Miss America: Reality Check: Suck-Ups vs the Underdogs.

We’re back again with another installment of Miss America: Reality Check. I’ve decided that TLC makes the most boring reality shows ever. Take some pointers from VH1 then call me. What dull things do the ladies do this week? Find out after the jump!

We start off with seeing the tops and bottoms ceremony from last week. That’s just a joke that will never die. Miss Alaska doesn’t understand why she was put in the bottom three. Miss Alaska also doesn’t understand the term overbearing and annoying. She asks for feedback so she can improve.

Hey Alaska, you have something brown on your nose.

Miss Florida is joining her fellow green teammates and decides it’s time to reveal her deep dark secret. I’m literally sitting on the edge of my seat hoping that whatever it is involves her having a sex change operation. Unfortunately, no dice. She was involved in an explosion when she was 15 and it burned the top three layers of her skin off, which explains why she is self-conscious without makeup. I can’t make fun of that. Sympathy vote maybe? Okay, I’m done.

Miss Hawaii cries when she hears Florida’s news, and tells her how amazing she is on the inside as well as the outside. Hawaii also confesses her love for Florida and says she can’t wait to see her without any makeup on. I think someone should hide Florida’s makeup. Could you imagine the meltdown that would ensue? Oh my god, I would pay someone to sneak backstage at the pageant and do it.

Obviously, the girl on the laptop isn’t very concerned.

The next morning the girls are primping for their next challenge. They really have come a long way haven’t they? I’m sure this challenge will be just as exciting as last time. Hopefully it involves alcohol. Because let’s be honest here people, you know that’s the only way you’re watching this show. Every time Miss Military claims she doesn’t know what she’s doing, take a shot. You’ll be wasted in 10 minutes flat.

This time there are giant teeter-totters and buckets of colored water corresponding to each team. The object is to, one at a time, run across the seesaw while carrying a martini glass of water (what a tease) and dumping it in the bucket on the other side. If this were The Inferno they would also have to eat worms and try to knock their opponents down in a giant mud pit. Is that too much to ask from a reality show?

First team to fill their bucket to the line wins an advantage at the next event. So far the advantages have been less than thrilling. The first dibs on the showers prize was never mentioned again. I personally can not believe that only seven showers for all these girls and all their primping is not causing drama. On America’s Next Top Model there was drama with the giant shower and seven girls.

Oh, and you can’t forget the advantage of winning the makeovers by the head professionals and not just the lowly employees. It’s not like the girls that didn’t win really got the shaft or something and were not allowed to get makeovers. That woulda been sweet. But for some reason the queens still want to win this challenge, and they cheer and scream things that only dogs can here.

Apparently the point is to teach our girls to keep their poise under pressure, something they will surely need in the pageant itself. I mean, I’m so sure they will have to run up and down a giant seesaw at the pageant. Just like old times. As the camera is panning the crowd I see Miss Charity Case 2008 is on team underdogs. Coincidence?

“Wait, I have to walk and carry a drink, but I’m not allowed to drink it? Ok. Got it.”

The competition is okay. We have some wipeouts that rate at a two on the excitement factor. It comes down to light blue and pink. The pink team is smart and decides not to unclip the helmet; just slide it off each time. And yes, they need a helmet for this challenge, but no worries, in the pageant they are all on their own. Fingers crossed no one wipes out and crushes their skull.

With this smart advantage Miss Vermont wins it for pink! Finally she does something right. Oh, and she’s also on team underdogs. Team Underdogs is just another word for the most homely looking girls in the bunch.

Michael tells us that the master of movement is there to teach them how to walk on the runway because there will be no more old school pageant walking. Please, please, please let it be Miss Jay. This show needs a real queen. Sadly, it’s Fred Tallaksen. Who? I’m disappointed. Miss Jay would do so much better and make the girls cry and hate themselves and have some pretty good impressions of their walks. I bet Tyra has him locked in cage somewhere in LA so he can’t work with anyone else. I mean do you see him anywhere else besides ANTM? Think about it.

Full of fierceness and isn’t afraid to use it.

Rip-Off-Miss-Jay has two random mute walkers to help him demonstrate how to walk. Some of the queens are working it down the runway and some are not. Florida feels super confident now because of how accepting everyone was of her confession. That’s great and all, but really, who isn’t going to be understanding of her situation, or at least fake it. Regardless, Florida has a spring in her step for real-zees.

Alaska is acting silly because she’s insecure and doesn’t know what to do, but Rip-Off gives her some tips and she decides its time to be cocky again. I think Alaska’s walk is pretty good. Even though she’s claiming not to have any idea what she’s doing. She’s full of it.

Our weekly dose of Miss Military has her claiming she has no idea what she’s doing a.k.a “complement me and tell me awesome I am!” God, I can’t stand this one. At least that means its time for a shot! When the girls reach the end of the runway Rip-Off tells them to yell “I’m the bomb!” 1994 called and they want their catch phrase back.

LOL Editors! Are you anti Miss Military as much as I am?

After the runway the girls have to change into their evening wear. More primping to watch! Gag me. When they meet back outside Michael tells them that celebrity designer Randolph Duke is there to help them update their gowns. Since Team Underdogs won the challenge they get one on one time with him. And boy do they need it.

We then see Miss Vermont and I have to ask myself, does this girl even try to look presentable? Maybe Randolph will suggest to Miss Charity Case 2008 to put a bag over her head. Because we all know that’s the only way she’s gonna win.

Seriously Vermont, would it kill you to at least brush your hair and see the sun once in a while?

The other teams get Mark Liddell’s stylists, Nina Lenders and Lauren Kolodny. Yup, losing the challenge really made the girls miss out because Randy looks almost nice. These girls look like they are full of bitchiness and hatred. Make them cry! Make them want to rip their gown apart! Anything to spice this show up.

Randy has helpful tips for the few girls that he meets with, but the bitchy stylists are out for brutal honesty with the rest of the queens. They tell Iowa she looks like an ice skater, and she sorta does. They do, however, love Miss Florida’s gown but she still asks for criticism and the judging panel is impressed. Then we see Miss Indiana. Apparently, she is in school for fashion and designed her own dress and loves it. Well the stylists hate it and says she looks like she’s wearing a nightie. LOL, bitches. They make her cry! Yayy!

Make it work. Or not.

After the critique is finished Michael tells them their next challenge for the day is to alter a floor length black turtleneck dress into something sassy using puff paint and a bedazzler. They also have other fabric and crafty items to use. This is so realistic. I’m sure this how Dolce and Gabbana design their dresses. I bet they sit in their office in NYC and talk about bedazzling a pink rhinestone over a red one. Then they send it down the runways in Milan.

Michael then adds that the girls must work it down the runway in front of the judges with their creations. Ohhh shit. The girls look scared and I’m scared for them. I hope Randy rips them apart. Let the games begin!

Miss Florida decides to use saran wrap to put around her waist to add some color. Does she have a death sentence? Miss Iowa is using a purple tablecloth as her dress and makes long black gloves out of the fabric. Not following the rules in reality TV competitions always means you are doomed. And this girl loves purple. The fabric is purple and her crazy eyeshadow is purple. Didn’t she get the ‘less is more’ memo?

One-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater.

Miss Tennessee is adding what looks like leaves and branches to her dress. It’s not cute. This girl has no fashion sense. Where are Stacy and Clinton when we need them? Oh yea, only in the first episode to try and create ratings. Tennessee is twirling as she asks if her dress was Project Runway worthy. Props for watching the best show ever but points deducted for making quite possibly the fugliest looking thing you could come up with.

You have just been Aufed.

Side note – is everyone else sick of seeing Paige Davis’ ugly mug on every commercial break? We get it, TLC. Your savior Paige is back to host another crappy reality show. Moving on.

Runway time! They love Miss Florida and her red saran wrap. They call Miss Kentucky a piñata because she has random colored pieces hanging from her ass. Do ANY of these girls know what they’re doing? Shouldn’t Miss America be the whole package? Why do I care? So many questions.

The judges love Miss Indiana’s dress. She’s totally redeemed herself. It’s much better than the blue nightie monstrosity we saw earlier. Advisor Jeannie said she would for sure buy it if she saw it in the store. Next up is Miss Alaska in the shortest dress in the world. You could practically see her lady parts. Advisor Jeannie calls Alaska “the bomb dot com.” What is up with these judges and their super outdated and retarded catch phrases?

Alaska shows us what she’s workin’ with.

Time to talk about the queens! They comment that Miss Iowa was so horrible that they can’t even comment on it. The only thing they like about Miss Rhode Island is her cool haircut and crooked smile.

Tops and bottoms ceremony! They call down Florida, Iowa, Tennessee, Virginia, Alaska and Rhode Island.

Florida – Top – They ask her why she was so hesitant to get in the pool LAST WEEK. She tells her story again. Boring.
Iowa – Bottom – Hated her dress, ugly gloves, great personality.
Tennessee – Bottom – Very entertaining, didn’t take advice to heart.
Virginia – Top – Cool and hip. Didn’t notice her until now. Looks a lot like Illinois. I don’t understand why that put her in the top, but whatevs.
Alaska – Top – Took advice, saw her improve. Lose the fugly leggings.
Rhode Island – Bottom – Blends in too much, needs to stand out.

It could be -89 degrees and I still wouldn’t wear those things.

The advisors talked a lot about their dresses and having good fashion sense but Dina the judge is wearing a short sleeve fur white fur jacket, brown gloves and a potato sack. Should she listen to her own advice?

Page 5 of Indiana’s portfolio.

Next week it’s time to test everything they’ve learned. I see a red carpet and Michael in a tux. We also find out the final top three queens who have improved the most. Then the following night is the live pageant in Vegas!

What did you think, Gasmii? Are you as bored and I am? Do you think any of the girls that have been featured, good or bad, in this show will have an advantage in the real competition? Don’t forget to vote online for your favorite queen and tune into the pageant on TLC, Saturday at 8pm!

Does anyone want to fund a trip out to Vegas so NebbGirl can watch the pageant liiiiive and maybe cause some makeup mayhem? Comment away!