You know the deal: Monday afternoon, kind of bored, watching TV. What better way to pass the time than with a liveblog?
Starting after the jump…12:05 PM
In honor of all the exciting immigration rallies today, I decide to hit up the news channels. First stop: CNN. A reporter named Juan Carlos Lopez describes the scene in Washington. I wish I could listen to what he’s saying, but I’m entirely too distracted by his Kermit The Frog voice. Note to CNN: don’t hire reporters that sound like Muppets.
Juan Carlos notes that he can hear babies crying because he’s in a park. Man, this is hard hitting journalism!
MSNBC. On this day of massive political activism, what’s MSNBC covering? Why, a wacky photo of some German dude who’s the World Champion Freestyle Beard of 2005. Funny, I thought that was Teri Hatcher. Rimshot!
Oh god. It’s not just a photo. Alison Stewart gets Phil Olsen on the phone, a.k.a. the founder of Beard Team USA. “How do you menfolk get your beards all twisted up like that?” Get this woman a Pulitzer!
I hope I look this sexy 30 years from now.
Twenty minutes in, and Alison Stewart’s sidekick mentions that hey, a big topic in the news today is immigration. Oh really? I didn’t realize. I thought it was the tragic state of American Beard competitions.
Time to check out Fox News. Sadly, there’s only a lame Verizon commercial on. Oh good. It’s over. Okay, the news is on. Apparently I’m watching a show called Studio B. The big topic of the day: Rush Limbaugh arrested! Does anyone still care about Rush Limbaugh? It’s not 1994 still, is it?
You know what? There’s only one place that can provide news that speaks to ME, a twentysomething youth floating in the informational morass that is cable TV. That’s right, Current TV. What, pray tell, does this network have to say about the immigration rallies? Uh… not much. That’s because Current is doing a scathing piece on… bikini-clad meter maids in Australia. Yes, I’ll let that soak in for a moment.
All this channel surfing is making me hungry. Time for lunch.
Back from lunch. Well, actually, I got back about twenty minutes ago. I’ve since been sipping an iced tea and catching up with what’s happening on the Internets. Not much. Now it’s back to TV. Giada De Laurentiis is mixing some squishy sounding dish on the Food Network. Oh, it’s a lentil loaf. I never thought about it before, but if Giada were any sort of food, she’d definitely be a lentil loaf.
Giada has just announced that she’s adding her mother’s secret ingredient to the dish: tomato. Isn’t it sort of impossible for tomato to be a secret ingredient? Kind of obvious. I can just imagine eating at her house. “Hey, what’s this sweet, red ingredient on top of your lentil loaf?” IT’S A SECRET!
Giada says that portabella mushrooms are the largest of the cultivated mushrooms. Much in the same way that Giada’s head is the largest of the cultivated heads. Parallelism!
Uh oh. Giada just tried her lentil loaf, and it did NOT go over well. Looks like another Giada disaster. I gotta do a photo recap of this…
One internet shortage later, I can finally get back to liveblogging. Or at least I’ll try. My office has a tendency to overheat, which often leaves me drowsy and useless. Why don’t I turn the AC on? You don’t want to know. Let’s just say — politics. Back to TV. Let’s see… Ah, NFL Europe. It’s the Berlin Thunder at Rhein Fire. The showdown we’ve all been waiting for!
Passing through the channels, I find TV1 and Amen. Honestly, the most underrated TV theme song of all time. Oh shit! 227 is on now. I swear, I can’t get away from this show.
USA has a movie on called Foreigner 2: Black Dawn. For a moment, I think this is going to be some wonderful reunion between Lou Gramm and ’80s supergroup Foreigner, but alas, it’s just some dumb movie with Steven Seagal. What’s worse is that USA has decided to cram this widescreen pic into the regular TV size; so everyone is all narrow and squished. If there’s anything worse than Steven Seagal, it’s Steven Seagal at an unnatural aspect ratio.
What the hell? Martha Stewart is wearing the most bizarre balloon hat I’ve ever seen. Granted, Martha wearing any sort of balloon hat would be amusing, but this is just too ridiculous. And oh god… She’s fitted her audience with balloon hats too. The only thing that could make this scene any more ridiculous would be if Rosie Perez were to walk out. One second later: Rosie Perez walks out. I guarantee it will take only 5 seconds before Rosie’s laugh pops all the balloons.
This liveblog started off so promisingly — but between the internet outages and various other things landing on my desk, I’m not sure if it’s meant to be. So until next time…