We here at TVgasm hope everybody had a safe and happy New Year, whether that involved, Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark, hours in front of the television, topless celebrations, unexpected f-bombs on basic cable, or college football. As we try to rub the memories of stale champagne and unnecessary sub-zero streaking runs from our brains, we focus on the year ahead. That means everybody will have some resolutions (share your own in the forums), and almost everybody will have predictions. TVgasm would like to throw our hat in the prediction ring, so continue on to read our predictions for 2007.To protect the names of the innocent and the drunk and/or stoned, we have removed the names of the TVgasm writers who have contributed, but if you think you know who made the prediction, feel free to leave a comment down below. So, without any further delay, here they are:
Rosie Odonnell eats Donald Trump
Lost will come back. People will still be trapped on an island. I will blame ABC forever for bringing us the “Fall Finale” (which properly should be called the Winter Finale, but let’s not quibble over semantics). NBC will announce its latest gimmick – the “End of January Finale”. Not to be outdone, Fox will institute the weekly “It’s Thursday Night Finale”. To top them all, CBS will announce that “The King of Queens” will have no finale and will air forever and ever and ever.
Danny Bonaduce will continue to suck and mug for airtime.
At least one of the following not-yet-pregnant celebrities will announce they are going to have a baby: Jessica Simpson, Tyra Banks (J-Unit is working on this one), Ellen Pompeio, Julie Chen, Eva Longoria, Kendra Jade (Britney/K-Fed home-wrecker).
Having realized that killing off every single beloved character was maybe not such a great idea in the long run, the producers of 24 will decide to take a slightly different route with season 6. Jack Bauer will be rescued from China in order to defeat an Undead Terrorist Army, and heartbreakingly must force himself to re-kill such illustrious notables as Zombie Tony, Zombie Michelle, Zombie President Palmer, the Dread Zombie Nina, and of course the bumbling but lovable Thhhombie Edgar.
Tyra Banks will gain 50 pounds just to prove a point.
The Congressional Medal of Honor will be awarded to Phil Keoghan’s eyebrows.
A plucky band of mountain climbers will successfully scale the rugged cliffs of Admiral Adama’s ravaged face. Sadly, three will die in the attempt. The survivor total drops yet again. Can NOTHING go RIGHT for these people?!
On Days of our Lives, following suit of Smokey Robinson and Clay Aiken, another Idol runner-up, Justin Guarini, will try to jump-start his career by performing his new single in Salem at Brady’s Pub. Stefano DiMera, alive again and spying on the Bradys, is so moved by his songs that he changes his ways, volunteers at Salem Hospital and coexists peacefully with the Bradys… for at least a month.
After We Are Marshall sweeps the major categories at the Oscars, Matthew McConaughey successfully lobbies the new Democratic congress to legalize marijuana. President Bush signs the bill into law saying, “Listening to Nancy Pelosi has made me lose my appetite.” even though we all know the real reason is that he wants to see some more excitement on the fourth season of Laguna Beach.
Janice Dickinson will finally take the hag out of fag hag and confirm once and for all she is a man, losing everything and becoming a crack whore (again)
Big Brother will remain amazing.
I will watch the new season of The Apprentice and develop an even more intense dislike for Ivanka Trump. I will, however, still be fascinated by her fantastic rack.
LOST continues its downward spiral into Desperate Housewives Season 2ville.
Rosie will finally come through and eat her cohosts on The View in order to resurrect the Rosie show. Koosh ball anyone?
Someone will come to their senses somewhere and cancel ‘Til Death & Big Day, even though the producers will try everything from Kevin Federline cameos to Smell-o-vision.
MTV announces that it anticipates very strong ratings for Real World Borneo: Back to the Stone Age.
On season 4 of Project Runway, because of failed contract negotiations, Tim Gunn’s position will be taken over by first season winner, Jay McCarroll, thus losing scores of viewers missing the Gunn. Heidi Klum will be four months pregnant by the finale and will also have the #1 CD in Germany.
Shiny floor game shows replaced with 60 minutes of jingling keys as the nation slowly becomes cats.
Most of you will still not be watching Veronica Mars. It will get cancelled. It will be your fault.
Friday Night Lights will take over even more of my life and with the new buzz gain another 10 million viewers, be renewed from 10 more seasons, win Kyle Chandler an Emmy and the Jason Street/Matt Saracen ticket will win the White House.
B-side finishes second in the first ever, “Wii Wimbledon”, losing in a five set heartbreaker toShohreh Aghdashloo. After her win, the Bud Collins wonders why the crowd is booing her, but we all know they are just saying “Beh-ROOOOOOOZ”.
Youtube jumps the shark.
My application for The Amazing Race 12 will wow the producers and I will go on with my cat as the first cat-human team to compete. We will dominate the fish eyeball eating competition, but will be eliminated in the first episode when it becomes clear that Kitty can’t read a map.
The O.C. will surge in the ratings because everyone will finally come to their sense and realize that Marissa is gone. Really gone. Viva la Taylor Townsend!
Based on the success of its Sci Fi run, FOX brings JOHN DOE back on the air only cancel it one again before answering any new questions.
TVgasm’s Katie will parlay her star turn on “Identity” to a star turn on 1 vs. 100. Her block of baton twirlers will make it all the way to the end.
Reality television will be reborn anew with the premiere of The Next Great Crabtree & Evelyn Star.