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Because I’m on a transcontinental JetBlue flight and because I have nothing better to do, I’ve decided to whip out the ol’ TVgasm laptop and liveblog all the fun. So far, the televised offerings have been pretty sweet. A Wilfred Brimley ad here, a Mandy Patinkin ad there. I can’t even imagine what the afternoon has in store for me. Hopefully it will bring respite from the hyper rumpus room that is this flight (there are so many loud, annoying kids on this plane, I think I’m gonna strain my neck from all the passive aggressive stares I’ve been hurling at the parents). But anyway, let’s accentuate the positive: TV on an airplane! Yay!11:44 AM
Okay, I’ve been watching TV for about an hour now (lengthy delay on the tarmac), but only now have I finally been able to bust out the laptop. Can’t wait. I’ve really wanted to make fun of Matlock on TV Land for a while now. Eh, I can do better. Let’s see what else is on.
Bravo – Blow Out. This show is ridiculous. In a good way. First of all, Jonathan is in therapy talking about seeing “a new girl.” And by “new girl”, he mans “burly man with a mustache.”
Jonathan lounges in bed with his girlfriend. I forget her name, but I think it’s “Beard.” Hey, he has the same Ikea bowls as me. I feel honored.
Stupid Kimberly Caldwell is grasping for her 15th minute of fame as she enters the salon to get her nasty bleached hair fixed. She’s quite lucky. After all, everyone’s been comparing Jonathan to Van Gogh for the past hour. Does this mean he’ll be cutting off a body part? I hope so. I’m thinking… head?
Hey parents. SHUT YOUR KIDS UP.
Ooh, we’re at 35,000 feet and over Las Vegas. Okay, be quiet pilot and let me watch TV.
ESPN – Bowling Night. Semi-finals. Inferno host Dave Mirra bowls with Terrell Owens, Damon Jones, Willis McGahee, and Dwayne Wade. Remind me again why he wastes time with The Miz and Veronica?
T.O. gets a strike. Exactly which sport can’t he kick ass at?
BBCA – Ah, inaccessible British comedy. That’s right, Are You Being Served?. Or is it Have You Been Served?. I’m hoping that Dame Judi Dench shows up again soon. I caught her briefly about forty five minutes ago and have had an erection ever since.
Mariah’s on MTV crooning “We Belong Together.” Eric Roberts looks on sadly as the diva runs off with the guy from Prison Break. Why is Eric Roberts in every single music video these days?
Uh, here comes Real World: Austin. Been there, done that.
Surreal Life preview. Very very excited about this next season. So many great washed up stars. Oooh, and like T.O., they’re bowling too! With mentally challenged kids! Ah, and here’s the famous Omarosa/Janice Dickenson fight. This is going to be amazing. Who is Caprice, by the way?
Omarosa and Janice are still going at it. “You’re the one who begged me for an apology, BITCH!” screams Janice. Sunday can’t come soon enough.
Okay, Sharon the flight attendant is here with my tasty beverage. Must put the laptop away momentarily.
Ooooh, Sharon with the fakeout. No beverage yet. Speaking of food and drinks, let’s check out the Food Network. That greasy chef from Kitchen 911 is on right now. I must have just missed Rachel Ray. Earlier, my new favorite Food Channel vixen was on. I don’t know her name, but I think it’s Giada. You know the one. She hosts Everyday Italian. She’s got an oversized Natalie Portman head and little skinny arms. Yeah, she’s a sexy bitch.
Why Mandy Patinkin, so nice to see you again. Tell me more about cholesterol.
Nickelodeon — Jimmy Neutron. This shit is creepy. America’s youth is doomed.
GSN — Lingo! My fave! Best modern gameshow. It even has a stupid British woman at a computer who does nothing but fake type. That’s pretty awesome. WAIT A SECOND! I know one of the contestants!!! Jessica!!! HA!!!
Jessica just got the correct word. Way to go! But her partner Scott pulled a red lingo ball. Douchebag.
Chuck Woolery has Atkins-ed off all his portly charm. I think he needs to make a Love Connection with some pizza. Zing!
Another correct word for Jessica! Time for Stacy the British girl to do her job and say, “And here we go!” WELL DONE, STACY!
It’s official: Jessica’s going to the bonus round. Oh, and my chocolate chip cookie has arrived.
Match Game is coming up next, which would be appropriate because the guy next to me is wearing a red kerchief around his neck like frequent panelist, Charles Nelson Reilly.
Bonus round is on: Jessica is way better than her partner. I especially like that she just said “Crack.”
Victory! Jessica just won several thousand dollars. And heeeere’s Stacy! I love how she just comes out of nowhere and nestles into Chuck Woolery’s bosom. Well, that’s it for Lingo. Ah, but apparently Jessica is in some Lingo Tournament of Champions. Exciting.
Match Game is on, and as expected, Charles Nelson Reilly (a.k.a. the guy next to me) is on the panel.
FX — I don’t know what the hell this is, but about five people including Robin Tunney are falling off a mountainside. Hmmm… Chris O’Donnell’s part of this chaos as well. Must be Vertical Horizon. Actually, that’s a band, isn’t it? Is it Vertical Limit? I don’t know, but this scene is so obviously shot on a soundstage. Those indoor echoes kind of tip me off.
Chris O’Donnell just cut his dad free to save his life. Heh. And now it’s three years later in the Himalayas. Chris O’Donnell is taking pictures of mountain lions. His assistant drops a roll of film. Ooooh! Falling film! Much like a falling father! Tense memories of a hiking trip gone bad! Uh oh, and now the assistant has tripped and fallen over. God, what DOESN’T fall in this movie?
The girl in the window seat just had to get out to go pee-pee. I shot her the “I hate you” look. But then I felt bad and flashed the “Oh no, it’s okay. I don’t mind!” smile.
A woman named Raghida Dergham babbles on MSNBC. She’s kind of like the human version of a springer spaniel.
The kid behind me needs to be gagged.
Ah, back to Blow Out. After a quick stop at ESPN (they’re still bowling — Damon Jones is in the lead) and LiveMap (I’m over Colorado), I’ve returned to Bravo. Oh, and I just tripped a guy in the aisle. Sweet.
Kelly Preston tells us “I used to use my fingers for microderm-abrasion at home.” Is that Scientology for “masturbation”?
Blow Out again. Jonathan’s sister Robin appears on screen. She looks exactly like Jonathan, and for a woman, that’s not an attractive thing.
“All I wanted to do was get back on track and rock out the Pussycat Dolls,” says Jonathan, adding, “And then maybe make out with some guys.”
Shapiro/Grodner produces Blow Out? Man, I love them.
Time for my favorite crack-a-licious couple, Bobby and Whitney! It’s a rerun from last week though, so I’m not gonna watch. I didn’t see last night’s episode though. I’ll be back here in half an hour.
Hey, did you hear? Hurricane Dennis is on the way. Or as Fox News’s headline says, “HERE COMES DENNIS!” Wow, they are really happy about this. It’s almost like Hurricane Dennis just won American Idol.
GSN — Family Feud. My favorite game show. This episode is from the Richard Dawson years. Also known as the most fashionable era of television EVER.
Richard asks: “Name something they say to you in a doctor’s office.” Some girl answers, “When’s your next appointment?” What the? You are an IDIOT!
Amazing Race coming to GSN. Never saw the first two seasons. So excited…
Holy shit. I’m watching a Nutri-System commercial and is that… Zora from Joe Millionaire? I thought she was a simple farm girl. What’s she doing hawking diet supplements? She does look thinner though.
Richard calls up the next duo. “Name something the US imports a lot of.” The guy says “Cars.” Good answer. It’s number 2. Now it’s his opponent’s turn. She says… “calculators.” Yes, calculators are the number one import. Apparently in the ’70s cars relied on calculator fuel instead of OIL.
Okay, someone just said “transistor radios.” Calculators? Transistor Radios? Is this the United States of Geek?
Name a famous Jerry: “Jerry and the Pacemakers”. Oh HIM! Of course!
I have now tripped three people in the aisle.
Food Network — It’s Giada! She’s back! Let’s see what this sexy bitch wants to cook up today. But wait, Bobby and Whitney is on. What do I do? I don’t know if I can deny GIADA DE LAURENTIS!
“I’ll add some salt to the water. I like to add it before, but sometimes I forget so I’ll add it after.” YOU DO THAT.
Giada cooks some “spicy, spicy pork sausage.” What a slut.
Oh, Bobby and Whitney is a repeat of last week’s again anyway. Hell to the no! Back to Giada!
En route to Food Channel, I momentarily stop at VH1 Classic, which is showing Carly Simon in all her “Let The River Run” glory: toothy, hairy, and full of shoulder pads. I’m coming back Giada! I’m coming back!
Oooh. Giada’s gonna jazz up a mixed green salad. I eagerly await!
I could listen to Giada say “Ciabatta” all day long.
SWEET. I just tripped the flight attendant. I swear, I’m not doing this on purpose.
Giada’s so sexy when she uses that hand mixer, but too much Giada can be a bad thing. It’s time that we part, my lovely.
The Fixx sing “Secret Separation” on VH1 Classic. The only reason I know this song is because it’s one of those lesser tracks the record labels sneak in on compilation CDs. I’m saying T minus three weeks before these guys show up on Hit Me Baby One More Time.
Okay, people. Some basic rules. If you’re watching TV on a plane and feel the need to comment on something, take the headphones OFF. The entire cabin does not need to hear your inarticulate observations.
Back to Vertical Limit. Bill Paxton has joined forces with Robin Tunney to help this film reach new levels of blandness. With any luck, Madeleine Stowe and Bill Pulman will show up too. How did I ever miss this movie?
Guess what? Chris O’Donnell just fell FOR NO REASON!
Robin Tunney has decided to cross an ice bridge. And guess what? SHE FELL!
A girl is coming to save Chris O’Donnell, who just happens to be dangling from a ledge by an ice pick. Wow, it’s been 45 seconds and no one has fallen. Odds on the girl falling: 3 to 2.
Oh wait, it’s not Chris O’Donnell. Just some guy. Okay, he’ll be dead shortly. Uh, as I type, the girl and the guy have fallen. Oh, and Robin Tunney just fell AGAIN (in a completely different scene).
Hey jackass in the seat next to me. Keep your elbows out of my space. I’m typing here.
Robin Tunney is up again! Good girl!
Okay, now an explosive (what the?) just fell. Oh, and there goes Robin Tunney again.
Explosion you say? Well, here’s the avalanche! The guy who had been dangling off the cliff? Well, he had gotten back up. But the avalanche caused him to, you guessed it, fall.
Okay, some girl who had been clinging to the side of a cliff just survived AN AVALANCHE. This movie is ridiculous. But awesome.
GROSS! A woman’s hand is so frozen, she didn’t even notice her partially severed finger tip. Even worse, Chris O’Donnell just tricked her into talking about Paris and then SURPRISE! ripped off her finger. Asshole. Don’t you just hate the old Parisian Finger Rip?
A Russian official in a little office looks at a wall. I shit you not, he just fell over.
Okay, apparently all these climbers have been carrying around nitro that happens to explode in sunlight. Well, that’s always smart when climbing a mountain. What’s next? Cobras in their underwear?
Two guys are sitting in the shade. One of them has a flask of water. He gives it to the other guy. IT FALLS.
By the way, that nitro blew up. EVERYONE’S falling now.
An old lady just hit my foot. She did not, however, trip.
Uh oh. Laptop reaching the end of its battery power. FYI – Bill Pullman [ed. note - I meant Paxton] just killed a guy. I think it was Alessandro Nivola. And um, some people are punching each other AND falling.
Enough of this silliness. Last night’s episode of Being Bobby Brown is on. Whitney has a sweet-ass fro, and she’s fighting with Bobby. Oh and their daughter is caught in the middle. Wonderful! Maybe some crack will lighten up the situation.
Yikes! Turbulence. I should probably put the laptop away. The battery’s dying anyway. It’s been fun! Bye!
So here’s what I didn’t get to blog about: