TVgasm Goes Inside The Reality Remix Really Awards

Rambah!

Last night in Hollywood, the Fox Reality Network held their first ever Reality Remix Really Awards. As you can imagine, it was an event on par with the Emmys, the Oscars, and perhaps even the closing ceremonies for the Olympics. It was that important. Oh, what am I saying? I’m already writing this with a highfalutin attitude, as if anything pertaining to reality stars is so utterly beneath me. Whatever. Reality stars + awards = my type of night, and thankfully, the good people at Fox Reality were kind enough to invite me to the show. Needless to say, my brain pretty much instantly exploded as soon as I arrived and saw reality stars as far as the eye could see. They ranged from obscure (some girl from Who Wants To Be A Soap Star?) to famous (Flavor Flav), from iconic (Omarosa) to overexposed (um, Omarosa again). Point was, I was in a constant state of taking inventory, trying to commit as many names and faces as I could to memory. Unfortunately, there were just too many to keep track of, but in this age of digital cameras and techno-wizardry, I was able to document most of the run-ins on my handy-dandy Canon Digital Elph (and to think that I came this close to forgetting to put the battery inside).

After the jump, a collection of the best photos from the party. And also a description of perhaps the most disturbing thing I’ve seen all year.So before I go on, I might as well just get some things out of the way:

a) Chances are this will be very Perez Hilton-y in that this post will feature photos of me or my friend with reality stars. I apologize in advance.

b) Additionally, I suspect that I’ll still be embarrassingly gushy about these reality stars, even after I have spent hours eviscerating them in recaps and whatnot. What can I say? I’m a two-faced jerk. Actually, to be fair, a lot of these people in real life tend to be very nice. Except for Jose Canseco, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

c) I saw Chyna’s vagina. My eyes are still burning. Again, more on that later.

I think that about covers it. Anyway, the big event took place at a club in Hollywood called Les Deux, made famous by many a t-shirt on Mike Boogie this summer on Big Brother. Yes, this sprawling venue happens to be just another feather in the Dolce Group cap. I guess it’s appropriate enough — given that the partial owner of the spot is a reality star. Well, the show was supposed to begin at 8 PM, and I had been warned that if I was late, the doors would be locked, and I wouldn’t be able to get in. As a result, I was sure to arrive at 7:30 PM with my friend S-Dizzle, who subbed in for J-Unit at the last second.

Well, first step was to check in. We got some nifty wristbands (which I’m still sporting the next morning because the scissors have mysteriously vanished from my apartment). Since I wasn’t actually sure how to get into the club, I asked what I should do next. “Well, the red carpet is right there, so you can get in line,” the woman said. Sweet. Doing the red carpet! I’d never actually done a red carpet before. On the one hand, I felt slightly out of place. But on the other hand, I managed to puff up my own self-importance by rationalizing that I was a panelist on Reality Remix, and hence, my tiny blip on the TV radar CERTAINLY entitled me to a full red carpet experience. Besides, it wasn’t like I was invading Nicole Kidman and Brad Pitt’s turf. These were reality stars!

Anyway, the line to get on the red carpet was rather long, and the lady controlling it was obviously letting the biggest reality stars move forward first. That meant Carrie Ann Inaba got a free trip to the front of the line while S-Dizzle and I waited… and waited… and waited… It was cool though. I got to see lots of fun reality stars (and holy shit, there were so many. My brain almost exploded). Some of the girls totally hammed it up on the red carpet. I couldn’t help wondering… how would I make MY big splash??

Waiting in the pre-red carpet line. Hippies in front of us (as well as Debbie and Bianca from season seven of The Amazing Race). Oh, and that’s Fat Momma’s face all the way to the left.

Well, after a half hour of waiting, we were finally next to walk the carpet. The way it worked was that there was a woman controlling the flow of this, and as people walked out, she would call out their name and where they were from to the paparazzi. There we were: on the brink. The cameramen were all trained on us, ready to snap away. We told the lady our name, and just as we were about to go on, my friend who works on Reality Remix (and who’s really sweet and all) came up to me and laughed loudly in front of EVERYONE, “Are you REALLY going to do the red carpet? REALLY????” Cut to fifteen paparazzi quickly lowering their cameras. I told her I didn’t know there was an option to not do the red carpet, and she laughed again, rolling her eyes. “SURE!” she said sarcastically, as other people started to take our place on the carpet. Finally, she just laughed again and said, “Just make it quick!!!” Needless to say, the paparazzi were no longer dying to take our photos. A half-hour’s worth of pumping up our own self-importance had been brutally destroyed in one fell swoop.

That’s Daniel from Survivor: Amazon. He kissed his bicep on the red carpet. It was incredibly lame.

Anyway, we still got to walk the red carpet, but at that point, we were kind of frazzled. Were we not supposed to be there? Were we interlopers? Did anyone care about us? We immediately began walking quickly down the carpet, causing the publicist woman to call out to us and say, “Don’t you guys want to stop and take pictures?” Okay, if it wasn’t already apparent that we WEREN’T celebrities or supposed to be there, now it was glaringly obvious. We posed awkwardly for about ten or twenty-seconds, but our entire game had been totally thrown off. Alas. Needless to say, we are decidedly not on WireImage this morning (not like we would have been anyway, but hey, you never know…)

Well, once we were in the club, we could see how everything was to be laid out. There was a little stage in the corner, and placed in front of it were several couches, on which most of the nominees sat. Around the couches were several cocktail tables, which were reserved for other guests, and while not everyone in attendance got a seat, the panelists for Reality Remix Weekend Edition had a sweet table, which was cool because a) I didn’t have to stand all night, and b) it made me feel slightly cool again after the red carpet debacle. I was very excited because the next table over was reserved for the Laguna Beach kids, and fellow panelist Erin Murphy made sure to move Alex H.’s seat directly next to mine. To think, I could be sitting next to Roz all night long — like she were my very own sidekick!

Sadly, the Laguna kids didn’t show, but that didn’t mean the table went empty. It was instead reassigned to a different reality star: CHYNA. That’s right. I spent half the night next to former wrestler Chyna, who was so wasted she could barely stand up (people were literally holding her up all night). Every time hostess Kennedy came on stage, Chyna yelled out over and over again, “Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy! Kennedy!…” You see, in her drunken state, she was battling for attention — something that everyone was doing. Let’s not forget, this was a room full of reality stars — almost as many as you could fit in a single venue — and they were all drunk. As you can imagine, pandemonium ensued.

But enough talking. Time to get to the photos…

A decent smattering of reality stars. On the left are Toni Ferrari and Beth from The Duel. ANd of course, on the right is none other than Chyna: drunk, puffy, and lovin’ it.

My friend’s not at a place in his life yet where he’s able to freely show his mug next to reality stars on a TV blog. Hence the pixellation. That being said, he just had to get a photo with Flavor Flav.

Another shot of the room. I like this one because it features the quintessential Aaron Carter reaction in the foreground.

Lynn and Alex from Amazing Race 7. I think they were the two happiest people there.

The real reason my friend didn’t want to show his face: because he had an unrelenting need to take photos with the most embarrassing and/or gross reality stars there. Hence, Aaron Carter.

Not everyone was ashamed to be seen with Aaron. Consider Lynn his #1 fan!

Alex witnesses something life-alterning: Chyna’s vagina.

Okay, so as you can see from this photo, Chyna decided to put her leg up on a chair, ultimately exposing her completely shaven lady-regions. It was one of those moments where you see the leg going up, and you wonder, “Is she wearing underwear? Do you think she’s naked under there? Do you think we’ll see– OH LORD! NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN!!” I swear, it was traumatizing. The whole rest of the party, people would say things like “Chyna is so wasted! She nearly fell on me!” To which I would angrily reply, “I SAW HER VAG!!!” In the above photo, I tried to take a picture of this awful sight; so that the rest of you could be equally scarred, but Lynn accidentally blocked the money shot. He was actually trying to do the thing where it looked like I was pretending to take a photo of him but really taking a photo of Chyna, but it all sort of backfired. I tried to take another photo, but since my camera is old and slow, I missed out. This was the best I could do:

Chyna, post-vag slip (she then started making out with that girl in the white top).

Sterling hostess Kennedy gets the show going… Sorry, nothing funny to comment about here.

Why, if it isn’t Andrae Gonzalo!

By the time the show began, and we were all in our seats, none other than Andrae was placed on a couch directly in front of us. Of course, I had to tap him on the shoulder and ask to take a photo. Later on, just before he accepted an award, I gave him my camera and asked him to take a pic of the crowd, which he did. Or tried to. Again, my stupid old camera was so slow that the pic he thought he got didn’t actually take. Sigh. After winning his award, he was then ushered back to some press area for an interview, which meant my camera went with him. My precious camera with all my photos! After ten minutes, I became paranoid that something terrible would happen — the camera would get lost or something. I decided to venture into the back to find Andrae — which meant that yes, I literally had to ask people, “Where’s Andrae?” As you can tell, I got my camera back.

My friend with Chyna. What you can’t see is the extreme look of terror in his eyes.

Ever the model, ANTM alumna Furonda posed for my camera. She was super skinny and super tall. Unfortunately, Jay Manuel wasn’t around to be passive-aggressive during my impromptu photo shoot.

Jeff Conaway: still rockin’ the Grease jacket. So sad…

The Hippies were seated right in front of us also. I thanked them for mentioning us on CBS.com. They thanked us for mentioning that they mentioned us. Then we all just thanked each other for nothing in particular.

Ace Young and Chyna: Oh how I wanted that relationship consummated.

By the way, Ace Young sang his new song at the show. I forget what it was called. I named it AWFUL.

Another mishmash of reality stars: Goldie from The Flavor of Love tries to squeeze by JP from Survivor as Omarosa curiously tilts over and stares at her ass.

This ass has been inspected by Omarosa Manigault-STALLWORTH!

New father Jonathan Baker salutes us. We don’t know why, but we kind of like it.

Fellow panelists Anna David and Erin Murphy.

Okay, these are just silly personal photos now. I’m sure no one cares. Just move on to the next pic…

Chilltown presents the first award of the night, not realizing that a lurking Jeff Conaway threatens to clap them into oblivion.

Pumkin and New York sharing the stage! I’m not the only one who expected a full-on brawl to go down.

Flavor Flav, Dr. Will, New York, Mike Boogie, Pumkin: is this really happening? Have I died and gone to heaven? Furthermore, is it sad that this is so awesome to me? Yes. Yes it is.

The obligatory New York photo. Believe it or not, this was her classiest pose of the night…

Did I mention that New York sat at a table just next to us also? So yes, we were pinned between Chyna and New York. That’s what I call a night!

You know, more reality stars. Aras. Hurricane Howie. Etc. etc.

Sitting on the couch on the left were Pumkin, Johnny Fairplay, and the girl from Average Joe 3. I’ll chalk up my slow camera for missing Johnny Fairplay and Pumkin making out just moments earlier.

Rob and Ambah! How could I not get a photo with these two? They were both friendly, and Amber was super nice. Like crazy nice. She told me she had the same camera. SHE KNOWS MY PAIN!

Erika told me she’d teach me Pilates. I think we’ll have to document it for the site…

None other than Dr. Will polishing off his “Realitini” — which was what winners received at this event.

Buckwild! I actually heard her with and without her accent. Very exciting!

In my post-Chyna recovery period, I found the best way I could deal with this trauma was to take as many photos of Chyna as possible to truly convey how awful it would be to see such a woman’s vagina in person. This was during her “coming down” phase.

Lovely.

A personal highlight of the night: meeting Carrie Ann INABA. I have to admit, I was a little afraid she might be diva-ish, but quite the contrary! She was awesome! My new favorite judge.

Would it shock you if I revealed that Ron Jeremy kind of smelled funky?

Erin Murphy with one of her favorites, Storm Large. We totally forgot to rag on Lukas with her.

Our friend who wished to remain anonymous with that guy from Rock Star: INXS. Ty Taylor, I believe. He sang also, but I went to the bathroom during the performance. Believe it or not, Jeff Conaway also had a musical number. It was like a rap of some sort. It was really, really creepy.

Lisa and Joannie from America’s Next Top Model seemed totally out of their element. They spent the entire time on a couch, looking shell-shocked. By the way, at this point of the night, almost everyone there was wasted. The awards turned into complete bedlam, and I’m pretty sure that when we took this photo, we were blocking the main camera DURING THE SHOW.

My friend absolutely hates Omarosa. He feels like she’s taken black people back twenty years. Hence, he took a photo with her.

S-Dizzle hams it up while Flavor Flav tries to make his move on Bootz by saying how she was the one that he really wanted all along. Scandal!

Oh look! Weird Al showed up!

I really don’t know what to say about this photo. At this point, everyone was pretty much wasted or stoned or both.

Erin Murphy saved me Alex H’s seat placard. At the time, it seemed like a funny idea to stick my tongue out, but now I just find it disturbing.

S-Dizzle’s skank-quest continues…

After the show, Kennedy looks like she’s about ready to cry.

Although S-Dizzle was on the prowl for skanks and ho’s, even he could not help but to succumb to the glory of Fat Momma.

We stumbled upon erstwhile baseball star Jose Canseco and knew we had to get a pic. Keep in mind that all night long, everyone was absolutely elated to take a photo. Not so much for Jose. He rolled his eyes and said, “YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS!” Of course, with my slow camera, we really pushed the limits of those three seconds, and I honestly thought he was going to beat us up. Luckily, we managed to get a shot before fisticuffs were exchanged.

So that was the big exciting night. It was crazy fun and a bit ridiculous. I think the awards air on October 28th on Fox Reality. Check your local listings…

PEACE OUT!

Update:

We made it!!!