Reality Blurred: TVgasm Parties with Big Brother 5 Cast, Feels Mild Guilt

Every now and then, the lines between audience and performer blur in Los Angeles, and sometimes it can be a little weird. You know, like when you spend an entire summer making fun of fourteen people and then you go to a party in their honor. Oy vey. Last night, the TVgasm staff attended the wrap party for Big Brother 5, and man was it interesting. On the whole, everyone was very friendly and eager to talk about the game. And by “talk about the game”, I mean bash Jase. Talk about a hated man. Half the house guests I spoke to didn’t even need any prodding to begin their attacks on Jase. We could be talking about the weather and they’d be like “Yes, it is a lovely night. Speaking of night, Jase is a terrible human being.” One cast member went so far as to say that his relationship with Holly is an act to divert attention away from his blatant homosexuality. Of course, we knew it all along. Cue the Scott & Jase video…Speaking of the aforementioned video, I spoke with a staff member who not only verified Jase’s worthlessness (seriously, everyone hated him) but told me that he’s seen the TVgasm creation and hates it. Apparently he wants to beat us up. I’m not even joking. Now, as much as Jase and his makeup, waxed eyebrows, summer scarf, and generally transvestite appearance cause me to laugh, he is much more jacked than me, and I therefore do not wish to engage in any sort of fisticuffs. Besides, all that hair gel could make weird stains in my clothing.

Scott, on the other hand, could not have been any nicer. The big oaf was looking a bit silly in a sleeveless getup and a train conductor hat, but at this point, he’s already established himself as a sartorial disaster; so none of this is news. At least he’s committed to his unique brand of Savage Chic. He said that he had no plans to move to Los Angeles, but then some casting people called him and yada yada yada we’ll be seeing him at Cabo Cantina in a few weeks. I asked him how the mandana sales were going (a genuine concern for me. I ghostwrite for Kerchief Lifestyles Magazine). Scott cringed and said that sales were not so good, and then he removed from his back pocket a lovely pink mandana. Yes, I was lucky enough to see the sacred garb that is Scott’s private bandana. What a champ. We like Scott.

Project DNA was in full force at the party. Literally. I ran into my cousin there. Aside from her, I met a flurry of cast members – Will, Drew, Nakomis, Marvin, Natalie, Adria – and talked with them for varying amounts of time. There really wasn’t much to say on that front. Marvin still has his stupid cigar (Marvin, if you’re reading this, please deal with your oral fixation in private), Will said his issues with the twins is water under the bridge, and Drew said “Thanks very much” (I told him congrats).

Amidst all this, partygoers swamped the cast members to wish them well, ask for autographs, or have their photos taken. Well, they swamped almost everyone. Jase and Holly had a conspicuous lack of followers hanging around them. Holly was looking pretty sexy in an ultra miniskirt, and she was toting an equally sexy friend in a similar ensemble. Jase, fyi, was wearing his same stupid outfit from the finale episode. I know you all care. I was just happy to see them ostracized.

I met Drew and Diane’s twins, Ben and Lindsay, both of whom were extremely friendly and solid conversationalists. One of the difficulties of the night was that while you could chit chat a little with the cast members, they in general were so the center of attention that I felt I was at a meet and greet, not a cocktail party. Go away people! I want them all to myself! Mwhahahaa!

Anyway, the point is that Ben and Lindsay were less in demand which meant I didn’t have to have another annoying conversation filled with questions like “So, how did it feel? Are you really that mad? What do you think about Jase? Can you elaborate on that please? What do you mean llama rectum?” and so on and so forth.

After a few hours, the producers dazzled us with a very funny gag reel which had all the quality of a normal Big Brother episode, except with cursing. Awesome! Julie Chen, returning to form with her six-pack soda yoke dress, hosted the gag reel which was a compilation of funny moments (mostly at Cowboy’s expense) and affable staff jokes. We learned that after a while in the house, Drew stopped having sexual dreams about Diane and instead started fantasizing about… socks. And not just a regular tube sock. I’m talking about a female sock puppet with a little wig and lipstick and button eyes. I’m not even making this up.

Perhaps the highlight of the gag reel though was Julie Chen, who ended the bit by saying “From the Big Brother household, I’m Julie Chen. Peace out.” Whaa? I know it was a gag reel, but man, that was really funny. It wasn’t over yet though. The camera lingered on her and she began to laugh, even throwing a mock gang sign to the crew. OH MY GOODNESS CHENBOT. Who let Julie have a sense of humor? That must be a new addition to the Chenbot 2004. It was honest to God the first time I’ve ever seen a flash of any true personality from the Chenster, and quite frankly, it made me scared. I needed to think things out, reexamine my life, or at least hit the buffet.

So that’s what I did, and that’s when I met Diane. Oh Diane. She was very cool. We hit it off. We chatted it up for ten or fifteen minutes. The poor girl hasn’t even seen any of the episodes (Will said he hadn’t either, which leads me to believe anyone on the jury is still in the dark about the majority of the house’s backstabbing). Diane was super eager to learn about the audience reactions and the Julie Chen interviews and how people came off and this and that. Apparently, no one had told her anything. Don’t worry, folks. I brought her up to speed as much as I could, and if I do say so myself, there’s no one better qualified to dish the dirt with a Big Brother 5 houseguest than a TVgasm writer. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back.

The good news for all you TVgasm readers is that Diane wants to contribute to the site. We’ll see if it pans out, but she seemed eager to read the recaps and at the very least see the Scott and Jase video. I warned her that we sort of, kind of, a little bit made fun of her too, but she just waved it all off with a big “whatever” gesture. Yes, we like Diane.

So that was basically the gist of my Big Brother 5 adventure. There are other less interesting details that I’ve left out in the spirit of not being the biggest poseur on the internet right now. I fear that this post may have been more gossipy than snarky and humorous, so I apologize. Madeyoulaugh has some very funny comments about his experience nabbing autographs, and I’m sure J-Unit’s forthcoming observations will be equally as entertaining.

And that is all.