St. Patrick’s Day Fun

Last year on St. Patrick’s Day, I had the pleasure of carrying on a drunken (and icy cold) conversation with the two queen bees of MTV, Veronica and Rachel. It was such a wonderful experience that I decided to go back to the same bar this year for St. Patty’s day, and sure enough, there was the expected crop of reality stars: Burton from Survivor, his girlfriend Brittney from America’s Next Top Model, Scott Long — he of the massive skid mark in last night’s Surreal Life, Jonny Fairplay — he of the massive turd in Kill Reality, and Toni Ferrari from, well, everything. As cool as it was to see all these luminaries in one place, the sad truth is that we’ve encountered this clan many, many times. In fact, we’ve documented our run-ins with them so many times, it would veer on stalker behavior to post any more pictures of them. But here’s the thing. Also at the bar was this old, trampy woman who not only had gigantic, fake breasts, but was wearing a skimpy “chain-blouse” to show off everything. It was a spectacle unto itself; so much so that people were actually taking pictures with her. And you know she loved it (thanks daddy issues!). Well, with a few beers in me and armed with my digital camera, who was I to deprive this once sexually abused woman from another injection of sweet, sweet attention? I hastily joined the crowd of pseudo-paparazzis and snapped a quick photo. A quick photo that juuuuust happened to feature Toni Ferrari, who was posing with this freak of nature as if she were Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. Sometimes, things just align perfectly in the TVgasm universe. Sort of like how about two minutes later, I discovered that the person I was drinking with was actually the famous narrator for Hell’s Kitchen. A St. Patty’s Day miracle!