TVgasm’s “Fair” and “Balanced” 2004 Election Coverage

As we all know, honest, unbiased reporting is rare in the American media these days. Fortunately, now we have Fox News to show us the way with its “Fair and Balanced” approach. A godsend! The results are astonishing!

Exhibit A:

  10/30/04
  Fox News poll: Bush up by 2%
  Fox News headline: FOX POLL: BUSH UP BY TWO POINTS OVER KERRY

  11/1/04
  Fox News poll: Kerry up by 2%
  Fox News headline: FOX NATIONAL POLL: VOTERS SPLIT

Commendable! With such lofty standards of fairness and balance in mind, TVgasm presents 2004 election coverage, minute-by-minute from TVgasm Election Headquarters in Manhattan.


8:30pm
Just started watching coverage. So I’m a little late. A couple states at the bottom are red, a couple at the top are blue. Blah blah blah.

8:39pm, CNN
Wolf Blitzer explains the red-vs.-blue coloring of states on the map. OH MY GOD SO THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS.

8:42pm, NBC
Tom Brokaw asks Howard Dean if we should have a “fusion goverment.” Yes, Tom, then we could rename the White House “Chez Nippon” or “Chinois on Main.” Wolfgang Puck could be Secretary of Scallions.

8:45pm, NBC
Tom Brokaw notes that Kerry, Edwards, Bush, and Cheney each have two daughters. Wait, one of them is a lesbian? You mean like a L*E*S*B*I*A*N?!?? I hadn’t heard. My, that’s shocking!

8:48pm, CNN
Speaking of gays, it’s Anderson Cooper! Way to play straight to keep your Nielsens up in the red states!

8:51pm, NBC
Now it’s Brian Williams, the new NBC Nightly News anchor slated to replace Tom Brokaw effective tomorrow. Whoa, he looks just like… Tom Brokaw.

8:54pm, ABC
The venerable Peter Jennings is wearing a red AND blue tie. Make up your damn mind.

8:57pm, CNN
Paula Zahn mediates a panel consisting of Crossfire regulars James Carville, Paul Begala, Bob Novak, and Tucker Carlson—a recipe for calm, non-shrill debate if I ever saw one. Carville looks like a Skeletor bobblehead doll. Paula, inexplicably, is wearing one of those headset-style mics. Maybe she’s auditioning for Rent.

9:00pm, CNN
Wolf Blitzer LOVES the big CNN projection board. Sticking to his trademark subtlety, he predicts that the Colorado electoral-vote-splitting ballot amendment “will go down, will fail, will not be passed.” Thanks for the clarification, Herr Blitzer. Maybe repeat it for us in sign language. Tagalog? Esperanto?

9:01pm, CNN
Wolf prances giddily out in front of the projection board, proclaiming “Let’s tally!” OH YES, LET’S.

9:02pm, CNN
Okay, now Wolf is getting lost in the big projection board. He can’t find states. Is this his first election? Or is he just an idiot.

9:04pm, CNN
Aha, Larry King! I knew he’d rear his heavily-embalmed head at some point.

9:06pm, CNN
Speaking of embalmed, Judy Woodruff appears. Judy, that sweater… severe.

9:09pm, CNN
Now Wolf is interviewing Washington Post heavyweight Bob Woodward. Bob likes to pronounce “measure” like MAYzhure and “mature” like maTOOR. Wolf asks Bob repeatedly, in as many ways as he can think of, who will win the election:
  Wolf: “So, Bob, what’s your feeling at this point?”
  Bob: “I think it’s too close to call.”
  Wolf: “How are the battleground states looking?”
  Bob: “I really think we’ll have to wait and see.”
  Wolf: “Any indications one way or the other?”
  Bob: “Not yet.”
  Wolf: “But do you have a feeling, Bob?”
  Bob: “Die.”

9:10pm, CNN
Larry King, armed with ceaseless stupid questions, continues to lower the lowest common denominator. Cause we really need that in America.

9:14pm, CNN
Oh, now it’s Rudy Giuliani, still displaying buttburn as a result of his recent precipitous slide from America’s Mayor down to Puppet-Henchman-in-Chief. Rudy lauds Bush to no end and feels “tremendous personal devotion to him.” I take that to mean no-strings fellatio on Tuesday evenings, but if anyone has an alternate explanation, by all means.

9:26pm, CNN
Wolf WILL NOT SHUT UP about “raw data.” I guess he just really prefers it raw.

9:27pm, Fox News
Time to hold our noses and switch to Fox News. Greeting us with a twinkle in her “eyes” is Greta Van Susteren. Charming!

9:28pm, Fox News
Oh, big surprise, Rudy shows up on Fox. Harlot.

9:34pm, CNN
Not sure why all the networks are crazy about street-level glassed-in studios in Midtown. In any case, the hordes of fans/maniacs behind the glass at the CNN studio are just begging for mass euthanasia. Maybe Herr Blitzer can take care of it.

9:36pm, CNN
Commentator David Gergen says momentum is shifting toward Bush. Hmph.

9:40pm, ABC
RNC chairman Ed Gillespie, speaking into a HUGE microphone, deigns to interview with the liberal media from his spot at the Bush party in DC. Seriously, that microphone makes him look like Wink Martindale. Peter Jennings, in full passive-aggressive mode, asks Gillespie why more swing states haven’t yet gone to Bush. Dear Peter should switch to a blue tie it seems.

9:43pm, ABC
Swarthy munchkin George Stephanopoulos and Mr. Jennings have their panties in a bunch about an alleged forthcoming video appearance by Bush. What could it be? Did he choke on another pretzel? Was it a FUSION PRETZEL?!?

9:44pm, ABC
Up next, the ever-patrician George F. Will, bowtie in tiptop shape. Apparently Mr. Will doesn’t “vote” like the rest of us but rather “vOHHtes.” For whatever reason, ABC is using a shaky handheld camera to show Mr. Will’s panel. Jesus, this isn’t 28 Days Later. OR WILL IT BE???

9:45pm, ABC
Presidential historian Michael Beschloss appears in a very blue tie. He looks highly botoxed and Donny Osmond-ish. Next up, Captain and Tennille.

9:48pm, NBC
Ooh, I love Tim Russert because he HATES Jim DeMint, the new Senate winner (Republican, of course) from South Carolina. With good reason: DeMint is on the record stating that neither gays nor single mothers should be allowed to teach in public schools, and that abortion should be banned even in instances of grave danger to the life of the mother. Way to build a bridge to FASCISM.

9:50pm, NBC
Finally, the much-touted Bush video appearance. It turns out to be Bush talking about his goddamn dog. Says he’s “very upbeat… it’s gonna be an exciting evening.” Well, with a vice-presidential mansion full of hot, hot lesbians, how could it not be?

9:52pm, CNN
Paula Zahn is back, fetching and snappy in her smart yellow suit, headset prominent. And an ACCOMPLISHED CELLIST, I might add.

9:53pm, CNN
Bob Novak predicts a 269–269 tie in the Electoral College. GREAT. Time for another drink. Thank god for spell-check.

9:54pm, CNN
P.Za won’t shut up about 269–269. Oh REALLY, Paula, 69? Let’s get out your “CELLO.” I hear you’re QUITE ACCOMPLISHED.

9:59pm, CNN
Wolf not only turns YET AGAIN to the projection board but, this time, announces beforehand, “AND I’LL TURN TO OUR PROJECTION BOARD.” Anticlimactically, he bellows that it “DOESN’T LOOK LIKE WE CAN MAKE ANY OTHER PROJECTIONS RIGHT NOW.” Way to go.

10:01pm, CNN
Wolf once again explains red vs. blue states. For god’s sake, we get it.

10:03pm, CNN
Wolf and Jeff Greenfield spend five minutes showing us numbers, then both say that the numbers are totally misleading because only about 1% of precincts have reported. Brilliant.

10:04pm, CNN
Kerry campaign adviser Joe Lockhart tells us that JFK2 is eating dinner with Terezzzzza. Eating camarão, francesinhas, and pimentão vermelho cortado em cubinhos, no doubt.

10:08pm, CNN
I just realized. Where the hell is Aaron Brown?

10:15pm, CNN
Jeff Greenfield bestows a new moniker on the CNN projection board. It’s now the Wall of Numbers. BOW DOWN.

10:17pm, CNN
Barack Obama is about to start his victory speech for the Senate race from Illinois. Crazy right-wing carpetbagging opponent Alan Keyes has already started burning crosses in protest. Oh wait, he’s black too. How does that work?

10:18pm, CNN
Okay, Mrs. Obama just introduced her husband not as “my husband” but as “my baby’s daddy.”

10:20pm, ABC
John McCain predicts that Bush would govern far more toward the center in a second term. Right, and sunbeams are shining out my ass.

10:23pm, NBC
Local news break on WNBC. Who is that awful voice shrieking in the background at the Chuck Schumer victory party? Oh, it’s just Hillary Rodham Clinton and her “folksy” mode of speech-delivery. Future president? No way. She’ll be lucky if she gets Health & Human Services. Even HUD is a stretch.

10:24pm, PBS
Making a brief pit stop at PBS in an attempt to boost TVgasm journalistic credibility. Despite one panelist who looks hilariously like a cracked-out Bill Cosby, PBS really is as boring as they say. Back to the networks!

10:33pm, CNN
Aaron Brown. Finally.

10:42pm, CNN
It’s CNN’s resident morning-show prettyboy, Bill Hemmer. Hmmm… gay? Getting freaky on the downlow with Dr. Sanjay Gupta perhaps? Only Paula Zahn’s hairdresser knows for sure.

10:46pm, CNN
Trading proudly in stereotypes, commentator Bill Schneider claims that “when you think of South Florida, you think of SENIORS and LATINOS!” Hey Bill, don’t forget the JEWS and FAIRIES!!

10:48pm, ABC
A half hour later, Obama is still speaking. Alright, I really like you, but shut the hell up.

10:56pm, Comedy Central
Holy god, we totally forgot about The Daily Show. Way behind on the electoral vote count, but way more fun.

11:15pm, PBS
Cracked-out Bill Cosby is back! And certainly NOT able to focus his eyes. Who the hell is this guy? The other panelists are RIVETED.

11:18pm, Comedy Central
Time for another Daily Show break because these states are taking way too long to turn red or blue. Jesus, this is like waiting for Clear Blue Easy.

11:29pm, CNN
Appropriately, they pick Anderson Cooper to talk about how 11 states just smacked down gay marriage. In all seriousness, Mr. Cooper’s brow is tellingly furrowed. Don’t out yourself, Anderson, or Fox News will pull ahead in Idaho!

11:35pm, NBC
Chief GOP fur-trader Karen Hughes appears for a quick interview, perhaps only to remind us that Mary Cheney isn’t the only raging bulldyke working for Bush-Cheney ’04.

11:44pm, CNN
Candy Crowley has finally finished at the election-night buffet and is ready to make her report. Actually, wait a second, she’s still chewing.

11:50pm, CBS
For some comic relief, we turn to CBS. Dan Rather and his panel get right down to business, shit all over my optimism, and call Florida for Bush.

12:50am
After an hour-long hiatus, spent finishing wine dregs and waiting for the uptown E train, yours truly returns home to find that… nothing has changed. This is like 2000, only worse now that I’m EST rather than PST.

1:00am, NBC
Dearly nearly-departed Mr. Brokaw calls Ohio as a Bush victory. Dick.

1:33am, NBC
Now Mr. Brokaw says the Kerry campaign is disputing the Ohio numbers.

2:19am
Okay PST folks, we ESTers are heading to bed. Fifty bucks says I wake up to find that… nothing has changed. As Jon Stewart says, democracy inaction.

2:20am–8:29am
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

8:30am
I wake up to find that… nothing has changed. Maybe Kerry should just concede. Can we put him on the $20 bill as a consolation prize? Oh wait, he’s already on there.

9:15am
As I walk to work, a woman (Haitian?) runs up to me in frenzied worry on the street, holding a copy of the New York Post over her head and shouting, “De rednecks down south, dey vote for de Bush!!” No joke.

11:35am
Kerry concedes—gracefully, thank god. Anyone have an apartment rental abroad? Four-year lease? Perfect.