There has been something happening on CBS this season.
Something of a Les Moonves Christian agenda has been emerging as casting of bible beaters to reality tv seemed to be on the rise.
Well, my suspicions were confirmed this morning when I got to my computer and found an email from Jesus in my inbox.
What follows has not been altered, forged or otherwise tampered with. We would like to thank Dan Rather and CBS for helping to uncover this document.
Date: Wed, 22 Sep 2004 01:52:43 EDT
Subject: Dad damn, Im annoyed
First of all, I have to give you big ups to your wonderful website. Your hysterical articles really help get me up in the mornings.
But now to the meat of why I am writing in.
I wanted to defend myself. Recently I have been brought into the spotlight on the CBS network and used as an unwitting participant in both THE AMAZING RACE and BIG BROTHER 5.
I would like to state publicly at no time in the past few months have I spoken to any of the houseguests (namely Adria, Natalie and Drew). I gotta tell you I was pissed, I came home after a long day of appearing in a coffee stain in Arizona, physically drained when Adolf tells me to check my TiVO (no not that Adolf). I turn on the Tivo only to hear Adria giving some load about me telling her who to choose to put on the block and vote for. I have 100′s of Latino witnesses who can prove I was busy all that day in a coffee stain, and would have had no time to tell Adria who to pick. And if I did I would have suggested she put herself up for appearing in a show like that. I mean, my dad doesn’t have too many hard and fast rules, 10 to be exact, and only 7 things to avoid yet she is showcasing one of them on that show, GREED! Her using me as some sort of leverage that night really pissed me off, but once I took my Ambien, put on my eye covers and got in my Posturepedic mattress, I really got over the whole issue.
However, the one couple who really tugged at my short and curlies, I didn’t even know about until recently. I had been busy answering a lot of letters from Florida and Georgia over the past few weeks (save my house this..don’t let me die that) and I hadn’t really had much time to watch the Amazing Race. But, I figured since it won an Emmy I should check it out.
Nothing feels better than having millions of people look up to you. Deify you even. Mel Gibson even made a movie about me!! FREAKIN MAD MAX IS A FAN OF MINE!?!? How cool is that! Those are the caliber of people I wanna chill with. So you can understand my frustration when CBS paraded two of the lamest people all across the globe giving me my propers. I mean, you know when you like a band, and then your parents start listening to them, suddenly you don’t like them as much? Yeah well Brandon and Nicole, Mr. And Mrs. Vanilla themselves, gallivanting throughout Russia saying things like “Shucky Darn” and “Golly” really make me look like a punk. And the way they kept crediting me for enforcing my will on letting them advanceâ€¦Oy vey. I assure you it was pure luck. Once I got all caught up and realized I needed to have them lose, I called Les Moonves who was in a meeting with a fallen former co-worker of mine, so I had to take things in my own hands.
It is for that reason that Brandon and Nicole came in third. I would have taken them out number four, but the bowling twin’s mom’s voices just bugged me too much.
Anyways, that’s all. I just didn’t like being misrepresented and used like that all season. To be honest, I was planning on having Michael “Cowboy” Dedmond win BB5, but there’s this chick here who thinks Drew is just dreamy, so I tried to do her a solid. Of course she still won’t answer my calls. But that’s not your concern.
Thanks for giving me the forum to vent my frustration, and remember there is a big difference between being a spiritual religious human being, and being a manipulative bastard who uses religion and fear to push forward a personal, political agenda and justify decisions without actually taking personal responsibility.
Take that as you will,