Which one will be Trump’s next wife?
Last night NBC ate up 2 hours of primetime with the always fascinating and disturbing Miss Teen USA pageant. While I couldn’t stomach actually watching the whole ordeal, I was interested in the proceedings because of the confluence of reality superstars. Oh… And the T&A. The problem with the T&A is that these were children for the most part. I enjoy attractive young women in bikinis as much as the next guy… However, hearing that Miss Idaho was all of 15 years old skeeves me out. And for any guy over 20 who isn’t skeeved by this? We’ll see you in jail… Or perhaps Big Brother 7.
But the ever-fearless Donald Trump doesn’t care. Yes, it is he who produces the pageant. By watching, I figured I’d get an inside scoop on future reality TV whores (and yes, I feel bad using that word) since so many seem to be “former beauty queens.” From Amazing Race to The Cut to I Want to be a Hilton to Top Model, “former beauty queens” run rampant. And in Baton Rouge last night, they ran free with impossible Vaseline smiles, taped-up butt cheeks, and painfully lifted bosoms. They ran and danced and scampered about, confirming every single cliche we have. This is where the Laguna Beachers bask and the Beauties still laugh at the Geeks.
Who is qualified to judge a girl who just got her drivers license on the merits of shiny hair and hair-free bodies? How about Kathy Hilton, who appeared to have just gotten a bootleg backstreet fresh shot of Botox? She plugged the finale of her god-awful show (airing tonight) and seemed to get stuck in a creepy shiny perma-smile that made her appear as though she was auditioning for a spot as an automaton on a Disney World ride. Kathy disappointed me further as she forgot to ask of the girls, “When you make illicit drunken sex videos, will you give the profits to help Third World hunger?”
Also judging was some guy who no one even knows. NBC, in an unprecedented bit of marketing, trotted out Tommy Lee’s roommate from his show that hasn’t aired yet. What the hell qualifies this kid to judge teenage girls? Other than maybe his reality TV roommate banged a lot of chicks? We never got that answer. On down the line we met John Ferriter, who is only notable as William Morris’ “Head of Nonscripted Television.” I can only assume he’s responsible for Kathy Hilton’s crapfest – so I refuse to believe that is his real name. Ahh, up next was the effervescent and beautiful Naima Mora, winner of the latest America’s Next Top Model. She was a vision in red (both J-Unit and I are big fans of her “work”) and smiled her lovely smile. Unfortunately, before we could enjoy our Naima moment, they swung to the next judge – a giant toad:
Ugh, not only is Lou Pearlman responsible for forcing O-Town, N-Sync, and the Backstreet Boys down our collective throat, his current protoge is Aaron Carter. The very same Aaron Carter who sang during the pageant – actually, “sang” is not the right word… More like “warbled and screeched.” Hey Aaron, dude, you’re becoming a man. Didn’t you ever see that Brady Bunch when Peter’s voice changed? Quit now.
In the end, Miss Ohio took the crown and cried and shook and all that goofy stuff these pageant girls do. Good for her – and even better for the dork with the next name alphabetically in her chemistry class come September. Bastard!