Monday Afternoon Liveblog

It’s Monday. I have nothing to do. No lingering recaps I need to address. No noteworthy news items to write up. No random celebrity sightings to report. So what better way to pass the time than by watching TV? It’s as honorable a past time as any other activity, right? It’ll be like flying JetBlue — except instead of being on a plane, I’ll be sitting at my desk, quietly wishing some random stewardess would come by and offer me chocolate chip biscotti. Hey, it could happen.12:03 PM
The Maury Povitch Show. Some angry woman is complaining that her boyfriend Darwin has been cheating on her. For three years, she’s been finding condoms, lipstick, and other damning pieces of evidence all over the place. Oh, and one time, she found Darwin in a hotel room after a friend tipped her off. And now she’s saying that one time, he left the house to go to the store and came back four days later. Oh no he di’int! Girlfriend, you better find a better man! But seriously, you’re a complete idiot if you’re still hanging around this guy.

12:07 PM
Darwin comes on stage and reveals that those condoms in his car were from the “clinic.” Well, that proves it! Total fidelity!

12:08 PM
My brain has suddenly rotted away to half its size after watching just eight minutes of Maury Povitch. Must… change… channel…

12:09 PM
Yay! Wilfred Brimley! He’s talking about Liberty Medical. And he’s alive! Who knew?

12:13 PM
Oxygen has Grace Under Fire on. Did people ever watch this show? How did it get on the air? Oh, I forgot. Brett Butler is a comedic GENIUS. Clearly.

12:14 PM
Moving into other women’s television territory, I find myself at Lifetime which is showcasing seminal thriller, Stranger in My Bed. According to the DirecTV description, this cinematic masterpiece is about a woman who endangers her life when she fakes her own death to leave her abusive and jealous husband. Because we’ve never seen that on Lifetime. I wonder if this heroine ultimately finds peace and tranquility — and yet a sense of purpose and empowerment. Only time will tell!

12:23 PM
Ah yes. My favorite news channel produced by the local high school A/V Club: Current TV! Presently we’re witnessing a wild exposé about Texas. “What does Cowboy Up mean?” asks the vapid girl posing as a journalist. This is only the first of many hard-hitting questions such as “Where is ‘Down yonder’?” and “So how many people does ‘y’all’ encompass?” Our intrepid journalist is also amazed by such wacky language as “You betcha” and “You’re doggone right.” Congratulations, Al Gore. You’ve made a news channel of IDIOTS.

12:29 PM
“You gotta respect a state that makes a cheesecake in its own image,” says idiot reporter girl as she bites into a slice of cheesecake that looks like, you guessed it, Texas. You know what else you gotta respect? PEOPLE WHO AREN’T IDIOTS.

12:31 PM
The Texas story is finally over. Now we’re seeing the top ten most clicked-on headlines on Google. Great. “Tom, Katie, and Suri Doing ‘Beautifully’” is #2. Wow, I feel so informed. I’m going to walk around and tell people that. I’m sure people will be really fascinated.

12:38 PM
Oooh! Channel 18 has a movie called Bad Housewife on. This should be exciting.

12:38 PM
Just my luck. Bad Housewife is in Mandarin. And yet, it’s sort of awesome all the same. From what I can tell, a woman — possibly the bad housewife in question — is facing a panel of men. She’s rubbing her hands and… oh, scene is over. Now some guy is eating rice at a restaurant. A matronly woman/waitress is bantering with him. I think she just kicked him out of the restaurant. Bad housewife? How about BAD WAITRESS.

12:40 PM
By the way, Bad Housewife is amazing. I’ve never seen a guy look so forlorn to be cut out of a restaurant. He literally just walked the streets in slow motion, occasionally looking up to the heavens as if to ask, “WHYYY???” Sounds like somebody didn’t get his fortune cookie.

12:41 PM
A guy and his wife are watching TV. Well, actually, he’s watching TV. She’s babbling on the phone. They should rename this Chatty Housewife. Zing!

12:42 PM
Husband and wife are fighting! Husband is so mad, he has to leave and go to a bar. I kid you not, the Asian version of Weird Al Yankovic is the bartender. The Asian male perm is a many splendored thing.

12:46 PM
Random mambo music comes on, and we cut to commercial. I immediately have an epileptic seizure. Seriously, you should see this shit. Pausing to get screen captures…

CRAZY. Yet awesome.

12:54 PM
I can’t be sure exactly of what the hell is going on here in Bad Housewife, but the housewife in question is super happy! So happy that she’s scooped up her child and spun her around. Doesn’t she know that’s dangerous? Bad Housewife indeed!

12:56 PM
Gross! I just changed the channel and stumbled upon a commercial. This sweet, affable lady in her late thirties walks through some white draperies and says, “I love being clean!” Naturally, I assume this is a commercial for Downy or Tide. But no. This is what she actually says: “I love being clean; so I use Super Colon Cleanse to keep me regular every day. Super Colon Cleanse: feel clean from the inside out!” Super Colon Cleanse? Well, at least it’s better than Rectum-Be-Free.

1:15 PM
Phone call. Of course. And right when I was about to liveblog Paula’s Home Cooking. Oh well. Now it’s time for lunch. More liveblogging in a bit…

2:27 PM
Okay, back from lunch. For all those wondering — Quiznos. I tried that prime rib sandwich they’ve been trying to push recently. All I have to say: delicious. I highly recommend it for all you Quiznos fans out there. Anyhoo, back to TV.

2:29 PM
Ah yes. My favorite grand dame of the Food Network: Ina Garten of The Barefoot Contessa. She’s just revealed to us that the parsley she just chopped was in fact much easier than the mint she had chopped just seconds before. Another fascinating glimpse into the world of Ina.

2:30 PM
Damnit, Ina’s done. Now Sandra Lee is on TV. She says that her sister is going off on a second honeymoon, which means she’ll be in charge of her nephews for a whole week. Way to go, sis. Nothing says “Social Services” like leaving your children with Aunt Sandy and her pitcher of “Beer Margaritas.”

2:34 PM
Passions. Seriously, what is with this show?

2:35 PM
Now on Montel. A woman talks about how she was sexually molested by her cousin for two years. Hilarious!

2:36 PM
I’ve now stumbled onto a British educational show called Crash! Bang! Splat!, and no, it doesn’t focus on the career arc of the Spice Girls (rimshot). Two British kids are doing some weird arts and crafts exercise. I’m not really sure what they’re supposed to be learning, but I think we can safely assume it has nothing to do with dental care.

2:40 PM
A little kid is now instructing us to cut up a sponge, spread some waterproof petroleum jelly on it, and then add water. Sadly, this is actually a popular British lunch treat.

2:56 PM
The Travel Channel boldly heads into Dollywood — also known as the most embarrassing theme park of all time. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with Dollywood, per se, but seriously, could you in good faith walk into your office and announce that you just went to Dollywood over the weekend and expect no one to laugh at you?

3:17 PM
Had to pause to write up the Desperate Housewives/Passions post. Now I’m back to TV. Reader Jumpcut has suggested I head over to KDOC-TV for a Mission Impossible rerun, but sadly, I don’t have that channel. Plus, do I really need to feed the Mission Impossible publicity frenzy any further? Instead, I decide to indulge my masochistic urges by turning to That’s So Raven. It’s official: any parent that lets their kids watch this dreck should be smacked upside the head with a corn husker. I’m sorry. That’s so mean. Nay, that’s so RAVEN.

3:22 PM
Okay, so here’s the Raven situation. For whatever reason, she’s been chasing a wheel of cheese through her school’s ventilation system. Unfortunately, during a so very Raven impasse, she loses this nefarious cheese wheel, which is horrible because who wants to lose a cheese wheel in a metal duct? Like totally! Anyway, Raven eventually finds her cheese, but by then, it’s too late. It has rolled into a warm area and is now melting and bubbling, emitting a fowl odor that is certainly NOT very Raven. Well, Raven has to get rid of that cheese. What to do? There’s only one thing that Raven Simone can do: EAT. And so she gulps down the wheel of cheese in a display that’s probably not very different from her various late night snack binges. This is supposed to be a hilarious moment for Raven fans, but I find it amusingly tragic.

That really is so Raven.

Yes, it has come to this.

3:52 PM
Alas, real work beckons. I must end this liveblog. It’s been fun, and hopefully, I’ll be back doing it again next Monday. Adios…