-fat chai latte. Jake gives him a speech about how there are pictures of what you want your life to be and what you think it should be. And sometimes life is like a box of chocolates and other times life is a highway and you never know what you’re gonna get if you drive it all night long. No, wait. That’s not right. Either way, good ol’ Jake bitch slaps Ephram down with a smile. Score one for the West Coast.

FORGET TUPAC & BIGGIE THIS IS THE REAL EAST COAST VS. WEST COAST

So here we are and Hannah is packing up her room again – this time to parts unknown, while Amy is trying to convince herself that she doesn’t still have feelings for Ephram. Oh dear, sweet chocolate dipped Amy, of course you do. And in case she didn’t know Hannah emphasizes her point by making this face:

Stephanie and Ephram head on over to the jewelry store to buy Delia a sack of diamonds for her Bat Mitzvah. They talk cute about this and that and Stephanie draws us and Ephram deeper into her web of likability. Just stop it Stephanie! We can’t get attached to you! There is only 90 minutes left to this finale and you just need to step aside. Can’t she start beating up old people or something? That would make this whole process so much easier.

YOU MAY HAVE STOLEN EPHRAM’S HEART BUT YOU WON’T STEAL MINE!

It’s a normal morning at the Abbott house and the kids are home for breakfast. Bright is mandated to newspaper pick up duty and what does he find there next to the funnies? A BABY! Now there’s something you just don’t see anymore. Apparently Harold’s crazy patient dropped off her infant on his doorstep because she just couldn’t handle raising the kid without her husband around. Whatever, lady. Your loss is Rose’s gain! SUCKER!

Across town, Jake has found the engagement ring that Nina stole from Andy’s house and comes over to do the macho thing and confront Andy and his beard. Andy explains that he only bought the ring “just in case”, kind of like an emergency kit. In case of breakup, please remove ring and propose. Andy tells Jake that he’s won, and Nina has picked him again, but Jake knows that his dimples are no match for Andy’s facial hair.

Aww, how Delia has grown into a nice young woman. She is obviously all ready for her Bat Mitzvah, so it’s just the right time to throw a shrieking fit about how late they were about to be. Let’s go people! Ugh, I liked Delia so much better when she was a figment of Russell Crowe’s imagination in A Beautiful Mind. At the Bat Mitzvah there is a whole candle lighting ceremony and she remembers her dead mother, and my whole body stiffens with fear that Brenda Strong is going to show up as a ghost or something. Luckily, she doesn’t appear, nor does she channel her inner Mary Alice and spew any voiceover nonsense. We really dodged a bullet on this one.

At the rockin’ good party, Stephanie, Amy, Ephram, Bright and Hannah are all sitting together, making this the most awkward seating arrangement ever. This does however lead to the funniest line of the episode, when Stephanie asks Ephram to dance, and he says: “Really, you want to brave the Horrah?” and Stephanie replies: “What did you just call me!?!?” Ugh! Ethnic humor! I love it! Amy then starts to badger Hannah about Ephram, to which Hannah picks the lesser of two evils: a dance with her ex-boyfriend.

Nina, Jake and Sam are all at the airport (what they couldn’t leave 24 hours later to be at Delia’s rite of passage? Dicks.) and the inevitable break up happens. I have to hand it to these two, I thought this relationship was doomed about two seasons ago, so God bless them for getting all the way to the airport. Regardless, Jake hits Nina with some crap about not wanting a piece of her heart, but rather wanting the whole thing. I need a shot of insulin because I’m going into diabetic shock, but it’s sweet. Peace out Dr. Dimples!

Back at the Bat, Amy is drowning her sorrows in Kosher wine, and I love every minute of it.

I’ve got to say that Emily Van Camp really shines in this episode. I usually hate when actors play drunk, but this really worked for me. Ephram comes over and she is on the verge of telling him EVERYTHING the entire time. Delia also comes over and Amy gives her a brief girl power speech that is absolutely priceless. Amy decides that she can get sullen white boy Ephram to get funky with it just like that hot tamale whore Stephanie. She asks him to dance, and wouldn’t you know it, when they get to the dance floor the fast song stops and a slow song starts. Bonus points for using “Steady As We Go” by the Dave Matthews Band. And they dance. They dace close, they dance slow, they dance long. The 14 year old girl inside me dies. When Amy and Hannah leave the Bat Mitzvah and AMY is WASTED! She also comes to the least surprisingly realization ever: She’s still in love with Ephram!

Back at the Brown’s, Andy is walking his now woman-daughter into the house, and telling her how great she is. He sends her off to bed, and finds Nina sitting in the dark in his house. Creepy. She’s also holding the note that she had left for Andy, but he hadn’t read yet.

The next morning, at Bright and Ephram’s apartment I realize how much I’m going to miss Brighton “Bright” Abbot. This is mostly because when Ephram comes out of his bedroom and says goodbye to Stephanie, Bright gets all excited and says that this is the first unrecycled ass Ephram’s gotten in the apartment all year. GENIUS! Ephram of course didn’t do the deed with Stephanie, because, well, because I guess the writers figured that if Amy and Ephram were to get back together at the end of the episode he couldn’t be bagging Stephanie within 24 hours. Would it have been a scummy thing to do? Yes. Would I have lost respect for Ephram? Yes. Would I have started to like him more? ABSOLUTELY.

2 IN 24, MAN! LIVE THE DREAM!

Of course, Ephram is more interested in how Amy is doing this morning. Maybe they should call. Or stop by. Or send a carrier pigeon. Or check the hidden camera that Ephram installed in Amy’s stuffed Teddy Bear. But at least he’s a little quicker on the uptake than Amy. One dance, and he’s back on board.

Amy is back on board as well, as she is discussing the particulars of the dance with Hannah ad nauseum. Sure, it’s a little, umm, much and girl talky, but it’s kind of funny. Hannah gives Amy the crazy advice to just go over and tell Ephram how she feels. HOGWASH, Amy says. Hannah also wants to make sure that Amy’s feelings are genuine and not just coming out of jealousy, to which Amy gives a long soliloquy about how great Ephram is and how he makes her feel. I swear, I don’t start tearing up. Just to prove it a bang a stripper and kill a mountain lion with my bare hands.

As we’re trying to tie up loose ends, Harold and Edna are talking about Baby Lily and their plans for the future. Edna warns Harold that the crazy mom could come back, but it’s hard not to get attached to such a lovable adorable baby. Edna then informs Harold that she’s moving on to Phase 3 of her life and going to stay with her daughter Linda in Africa for a while. Good luck with that Edna! Linda, has since become the nutsiest Desperate Housewife of them all: KIMBERBREE!!!

It’s breakfast time at the Brown house and houseguest Sam, is taking the place of Delia as resident annoying kid. Not even the extra iPod that Delia gave him as hush money will keep him from yap yap yapping. Finally, he asks Nina if he can call Jake, making things super awkward. Andy offers Sam the use of his phone, but Sam says he’ll just call from his mom’s cell. Nina looks worried, so instead of giving him the phone she buys him a minor league baseball team. Anything to shut that kid up.

Meanwhile, Hannah and Bright are at the mall scouting for a summer job for Bright. Hannah doesn’t see Bright working at the mall, and Bright tends to agree. Umm, I’m sorry, I like Bright and all, but why exactly don’t we see him as a mall worker kind of guy? It’s not like NASA is going to be knockin’ down his door anytime soon. What all of a sudden he’s too good to work at a Panda Express? Other than a job Bright seems to have a pretty solid plan for a future, which bums Hannah out, because she hasn’t picked a college or major yet. Don’t worry Hannah, you’ll be fine. After you gain that freshman fifteen and renege on that whole Virginity Oath you made, you’ll find your path. It’s just the way it goes at college. Regardless of Frat Boy Date Rape stats and Girls Gone Wild opportunities Hannah has narrowed her school options down to Notre Dame, and the closer more convenient (but much less academically renown), Colorado A&M.

We are next treated to what could be the most uncomfortable coffee date in Everwood history:

That’s right in the spirit of fairness and sisterhood (woo hoo), Amy decides to ask Stephanie out for coffee, to discuss her plans to woo Ephram away. Riiiight. Since Stephanie is the coolest doomed girlfriend ever, she kind of shrugs it off, saying that she can do what she wants, if Ephram wants Amy, there’s nothing she can do about, and if he doesn’t, well, yippey for her. Seriously, this girl is so much cooler than Amy. Imagine if Madison had this conversation with Amy last year when Amy and Ephram were dating. The show would have had to been renamed: Everwood: Amy’s Revenge. Later Amy, will run into Stephanie and Ephram at the movies, and make a total ass out of herself, trying to flirt with Ephram, while Stephanie basically laughs her off.

In another moment of seasons past, we get to see Andy and Delia driving to an undisclosed location. Delia, acknowledges the fact that she is a reformed Mean Girl, and is no longer under the spell of Regina George. Andy accepts this, but informs Delia, that there will be plenty more times in the post-pubescent years ahead for her to revert back to her evil ways. And it’s okay. Awww. But in the meantime, here’s a pony! Yes, that’s right, the pony that Dr. Brown promised his daughter so many years ago, is now hers. I wish my parents would buy my affection. With a car.

Next stop: Medical offices of Drs. Abbot and Brown. For the last time. Moment of silence. Thanks. It’s been great watching these two former nemesis close the gap and becomes friends over these last four years. Sure, they still fight like little girls from time to time, but it really has developed into one of the most meaningful adult friendships on television, and for that they will be missed. Wait. Was that a whole paragraph without snark? Ugh. I’m losing my touch.

Bright is now trying to help Hannah figure out which school to go to. I don’t know when these two became so buddy/buddy again, but I’m riding this wave regardless. Hannah, in all her type-A glory has made a pro and con list for both Colorado A&M and Notre Dame. Bright promises that he’ll be objective knowing that he plays prominently on both sides of both lists. So far, the only thing that is saving Colorado A&M from the trash heap is the Everwood gang. Hey! If Sunnydale University is good enough for Buffy, and West Beverly University is good enough for the Walshes, then goddammit Colorado A&M is good enough for you Hannah!

Andy has taken sometime away from the office, and traveled back to New York so he can monologue in front of his wife Julia’s grave. And it’s VERRRRY schmaltzy, more so than this show usually allows, but I let them have it. My spirit is too broken to complain. Andy is saying goodbye to Julia, and thanking her for showing him how to love, etc. etc. etc. He’s going to ask Nina to marry him, and he needed her to know.

Back in Everwood, Harold is confronting his mother about her erratic behavior and the fact that his sister Linda has no idea that she is planning to go out to Africa to work with her. It turns out that Irv’s death has taken a worse toll on Edna than she realized, and all she wants to do is be alone, mourn and eat some ice cream. She’s taking the RV and heading out of town for some crazy adventures! Kind of like The Simple Life. Except, well, you know, not.

LOOK OUT PARIS HERE COMES EDNA!!!

Amy is in full-on girl mode, and complaining to Rose that she doesn’t know what to do about her feelings for Ephram. For the second time someone suggests to poor, sweet, melodramatic Amy that she should just tell Ephram how she feels. Amy says she can’t because Ephram’s not that guy. He’s more than just words. He got his dad to perform surgery on her boyfriend while he was in love with her! Sure Colin died in that surgery and caused Amy to go on anti-depressants and fall down the same slut spiral as Marissa Cooper , but still, the grand gesture was there! Amy just has to think of something big! That’s when we get the big montage. All the Amy and Ephram moments from the past four years. Don’t break down. Don’t break down. Think about baseball. Think about hookers. Oh damn you Everwood you win! If you’re a fan of the show, and you missed this youtube it. It’s pretty great. If you aren’t a fan of the show, youtube it, and see what a big girl I am. But it finally hits her. She’s got her big idea.

Hannah and Bright decide to take a little hike up the mountains, which I’ve noticed is a very popular town to do in the sleepy burg of Everwood. Ugh. Thank God, I’m from Long Island. Bright finally tells Hannah what he thinks she should do: She should go to Notre Dame. It’s the best decision, and she deserves the best. He tells her not to worry about everyone back in Everwood, because they’ll always be there for her. He won’t ever let her down again, and it’s going to be him and her “best friends for life.”

It seems as though Hannah will be leaving Everwood for good. But, my friends, never underestimate the power of a reformed bad boy. We later see Hannah head for the mailbox and drop in a letter to Colorado A&M, and you can only assume that means she’s staying around. And setting the Women’s Movement back about 20 years.

Now it’s time for rapid wrapping up on Everwood. Harold and Rose decorate the new bedroom for Edna, who is touched and going to live with them, and help Rose take care of baby Lily.

Next up is Andy, who has felt refreshed after his visit to Julia’s grave, and he’s ready to propose to Nina. We get a nice moment between Andy and Ephram, where they tell each other how much they’ve grown. Again it’s a little bit overdramatic, but give them a break. We were supposed to have another few years before scenes like this ever even aired. Andy then runs downstairs and grabs Nina and brings her to the spot where they met four years ago. After sending the guys who are working on her old house away, he proposes to her and she says yes. The music swells and tears are shed. Live long and prosper Nina and Andy. Whoa, I even want to beat myself up over that reference.

Here we go, it’s now Ephram and Amy time. He’s on his way out the door to meet Stephanie for a movie, and Amy is outside with a ferris wheel. Yes, you heard right, a ferris wheel. Where did she get a ferris wheel you ask? I don’t know. Why didn’t Ephram hear it getting installed? I have no idea. Just shhhhh, and let the good times roll:

Amy tells Ephram not to say anything, and since she brought the ferris wheel she gets the floor. He has changed her life, even though she never thought it was possible. The Ferris wheel is from their first Thaw Fest. Ephram remembers; he remembers everything about them. She always wants to be with him and she keeps on babbling and babbling, while Ephram keeps trying to shut her up.

“I LOVE YOU EPHRAM.”

WE HAVE LIFT OFF!

” I LOVE YOU TOO. YOU’RE MY ONE.”

And with that we leave Everwood, albeit prematurely. But everyone is happy. I’m happy, Edna’s happy Ephram & Amy are happy, Hannah & Bright will probably be happy, B-Side is happy because I can stop bothering him about this show. So you will be missed Everwood. And with this the mourning period is over!