Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
It’s E3 week here in Los Angeles, and for those of you not in the know, E3 stands for the Electronic Entertainment Expo. Basically, it’s a video game convention. I know that sounds geeky, and, well, it is, but I’ve gone to E3 for the past three years, and it’s always an experience unlike any other. Imagine watching someone having a seizure. Now imagine that you live inside that person’s head. Yeah, that’s what E3 is like. Total sensory overload.
Now, every year that I’ve gone, there’ve always been tons of reality stars crawling all over the place: Julie from Real World: New Orleans, Blair from Road Rules: The Quest, Robb from Survivor: Thailand, and countless other D-listers. So this time around, I thought I’d bring my camera and see what I could find. I also tried to take pictures of whatever based-on-TV video games I could find. Needless to say, there were slim pickings on all fronts.
Warning: Many pics after the jump. Beware if you’re on dial-up.
Outside the Convention Center, this little robot was terrorizing pedestrians. Luckily, it didn’t come near me. Otherwise I would have to had to open up a can of whoop-ass on it. Actually, I probably just would have kicked it and ran.
Finally. Something relevant to TVgasm. It’s the live stage for G4 TV. They were in between segments on X-Play, which is one of the worst written shows on television. I’ve never heard so much alliteration in one place. I once counted twelve “f” sounds in a row. Terrible.
Ah, my first encounter with the Playstation 3. Amazing. Plus, I scored a touchdown on some chump standing next to me. He never saw it coming. Heh.
Okay. Miami Vice I finally found a video game based on a TV show. Or so I think. Turns out it’s based on the upcoming movie instead. Either way, it looked incredibly dumb. When the developer asked if I wanted to play, I just said no and walked away. I looked back — I don’t know why — and the guy was watching me leave. It was so sad. I think I ruined his day.
This looked promising. A wrestler would be here live and in person. I like how his picture is like “Yes, I AM going to be there!”
But alas, no wrestler.
Here are some guys from G4 taping a segment. I pretended like I was taking a picture of the entire room, but they caught me anyway and gave me one of those looks like “Hey, stop taking our picture.” So I gave them a look back like “What? I was taking a picture of the room.” But of course, I was taking a picture of them all along.
This is where I was standing when I remembered that I had valeted my car at a hotel. I’m such an idiot.
A That’s So Raven video game? I never thought the day would come!
I wanted to play the That’s So Raven game, but there was a line. A LINE! For That’s So Raven! WTF??
Disney has hands down the most annoying booth. It’s the only one I want to actually take a sledgehammer to.
Here are a bunch of people sitting in line to see a video of a game called Spore. Clearly, they don’t know about E3′s hottest game, That’s So Raven.
That’s right. Dance Dance Revolution
This was actually the first time I had ever played one of these dancing games. I was at a total loss. In fact, I was stuck at this screen for a good minute or so until I realized that I was supposed to tap the upper-right hand corner.
Okay. So here’s the thing about Dance Dance Revolution: I suck at it. I mean, I was terrible. First of all, as many of you know, the way the game works is that these directional symbols scroll up the screen. At a certain point, you’re supposed to stomp (er, dance) in that direction. The top yellow arrow shows when you’re supposed to stomp on the pad. The bottom yellow arrow shows when I stomped on the pad. As you can see, I was way off.
Here I am in all my glory. Note the way my arms clench up as if I’m about to go into convulsions.
I also had this tendency of drifting off the mat. I’d start dancing and next thing you know, I’m like a foot away from anything remotely resembling the control pad. You can see it happening here. Look at my left foot. You can step on left, right, up, and down. My foot: standing on diagonal. THERE IS NO DIAGONAL! I’m totally inept.
It’s just as awful as it sounds. In this shot, I believe Lynette is knocking on Bree’s door. Sadly, I didn’t watch long enough to find out if the game includes cloying narration and dumb Teri Hatcher pratfalls.
Suddenly I saw a commotion. That was about .5 seconds BEFORE this guy wandered into the shot.
What could it be!?! What could it be!?! Who goes there?
It’s the wrestler! Yay!
Over at the Activision booth, skateboarders were having fun on a half-pipe. Yeah, it was cool, but not nearly as impressive as me with Dance Dance Revolution.
As you can imagine, this did not end well.
This guy bit it also. It was awesome.
At this point I was lost and walking along the wall to find the exit. Much harder than it sounds.
In my quest for the exit, I passed by the Disney booth again, and surprise, surprise — no one was playing That’s So Raven! Of course I played. But then after about ten seconds, a general sense of shame and humiliation overcame me, and I had to toss the contraption aside and run. Didn’t matter where. I just had to run.
MTV was all over E3. At one point, some people on an MTV crew saw me and had this look on their faces like “That guy has a TVgasm shirt on! We should tell him how awesome that site is!” But then I realized they were looking at something behind me. So much for that.
Sweet! Adam West live from 2pm to 4pm!
Somewhere along the way, I wound up holding this bright orange bag. That’s the crazy thing about E3. Suddenly you just have random shit in your hands.
Entering the Playstation booth. I can already feel the epilepsy starting.
Hey Playstation. Stop stealing the Spider-Man font!
Of course Sony would have a VIP area. Jerks.
Hey, it’s recently-eliminated American Idol contestant Chris Daughtry!
At one point, I’m walking around, and this woman points at me and says “He should battle!” A guy next to her smiles and says, “He WANTS to battle.” I’m kind of like “huh?” but I’m intrigued because they’re standing behind a velvet rope in a little room. The exclusivity draws me in like a moth to a flame. Next thing I know, I’m in this room preparing to “battle.” I don’t know what this battle will consist of, and I fear that I’ll have to do some freestyle (which would not be a good thing), but soon I learn that it’s a karaoke battle. Aaaah. Okay. Let’s get this shit started!
So I go and “battle” this guy in karaoke. The people before us battled to a lame emo song that caused the entire crowd to leave the room. There’s no way I’m doing karaoke and not bringing down the house. I know I’ve got to bring in the audience; so I suggest we sing “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell. Within seconds, people are piling into the room, and then it’s only a matter of time before EVERYONE is singing along. It’s the hottest karaoke battle in all of E3, if I do say so myself.
The battle may have been hot, but that didn’t mean my voice was too. Ouch. I bit it. I was terrible. I lost by a significant margin (the PS3 calculates based on pitch, volume, and word accuracy. I certainly had volume and words. Not so much with the pitch).
I sampled a lot of games like God of War 2 and whatnot, but at the risk of not sounding like a total geek, I won’t get into all details. However, I can’t ignore this one. I came across these twins who seemed completely entranced by Guitar Hero 2. For some reason, I knew I had to try it also.
Here I am playing Guitar Hero 2, and like all the other musical games of the day, it’s totally beyond my scope of talents. I cannot hit these notes for the life of me. I never realized I was such an uncoordinated person.
Okay. Let me tell you about this douchebag. He played Guitar Hero with me. Before the game started, I casually said, “I’ve never played this before.” Well, this guy was the stereotypical snobby nerd. The kind of guy who rolls his eyes when you tell him you can’t remember the quadratic equation off the top of your head. Anyway, he took off his little guitar (you play with them) and said to the crowd around us, “Does anyone not mind playing with an EASY person?” What the hell? Am I a leper or something? I should have asked the crowd, “Does anyone not mind playing with a smelly douchebag who lives in his mom’s basement and has been working at Blockbuster for the past fifteen years?” Anyway, someone informed the guy that he could play on “expert” difficulty while I played on “easy,” which meant he didn’t have to suffer the humiliation of having to play down to my amateur level. Nerd crisis averted.
So we started playing, and the game ended about three seconds later because apparently, this dick couldn’t keep up with his difficulty level. What an idiot. We started up again, but this time he was on a lesser difficulty setting (oh how the dungeon masters will ridicule him so!) The game went about thirty seconds longer, but it ended prematurely again, most likely because I couldn’t hit more than three notes at a time. I joked that I probably screwed up that round, and the guy turned to me — totally seriously — and said “Yeah. I think you DID!” Whoa! It’s like I just ruined his entire week. Calm down, jerk. I’d had enough of this tool; so I just walked away. It’s okay. I know that I’m a Guitar Hero deep down inside. I don’t need a game to validate that.
To heal my damaged ego, I played this game, which was sort of like Nintendo’s version of an IQ test. It was surprisingly fun. Addicting, even. The first time I played, I was confused by the controls, and the game gave me a grade of D+ (asshole). On the upside, it said I was like Michelangelo. Maybe they were referring to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, not the artist. Second time I played, I improved my score to C, and this time, I was labeled as “a museum curator.” So apparently, a museum curator is smarter than one of the greatest artists of all time. I don’t get it either. But I guess I’ll take it.
And that was it. I ended the day by sitting on a barely functioning massage chair. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t find more TV games, and I was fairly upset that the celebrities were nowhere to be found, but hey, it was still fun times. I can’t believe I took so many mundane photos. To next year…