Official TVgasm Cat Reality Show Preview

Miscellaneous TV

By B-Side | Tuesday, June 13, 2006 | 4:47 pm | 19 Comments

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This Friday, Animal Planet will debut the first ever all-cat reality show, and I couldn’t be more excited. Granted, it will only be a few minutes long, and yes, there will be no drunken shouting matches, but I’m sure the drama will be far more compelling than anything we’ll see on America’s Got Talent. In honor of this momentous televised event, I’ve decided to throw together a preview of this season’s cast. Full rundown after the jump…

Bambi Bambi

Let’s keep this simple. Bambi is the slut of the gang. She acts all coy and innocent, but as soon as the lights go off, she’ll be crawling into each and every other cat’s bed. And let’s not overlook the potential for some hot lesbian action in the hot tub. We can probably count on naive Belle to help out with that. The other girls in the house will certainly hate her, but Bambi will probably just write them off as jealous. Look for plenty of cat fights with this one.
Belle Belle

Belle is your typical, just-off-the-turnip-truck ingenue. In other words, the virgin. She’s never had sex, she’s never seen a gay cat before, and she’s never even tried catnip. But that’s all about to change. Belle’s gonna learn new things about new cultures, and at first, her journey will be kind of endearing, but eventually, it will just get annoying. Especially when one of the male cats tries to make his move on her. I anticipate that she’ll get high on catnip for her birthday, at which point Sam or Romeo will make out with her. Molly will then gossip about it all over the house.
Cisco Cisco

Cisco is undoubtedly the playa of the house. He’s a ladies man and will do what it takes to get some fresh bootay every night. Additionally, he’s vigilantly proud of his ethnicity, sometimes to a fault. Expect Cisco and Belle to have many heated discussions about race and stereotypes. Also, Cisco is a proud spoken word poet and freestylist. He’s hoping to parlay his exposure on this show to a regular gig on Def Feline Poetry Slam
Ellis Ellis

Ellis is your typical local yokel from the remote corners of Texas. He grew up on a farm and believes in discipline, hard work, and morals. But when he gets that catnip in him, you better watch out. He’ll probably be the one to say something accidentally racist about black cats and will most likely gross out the house when he drunkenly misses the litter box when peeing. But his charm will get him far, and his capacity to learn might make him the unlikely star of the season.
Jo Jo

Jo is the oft depressed artiste / sometimes lesbian who would rather hang out by herself and drink coffee than go out to the “frat” bars with everyone else. She’s pensive and introspective — and frequently misunderstood. Even though she tends to be quieter than the rest, Jo still manages to stir up trouble with her passive-aggressive comments. Plus, her penchant for talking shit about everyone behind their backs will certainly lead to a massive confrontation. She can’t stand Sam and all that he stands for, but they will bond one night after he accompanies her to an art show. She’ll realize that he’s not the simpleton she always thought him to be and maybe, just maybe, she’s been the most shallow all along. Oh, and Jo really likes Natalie Merchant.
Molly Molly

Molly is the high maintenance bitch / attention-whore who likes to think she’s the raciest, most sexually liberated girl in the house but will go the entire season without hooking up once. As a result, her deepest insecurities will emerge — especially when Sam rejects her sexual advances. The only way for her to deal with these frustrations and embarrassments will be to turn them into bitchy rage, and she’ll spend the second half of the season starting fights with everyone, particularly Sam who she’ll write off as an egotistical jerk. Molly will also yell at anyone who touches her scratching post.
Opry Opry

The sensitive gay guy who doesn’t want to be labeled as “The Gay Guy,” but will be anyway because he’ll be spending so much time educating people like Ellis and Belle about homosexuality. The first episode, he’ll try not to mention his sexual orientation, but eyebrows will be raised when he reaches for Fancy Feast instead of Meowskers. He’ll talk a lot about how he’s from the South where being a gay cat isn’t really accepted, and how his mom accepts him, but his dad is still dealing with it. Then, later in the season, his parents will visit, and Opry will be impressed with how “okay” they were with his lifestyle. Look for him to get into a few fights with Molly.
Romeo Romeo

Don’t let the romantic name fool you. Romeo is the asshole of the house. The only thing he cares about is himself. He always leaves a messy litterbox, he’ll scratch anything, and he doesn’t care if he keeps the other cats up late with his catnip parties. He know he can get away with anything because he’s always been the most handsome cat in the room. What no one knows is that he does have a sensitive side. His little brother suffers from Feline Autism, and his single mother has to tend to him all by herself. Romeo will be this season’s biggest puzzle.
Sam Sam

Sam is just your typical, All-American sort of cat. Everyone loves him, he’s good at everything, and he’s a natural star. He also has a girlfriend back at home that he talks to on the phone, but they seem to be on the outs. He wants a break to be able to “experience this opportunity with no strings,” but she’s not ready to let go, even though she says she is. Expect lots of annoying fights on the telephone with these two (followed by drunken conversations where Sam apologizes and says he loves her). Things will be awkward when Sam’s girl visits, and Bambi will have to act like she and Sam haven’t been hooking up every night. One word: night vision.
Zen Zen

Zen is the typical, bland free-spirit. He tries to be really deep, but honestly, he’s just full of bullshit. He just wants to be on TV like all the other cats. He will quickly fall into the background.
About

19 Comments

  1. 1
    WDWBelle
    Posted June 13, 2006 at 5:15 pm

    Opry is gay?? Damn. Why are the good-looking ones always married or gay? Good job B-Side, although some may feel you have been spending a little bit too much time looking at kitties. ;-)

  2. 2
    mistichristi
    Posted June 13, 2006 at 5:22 pm

    Hee, Hee, can’t wait to funny! You can totally tell Bambi’s a slut. Go Zen! (I just love bland free spirits!)

  3. 3
    zoobabe
    Posted June 13, 2006 at 6:25 pm

    That Romeo is a real looker! Why do I always fall for the assholes?

  4. 4
    the_canuck
    Posted June 13, 2006 at 7:03 pm

    Cisco is hands-down the ugliest cat I’ve seen in my entire life.

  5. 5
    hannahthehun
    Posted June 13, 2006 at 7:19 pm

    This is so weird. I think I went to high school with Belle.

  6. 6
    Tabby Lavalamp
    Posted June 13, 2006 at 10:02 pm

    There are several pages devoted to Sam at smokinggun.com…

  7. 7
    zevonia
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 1:58 am

    Wow. It looks like they found the feline equivalent of every person whose ever appeared on a reality show- especially The Real World. Who knew cats were this catty?

  8. 8
    mellymel
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 3:42 am

    As an owner of 2 black male cats, where is the token black cat? You can’t have a reality show without a token.

    (Its only a joke so dont get offended) Every group has a token, even TVgasm does. Why do you think B-Side is here.

  9. 9
    BatesMotel
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 5:42 am

    Speaking of tokens, no tailless cats. I will have to warm my Manxies that they will not have any role models on this show.

    I have been waiting on this and BB. Tivo is set and ready. Thanks for the informative recap.

  10. 10
    lynturn
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 7:23 am

    Meow!

    Malcolm, my beloved BLACK domestic short hair, is all revved up with anticipation. He has hidden the remote and will not let me near the tv.

  11. 11
    Ubiquitous
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 8:18 am

    TCFC!

  12. 12
    holyterror
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 9:15 am

    I like Opry. He seems sensitive and sincere, and probably won’t poop in inappropriate locations no matter how dirty his box is.

  13. 13
    Tracie
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 11:45 am

    Mellymel, I also noticed the lack of black cat representation. Or hairless. Oh well. My two cats will be watching…good thing the show isn’t too long, they have short attention spans.

  14. 14
    antebellum
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 12:01 pm

    I hope Animal Planet doesn’t think this is diverse. We need a black cat as some have said, as well as a Siamese. Bambi really does look like she’d be a slut from that picture, it’s hilarious. And personally, I prefer Ellis over Romeo.

    You know if this were MTV, they’d be stocking that house with as much catnip as those cats could handle. Oh my God, that would be awesome.

  15. 15
    jelliepair
    Posted June 14, 2006 at 12:25 pm

    For your viewing pleasure – Live Webcam of the Meow Mix House – (dont ask me how I know this – its embarassing)

    http://meowmixhouse.com/webcamsite.html

  16. 16
    James
    Posted November 22, 2007 at 4:28 am

    Gear up for grub with a tripleheader of pigskin, including a meeting of brothers in Dallas. Everybody knows it’s been a rough year for her, but find out who else had issues

  17. 17
    James
    Posted November 26, 2007 at 5:29 am

    The comic visited the land for the first time in decades to promote his anRrpWTYnkmcou new animated movie about bees, and he was treated like royalty literally

  18. 18
    Betty
    Posted November 26, 2007 at 12:40 pm

    Taylor has a home in the Miami suburb of Palmetto Bay that he bought two years ago. The 24-year-old player is in HjJrFiZwfKpezK his fourth season with the Redskins after playing at the University of Miami, where he was an All-American in 2003

  19. 19
    Jennifer
    Posted November 26, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    Taylor has a home in the Miami suburb of Palmetto Bay that he bought two years ago. The 24-year-old player is in HjJrFiZwfKpezK his fourth season with the Redskins after playing at the University of Miami, where he was an All-American in 2003

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