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Friday, June 9, 2006
4:45 am
44 Comments
From the moment the first commercial aired, I looked forward to Oprah’s Legends Ball with a finely tuned mix of anticipation and nausea. The very idea set my heart aflutter: Oprah. Gayle. Maya Angelou. Soft focus. A weepy John Travolta. Diane Sawyer. It was clear this thing had enormous camp potential. Fortunately, I was in L.A. visiting B-Side and J-Unit last weekend, so we decided to sit down and watch this estrogen-tastic extravaganza at the TVgasm offices. And boy am I glad we did. A photo-laden, play-by-play account of this thoroughly enjoyable catastrophe after the jump.As the hour opens, Oprah sets the mood right away, greeting us from the enormous lawn of her estate in Santa Barbara, wearing a milkmaid’s dress of the finest chintz. She welcomes us warmly, asserting that this will indeed be a Very Special Evening. After all, she’s always wanted to honor the many African-American women whose bravery paved the way for people such as herself to start eponymous lifestyle magazines and give away Pontiacs on national television. We learn that the Legends Ball is no mere one-night affair but actually an ENTIRE WEEKEND OF LEGEND, encompassing an outdoor luncheon, a “glamorous white-tie gala,” and finally a “heart-bursting Sunday brunch”—which I imagine means it’s catered by Paula Deen.
Oprah fills us in on the backstory of the Legends Ball. She says the whole idea came about when… wait for it… wait for it… she forgot to invite Cicely Tyson to her birthday party. Great, way to lay the responsibility for this disaster on ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE CICELY TYSON. What are you gonna blame her for next? Watergate? The missing WMDs? The HOLOCAUST? Oprah then laments that she also failed to invite Ruby Dee to to her birthday. Ooh, the dreaded Ruby Dee snub. Is there no limit to Oprah’s social blundering?
Anyway, as a gesture of appreciation, Oprah resolves to invite both Cicely Tyson and Ruby Dee to lunch. And dinner. And apéritifs. And a heart-bursting Sunday brunch. And a soul-crushing tea and biscuits Sunday afternoon. Along with Kofi Annan. And Miss Cleo. And the whole cast of 227. B-Side points out that Cicely Tyson is renowned for her ensemble of ridiculous hats, so we may be treated to some of these later on. As it turns out, this prediction proves devastatingly accurate.
In the end, Oprah decides to invite a whole list of women who have influenced her. We’re treated to a montage of these invitees, including such luminaries as Lena Horne, Toni Morrison, Aretha Franklin, and Alice Walker. Ironically, as we soon find out, none of these women, you know, actually show up. Fortunately, some women later on the list—Diana Ross, Diahann Carroll, Tina Turner, Dr. Maya Angelou, Leontyne Price, Coretta Scott King, Della Reese, Gladys Knight, Patti LaBelle, and others—do in fact decide to attend. Oprah dubs this group of women “Legends.”
But Oprah promptly draws a LINE IN THE SAND and divides the landscape of black female luminaries into two camps: the aforementioned Legends, and then the “Young’uns”—those who followed in the Legends’ footsteps. The term “Young’un” apparently has nothing to do with age: after all, Oprah throws Phylicia Rashad into this group, and god knows Clair Huxtable is no spring chicken. Anyway, Oprah invites all these so-called Young’uns—Halle Berry, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Janet Jackson, Iman, Ashanti, Tyra Banks, Angela Bassett, and many others—to the party too.
Oprah finally succumbs to the stress of napkin ring selection
For those hoping we’d get at least ten minutes’ respite before any appearance by Oprah’s best friend, Gayle, or the mightily obnoxious “lifestyle guru” Colin Cowie, it was not to be. These two show up and obsess with Oprah over the minutiae of the party, repeatedly invoking Oprah’s mantra that “love is in the details.” Oprah wants party gifts. Oprah wants handmade invitations. Oprah wants napkin rings of the highest order. Oprah wants buttermilk chicken breast. Oprah wants a gazebo. Oprah wants champagne. Or are champagne and Naomi Campbell too dangerous a combination? These are the kinds of life-and-death issues we’re dealing with here. So this merry trio samples all sorts of sumptuous foodstuffs, peruses the finest silk tablecloths from the bazaars of Marrakech, and so on—apparently for an entire year, since that’s how long Oprah says the planning took.
Finally, we reach T-minus 24 hours until Das Legendsfest is supposed to begin. At this point, Oprah reveals her pièce de résistance of excess—a full-fledged trolley between her main house and the lawn/gazebo complex where the first luncheon will occur. Oprah is VERY excited about this trolley, standing up in it and screaming “I GOT A TROLLEY!!” like she’s auditioning for Rosie O’Donnell’s next TV movie. Ostensibly this trolley is meant to shuttle guests back and forth across the limitless acreage of Oprah’s fiefdom. But B-Side, J-Unit, and I concur that the trolley is probably just a contingency plan for transporting Aretha Franklin to and from the bathroom.
At long last, the afternoon of the luncheon arrives, and Oprah stands in the foyer of her manor house to await her supplicants. She confides that the secret is to have a glass of champagne ten minutes before the guests show up, just to calm your nerves so you’re not bowled over by the tsunami of Legendness. Oprah protests that the party’s opulence and attention to detail are so excessive simply becuse she wants her invitees to “feel the love,” so to speak: “It was a lavish party. But it wasn’t about the party. It was about [ME]… a living celebration of [ME]… a thank you to [ME].” Noble indeed!
As the guests begin to arrive, we see that Oprah truly has pulled out all the stops. She’s wearing all the medieval-wench apparel she owns and even has built a nice vaginal waterfall next to the gazebo/bridge complex she set up in the back yard. She says she constructed the decorative bridge to symbolize all the legendary women who had become a bridge to her. Because, as we know, ALL ROADS LEAD TO OPRAH.
In keeping with the spirit of the weekend, a nice, explicitly vaginal waterfall
One cool thing about the luncheon is that none of the invitees know who else will be coming. So when they all show up, there’s a cacophony of surprised and delighted shrieking. “OMG is that HALLE?!?!?” “AAAAAAAALFRE!!” “That’s DOCTOR Angelou to you, MARIAH.” “Lil’ KIM! Glad you made it but girl you gotta cover those nipples.” Well, Lil’ Kim isn’t actually there, what with prison and all, but you get the picture.
Holy shit.
By far, the highlight of the arrivals is—just as B-Side predicted—Cicely Tyson’s hat. We were torn: Ms. Tyson either 1) ran across some leftover costumes from the Lillehammer ’94 opening ceremonies; 2) had an unfortunate run-in with Anne Geddes; or 3) consummated a three-way love affair with a snapdragon and the Flying Nun. Who the hell knows. In any case, the hat is a doozy. Ms. Tyson mentions that she feels “like a nymph in fairyland,” and she certainly is dressed for such an occasion.
As more and more women arrive, the sight of all these Legends in one room becomes nearly too much to bear. Particularly for Ashanti, who confesses, “It was a little overwhelming to walk into this room, what with me being the only one with no talent.” Oprah herself nearly succumbs to a tide of Oprahness and says there is “CRAZY LOVE” in the room. She gets very emotional.
“Della. Della. Even I wouldn’t wear a hat like that. And I used to write Hallmark cards for a living for god’s sake.”
They keep streaming in: Naomi Campbell, Alfre Woodard, Missy Elliot, Phylicia Rashad, and more. But where’s Star Jones? Where’s Pam Grier? (Admittedly, I doubt that Oprah is a fan of the ’70s blaxploitation genre. DO NOT BLAXPLOIT THE OPRAH.) Anyway, after greetings and drinks, they all board the Oprah Excess Express down to the luncheon spread in the back yard. Iman, in particular, is thrilled to be on the trolley: “I haven’t had such an enchanting trolley ride since my childhood in Mogadishu.”
“HEY TINA YOU GOT ANY ROCK?”
Interspersed throughout the footage of the event are intimate, often teary interviews. Mary J. Blige in particular seems to view these interviews as therapy sessions, because she starts bawling in every. last. one of them. Mariah Carey, for her part, is simply honored to be part of this “historic quilt” of women. And with Mariah in attendance it’s a rich quilt indeed, seeing as she looks like Marcia Cross next to most of the other invitees.
Inevitably, they do a group photo. When it’s time for the actual luncheon, they all walk across Oprah’s fake bridge to the gazebo. Mariah and Janet are very cliquey, remaining side-by-side the whole time and seemingly ignoring everyone else. Perhaps they’re discussing Janet’s wardrobe: she apparently didn’t get the “Classy Semiformal with Optional Eclectic Headwear” memo, because she has her blouse unbuttoned so far down you can see the bottoms of her boobs from a mile away. Is this really necessary? I know Missy Elliott is here, but it seems like there might be classier ways to pick people up.
“Your thighs look sumptuous, Mariah.” “As do your breasts, Janet.”
As the women get seated at the banquet table, anticipation builds. Oprah has chosen Cicely Tyson and and Maya Angelou to sit at her side. As the food is served, we see that there’s one waiter per attendee, which seems like a little much, but Oprah again insists that the opulence is ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED. Phylicia Rashad in particular is swept off her feet by the wait staff: “There were all these people on cue. Carrying trays. Lifting on cue. Placing the most delicious item in front of you for your consumption and enjoyment.” PHYLICIA. RELAX. It’s called TABLE SERVICE.
“I felt like a nymph in fairyland. I put on my VERY FINEST SNAPDRAGON.”
After a performance by inaptly named singer John Legend, the Young’uns get up onstage to recite a poem that one attendee has prepared in honor of the Legends. Sadly, we are not treated to a booming, authoritative reading of this poem by Maya Angelou. Instead, Halle Berry, Angela Bassett, and others shout/sob the poem, which is entitled “We Speak Your Names” and consists of, well, basically everybody reading all the Legends’ names in unison. “Diana Ross. Tina Turner. WE SPEAK YOUR NAMES. Della Reese. Patti LaBelle. MANDELBAUM! MANDELBAUM! MANDELBAUM!” Although the poem seems a little repetitive, Oprah insists that it is the “central force of the weekend.” Indeed, Cicely Tyson LOVES the poem. It so overwhelms her synapses that she’s able to speak about it at a rate of only four words per minute. “I don’t need to tell you how the poem… affected… every… single… nymph… in… fairyland.”
Apparently even nymphs in fairyland get constipated
At long last, Maya Angelou deigns to speak. Bellowing iconically, she addresses her comments to the Young’uns: “In twenty years young black women will be doing something like this for you. Saying thank you. There is nothing greater than thank you. That’s what you say to God. Therefore, by the transitive property of thank you, basically, I’m God.”
But enough with the talk—Oprah says it’s time for the all-important PARTY GIFTS. For several minutes, she builds anticipation, going on at length about how much she struggled to come up with presents that would be meaningful, capture the moment, and express her appreciation. My mind starts racing: what could the gifts be? Beautiful first editions of a Zora Neale Hurston novel? Lovingly framed, sepia-toned photos of Rosa Parks? Oprah gets giddier and giddier, saying that she’s lost her appetite because she’s so excited about what her guests’ reaction will be when they see these presents.
After what seems like four commercial breaks, we finally get to the gift presentation. The waiters line up behind the attendees and all at once—Phylicia can hardly contain herself—unveil beautifully wrapped gift boxes. Oprah instructs everyone to open their boxes on the count of three. The women open the boxes and shriek in delight. So what’s inside? Vintage recordings by Billie Holiday? Keys to a fleet of special Lorraine Hansberry Edition Pontiacs? Nope—JEWELRY. GODDAMN EARRINGS. And now for something completely material…
Diana Ross, spelunking for poodles
As the lunch concludes, Oprah says she knows the jewelry is extravagant, but it’s STILL NOT ENOUGH. So the next event is the evening’s white-tie ball for 400 guests. We jump back in time to see Oprah and Gayle sampling the proposed menu items by celebrity chef Jean Georges. Oprah is back in Beloved apparel and, frankly, looks awful. LADY. Beloved came out in 1998. The moment has passed. Hilariously, we see Oprah get shitfaced, as she and Gayle sample glass after glass of champagne and fancy cocktails.
They plan the banquet to have a 1940s ballroom theme. Great! Way to hearken back to the ERA OF SEGREGATION. To create this look, Oprah and her fleet of engineers and decorators overhaul the ballroom completely, floor to ceiling. Stage, lights, balloons, velvet wall coverings, a FULL ORCHESTRA—this is starting to get a little excessive. The main problem is that, at the end, the “1940s ballroom” looks more like the space-age Encounters restaurant at LAX meets the prom scene from the Grey’s Anatomy season finale. It’s not good.
Gayle, meanwhile, WILL NOT SHUT UP about how difficult it is to plan seating. People reply and say they’re coming! And then they aren’t coming! And then they change their mind again! And then some other people say they aren’t coming and then they decide to come anyway! HONEY. IT’S NOT THAT BAD. If you think this seating is tough, wait til Sunday morning’s GENIUS BRUNCH when everybody is hung over.
As the evening of the gala arrives, the guests start streaming in. Aha, Barbara Walters is here! That explains Star Jones’s absence—Ms. Walters clearly engineered her exclusion. And Diane Sawyer! She WOULD insinuate herself into this. Many others arrive: Sidney Poitier, Maria Shriver, and John Travolta, as well as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kissing each other not on the mouth. Oprah, now tiara-clad and floating on a giant lagoon of champagne and bonbons, keeps insisting that the party “has nothing to do with glamour.”
“Leontyne Price REPORTING FOR DUTY, SIR”
Once everyone is seated, Oprah welcomes all to the Legends Ball. On a nice morbid note, she says that since people “too often pass away,” she basically wanted to thank all the Legends before they kick the bucket. She then invites some of the Young’uns up onstage to repeat the “We Speak Your Names” poem in unison once again. Angela Bassett gets CRAZY into the poem this time, and Halle Berry pulls a repeat of her hysterical podium performance from the 2002 Oscars. Oprah is quite pleased with this result. The moment is simply too much for John Travolta, who starts bawling as if it’s the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard.
“Scientology really helps me keep my emotions under control”
The post-dinner dancing is a spirited affair, with Diane Sawyer proving remarkably sassy on the dance floor, Maria Shriver looking vaguely like an intoxicated vampire, Barack Obama “busting a move” jerkily, and Cicely Tyson making interview comments so over the top that she sounds like Will Ferrell doing James Lipton on SNL.
At long last, we have the gospel brunch on Sunday morning. Maria Shriver clearly is still tanked. Oprah announces that she wants to end the weekend by “lifting everyone’s voices in praise.” There’s no scheduled musical program for the service; instead, they just pass the microphone around the group—given that Patti LaBelle, Tina Turner, and other belters are in the audience, Oprah figures that the fireworks will start soon enough. And indeed they do. First to grab the microphone is Shirley Caesar, who goes GOSPEL KRAZY. After several minutes of artery-popping vocals, Dionne Warwick takes the microphone.
Great, looks like Tyra brought JADE as her +1
Throughout this portion, Barbara Walters is DYING to jump up, seize the microphone, and switch the cameras to soft focus, but she remains thwarted. Maria Shriver, meanwhile, prays that the microphone doesn’t reach her, since the Advil hasn’t kicked in yet and she’s still vomiting discreetly into her handbag. At last, to top things off, Patti LaBelle grabs the microphone and goes apeshit. Afterward, in a delicately condescending interview clip, Diane Sawyer says this gospel service was the most transcendently spiritual moment she’s ever experienced—second only to the moment they offered her the anchor’s chair at World News Tonight. Oh wait…
And with the end of the gospel brunch, the Legend-load is officially shot, and the weekend-long Oprahgasm comes to a close. Tears are shed, eyes are dabbed winsomely, and goodbyes are exchanged as the nymphs are expelled from fairyland. But all is now right in the world, as everyone goes forth glowing with Oprahosity and laden with showy earrings and $10,000 bejeweled brooches. In a word, Oprah is SPENT.
Did anybody else see this? We had a blast watching it in the TVgasm offices. It was win-win, really: an admirable intent, an impressive roster of guests, and then the thorough over-the-topness and batshit headwear that only Oprah can provide. A true delight.
44 Comments
Oh yes, I watched the special and enjoyed every Oprahlicious moment. It really was an awesome tribute to these women, although I wonder how they were picked. Did other “non-legend” African-American women feel snubbed?
Most of all, this special gave me a glimpse into the world of the rich. Not just the rich, but the OPRAH-rich. Holy crap. I cannot even imagine the bill for that weekend. Oprah could have fed the entire continent of Africa for 10 years for what that shindig cost.
Never mind. As far as I am concerned, Oprah can do no wrong. That is one sassy broad who has earned her due, and she can do whatever she pleases. She gives so much . . . let her have her trolley and her fun.
Jesus they were mocking this on Howard Stern last week mercilessly. The clips I heard were just the most narcissitic self important bullshit I have ever heard in my 35 years of existance.
We speak your names!!
Della Reese literally blocks out the sun. that cicely tyson caption had me LOL. Even, dare I say, ROFLOL.
I can’t stand Oprah I’m glad to see that there are others that feel the same way. She’s way over-rated and too full of herself. I hate the way she tells people how to think, what to eat, what to read, etc. She surrounds herself with “experts” because she can’t think for herself. And she surrounds herself with “legends” because it makes her feel worthy. I used to think she was ok until she let her fans boost her to deity status.
To make a long story short…I’m just plain sick of her.
And I can’t understand how Janet Jackson can have her shirt so open. My boobies would get chilled. The boobie bottoms are especially sensitive to the cold.
Hi Edhill
Thank you for the amazing recap. After reading it, I felt like I had also wasted my night watching that crap. What next – Oprahphalooza?
No offense to anyone african american but if say Rosie O’donnell or Barbara Walters had a Legends Ball and only picked white chicks to honor, the world would never hear the end of it.
I almost didnt make it when you wrote about Cicely Tysons hat, “consummated a three-way love affair with a snapdragon and the Flying Nun” What a freak show that was. Dont these people have anyone who loves them to tell them **the hat is ridiculous, if you wear it in public you should lose the ability to make any and all decisions for yourself?**
And Travolta crying – NICE..
Something like this would have impressed me if it hadn’t been designed for public consumption. As though the Cult of Oprah needed more $$$ and publicity. Let’s say they just did it. And maybe Martin Scorsese was there with a small movie camera. And then the recordings were left in a desk drawer for 25 years. Then it was found by the cleaning lady. Yada, yada, yada, you’ve got yourself “The Historic Legend’s Ball Movie. The footage that’s been missing for a QUARTER of a century!”. As it stands now, there is a lack of authenticity for me and I feel repelled.
John Travolta looks like a Gelfling with roid rage. What the Hades is his problem?
What was Claire doing in the young-uns category!?!?! That woman is my idol! Well, her character is. I aspire to be like her when I grow up.
What the heck was Janet thinking bringing those boobs like that?!
Nice point on the 40′s segregation era ball. I wonder if they had a paper bag test at the door.
Holy shit, m_ruv. You outdid yourself. This is one of the funniest recaps ever.
jelliepair,
to your comment about if Rosie or Barbara did this we wouldn’t hear the end of it…that’s the whole point doofus. Barbara and Rosie don’t need to do it–there are already tons of tributes for their peoples; I don’t think Meryl Streep, Barbar Streisand, etc. are in need of any more tributes during all the awards shows. And in general, there is not the same recognition for black “Legends”. Note for example that every February for some reason, this country can’t seem to get beyond celebrating the same 3 people for black history month!…So from that perspective I guess this Oprah thing was good.
But on the other hand, it really was narcissitic and self important. I mean do people who are already millionaires really need more diamonds? It’s kind of hard to get excited about that.
I will say though, m-ruv whoever you are, this post was funny as hell
Dionne Warwick as Jade and Cicily Tysons snapdragon hat. heehee
It sounds like the first annual Oprah Winfrey Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.
Great recap!
jelliepair,
people have stuff like that all the time, like “irish awards” or “great italians.” Few black americans can trace lineage to a specific country so it falls under a “black history” event. it’s no different than other heritage celebrations.
This whole event happened last year the weekend before Tom Cruise lost his shit on Oprah. One thing about the entire event pissed me off so much that I have been bitching about it for a full year and I constantly use it as my example of why I hate Oprah.
So, Oprah decides she’s gonna have this Legends Ball to honor all of the women who have paved the road for her and to tell them “thank you.” She plans this big gala event and makes it a black and white party, meaning the guests, THE LEGENDS, must wear either black or white clothing. Then, the all powerful Oprah shows up in the most dramatic, attention grabbing, red dress I have ever seen and basically reminds everyone, Legends be damned, that everything, all the time, is always about Oprah.
Holy crap. I cannot even imagine the bill for that weekend. Oprah could have fed the entire continent of Africa for 10 years for what that shindig cost.
The sad thing is, I bet half the stuff at the party was comped. That’s the absurd thing about the Oprah-rich: they never end up paying for anything, because companies (a) don’t want to get on their bad side, and (b) perceive the value in having their brand associated with that person. Hence you wind up with the Eva Longorias of the world going batshit insane when they are asked to pick up a $17 bar tab.
I can’t decide if I like or dislike Oprah. On her show, she’s so damn busy staring at herself in the monitor, she doesn’t pay attention to her guests, and that’s really irritating. Seriously, watch her show, watch her on Letterman- she can’t tear her eyes awy from the monitors for more than three seconds. I think she’s an incredible narcissist, but she gives a lot of money to charity, so maybe that makes up for it?
Scorpiella-I noticed that too-what a bitch!
Hey, you screwed up one of your captions. It says “John Travolta” but its clearly Nathan Lane.
omigod, reading that was almost as fun as watching that extravaganza. i wish i had it on dvd.
But what about when michael mcdonald showed up singing away at the gala?? amazing! i just kept flashing back to “40 year old virgin”
Wait a minute- I didn’t know that there was an “Irish Awards” or “Great Italians”.
What do events do Norwegians have? If we don’t have a celebratory day or event than I will make one…
I think we should call it “dose dare ah simple, happy norsks up nort, don’t cha know”…
(And I would like to add…I agree that Oprah has become rather self important. But, I still tune in and like her. I guess I am her “demographic”, as some are saying now, (except the rich part).
I love Tvgasm, and yes Oprah can be a little self important sometimes, however I think because of your vantage point you missed out on somethings.
Women in the black religious community have a tradition of wearing hats, such as Cicely Tyson wore, to church. So although you make think they look silly and laughable these hats are actually a source of pride for black women.
When you were making fun of Cicely Tyson I felt like you were making fun of my grandmother or something. She is such a great actor and role model for african-americans and for anyone else who choses to view her as such.
I have a very good sense of humor, but sometimes there are just someplaces you shouldn’t go (especially if you don’t have the insight to needed to even grasp the importance of such figures in the black community).
I wouldn’t say you totally crossed the line, but definatley sat on the fence and it made me queasy.
As a previous poster said I always have to give Oprah leeway just b/c she is a great woman, and for a black woman to come from the background that she came from to where she is today, hey can she do anything she wants! So what if people get annoyed with her!
I’ve always hated Oprah. She is full of shit. She is a marketing money making machine. Don’t be fooled by her philanthropy.
She’s going to tell us how to live, when she is living better than royalty. She is so out of touch with herself, life, everything.
KH
Dave J :
Tell us more about this:
“the Eva Longorias of the world going batshit insane when they are asked to pick up a $17 bar tab.”
Did she do that? I HATE her too!
KH
Ashanti was there? Seriously? She makes me sick and certainly doesn’t deserve to be there. Uggg.
KatiesHole:
http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/desperate-housewives/hollywood-privacywatch-special-edition-eva-longoria-victim-of-noncomped-bar-tab-fiasco-177141.php
I want to walk around saying “celebrities should be comped…”
jackie1277 -
You’ve read TvGasm before, right? I’m not sure what you were expecting when you opened this link, but here on TvGasm they tend to make fun of people.
I think you need to give m-ruv a break. Growing up I went to church every week, so I know the value of the hats, but Cicely Tyson’s was just ridiculous. I’m all for big hats, but come on! Also, I take issue with people thinking that just because Oprah is a powerful, philanthropical woman, she can do whatever she wants. No, she can’t! All the rules still apply to her, and when she’s being an attention whore, I expect people to call her on it.
The bottom line is that this was a very funny recap of (in my opinion) a shamelessly self-promotional event. If you think m-ruv was hard on these women, you should try listening to Howard Stern.
I especially liked the vaginal waterfall. That’s the kind of class you CAN buy!
Thanks BigMax. What a fucking cunt she is, no?
I pegged Miss Eva LongSkankia right from the beginning. Really bad soap actress that blew enough men to get the job on DH and now thinks she’s something. What a filthy vile skank.
KH
I used to like early fat Oprah, “Caller you say what?” Oprah. She used to be real back then. Then she lost weight and gained self-righteousness. Yeah, blah blah blah she’s a millionaire and can do whatever she wants. In my opinion she is no less crazy than the Thetan Cruise, or Travolta with his autistic child he refuses to treat. She’s just a different kind of crazy, and she hides it better behind all her greenbacks, passing off her self-importance as self-help to the naive masses. There is nothing “real” about Oprah. The only way she could ever return to being “real” is if she lost all her money. I don’t subscribe to her bullshit.
I didn’t watch the special but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this recap. Great job m_ruv, very hysterical.
When Oprah first talked about her Legends Ball last year, I thought it sounded dumb. Most of the people were celebrities, not legends. And marginally talented celebrities at that in the case of Ashanti. I didn’t get why Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and John Travolta would be at an event that supposed to be for and about black women. Weird.
I also don’t get why Oprah is still talking about this damn party a year later. I’m guessing that she wants to write off her richie rich party as a business expense. show so that she could write the whole thing off to her studio. Maybe this all has to do with the fact that she’s gaining weight again. Perhaps Oprah wants to go back to a time when she was thinner and happier, before she made a fool out of herself with that “Million Little Pieces” business. Whatever the case, it’s time for Oprah to get a grip. She spent a year of planning the Legends Ball and now she’s spent another year talking about it. You just know that if Oprah was a guest on her own show, that skinny psychologist who dispenses fortune cookie advice would have a lot to say about a woman who’s this fixated on a party.
“that’s the whole point doofus” – duh
sweetj – that made my night!!
Such fabulous coverage of Das Legendsfest. Bravo, m-ruv!
“…since the Advil hasn’t kicked in and she’s still vomiting discreetly into her handbag.”
This would also be a very good description of me at any of the post-wedding Sunday brunches I’ve been forced to attend in my life thus far.
I like the idea of honoring others just fine, but Oprah’s rampant obsession with material goods never fails to amaze. My impression of the magazine:
p.1 – Buy this! It’s pretty and shiny.
p. 2 – Buy this too. It’s overpriced and useless, but I like it.
p. 3 – Buy three of these and give them to your friends!
p. 4 – Work on having high self esteem.
p. 5 – …cause then you’ll get a good job, make lots of money, and you can buy THESE things!!!
“that’s the whole point doofus” – duh
sweetj – that made my night!!
derder- you know, i think the scandanavians are one of the only ethnic groups I don’t see paradaing down fifth ave some summer sunday morning. I’ll come to your party to salute them!
Here’s the thing about Oprah. It’s not like any one of us couldn’t do what she’s doing. She’s not unusually clever, innovative, or attractive. She’s a TERRIBLE interviewer. She’s just extremely fucking lucky. She probably worked hard like a real person a LONG time ago and somehow tricked people into fueling the juggernaut that is Oprah. Now she just rides the wave of greenbacks and narcissism while her cult members lap up every stupid thing she says or does.
I can’t hate Oprah, I just can’t. If she was some spoiled heiress or famous by association kind of person I’d have no problem, but she worked for her fame so I can’t blame her for that.
I agree that she can definitely be a little narcissistic but when you’re constantly hailed as more poweful than God, you start to believe in the hype a little bit. As long as she doesn’t try to run for president, I’m good.
Oprah is a billionaire!
“Holy shit”
best caption EVER!
Thank you for the most fun I’ve had in days.
Pie,
Yeah I know they make fun of people on TVgasm. That’s why I come to the site. Anyways I have listened to Howard Stern before, but then I got bored of him. He likes to rip into people who have slighted him, if you look real closely he is just a big nerd who has tapped into all the other nerds who have a big chip on their shoulder. Poor thing is trying to make up for all the years he didn’t get laid.
Sorry just couldn’t really find the humor in making fun of some of these things. Not that I’m totally defending Oprah and the overtone of self-righteousness that this special displayed. It’s just that I would rather see a powerful black woman like Oprah, than none at all and I would rather see her give recognition to these women (as corny as the special might be) than none being given at all.
Long-time lurker, first-time poster…Wow. After the end of The Amazing Race, 24, Lost and Idol, I thought it was going to be a boring summer of not-much-funny on my favorite website…Boy, did you prove me wrong.
m_ruv I SPEAK YOUR NAME..
WDWBelle
I can’t stand Oprah, but I can’t hate the person who gives Kathy Griffin so much fodder for her stand up routine.
Lance Uppercut – I can’t tell if you’re being serious or just making fun of the fact that Travolta is now a fatty….because it’s totally Vinnie Barbarino in that cap.
The whole idea of the Legends Ball or whatever was totally over the top and unnecessary. Made for great tvgasm fodder however, so I suppose it served a purpose.
Jackie1277 – I don’t care what culture you are a part of, you wear ridiculous things are you are going to be made fun of. Those crazy hats are insane. See it. Believe it. Subscribe to the theory.
Well done, m_ruv.
Keyser Soze (#26)
What is this about John Travolta having an autistic child- and he refuses to treat him/her?
I have not heard this, but am curious…
derder, try this link:
http://www.hollywoodinterrupted.com/archives/a_plea_from_hollywood_john_travolta_open_your_heart.phtml
Thank You, Clair. I didn’t know that. How can Kelly Preston live with herself??
Thanks so much, m_ruv, for the great recap of Oprah’s obnoxiousness. I’m sorry, but between this and that whole ridiculous Hermes incident, I think Oprah’s a little out of control.
This recap, though, was hilarious…dare I say it, but this may be the best recap since “Riding the Bus with My Sister” (although that’s still #1 in my book–the only recap that made me cry hysterically with laughter).
Ok…loved the recap, very funny. I must say I love Oprah so I may be a little bias but I think she is getting a bad rap here by some of the posters. These recaps are intended to be smarmy and cynical and that’s why I love them so much but my goodness some of the comments are downright mean and obnoxious. No matter how you feel about Oprah and her wealth you must give her credit for being such a humanitarian. How many of you would be willing to donate an euivalent portion of your salary to charity.
PS…. not to be picky but m_ruv the over acting super happy gift recipient was in fact Debbie Allen- Nixon the younger more accomplished, ( Fame, Different World, 80′s chorography icon, and wife of former NBA star Norm Nixon) sister of Phylicia Ayers- Allen-Rashad. I agree however that her enthusiasm was bit dramatic and over the top.