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Thursday, May 11, 2006
9:27 pm
41 Comments
It’s E3 week here in Los Angeles, and for those of you not in the know, E3 stands for the Electronic Entertainment Expo. Basically, it’s a video game convention. I know that sounds geeky, and, well, it is, but I’ve gone to E3 for the past three years, and it’s always an experience unlike any other. Imagine watching someone having a seizure. Now imagine that you live inside that person’s head. Yeah, that’s what E3 is like. Total sensory overload.
Now, every year that I’ve gone, there’ve always been tons of reality stars crawling all over the place: Julie from Real World: New Orleans, Blair from Road Rules: The Quest, Robb from Survivor: Thailand, and countless other D-listers. So this time around, I thought I’d bring my camera and see what I could find. I also tried to take pictures of whatever based-on-TV video games I could find. Needless to say, there were slim pickings on all fronts.
Warning: Many pics after the jump. Beware if you’re on dial-up.
For a brief moment today, I thought I was cool for going to E3. And then I saw this giant banner hanging on top of the Convention Center. It reads “Forgotten Realms. Neverwinter Nights 2.” I feel like the biggest dork on the planet.
Outside the Convention Center, this little robot was terrorizing pedestrians. Luckily, it didn’t come near me. Otherwise I would have to had to open up a can of whoop-ass on it. Actually, I probably just would have kicked it and ran.
Finally. Something relevant to TVgasm. It’s the live stage for G4 TV. They were in between segments on X-Play, which is one of the worst written shows on television. I’ve never heard so much alliteration in one place. I once counted twelve “f” sounds in a row. Terrible.
In case you didn’t believe me.
Ah, my first encounter with the Playstation 3. Amazing. Plus, I scored a touchdown on some chump standing next to me. He never saw it coming. Heh.
Okay. Miami Vice I finally found a video game based on a TV show. Or so I think. Turns out it’s based on the upcoming movie instead. Either way, it looked incredibly dumb. When the developer asked if I wanted to play, I just said no and walked away. I looked back — I don’t know why — and the guy was watching me leave. It was so sad. I think I ruined his day.
Another shot of Miami Vice. Don’t ask me why I felt inclined to get a closeup.
This looked promising. A wrestler would be here live and in person. I like how his picture is like “Yes, I AM going to be there!”
But alas, no wrestler.
Here are some guys from G4 taping a segment. I pretended like I was taking a picture of the entire room, but they caught me anyway and gave me one of those looks like “Hey, stop taking our picture.” So I gave them a look back like “What? I was taking a picture of the room.” But of course, I was taking a picture of them all along.
This is where I was standing when I reached into my pockets and realized my car keys were missing.
This is where I was standing when I remembered that I had valeted my car at a hotel. I’m such an idiot.
A That’s So Raven video game? I never thought the day would come!
I wanted to play the That’s So Raven game, but there was a line. A LINE! For That’s So Raven! WTF??
Disney has hands down the most annoying booth. It’s the only one I want to actually take a sledgehammer to.
Here are a bunch of people sitting in line to see a video of a game called Spore. Clearly, they don’t know about E3′s hottest game, That’s So Raven.
That’s right. Dance Dance Revolution
This was actually the first time I had ever played one of these dancing games. I was at a total loss. In fact, I was stuck at this screen for a good minute or so until I realized that I was supposed to tap the upper-right hand corner.
Okay. So here’s the thing about Dance Dance Revolution: I suck at it. I mean, I was terrible. First of all, as many of you know, the way the game works is that these directional symbols scroll up the screen. At a certain point, you’re supposed to stomp (er, dance) in that direction. The top yellow arrow shows when you’re supposed to stomp on the pad. The bottom yellow arrow shows when I stomped on the pad. As you can see, I was way off.
This screen right here was like the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life. And all I had to do was basically stand still.
Here I am in all my glory. Note the way my arms clench up as if I’m about to go into convulsions.
I also had this tendency of drifting off the mat. I’d start dancing and next thing you know, I’m like a foot away from anything remotely resembling the control pad. You can see it happening here. Look at my left foot. You can step on left, right, up, and down. My foot: standing on diagonal. THERE IS NO DIAGONAL! I’m totally inept.
This should be horrendous..
It’s just as awful as it sounds. In this shot, I believe Lynette is knocking on Bree’s door. Sadly, I didn’t watch long enough to find out if the game includes cloying narration and dumb Teri Hatcher pratfalls.
As you could see, the gamers were enthralled.
Suddenly I saw a commotion. That was about .5 seconds BEFORE this guy wandered into the shot.
What could it be!?! What could it be!?! Who goes there?
It’s the wrestler! Yay!
Over at the Activision booth, skateboarders were having fun on a half-pipe. Yeah, it was cool, but not nearly as impressive as me with Dance Dance Revolution.
As you can imagine, this did not end well.
This guy bit it also. It was awesome.
At this point I was lost and walking along the wall to find the exit. Much harder than it sounds.
In my quest for the exit, I passed by the Disney booth again, and surprise, surprise — no one was playing That’s So Raven! Of course I played. But then after about ten seconds, a general sense of shame and humiliation overcame me, and I had to toss the contraption aside and run. Didn’t matter where. I just had to run.
MTV was all over E3. At one point, some people on an MTV crew saw me and had this look on their faces like “That guy has a TVgasm shirt on! We should tell him how awesome that site is!” But then I realized they were looking at something behind me. So much for that.
The convention center has two main halls, and connecting them is this passage, or as I like to call it, The Hallway of The Slowest Walking People EVER.
Sweet! Adam West live from 2pm to 4pm!
Blast!
Somewhere along the way, I wound up holding this bright orange bag. That’s the crazy thing about E3. Suddenly you just have random shit in your hands.
Entering the Playstation booth. I can already feel the epilepsy starting.
Hey Playstation. Stop stealing the Spider-Man font!
Of course Sony would have a VIP area. Jerks.
Hey, it’s recently-eliminated American Idol contestant Chris Daughtry!
At one point, I’m walking around, and this woman points at me and says “He should battle!” A guy next to her smiles and says, “He WANTS to battle.” I’m kind of like “huh?” but I’m intrigued because they’re standing behind a velvet rope in a little room. The exclusivity draws me in like a moth to a flame. Next thing I know, I’m in this room preparing to “battle.” I don’t know what this battle will consist of, and I fear that I’ll have to do some freestyle (which would not be a good thing), but soon I learn that it’s a karaoke battle. Aaaah. Okay. Let’s get this shit started!
So I go and “battle” this guy in karaoke. The people before us battled to a lame emo song that caused the entire crowd to leave the room. There’s no way I’m doing karaoke and not bringing down the house. I know I’ve got to bring in the audience; so I suggest we sing “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell. Within seconds, people are piling into the room, and then it’s only a matter of time before EVERYONE is singing along. It’s the hottest karaoke battle in all of E3, if I do say so myself.
The battle may have been hot, but that didn’t mean my voice was too. Ouch. I bit it. I was terrible. I lost by a significant margin (the PS3 calculates based on pitch, volume, and word accuracy. I certainly had volume and words. Not so much with the pitch).
I sampled a lot of games like God of War 2 and whatnot, but at the risk of not sounding like a total geek, I won’t get into all details. However, I can’t ignore this one. I came across these twins who seemed completely entranced by Guitar Hero 2. For some reason, I knew I had to try it also.
Here I am playing Guitar Hero 2, and like all the other musical games of the day, it’s totally beyond my scope of talents. I cannot hit these notes for the life of me. I never realized I was such an uncoordinated person.
Okay. Let me tell you about this douchebag. He played Guitar Hero with me. Before the game started, I casually said, “I’ve never played this before.” Well, this guy was the stereotypical snobby nerd. The kind of guy who rolls his eyes when you tell him you can’t remember the quadratic equation off the top of your head. Anyway, he took off his little guitar (you play with them) and said to the crowd around us, “Does anyone not mind playing with an EASY person?” What the hell? Am I a leper or something? I should have asked the crowd, “Does anyone not mind playing with a smelly douchebag who lives in his mom’s basement and has been working at Blockbuster for the past fifteen years?” Anyway, someone informed the guy that he could play on “expert” difficulty while I played on “easy,” which meant he didn’t have to suffer the humiliation of having to play down to my amateur level. Nerd crisis averted.
So we started playing, and the game ended about three seconds later because apparently, this dick couldn’t keep up with his difficulty level. What an idiot. We started up again, but this time he was on a lesser difficulty setting (oh how the dungeon masters will ridicule him so!) The game went about thirty seconds longer, but it ended prematurely again, most likely because I couldn’t hit more than three notes at a time. I joked that I probably screwed up that round, and the guy turned to me — totally seriously — and said “Yeah. I think you DID!” Whoa! It’s like I just ruined his entire week. Calm down, jerk. I’d had enough of this tool; so I just walked away. It’s okay. I know that I’m a Guitar Hero deep down inside. I don’t need a game to validate that.
To heal my damaged ego, I played this game, which was sort of like Nintendo’s version of an IQ test. It was surprisingly fun. Addicting, even. The first time I played, I was confused by the controls, and the game gave me a grade of D+ (asshole). On the upside, it said I was like Michelangelo. Maybe they were referring to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, not the artist. Second time I played, I improved my score to C, and this time, I was labeled as “a museum curator.” So apparently, a museum curator is smarter than one of the greatest artists of all time. I don’t get it either. But I guess I’ll take it.
And that was it. I ended the day by sitting on a barely functioning massage chair. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t find more TV games, and I was fairly upset that the celebrities were nowhere to be found, but hey, it was still fun times. I can’t believe I took so many mundane photos. To next year…
TV Social
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41 Comments
I’m totally excited for the PS3…but damn that price tag.
Holy shit. When you see it, it’s worth it.
This just in:
Hilton Causes Stir at Video Game Expo
LOS ANGELES (AP) – Paris Hilton unveiled her new video game on Thursday, but inexplicably called it by the wrong name as she greeted throngs of fans and photographers.
Wearing a green minidress and red platform pumps, Hilton made a brief appearance at the Electronic Entertainment Expo to promote “Paris Hilton’s Jewel Jam.”
“Sorry I’m late,” the heiress said. “I’m really excited to have my new video game, ‘Diamondquest.’ Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game,” she said.
After Hilton arrived, men in business suits jockeyed for space with reporters and computer geeks as she sat at a table posing for photographers while signing autographs.
Her game, which can be played on a cell phone, will be available this summer. Video game maker Gameloft will produce a series of video games with Hilton.
The expo at the Los Angeles Convention Center showcases the latest innovations in the video game industry.
I’ll “battle” you in karaoke B-side. Read into that what you will.
Nice pics.
Guitar Hero 2? E3 Expo?
Ladies of TVgasm, act fast cause this one won’t stay on the market long!
Looks like Shaun Alexander will be the next football player hit with the Madden curse. B-Side the fact that you went to E3, says that you can’t be older than 25. Once you hit that age you never admit that in a public forum. But thanks for exciting my inner geek.
You have lovely feet B-Side.
I love these photo montages. Doesn’t really matter what they are, I’m easily amused in the morning. I live with a gamer who’s 9 and I just don’t get it. Give me Super Mario Bros. or Mike Tyson’s Punchout and I’m cool. All day long he talks about the games he’s programming. “This character has sling shot attack. This one has fart in your face attack….” And on and on about how unreasonable it is that he is not allowed to purchase Resident Evil 4, EVEN if it’s with his own money. I can not stand those elitist gamers such as guitar hero douchebag. I see them at GameStop when I take the boy. Always with the eye roll, a thin layer of grease, pasty complexion, fresh crop of zits,and obvious masturbatory addicitions. Screw you Guitar Hero Guy! You and all you ilk! I’m usually pro-nerd, but nobody likes a nerd-snob.
Oh I also forgot to mention your horrendous dancing. Any chance you and I were seperated at birth? I was born in L.A. in 1975. I dance so badly that I never even bother. I can’t even follow a workout video (not that I would try… way too much trouble.) Elaine Benes, Ellen Degeneres, Taylor Hicks? They are like Fred Astaire compared to me. The upside is this gives me plenty of time to drink at weddings.
Everything about this post reminds me of everything I love about you B-side. But pray tell- no katamari damacci for ps3? for shame! and please don’t tell me that is the opening screen for madden. WHERE IS BETTIS?!?!?! HELLO!?!?
and of course you ended up sitting in a massage chair. of course.
B-Side, that was frickin’ hilarious. And yes, I have known uber dorks like The Giant Douschebag at that stupid Guitar Hero. I say let him compensate for his dinky wang while you immortalize his supreme douschebaggery on a blog with a cult following devoted to making fun/worshipping tv shows and somehow comparing it to sexual gratification. Revenge rarely gets better than that!
I thought I heard someone yelling “NOOOOOOOooooooo…..!!” with fists pumping in the air around the time when you found out you just missed Adam West at E3. Now, at least I know who it was.
not a big gamer, but enjoyed the post nonetheless.
we have the same cell phone, b-side. keeping it real with the common man, eh? i guess you haven’t let the celebrity of being a television blogger/”guitar hero” go to your head… although you did get to sample the “that’s so raven” game, so i’m quite jealous.
Is it just me, or did anyone else think the Supreme Douschebag Guitar Hero Tool looks like Neil Patrick Harris? At first, I was like, B-Side faced off against Doogie Hauser for battle of the Guitar Hero King…nerd?
BSide, you have an oddly squared off thumb nail. You like manicures, no? I feel really creepy I noticed that.
God, that Desperate Housewives game looks almost as ugly as Teri Hatcher’s face.
Don’t be bummed about your dancin’ skills, B-Side. Those dance machines are wicked hard. Last year at the beach, a friend of mine tried one. I don’t think she got one move right. And then, at the end of the game, LOSER flashed across the screen in big, bold letters (and you could hear “wah wah waaah” playing in the background. Ok, you couldn’t really hear that, but the effect was the same after she was called a LOSER by a dance machine!!) Of course, I was in the audience, laughing my head off at her.
b-side, i’m thinking you look like you may be one of those cute gamers that some chicks don’t mind chilling w/ on the couch for hours on end…though your blurriness doesn’t really add appeal…. =)
Oh, if only we could all verbalize our daily experiences with douchebags so well. This migh be my favorite TVGasm post ever. The Guitar Hero guy reminded me of this girl in high school, who kept talking about ID4, ID4 this, and ID4 that, and finally someone posed to her the question I was dying to ask, “What is ID4?” This girl paused, stared, and said with such an air of dorky authority, “ummmm Independence Day.” Can you believe it? Independence Day, the movie, with Will Smith. Oh, and Dance Revolution is utterly impossible. I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
People sitting in line to see a video of a game? Man I thought I was a nerd. Did you get to see Morgan Webb? Did you ask her if she got my letters?
I noticed you were wearing your TVgasm shirt. We should have had a booth next year. It’s only a matter of time before we get our own video game. Hmm, in fact tonight ill create the Tvgasm staff in Sims 2! Then I can make B-side pee himself! Man this’ll be the most fun friday night ever!
If we ignore the Tainted Love choice, you can be my Guitar Hero anyday!
yeah, i totally thought you were taking pictures while playing dance dance revolution, and i was going to tell you not to beat yourself up for not being able to stand still because that’d be pretty damn hard.
i bet that gutiar ass is the same one who sat in the back of the classroom, playing with the Magic cards and putting hexes on the “popular kids”. it’s his time to shine, damnit! he hasn’t been in his mom’s basement countlessly practicing for nothing. it’s like alan cumming’s character from romy and michelle’s high school reunion.
Guitar Hero douchebag DOES look like Neil Patrick Harris! He also looks like he found the crappiest free shirt at E3 and couldn’t wait until he got home to wear it.
right as i reached the “tainted love” part of the recap, it started playing on my ipod. manson’s version, but still… i’m so cool.
tigereye, I agree-I’d hang out with B-Side any day! Although I’ve never played anything beyond Intellivision. But man, I ruled at Pitfall-I even sent in the picture of the tv screen with my highest score cuz I think I was supposed to get a T-shirt or something. Never got it, you Intellivision bastards!
B-Side, I would have paid money to see you go all Jack Black on the Guitar Hero guy & play it behind your head then start licking the strings while doing high kicks.
What’s with all the pixelation? How are we supposed to develop crushes on you if we have no idea what you look like?
You look pretty hot B-side.
You look pretty hot B-side.
DDR is awesome…B-Side, with time and practice, you too can become a DDR winner.
EdHill, if you do the Sims 2…take screen caps and make another picture story post! That would be awesome.
I’m so glad I married a wonderful gaming nerd, not the elitist snob-nerd. We play games together and he never makes me feel bad when I cause us to lose. He’s great.
Great stuff, TVgasm!
HILARIOUS post! i appreciate know exactly where you were when you realized you sent your car to the valet.
and what a douchebag tool. i hope his friends see him on here and make fun of him for being unable to master the EXPERT level of some japanese pop kitsch game!
also, i bet WAYNE would have LOVED e3. haha. good show.
Warning – if I see anyone in public wearing a TVgasm t-shirt I will be squealing and hugging the stuffings out of them…
hb
Oooh. B-Side is on a Verizon Wireless plan. My rule is “no more making friends with people on non Verizon”. I can’t afford the 50 bucks a minute if I go over. The worst is people who are with the same company as you (mobile to mobile etc.) and they always call you from the house or some crap. I break up with these friends. They know the rules.
B-Side – we have the same cell phone! YAY!
I’m on Verizon too-I feel like one the cool kids now! Except I already mentioned I was a Pitfall champ, so there goes that notion.
::faints dead away::
Just when I thought I couldn’t love B-Side any more, it turns out he’s a gamer geek. I wish I could get into E3 too. Sigh.
And we have the same cell phone too. IT’S A SIGN.
Very funny post. I have no desire to play any of these games, but this cracked me up nonetheless. I too am a Verizon girl, only because I get a 19% discount through work.
) PS I bet I can out dance any of you any day…LOL…
B-Side – I’m dying over here. Quit trying to improve your Dance Dance Revolution score and get to our TAR and Survivor recaps!!!!!!!!!!
B-Side, while I agree that that guy was a lame elitist douche bag, you can’t say that your karma was clean and you didn’t deserve something. There’s no shame in being a geek (that other guy was a dork, not a geek) and X-Play was one of the only shows I’d take time to watch when I had G4 and hundreds of other channels.
Hey, I watch X-Play all the time. Didn’t mean the guy had to be a dick though. Not to my face at least. (Behind the back is cool though).
I definitely wasn’t defending his actions at all. One of the reasons why I only play online games with friends is because of the abundance of jerks like him who have delusions of graneur just because they run into someone who may not know how to do something as well as they might. It’s a sinful delight for me to see idiots like that fail to back up their sh_t, falling flat on their face like that guy did. You should’ve called him out for a That’s So Raven bizzattle. You could’ve “pwned” them all. :-p
Oh I totally should have! Raven battles are the new Halo.
“Raven battles are the new Halo”
HaHaHa!!! I will have to tell my other half, so he will be in the know.