TVgasm Hits The Motherlode — Updated!

For the past few days, we’ve been teasing all you loyal readers with the promise of some wonderful, scandalous story. Well, the story isn’t so scandalous, and it might not even be so wonderful, but for us here in the TVgasm offices, it was awesome. At the very least, it provides the much-needed bridge from our Jonathan Baker/Victoria Fuller dinner to our Michael Tarshi lunch. Basically, we saw a bunch of reality stars.The fun all began just over a week ago. Loyal TVgasm reader IndianJones was in town, and after several rounds of beer at local hangout Cabo Cantina, we decided to move the party to someplace more upscale. We trotted on over to The Standard to hail a cab, and as we stood there on Sunset Boulevard, who should we see exiting the hotel but none other than Michael Tarshi himself. J-Unit proudly pointed to the nice new Ferrari Tarshi was driving(apparently an F430) and exclaimed, “MICHAEL TARSHI!!” Drunken high-fives and self-congratulations were had by all, and with our spirits raised, we jetted off to Geisha House, a swanky bar in Hollywood co-owned by (embarrassingly coughing into shoulder) Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valderrama.

Once at the bar, we quickly ascended to the smoking patio, knowing full well the chances of running into a celebrity would be significantly increased (Don’t worry. We don’t always obnoxiously stalk the stars, but IndianJones was on the hunt for a celebrity since his past few visits have yielded nada). Anyway, we managed to secure a cozy table by the door, and as we sat there and passed judgment on the crowd, I suddenly realized something quite amazing. About seven feet away from the table was none other than Michael Tarshi yet again. Laughter and self-congratulations reigned supreme once more, and as we quietly observed this reality star, I couldn’t help but notice a small, diminutive man talking to the Tarshi. But wait — that silly hair, that goofy face, surely I recognized this guy. Ah ha! After a brief consultation with my internal reality star database, I realized that this was Brian Wirth, late of Average Joe: Hawaii. Okay, very nice. Some Boston-based reality rejects having a night on the town — must make mental note for potential post.

But then things started to get exciting. A woman with big, blonde hair happened to be talking to Tarshi and Brian, and when she turned around, I discovered that it was none other than Jerry Manthey of Survivor: Outback, Survivor: All-Stars, Surreal Life 1, Playboy, and, of course, Blind Date. As far as reality stars go, this was about as big as stumbling into Mike the Miz and Coral together. Anyway, it became clear that J-Unit and I had encountered something big. The reality stars were multiplying before our very eyes. Surely, there would be more to come.

Indeed there was. After about ten or twenty minutes, this little clan slowly took over the booth directly adjacent to us, thus allowing even better stalking/spying. J-Unit and I noticed a fairly slutty looking girl hanging around the guys, and although our famedar was stalling, TVgasm friend Spotdog (of Sorry I Got Drunk) soon joined us and instantly identified this drunken trollop. Turns out it was American Idol’s very own Nikki McKibbin, the red-haired third place finalist of season one. Well, if there’s anything we know about reality stars, it’s that as goes Nikki McKibbin, so goes Toni Ferrari. Yes, not very far away was the famed über-star of Paradise Hotel, and hey, she looked pretty good too. Since Spotdog has this weird relationship with Nikki and Toni (ie. he pounces on them every time he encounters them at a bar), he went off and chatted them up while we chilled out and watched the reality parade continue.

Showing up next (I think — the chronology is a bit hazy) was frisky Burton Roberts of Survivor: Pearl Islands. TVgasm readers might remember the last time we crossed paths with this guy (he attempted to hit on our friend, S. Lo; had no game; his friend made out with her instead — good stuff), and well, as the night later proved, Burton still hasn’t improved much since his whole “I dropped a quarter down your jeans” line/grope (that is a true story). But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, while the drunken Nikki McKibbin continued to stumble/seductively dance around the reality stars, we began to piece together the occasion. You see, last week, Bravo filmed The Battle of the Network Reality Stars, and sure enough, this was the wrap party. Best… coincidence… EVER!

Around this time, a flash of bleached blonde hair and gigantic breasts caught my attention. Was it Pamela Anderson? Nope. It was none other than The Miz (bleached blonde hair) and Coral (gigantic breasts). That’s right — the dynamic duo that I had only dreamed about encountering in person. IndianJones became immediately excited as he admitted regretfully that he LOVES The Miz. As for me, I drunkenly called Coral over to the table and told her she was funny on the Real World: Austin special. She said thank you and moved on. Seriously, she has massive boobies.

Hanging onto The Miz’s arm however was not Coral but Lauren of Beauty and the Geek (you know her — tan, blonde, IQ of 500). Turns out these two are not only dating, but they have been dating on and off for the past three years. We figured this out when we Lauren drifted by our table, and we hauled her in for questioning. To her credit, she was a good sport and seemed relatively embarrassed by her self-assessed IQ score.

Coming into the bar next appeared to be the unlawful hybrid of Carson Kressley and George Washington. Oh, wait, it was just Austin Scarlett — gown aficionado extraordinaire. With perfectly bobbed hair, flowing sashes, and caked-on makeup, the Project Runway loser floated into the bar like a spectral extra from A Christmas Story. He was such a sight that we almost overlooked America’s Next Top Model sexpot Brittany — a.k.a. Mini Janice Dickenson. Yes, the wannabe runway star was there in all her drunken glory which was further accentuated by her hair being bundled up atop her head like a less poofy version of Sideshow Bob.

Finally, rounding out the evening were our old friends, Jonathan and Victoria — a.k.a. Team JV from The Amazing Race 6. Since we’re all buddy-buddy now, they came by our table and chatted us up for a while before returning to their reality star friends. “Where’s your camera?” asked Jonathan, knowing that this entire scene was ripe for TVgasm picking. “I left it at home,” I had to answer sheepishly. Yes, J-Unit and I wander into the reality star garden of Eden, and we have no photographic evidence. To Jonathan’s credit, he did try to take a picture of me and Jerry Manthey on his T-Mobile Sidekick (I say the full brand name in honor of the product placement on The Inferno II), but sadly, the light was too dim and his flash sucked.

Now why would Jonathan be taking a picture of me and Jerry? Well, in case you couldn’t tell, much alcohol was had by all, and I simply decided to sit down next to Jerry (who, as you might remember, was in the adjacent booth). Actually, now that I think of it, I think there was someone I knew at her table that I was talking to and he or she left (oh yes, it was Burton’s sidekick Louie who I had met previously when he was sucking face with S. Lo). Anyway, point was, I turned to Jerry (who looked quite annoyed — not at me, just in general) and said “I totally backed when you left the All Star reunion show.” My show of support warmed her slightly, and we had a labored conversation for the next five minutes. Turns out she was mad because just moments earlier, some guy had come up and groped her ass by the bar. Come on, people. You don’t grope The Jerry. Anyway, our conversation meandered from Jeff Probst (according to her, he used to be nice but now he’s sort of an asshole) to hip-hop (she’s doesn’t like it. She prefers Shelby Lynne). As you can tell, by the time you’re making small talk about Shelby Lynne, the conversation has pretty much run its course; so I returned to my buddies (ie. moved two feet away) to fill them in on my scintillating encounter.

At this point, we all returned our attention to the increasingly drunken Nikki McKibbin, who seemed to be rubbing up against anything with texture. Spotdog valiantly waved her over, and sure enough, the American Idol star climbed over to our booth where she drunkenly boasted about the bruises on her inner thigh. Apparently, she had to scale a wall on the Battle of the Network Stars. Anyway, in case we didn’t believe her, she then proceeded to pull back her skirt so we could see pretty much everything but her vagina — and yes, there were some mighty big marks there. I can now say I’ve been 18 inches away from Nikki McKibbin’s crotch bruises.

I took this moment to hit up the bathroom, and when I returned, none other than Michael Tarshi was sitting in my seat. Apparently, he actually recognized IndianJones from the Tarshi Bar post and came over to pretty much say “What the f*ck??” I’ll let J-Unit elaborate on this story since he actually witnessed this.

So, here’s the deal. When encountering celebrities in Hollywood, I am not quite, well, how to say it, as forward as B-side is. I play it off that I don’t like to be so shameless, but maybe I’m just a huge pussy. However you describe it, this usually means that I don’t approach anybody and am content to quietly sip my Maker’s Mark on the side, taking the whole scene in (I did study anthropology after all). Therefore I was quite shocked when Michael Tarshi came over to the table, especially since I had said only a few minutes earlier, very mockingly, that “he would be quite surprised to know the people who posted pictures of a man vomiting his chocolate are not fifteen feet away from him.” Well, it turns out that Tarshi recognized the handsome visage of IndianJones, asking first “What’s your name?” and then exclaiming “I know you!”

At first Tarshi thought that IndianJones just happened to be there. Then I introduced myself as one of the proprietors of the website that trashed his waxy confection. I thought he would be pissed, but instead he said “You guys are great. I love how you rip on people.” So, there you have it, Michael Tarshi not only read TVgasm (at least the parts about the Apprentice), but was a big fan. There was plenty of room in our booth, and so he made himself comfortable, and we got down to talking about business and Boston.

Anyway, by the time I arrived, Tarshi and the crew had become all chummy, and so began the great Tarshigasm that would later climax at Madeyoulaugh’s apartment the next afternoon.

B-Side and Tarshi, courtesy of Spotdog’s camera phone

Meanwhile, since I was restless and felt like starting trouble, I found The Miz and pointed to IndianJones. “That guy over there is your biggest fan. Will you come over and say hi?” I asked. Mike was like “Sure!” and a few minutes later, he came over to the table and introduced himself to us. IndianJones was very embarrassed. Truth be told, Mike was really, really nice, and I instantly felt like a jackass for making fun of his website. Sorry Mike! (I’ll probably still make fun though.)

Elsewhere in the bar, Burton “Sticky Fingers” Roberts decided that this evening’s prey would be Brittany. I’ll let J-Unit explain:

Burton, Burton, Burton. In the interest of full disclosure, I will say that I always thought Burton was a douchebag. However, my friend Meeshie likes him so much, I decided to give him a second chance. And admittedly, even though he was all hands with S-lo a few months back, she did make it back home safely, and hadn’t done anything she would regret. Seriously, I don’t want to pile it on, but while I looked over and saw that Coral was making out with some un-named Asian girl (OK, maybe they just kissed, but it wasn’t an accident), I saw Burton working his moves, this time on Brittany.

Maybe it’s no coincidence Coral is on the LA Pride webpage…
(Thanks to TVgasm reader Tomm for the heads up)

Well, it’s hard for me to make fun of Burton for hitting on Brittany, because she was probably the hottest woman there (who wasn’t already spoken for, that honor goes to Victoria) in her tight red dress and heels.Yes, Brittany is still a party girl (yes, I was still distracted by that huge cleft dimple in her chin) and she was hitting the booze pretty hard. Burton, of course, was there to catch her in case she fell. I probably wouldn’t have thought anything of it, if I hadn’t noticed this behavior before, but I soon realized that Burton seemed to immediately take an interest to Brittany, especially when he saw that she had two drinks in her hand. I don’t know, maybe Burton doesn’t have confidence, or maybe he just has no game, but I was starting to see a pattern. For the rest of the evening, Burton did his best to get, um, “closer” to Brittany.

Eventually, at around 1:15 AM, the lights came up at Geisha House (a bit early, if you ask me), which meant it was time to move this party elsewhere. Nevertheless, with Jonathan, Victoria, and Tarshi as our loyal allies, we learned that everyone would be heading next door to Mood, the hoity nightclub that hosted Paris Hilton’s engagement party. I had never actually been in there due to their strict door policy and $30 cover (I once tried to get in by saying I was there to review the club for LA.com, but I was rebuffed by a perky door girl named “Sunshine.” Sorry, LA.com). Anyway, we headed next door, and after The Miz talked up the bouncers, the entire reality posse shuffled in. That’s when Tarshi looked back at us and nodded his head with a “Come on, guys” look. Wow. We were officially riding on the coattails of reality stars. Don’t know how I feel about that…

IndianJones and I managed to get into Mood just fine, but for some reason J-Unit wasn’t paying attention and missed the boat. Sadly, he was left out on the street for the next forty-five minutes. That’s okay though. He really didn’t miss much. The reality stars simply got drunker and in the case of Nikki McKibbin, sketchier. The mother/singer shimmied up to a railing and proceeded to grind against it for about ten minutes. Ironically, Ryan Seacrest was at the club (J-Unit had a great view from his street-side vantage point), but as far as I could see, he did not have a reunion with the former Idol thrush. All too soon, the club closed. In my drunken haze, I somehow missed a fight break out between The Miz and some guy at the bar, but again, I’m sure J-Unit can clarify.

Somehow, I got stuck outside of Mood. I was thinking of paying off the bouncers, because any of them could have used some extra money to wash the grease out of their hair, buy some lotion to help out that bacne problem, or for that application to DeVry. Hell, even fifty cents worth of Tic Tacs would have helped these guys out. But whatever, it’s not like I will never be back, so why sweat the small stuff? Besides, outside there was plenty to see. As I said before, I studied anthropology, and as the club started emptying, I began to observe just how well Joss Stone and her white jeans campaign have been doing. Verdict: not bad. Plenty of fine young ladies wearing white denim, although clearly not all of them bought from the Gap.

Soon, the big names started coming out. Seacrest left the club and got into the car that was waiting for him. He was accompanied by a friend – not a girl, if you care. After that, it wasn’t much longer before the reality stars started pouring out. There was Burton still working on Brittany. “I think you’re really special,” he said. Luckily, I didn’t have that much bourbon, so that cheese wasn’t enough to make me vomit, but it was close. Mike and his posse soon came out as well. Now, Mike is obviously a very fit guy, but TV seems to add about 4 inches and 50 lbs to his body. He looks like a linebacker on television, but in person, you can clearly see that he would only make it in the arena league. Again, it’s not like he is small, but being 6’4″ myself, I was sort of surprised at his height.

Anyway, it must suck to be The Miz. Sure he has his “Mizfits,” but he must be hated by a lot of people out there. He is easily one of the most recognizable Bunim/Murray characters, and any jab would love to have an “I Beat Up the Miz” picture or two to add to the trophy case. While Mike was walking away, a guy bumped into him. Mike said sorry, the other guy said watch where you’re going, then noticed he was the Miz. Mike got in his face and asked him what his problem was, then the other guy said he wasn’t scared of the Miz (he should have been, Mike clearly had 2 inches about 25 pounds on him) and would kick his ass. It looked like things might escalate, and I briefly pondered how cool it would be to get in a brawl with the Miz. Maybe he’d give me a hat if I helped him out, right? But alas, Coral stepped in front of Mike and got him to walk away, even though the other kid was taunting the Miz, and you could tell he wanted to pound the guy in the face.

And so ended the night of a thousand reality stars. A good time was had by all — plus we got to have lunch with Tarshi the next day. He’s probably reading this right now. Hi Tarshi. Anyway, here’s to reality stars!

IndianJones adds:

Yes, it was quite an honor to be recognized by The Tarshi himself. He was actually a pretty friendly guy, and I felt (somewhat) bad we made fun of his Tarshi Bars. But he probably made a few bucks off of them so whatever.

Other notes from the night:

I am quite embarassed to admit that I am indeed a Miz fan, but come on, that guy is awesome.

Coral’s boobs are *huge*, and quite definitely real. She was wearing a Princess Leia-esque golden bikini top, intentionally left visible under a low cut black dress. She seemed like kind of a bitch, but I didn’t actually talk to her so I have nothing to back that statement up.

I tripped Brittany from ANTM by mistake, and I was hoping that her teetering frame (easily over 6′ in heels) would fall over, but alas, she regained her balance and shot me a nasty look.

Nikki McKibbin was totally skank-erific that night. She was wearing a very short skirt, and let’s just just say it’s a good thing the girl had some underwear on. She was humping EVERYTHING in sight–people, railings, the wall, etc. At one point she looked she might pass out from the alcohol but she seemed to gain a second wind as I soon saw her doing a stripper dance near the Mood bar.

Victoria is really hot–she was the least made up girl in the bar but still managed to look the hottest. Impressive. (great rack, too.)

Oh, and Norman from Real World 1 was there too.