My Big Fat Obnoxious Column

Two years ago, my old boss had a baby. Unlike many women, she didn’t take a lengthy maternity leave. Rather, she immediately came back to work to “produce film and television.” However, while she was busy trying to feel important and create crap..Im sorry…cinema, her young remained at home with her newly hired, and overpriced, “Mexican mommy” and sans a teat from which to suckle the sweet nectar of life.

So, instead of taking time out of the day to go home and feed her filthy rich spawn, a future acquitted rapist or drug addict no doubt, my boss chose to stay at work and have a machine squirt juice from her top-fat bags into tiny little clear plastic packets, which she would then put in the office fridge next to the food which we all would eat.

Oh but the fun didn’t stop there. When it came time to getting the packets of liquid life to the child, she asked me, a college graduate, to deliver it to her son. Yes, we have couriers who run scripts back and forth, sure we have interns who we use for virtually everything, but no…this was a job for me. And as I drove the breast milk, cleverly concealed in a manila envelope, I couldn’t help but wonder why I needed 2 degrees from a credited university to be a tit-juice delivery boy. For me that moment defines what a big fat obnoxious boss is. Though FOX would disagree, putting less of a pity party spin on it and more of a spin of absolute hilarity.Though last nights ratings will reflect otherwise, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss was a juggernaut of comedy. Basically an unabashed spoof of “The Apprentice”, Boss initially left me impressed with the production quality but a little miffed by the creative element.

In My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, they spoofed the dating show, but gave it its own strong element, its own spin, much like For Love or Money, Joe Millionaire or Average Joe. It was its own show. Boss however is merely a spoof. A funny, strong, very well done spoof…with one potentially wicked lame twist.

In Boss, it is beat by beat a spoof, naysayer’s will use terms like “rip-off”, to The Apprentice. And, it is. Which I must admit, initially turned me off. I was hoping for a little but more creativity from the Rocket Labs who are pioneers of taking an old concept, completely shaking it up, and selling it as new. Once I was able to get past, the fact that it was a reality SNL sketch, I could sit back and enjoy it for what it was. So what is it?

Imagine if you will “The Apprentice” only really real. A business world where lies, espionage, sabotage, and other cool spy terms are praised and encouraged rather than scoffed and discouraged. 12 alleged “type A” personalities are gathered. Ya know, real go getters and each of them is vying for a job on the board of Iocor (Latin for Joker) Inc. In this series Mr. N. Paul Todd (an anagram for Donald Trump) is the reclusive billionaire who trumps over all. He is a lewd shrewd womanizing billionaire who is unapologetic and hesitates not a hair to brag about his many achievements. Which would be both scary and impressive, were it not for the fact that he is really just an actor whose financial security probably makes Joe Millionaire looks rich by comparison.

The potential of this fraud comes very quickly when the contestants are given a taste of the sweet life by consuming high end champagne and “food of the rich.” All the contestants went ape-shit over the incredible expensive food and champagne. So what was it they were noshing on? The champagne wasn’t a Dom or even a Crystal. This high end champagne, which elicited lip smackings and MMM’s was so high end, they didn’t mention the brand by name, most likely selfishly by the producers to help keep the cost on such a boutique-sipper lower. But they did indicate where one can acquire such a rare, expensive bottle of bubbly. Not in France or Italy. Not Germany or Tuscany. No, they could be found at a novel little winery in Chicago which goes by the name “local grocery store.” How quaint. And the Orderves..Whoredourves…Hourse Devorce….ummmm….and the finger food they were eating, the specialty pate’. Bologna, Spam, Mustard. Those were the key ingredients. But the dupes, so wanting to be a part of this rich mans world put any obscure meat in their mouth like they were Mandy Rake at prom. (This reference is undoubtedly hysterical to those who attended Thunderbird High School in 1996, and no one else).

Later came The Apprentice-style team challenge during which the two teams are put to the test to see who can turn the most profit. The challenge….panhandling. The men chose a moderately boring and deceiving tactic of holding signs saying “Help Chicago” and telling people their donations went to charity. While the girls rolled up their shorts until they were so high, their inner thigh had skin sideburns, and sold smiles until they realized they could make more by selling hugs, then had the brain child of performing sex acts for money. Wait, I fell asleep during part of this, so I’m not sure what actually happened and what I may just have dreamed up. For those who watched this, was there a part with a midget in yellow jumper fisting Michael Moore, saying “only four more years of this” while the girls team rolled around in oil? If not, then I’m not sure what happened until it was learned that the girls won by 22 bucks. Which segues nicely to the winner’s reward and loser’s punishment.

The losers were forced to spend the night under the subway overhead crossing in a “bum town” set up. Burning garbage would be their warmth, old tattered tents their shelter, and should they get hungry, they would have to shiv a passerby in the gut until they bleed out and at which point they could feed upon their flesh and consume their power. Though there may have been a craft service table. I woulda just got a stale donut.

The winners, were each rewarded with $10,000 which was stuffed into their mattress and along with good carcass would show them what it was to sleep how the rich slept. And oh yeah, that can’t keep the money. The ‘winners’ hated the lumps of cash on their sensitive derrieres. Hold just a moment while I try to give a shit. *pause* Nope don’t care. Don’t like these girls. As per noted in several previous posts, I don’t like pretty people, I don’t like pretty people who know their pretty, and I don’t like pretty people who know their pretty and feel entitled because of it like Mandy Rake!! Sorry, I got a little carried away.

Ultimately, the “boardroom” scene had a decent pay off in that the boss fired a person based not he fact that he didn’t like his suit. He came close to firing someone based on the idea that he was short. I loved it. I was rolling and laughing start to end and can’t wait for the rest of the season. Sadly, the ratings were such that they may consolidate the episodes and only air a few to get it on and off quickly. I encourage our Gasm readers to not only watch it but have their friends watch it as well. TV like this should be rewarded, not cancelled. but that’s just me.

Finally, I know I have seen one of these contestants before. I spoke to B-Side about it and he felt the same way, she looks familiar but we have no clue who she is.

All we know is her name is Elli. And she looks familiar. I am putting out an APB on this broad. If we can break stories on the illicit history of much of the BB5 cast, we can find this broad’s previous TV/Film experience.

Also, anyone else out there have any Obnoxious boss stories? Let me know and selected entries will be included in future Big Fat Obnoxious Boss column.

Send stories to madeyoulaugh@tvgasm.com